deep longings

I wrote to Vicki

I would just like to know how you are?

The second note came with something like, I don't want to have anything to do with or I want to forget this incidemt existed  .....

 

I wanted to say:

"you and i do exist !  we will never forget but we will learn.
if you wish to forget i exist, i understand.

 

you are the one Sir indicated he did not want tis why I am asking that you share how you are doing.  if you choose not to, once again, i understand."

but she had already blocked me.

 

She removed her mail, sent 45 minutes apart.

 

I called Tim and asked why should I not have asked Vicki how she was doing?

He was VERY irritated I had written at all because he said she wanted to move on. I disrespected her.

 

He boiled down to an argument with me saying I CARE  he said No YOU WANT TO KNOW IF SHE IS STILL WITH ME.

I was disrespectful of her feelings.  I disagreed.

 

I thought about the deep longings we each have:

belonging

love

security

purpose

significance

 

Truthfully all I wanted to know was how she was and did not expect the crap that followed by her nor by him.

 

Then I read Sheri's mail.  I am deeply sad because I am NOT allowed to trully CARE about someone/  I was where she is once and I had NO motive other than to know if she was ok.

This time Tim ran to her rescue, calling me a liar.

 

I didn't want to talk about it and he said to write it in my journal was not forgetting but lingering on it.

I told him my journal was an assignment from Sheri.  He replied, then do as she said.

 

My emotions also allow me to care more and empathize far more with/for others than the "normal" person who only wants to say, "then fuck off." 

 

I am devasatated he told me i disrespected her and i was a liar.

I do not know how to tell him, without him bringing up that I am lingering on it.

I want my feeling acknowledged, just acknowledged, to be understood and for him to know that acknowledging her pain and significance is important to me.

When Joe betrayed me ~ twice (moving in with her and lying about it, begging me for midnight phone sex) and then with Elizabeth, i was attacked as "crazy" and a psycho~bitch.  The first kicked him out after he degraded himself and begged for her to take him, while Elizabeth laughed at me.  He was engaged to the first and married the second.  I am sure by now E knows that he is playing around on her.  

If E was kind, caring and a sensitive person, she would have done for me what I did for Vicki.

I was NOT disrespectful. I was seeking to understand.  My intentions were not of harm but of understanding that she was ok.

 

 I so wish I could scan Sheri's letter here.