Switchfoot - Always

From the album Hello Hurricane

This is the start
This is your heart
This is the day you were born
This is the sun
These are your lungs
this is the day you were born

And I am always yours
These are the scars
Deep in your heart
This is the place you were born
This is the hole
where most of your soul
Comes ripping out
From the places you've been torn

And it is always yours
But I am always yours

Hallelujah!  I'm caving in
Hallelujah!  I'm in love again
Hallelujah!  I'm a wretched man
Hallelujah!  Every breath is a second chance

And it is always yours
And I am always yours

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LugoQ_1QEHE&feature=related

~~ Your hands

I have unanswered prayers

I have trouble I wish wasn’t there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That you would take my pain away
You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crooked lie Oh Lord, before these feet
of mine Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands

When you walked upon the earth
You healed the broken, lost and hurt
I know you hate to see me cry
One day you will set all things right
Yeah, one day you will set all things right

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands

Your hands that shaped the world
Are holding me
They hold me still


. . .  JJ Heller

the Shepherd never fails....

Shepherd, I have only words of anger and heartbreak andI can shout them on paper orwith trouble tell mom, but no one understands like you.  I am told you understand each and every feeling and you know how to feel and truly know.

Like a cup of hot coffee balanced on an open door, one movement closed or open will knock it off.
It will burn, break the cup, either way make a mess.  Gather the mess my Shepherd as I slam the door closed, I no longer want to even think of the rejection of Steve and Heidi, not just yesterday and today but one that has been enlarging over the last several years, that I discused with mum earlier.
You know.  How can this ocean of feeling be reduced to 2 words..YOU KNOW.

"Oh God, I know, it’s so much more than I can dream It’s far beyond anything I can conceive So God, You know, I’m trusting You . . . . . . .
in my mind’s eye I can see a place

Where Your glory fills every empty space . . . . . . . Every lonely heart finds their one true love, And there’s no more goodbye, And no more not enough, And there’s no more enemy...no more... . . . . "

Wardle wrote it: "God's compassion for the emotionally broken . . . ".
Jesus, the man, my Shepherd who hold's me tight in his arms, "bears my sin and carries my griefs and sorrows."
". . .  in the hands of God, the object of one's great pain can become the source of one's greatest blessing."

It seems so preposterously impossible that anyone could take rejection and turn it into any type of blessing.  But Shepherd, here, I give to you the sorrow, the pain of rejection, the hantred and anger I feel toward steve and heidi. . . they are the docal point right now.  I just need to give the burden away and you are the only one who can make anything of this deep pain and sorrow.



Love is not proud

Love does not boast
Love after all
Matters the most

Love does not run
Love does not hide
Love does not keep
Locked inside

Love is the river that flows through
Love never fails you

Love will sustain
Love will provide
Love will not cease
At the end of time

Love will protect
Love always hopes
Love still believes
When you don't
Love is the arms that are holding you
Love never fails you

When my heart won't make a sound
When I can't turn back around
When the sky is falling down
Nothing is greater than this
Greater than this

Love is right here
Love is alive
Love is the way
The truth the life

Love is the river that flows through
Love is the arms that are holding you
Love is the place you will fly to
Love never fails you

. . . .Brandon Heath

Proverbs 4:23

I saw Sheri after several weeks of upheaval and the verse on her wall was indeed the exact same instructions she gave to me ::
Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.


Jan 2 I wrote a letter to my siblings, one not to be sent unless Sheri advised.  I have been
instructed to share NOTHING with my siblings ~~ no feelings, no thoughts, nothing.For I am now understanding letters like the one I wrote do not make sense to them, they do not want to know my feelings and when I share them it only gives them more ammunition (my word).

How much better to guard my heart instead of pouring it out in from of swine's feet.


