written Jan 3, never entered

I control my own feelings....
Other people's actions and words CANNOT controll my feelings.
I Choose how I respond/react.
Only I am the secret to MY happiness. NOT others.

Jan 2 I wrote a letter to my siblings, one not to be sent unless Sheri advised.  I have been instructed to share NOTHING with my siblings ~~ no feelings, no thoughts, nothing
For I am now understanding letters like the one I wrote do not make sense to them, they do not want to know my feelings and when I share them it only gives them more ammunition (my word).
I wrote:
Until you live it, breath it and are intimate with your own problem, others just have no understanding.

Mark came over and we spent time in intimate problem solving and it became painfully aware to me; that what we ONCE WERE, never seems to be forgotten, forgiven and is a thrown into the fire of a new problem so that the one having said problem is never quenched from the very ones who can forgive, forget and if not forget,then realize that every passing day, change is possible and motives are held in secret unless one asks.

Grace asked.

Yes my relationship with "God" has been weary and has been awesome; but only those who do not judge find comfort that God is powerful enough to do a good work in someone's life.

I have freely admitted my faults and failures, those I know about; but if someone else sees something and then dismisses time to sit down and tell someone their truth of what they see, what good is it to another? I see it as toilet paper trailing from underpanties and a skirt stuck up a crotch and no one bothers to help or take aside the offender and laugh, encourage and help fix offense.

Grace decided to take matters into her own hands and "fix" but instead it caused many a ripple on this side.

You see, because I thought Gracie understood the deep emotion coming from my soul, I sought her out. Instead it made hers worse. And overboard she went with trying to fix a problem which was not really there.

BUT, she did help me find the way to look for answers.
As this was all happening, a woman called and announced she was mom's Anthem BCBS case manager. I shared MY problem. I shared what I THOUGHT was mom's.

Then Gracie said BCBS paid for up to 8 hrs of "care." I brought that to the attention of mom's CM and asked was it true. I held my breath and fervently cried out to God that it was true. Several weeks later I learned that mom could have up to 8 hrs per day of ONLY certified nursing care, not companion care. Along with the CNA came an RN.

As I have openly said before but will say again, thank you Gracie for finding Advantage. An agency I knew nothing about and was NOT listed on the State registry, now is.

With all this stress the last month, mom has developed something very disheartening. She has had a few TIA's and will see her cardiologist Jan 4. This only occured because I dared boldly face the medical system and tell them to STOP focusing on mom's diabetes and demanded to see Dr Willard.

In process was the working of God. I see it clearly now.

As mom was developing this new problem, Pastor James and Elizabeth stepped in to help me, and then Margaret (RN case manager from Advantage) did as well.

Mom was slowly developing this new problem as HER stress and my stress levels increased. I asked Margaret for evening care for mom one day and the next day I had it. Our morning care is still being ironed out.

Yolanda has worked with adults all of her CNA career. I am a pediatric nurse. I have never stated I knew all about mom's diabetes (until July when we last saw Dr Willard) but I know about anything pertaining to cardiovascular, including TIA's.
Last night as we were eating, mom began; I asked Yolanda to watch her eat (literally play with her food, stuff her mouth full, look as if sleeping and have garbled erratic and strange speech) and she told me as I have suspected . . . mom has "sundowners syndrome." Please read http://sundownerfacts.com/sundowners-syndrome/

http://www.everydayhealth.com/alzheimers/alzheimers-progression.aspx

Mom does have all of stage 7 symptoms and quite a few other symptoms quite notably her memory of recor past events. As with Dad, I learned MORE about his childhood after the accident and mom is telling me more about her past and very little about recent as these memories are fading.

Don was here yesterday and saw another episode of mom flushing white, inability to walk or stand up well. It last about 1 hr. Her blood sugar and blood pressure were fine, but I did send a pacer transmission as she said she suddenly got dizzy
I will need to study up on early alzheimer's as I suggest all of you do in order to understand.

Many of you were very put out when I said it might be mom's last Christmas; I stand by that, as do others.

Because others here, including Don, are more closely associated and aware of mom's problems AND mine, I will update all of you but I will not ask for help. If I need your help with something specific, do NOT read into my request and if you cannot support me in that specific request, say so and I will seek out Pastor James.

I am going to ask that you no longer ask "who will make mom's decisions for her" and that you no longer call me/say of me that I am incapable of handling or dealing with any of mom's "life."

I am capable and if you need proof, I feel sorry for you, but I will provide it.

Mom's will and estate are her's and her choices and decisions alone. They will be shared with you on a need to know basis and I am being backed by mom and Pastor James.

Back to Gracie's straight out question ~~ if you cannot tell or know, that is the only way I know what is being said or asked for as I externally process my communication, I cannot read your minds as you internally process yours. As I met with Sheri week after week, the date grew closer to a group therapy session she was conducting. Finally I asked, may I join? It was in regards to "inner healing" based on Terry Wardle's testimony, experience and teaching. http://www.healingcare.org/

Part of mom's prayers have been answered.
Sincerely, ElLois

How much better to guard my heart instead of pouring it out in from of swine's feet.

Since I wrote this, I have found out that  Anthem needs a PA from the agency....
mom is diagnosed with mild vascular dementia