... asking ...

I am suppose to "come in faith . . .  believing."
I need something Father, eyes of favoritism upon my naivety.  MD jumped upon my house like a hound and had a buyer within less than a week and I took his bullying, like I usually do, without realizing I was being a doormat, and have found myself in a difficult pickle.
To whom is MY house belonging.  Tim has helped me by r eading the contract but if he would have taken his time the first time in helping me, would I be here?  I must ask him instead of "letting it go."
But now for why I am here, I must write 2 letters and....you want to know what I reference?
To Ambassador Title (SL), to Shorewest (MD).  *waiting ..... go on.
I am requesting a termination of my signature on the residential offer and on the residential listing (WB-11) and because I signed it, I no longer am free to make this termination? 
What I ask for, I said need before, because it is a need I ask for; to be free of these papers and be able to approach someone else or ask mom to finally make her decision as to her offer.
Her offer?  Yes it was my request if all failed cause I need to be free of obligations, IE the loan and stop foreclosure.
*sigh in frustration.
I thought You knew these things and I would not need to be spelling it all out.  I need you to tell me, like I do not know, it helps you.  *crying
I must write the letters and deliver them.
Please Father, just as you found a sitter for mom on Monday night, You PROVIDED for me, please provide a termination of this offer and listing, of my house, without legal action.
*waiting
I will do  as I can. 
Thank you.

...new things....

I unwrapped the factory sealed CD and put it into the Bose player and suddenly pipe organ music speed through my head, heart and memories..........  the Moody Church pipe organ.  As majestic as I remember it and as positively ominous as Torrey Grays's pipe organ.  Both increadibly awesome!!
I cried as memories swept over me.

Listening to KLOVE I heard something along the lines of: it's not how God fits into our life but how we fit into God's life....  God wants us/me to fit as intimately as I feel with Danni and Jordan, yet for all this time, I still was trying to fit God into my life.

Then the tune was running through my head as I was creating pizza sauce:  He sought me and bought with His redeeming love ........ all my love is due Him.....  "Victory in Jesus"
In response to the sacrifice Christ made on the cross, I should have only a desire for total intimacy with Him....from the start.   But was I ever taught this was important?  I was taught it is important to know my doctrines, how to help someone recieve Jesus, how to serve Him; but be intimate with Him?  No, never.

Redeem
1. To recover ownership of by paying a specified sum = Jesus, the Shepherd's life!
2. To pay off the debt of my sin
3. To turn in and receive something in exchange.  His life for my sin
4. To fulfill the OT spoke always of the Messiah, who would redeem His people
5. To set free; rescue or ransom.  yes it was a ransom... not until the Shepherd's life life was shed could anyone, me, have sins forgiven which means a relationship with Jesus.
"Christianity is fundamentally a love relationship with God, available through faith in Christ and nurtured through the faithful embrace of a variety of spiritual disciplines.  The Holy Spirit will empower your participation in such activities as prayer, Scripture reading, solitude, silence and service."
7. To save from a state of sinfulness and its consequences. DEATH ETERNALLY
8. To restore the honor, worth, or reputation of:  restoring me to the state God sees me in FORGIVEN and HIS CHILD, sinless.

WOW ! Redemption is a powerful thing !! I am then reminded of And Can It Be that I should gain .... 
An interest in the Saviour's blood?
Died He for me, who caused His pain
For me, who Him to death pursued?
Amazing love! how can it be,
That Thou, my God, shoulds't die for me?

'Tis mystery all! The Immortal dies:
Who can explore His strange design?
In vain the first-born seraph tries
To sound the depths of love divine.
'Tis mercy all! let earth adore,
Let angel minds inquire no more.

He left His Father's throne above,
So free, so infinite His grace,
Emptied Himself of all but love,
And bled for Adam's helpless race:
'Tis mercy all, immense and free;
For, O my God, it found out me!

Long my imprisoned spirit lay
Fast bound in sin and nature's night;
Thine eye diffused a quickening ray,
I woke, the dungeon flamed with light;
My chains fell off, my heart was free,
I rose, went forth and followed Thee.

Still the small inward voice I hear,

That whispers all my sins forgiven;
Still the atoning blood is near,
That quenched the wrath of hostile Heaven.
I feel the life His wounds impart;
I feel the Savior in my heart.  (I've not heard this verse before)

No condemnation now I dread;
Jesus, and all in Him, is mine!
Alive in Him, my living Head,
And clothed in righteousness divine,
Bold I approach the eternal throne,
And claim the crown, through Christ my own.
~~CharlesWes­ley
I am not so sure that the word's would move me if not the tune was as powerful as it is.


I do not boldly approach God as I would Tim or had my own Dad, to claim whom I am, though Christ is mine, for my sins have been forgotten.  This denial I make is a huge disappointment to my Lord, my Shepherd.  
It is time to be drawn and continue to recognize His voice.

. . . sheep . . .

Sheep are like children, they need to be taken care of.
His child= His sheep (is there a singular expression of this word?)=
I don't, really I do not, need to know all the answers, have to do it myself, have to worry about grown-up things.

An "old" song came to mind yesterday and I had to fnd it!  There it was, on puter for me!
Here it is:
His Sheep Am I

In God's green pastures feeding by His cool waters lie;
soft, in the evening walk my Lord and I,
All the sheep of his pastures fare so wonderously fine,
His sheep am I.

Chorus:
Waters cool (in the valley), pastures green (on the mountain)
In the eve- (in the eve-) ning walk my Lord and I (ning walk my Lord and I);

Dark the night (in the valley), wrong the way (on the mountain)
step by step (step by step--)  my Lord and I (my Lord and I).
author unknown

Next to me on the table sat a single solitary sheep, picking it up I wanted to silently steal it.
I held it the rest of the session and felt like the sheep.  Solitary, curdled up and sleeping peacefully.

But there is no peace as I do not have all the peices yet.

. . . beginnings . . . . . .

Ah, where to begin !
Each journey has a beginning... so back I step.

Upon Sheri's table lay a brochure....
I glanced . . .  then I fingered it glancing at the title . . . I actually read it . . .  Inner Healing Care Group ~~ intensive life-changing group . . . and I was drawn as a moth to a flame.
Eventually I found myself asking Sheri abot it . . . then I shyly asked if I could join.  Taking the step to ask was like my soul reraching out for God's approval as if I could find some healing to the wounded "person" hiding in the damp humid resesses of the darkness of my being.

But the topics scared me and I wondered if I really wanted to take a journey  . . .  would it mean giving Tim up -- seeming to be the only positive stable safe person in my life in a very long time?
I don't know, I cannot imagine him gone even if God and I really could dwell together intimately.

The question is, would I even allow inner healing.  Sheri told me the first week that just as I WANTED to be a part of this experience, was indication to her that . . .  it was my heart's desire. 
God was drawing me.   How scary.  Was he going to take Tim away?

I had "homework" prior to attending the first session.  I forget it.  No I did not neglect, but truly forgot.    Yesterday I poured over the "homework" in crash course fashion  . . .   this NEEDED
to be a slow feed, NOT a glutanous meal.