I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling
But on the inside, I can hear her saying...

Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”

I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes
They're just children from the outside
I'm working hard, I tell myself they'll be fine
They're in independent
But on the inside, I can hear them saying...

Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, but what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone

So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I'm called to be
Father, show me the way
To lead them
Won't You lead me?

To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can't
Don't want to leave them hungry for love,
Chasing things that I could give up

I'll show them I'm willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this our home
Lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

Father, lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone


"My wife sat me down and she looked me in the eye with tears, and said 'I need you to be a better leader,'" explains Matt (Hammitt). "Sometimes we can have the intention of being great men of God; great husbands, great fathers, but it doesn't mean anything until you put it into action."

When I heard this I knew what I was missing growing up. The parents were so "busy" in ministry that they forgot to lead and be leaders of their children. We were so alone we had to fill our lives with what we thought filled that hole. Each of us were different in what filled the hole, the aloneness. I understand my home of origin much better.

I wrote on facebook: ‎"There are none so impoverished as those who do not acknowledge the abundance of their lives."

Ellen responded: Oh... how so! If we had eyes to see the evidences of God's grace, majesty, beauty and power all in and around us... could we stand?!

I responded: There are times when I am so overwhelmed with the intense responsibility of caring for mom and no income that I cannot see the abundance of God's love and my Shepherd's ever present care and attention. Somewhere along the time when I need a pop up against my head, I am reminded of his care and mercy of this sheep that tends to wonder into other pastures. So yes, I am guilty.

I wrote to Mary and Angel ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dearest Mary,
The following is a letter I wrote in regrds to mom....please read it.
Mom had a fantastic time but was for some reason very disappointed that she could not spend time with you. I do not know why she thought the 3 of us were spending time.
She is involved in some way with everyone ~~ *laughing, like there are alot ! :), ~~ close to me right now, except Tim.
Long distance there is you, Pia and Dorothy, plus my new old frends from facebook (she asks me about but I do not share much). Are you there?

I want to plant some perinnials in honor of you and your hubby at Dirkse Park. How do I go about doing so and who else might be willing to help me in this project?

I love you and miss you....I hold dear to my heart the time we spent together.




Angel,
Mom's body had been running down, as you witnessed, for quite some time. She was hosptialized for observation in March but at that point she was not showing signs of dementia nor hallucinating. In May she fell and had a compression fracture. For a month or so she was "ok" but slowly weakend. When she got to rehab they told me her tolerance level was nil and her core trunk was so weak she fell back. Slowly she is getting stronger.

She managed the cruise with the 2 of us doing her cares, but as she got off the train and got into Nathan James car, her legs collapsed and she could no l onger stand. I truly believe her brain let her finally collapse when the cruise was done. Exhausted.

It took 2 days before someone returned a call and said this is serious, it cannot wait for an appt next week and told me to take her to ER. Of course, my confidence in Willard is pretty much nil. Managing her BS was a roller coaster so I took her to Aurora for an endocrinologist. One less thing for Willard's office to deal with, but another specialist for me to be responsible too. Needless to say, I do NOT trust Suzana, Willard's NP.

I have requested she stay at Lakeshore till the 21st. We will have a copay for 4 days.

I must say she was very disappointed you did not come back and visit her. She voiced that, like Becky, she is not sure she will trust your word on when you return to see her.
She knows that when I say I will be back, she will see me when she sees me.

Being alone these days has me beginning to grieve when she goes and I have told her I will miss her so much. I cannot believe that just 10 yrs ago I disrespected her, felt loathe toward her and really did care much for her. Forgiveness has made the difference.

Maybe this is TMI but you were like a daughter to her when I was not.
ElLois

"There are none so impoverished as those who do not acknowledge the abundance of their lives."

I am impoverished.

The pain of loneliness without mom is beginning to become real.
I have so much from my Shepherd yet I long for what I do not have or will not have.