anxiety, contentment, sin

I read this and sobbed.... knowing that i was pulled away from my Shepherd with anxiousness and needless anxiety . .... mostly about monthly money and the bills . . . . enough for the month yet at least some to put away for taxes and groceries and a few simple gifts, not for myself, but for others.   Giving them hamydowns i find in my boxes are no gifts at all.

I dont want to doubt God's loving kindness

I dont want to mistrust and grieve the Holy Spirit

I dont want my prayers hindered and turn in a self seeking wretch.

I dont want to have misplaced confidence and be lead astray by my own sin full lusts.

Which I am doing by seeking for a man to love and love me.

Maybe it helps or not, i dont know, but there will be no companion yoke if he is not a man of God.

Then today i read....

David himself spent many years running for his life from King Saul. Like the sheep from his childhood, David knew himself to be in danger but had confidence in the God who was with him. The Lord took care of David through those years of waiting,

 and of course i think of myself running from my tax problems...instead of facing them and going through all the papers that lay around waiting for me to sift through them, getting what is necessary for Bass law office to file and file bankruptcy.

What is waiting for you on the other side of your present trial? Only the Lord knows, but there are two things you can be sure of. It will have been for your good, and it will have transformed you to more closely resemble the character of Christ, moving you to a place of contentment in Him. 

I do want to be content in HIM

and now I AM NOT.

elevate Christ above loss ??

With each successive trial, Paul had come to realize more deeply that all he really had was Christ ... and that this was worth more than all the wealth, success, pleasures and comfort this world has to offer. Only by suffering loss, did he grow to value Christ above all. 

Has the Lord allowed any kind of loss in your life? (lack of a man to love, and love me) Are you struggling  to make sense of hardships that you have endured? 

Ask God to use my loss to elevate Christ in my life.   Can I truly do this . . . . ???

idol = a man to love and to love me

the struggle, the story of me

My soul cries in anguish.......

why is it that God will not allow me to have someone as nurturing, kind and tender as Sol?

what is it about me that You will not allow me to be loved....

I need my mum back to love me....i have no one else to love me.....   why?

what have i done to deserve  this?

Is this the evil one just telling me i am unlovable and nothing but a filthy rag?

My Shepherd, i am not quilty, but i still struggle with no one to love me.

p. l. e. a. s. e.  ????

THE STRUGGLE IS PART OF THE STORY, i live.

promise of peace, not answered prayers

Rejoice . .. . anyway

I feel in some way that God is preparing me for a beautiful let down . ....

dashed ~~ nipped in bud ~~

that indeed i must not be afraid to be alone and i must not be afraid to like it.

so in whatever circumstances, rejoice...... or as i wanted to say, fucking rejoice anyway!!

In a mysterious way the joy of the Lord dwells deeply in the hearts of those who belong to Him.

"We (i) will have to get up on our (my) own, without any inspiration and without any sudden touch from God."  ~~ Oswald Chambers