Father God, I am not shaken by how angry i was and i know You are not.  And i know You are NOT punishing me,
“God has made us for Himself, and our hearts can never know rest and perfect satisfaction until they find it in Him.” 
― Hannah Hurnard

Father God, I am just raging inside of me !  First of all I have had no sleep just naps, with much half consciousness, for 2 days.  I feel like a fucking zombie.  WTF Lord ???

Then I let myself be vulnerable, hoping against all odds that one of them men I have emailed will truly take an interest.

YOU DO NOT WANT TO GIVE ME MY HEARTS DESIRE !!  YOU SUCK !!!

Yes that is how i feel right now and you know it anyway . . . . jus let me cry and why dont you just send a huge sign from heaven telling everyone THIS WOMAN IS NOT MEANT TO BE IN LOVE no matter how capable of love i have made her !!  I AM PUNISHING HER FOR ALL THE WRONG SHE HAS DONE BY DENYING HER HER HEARTS DESIRE.

i am so mad at you for leaving me like this in 2012.   what a fucking low blow !!!

those men on CHRISTIAN mingle are just as fucking clueless as men on CM are . . .. taunt an old woman.
men are fucking assholes

BBHH

I miss Becky . . . .miss what we had 20 yrs ago and for some reason, now that she is re-married, I am finally grieving that loss...the bond we had 20 yrs ago and have never had it again.

I dont seem to be grieving Gracie tho, maybe that time will come.  After all, it was only 2 yrs (07~09) . . .

The fudge recipe nailed it the other day

“Dear Human: 
You’ve got it all wrong. You didn’t come here to master unconditional love. That is where you came from and where you’ll return. You came here to learn personal love. Universal love. Messy love. Sweaty love. Crazy love. Broken love. Whole love. Infused with divinity. Lived through the grace of stumbling. Demonstrated through the beauty of… messing up. Often. You didn’t come here to be perfect. You already are. You came here to be gorgeously human. Flawed and fabulous. And then to rise again into remembering. But unconditional love? Stop telling that story. Love, in truth, doesn’t need ANY other adjectives. It doesn’t require modifiers. It doesn’t require the condition of perfection. It only asks that you show up. And do your best. That you stay present and feel fully. That you shine and fly and laugh and cry and hurt and heal and fall and get back up and play and work and live and die as YOU. It’s enough. It’s Plenty.”

Love, God.

(Courtney A. Walsh)

like sheep without a shepherd

He had compassion on them, because they were like sheep without a shepherd.

Mark 6:34, NIV

Jesus looked out at the approaching crowds and saw people who were seeking God but instead had received hundreds of manmade legal burdens.

He saw people who wanted truth but had received political posturing and religious platitudes from the Pharisees.

He saw people as more important than His own plans and need for rest.

He saw people not as an interruption, but as an opportunity to reveal His loving care and His Father's compassionate power to meet their deepest needs.

He saw people as sheep who needed a shepherd. He saw people as God saw them.

So he that goeth in to his neighbor’s wife; Whosoever toucheth her shall not be unpunished.

I think so often that Steve is someone special to God, he is not, I am special ~~ just as he is.  But God does not tolerate sin, in my life or his.  Long have I waited to hear that Steven's sin also will not go unpunished.

I cried when I received Sheri's response.

She wrote to me:
ElLois,  Maybe you should let them know.  They evidently don't see it or she wouldn't have posted that.  But be ready for her push back and defensiveness.  I just think they should at least try to see how much they've hurt you and abandoned you.  Just my thoughts....Sheri

I wrote to her:
Heidi wrote on Facebook:
It continually amazes me how those of us who call ourselves "Christians" treat each other. The Bible is pretty clear that we are to love, uplift, encourage fellow believers in Christ. God gives us lots of commands - NOT suggestions - how us Christians are to live. Our Pastor gave Steven and I an article a while ago that talked about how us Christians are the only ones who shoot their wounded and leave them for dead. Just wish we could all be on the same page - what an awesome testimony to the unsaved people of the world if they could truly see a difference in all of us!

Not once has she and Steven realized they have left me for THEIR WOUNDED DEAD.

Consider this . . . .

How awesome to consider that the Creator of the universe, unbound in time and space for all eternity, chose to be bound

by a woman's womb for nine months,

by the body of a man that knew weariness and hunger,

by a Roman cross, with His hands and feet pinned by spikes,

by a borrowed tomb . . .

Why? So that you and I might be set free from the problems that threaten to bind us and keep us from fulfilling God's intended purpose for our lives.

. . .  so I can be set free from what binds me . . . .
fear
abandonment
loss
rejection
being alone
selfishness
raw flesh desires
anger
unforgiveness . . . .

 . . .  he died the most degrading kind of execution of death, only to rise again . . .
so that no matter what cripples me ..... binds me can be used intentionally in my life?


What if all the trials in my life were God's mercies in disguise.

These [trials] have come so that your faith . . . may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.  1 Peter 1:7, NIV

What, or who, has . . .

turned on the tap of your tears,

and tossed you in your bed at night,

and preoccupied your waking thoughts,

and blackened your hopes for the future,

and broken your heart,

and wrenched an agonized "Why?" from your trembling lips?

To our heart-wrenched cries of Why? God's ultimate answer is, "Jesus," as He is glorified and magnified in our lives through our suffering. Trust Him. When guilt takes the edge off every joy . . .

when there are no answers to your questions . . .

trust Him when you don't understand.

Trust His heart.

Shepherd, you see my trembling tears and count each one as they fall from my checks and keep them . . ..
I sob for such such wonderful love, comfort and true security...... please make it go from my head to my heart and soul (my heart of hearts)