deafening silence

It's the deafening silence, the awareness that no one else is in the house with me...the cat follows me silently.  I would not know she were here if I did not have good eye sight. The lights are off, the heat not yet turned on and I feel wrapped intransparent blanket that wont hide my feelings.

The dark rooms have nothing speical to say and boost about....they have memories, each of them.  They are as quite as the air that just stands ready to be inhaled.

I have heard mum 3 times in the last 2 weeks .... she wakes me up summoning me to her side "Lois."
A weak, pleading voice, that is distinctly my loving mum needing some help...."I hurt" she use to say and I would rub hr legs gently until she said they felt better.  I repositioned her, changed her, got some vicadin, gave her some water..... anything to make her feel betttr.  Then tucked her in and gave her a hug and kiss.  Closed the door some and proceeded back to bed when all I wanted to do was go back and curl up beside her instead of neither of us sleeping or knowing she was listening to my medication induced sleep.

I have woken with dried tears in my eyes in the morning.  I have woke myself from dreams that haunt me adn the hell of nightmares.  I just want a night without dreams, nightmares, talking, screaming or crying.

It's not the alone part, its the lonely part.  The part without companionship, another person and  their  touch, voice, smell, doing something together that I so long for. 

I longfor love, not just my heavenly father but a man who was into me and could not think of going anywhere without me or who needed me to rub his soreness away, make sweet passionate lustful love knowing that i lust for his flesh as he does mine.

Its just the noise of the shower, the vent, the steps, the washing machine from upstairs that Ihear like a blanket of smoothering staleness over me.

For now thisis all of me and what I know.  My journal, my Bible the computer, my secret spot and holding my teddy bear as I go to sleep.....wanting so much more

I found these recently and they so fit here...............
Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out but to see who cares enough to break them down.
"We all have rooms we lock and daren't visit lest they bring pain."