Hi all, Yes I'm sure having w/drawal since the final airport run yesterday AM. Tears down my face as I look at all the pics beginning to be posted--wonderful! :) Recurring comment themes--sisters forever, light and laughter filled weekend, and yes Debbie, it would be a kick if we could all work together, but would we really get our work done?? :) Thanks Mary, Anne, Chris for your preparation, Rachel for stepping in Fri. night, and each precious sister that came w/ memories and love to share to make the weekend beyond what we could ask or imagine. There is a bond we can't explain and praise be to God! It was amazing to hear each of your stories expanded throughout the days together. Thank you all! I miss you! And we missed those of you who could not make it 'this time', but there will be another chance one day!   (Carol Holcomb ~ I believe the only one besides me, not married)

Steve called mom last week and spoke with mom after me....we talked about Steph's baby and how we heard about it and stuff Steve needed to share.  I told him I thought it unfair that Steph, Bec and grace leave me out of their lives wehn once I was part of them.  What happened.  Tim says it is me coming here, getting the condo and car and them wanting the trust $.  They just look for me to fail in someway.  I told him Grace wanted a 3 way conference call with my theerapist.  Bah !  If she wanted this, it should be done through HER therpist not mine.

After Steve spoke to mom, I found her crying.  She never shows emotion, so I text Steve and told him the call was good for mom.  His reply was:
Good. I miss mom. I really miss dad. Miss you too.

Tim doesnt need me nor does he want to need me.
He wants his privacy and that doesnt include someone in his life who is dependent on him for anything.....nothing.

I just so want someone who loves me for me and cant live without me in their life.

Time for another tear drenched cookie, a smoke and a rocker throbbing in my heart to calm it down..............

safe in His arms.

To the one who's dreams are falling all apart
And all you're left with is a tired and broken heart
I can tell by your eyes you think your on your own
but you're not all alone

Have you heard of the One who can calm the raging seas
Give sight to the blind, pull the lame up to their feet
With a love so strong He'll never let you go
oh you're not alone

Chorus:
You will be safe in His arms
You will be safe in His arms
'Cause the hands that hold the world are holding your heart
This is the promise He made
He will be with You always
When everything is falling apart
You will be safe in His arms

Verse 2:
Did you know that the voice that brings the dead to life
Is the very same voice that calls you to rise
So hear Him now He's calling you home
You will never be alone

Bridge:
These are the hands that built the mountains
the hands that calm the seas
These are the arms that hold the heavens
they are holding you and me

These are hands that healed the leper
Pulled the lame up to their feet
These are the arms that were nailed to a cross
to break our chains and set us free

draw me closer, give me the nourishment I need.
I cannot go on with this pain in my body and in my soul.

I am NOT her slave, I am her daughter with whom she should give as much as she receives.
I am not ready to give her anything but bodily care today for I have nothing left.  Up 2 times with her during the night, very little sleep and I need her to see my pain.  To reference it and to ask for an apology for always taking.

Will I EVER receive it.

Let me drink deep of your love and of your faithfulness to me as your sheep, whom you have rescued.
I am but a sheep longing to feel your care and nourishment.  How?

I have spoken at length on more than occasion in regards to mom's attention seeking, using me without thanks of ANY sort, and total dependence without anything emotional in return.

Some days I loathe her, other days I pity her and still other days we seem to have a good time.  She does not like to share with me...she went on a long drive with Chrissy to get her out of the house on Wed and told me nothing but told others who came to the house.  It is like she wishes all to be private, but doesn't like it when I do not share my private world, which she likes to judge.

Sometimes I wonder if she thinks I should have any friends.  She doesn't approve of the porch time with Chrissy or the private jokes and sisterliness between Yolanda and myself.  I can be funny and witty just like she can be but we do not share that.  She does not even try to return my humor, so I have long ago stopped.

Now I pity her and have guilt feelings when she is "sick"  with CHF as if I do not do enough already for her.

I am so happy and thrilled Elizabeth is back.

I had a complete meltdown on Wed...not just mom, but in regards to Tim.
Sheri tells me I give so much emotionally to both and get nothing in return....I have nothing left to give anyone and I meltdown. 

She asks me if I journal, well no ~~~~ its too frikkin painful at the time.

Just like my last session with her.  I wanted to turn off the pain, she allowed it but before I could, she asked what I felt like at that specific time..."hopeless", I responded.

Hopeless to get anything from mom and hopeless that I might share more of a relationship with Tim.

God determines who walks into your life....
it's up to you to decide who you let walk away,
who you let stay,
and who you refuse to let go.


Better to be loved by one who knows your soul
than to love without being loved in return

The Rose - Bette Midler