When tempests arise, woe to the mariners that have not strengthened their mast, nor cast their anchor, nor sought the haven. If we suffer the good to grow weaker, the evil will surely gather strength and struggle desperately for the mastery over us; and as a result a painful desolation and a lamentable disgrace may follow. Let us draw near to the footstool of divine mercy in humble entreaty, and we shall realize the fulfillment of the promise, "They who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength."
http://www.truthforlife.org/resources/daily-devotionals/1/2/

I am so grateful for Sheri.  She has given me insights into who I am, who God is, how I relate to others and they to me............  my family .......
sees me only in crisis from crisis.  That is such a wretched thought.
My instruction are....it is the practicing that will be harder:
remove my self physically when getting near an angry place..... before it gets to rage and I am out of control.
I am seen as always being in that anxious or angry place that eventually turns to rage.
Do NOT share anything personal with family, esp siblings, for the next 2 months.

emails from Mary

Dec 31, 09       Good Morning El Lois,

I am so blessed this morning to hear Breathe On Me Breath of God, as that is such a wonderful thought, to be blessed and in the keeping of His Breath with each breath that we take.
You do have my prayers, and they continue.
I have you tucked in my Bible and just feel so blessed that I can pray for you as He prompts.
We go Moment by Moment - Kept in His Love. Sing that too.
How much we are loved.
Thanks for sharing those beautiful flower photos.
Hugs and prayers as we have a New Beginning tomorrow.
Mary

Jan 1, 2010   Dear El Lois,

I just came from The Prayer Chair, (yes, you were covered) and found your wonderful card of Hope and Blessing for The New Year!
I return the same to you, and on this cloudy day with drizzle at times, I send love and prayers to you.
Hugs as well.
Mary



Dec 1, 09 Mary's little note read:
Hi ElLois,
Just a touch of His love & mine !
John 1: 29
Behold or "look"
The Lamb of God
who takes away
the sins of the world
"mine & yours."
          AMEN

She sent me the most precious stuffed lamb.
I will treasure, as I do her prayers on my behalf and her friendship.

Psalm 30

A Psalm; a Song at the Dedication of the Temple. [A Psalm] of David.

I WILL extol You, O Lord, for You have lifted me up and have not let my foes rejoice over me.

O Lord my God, I cried to You and You have healed me.

O Lord, You have brought my life up from Sheol (the place of the dead); You have kept me alive, that I should not go down to the pit (the grave).

Sing to the Lord, O you saints of His, and give thanks at the remembrance of His holy name.

For His anger is but for a moment, but His favor is for a lifetime or in His favor is life. Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.(A)

As for me, in my prosperity I said, I shall never be moved.

By Your favor, O Lord, You have established me as a strong mountain; You hid Your face, and I was troubled.

I cried to You, O Lord, and to the Lord I made supplication.

What profit is there in my blood, when I go down to the pit (the grave)? Will the dust praise You? Will it declare Your truth and faithfulness to men? Hear, O Lord, have mercy and be gracious to me! O Lord, be my helper!

You have turned my mourning into dancing for me; You have put off my sackcloth and girded me with gladness,
To the end that my tongue and my heart and everything glorious within me may sing praise to You and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks to You forever.


What an assume way to read Scripture !!!!  Online !!

Elizabeth tells me "take it to God!"
Seems to hard of a concept for me, but "run to the Shepherd?" 
Ah the sweet comfort that wells up inside my chest and overflows my eyes.

This time my Shepherd seemed to corral the man I dislike intensely, Nathan James.
No matter how "rough" I am with him, mean or just rude, he has been nothing but kind
much like I suppose MY Shepherd is.

No matter what my "family" thinks or thinks they know, acording to Mark,
they don't know.  Mom says because they don't know the Shepherd.

I feel like finally, when MY Shepherd KNEW I could take no more, He provided.
He gives only what we/I can handle and then steps in with a regiment of sheep.

I must stop putting myself outside the the pasture looking in and include myself.

Sheri will teach us, I cannot wait, this "place" to go in our hearts and mind
when we need to find that rest, safety, shelter and His presence.
Already I see the rolling green valley, the large overhaning tree, fore front on the left
and MY Shepherd with his staff waiting for just me as He watches those other sheep I know.
And yes, don't know, yet.

I must get out my pencils and insert drawing !

Thank you so much my Shepherd for sending Yolanda, telling me mom does have sundowners.

Thank you for BCBS giving ME 8 hrs for mom everyday if the help is forthcoming.

Mom and I are definately so blessed to have this rare GIFT.

Help me to write a gentle, kind email to my siblings regarding my findings.