Prayer has always been a struggle for me.  In fact, I've described it as the fight of my life.  The one thing consistent about it is my struggle to maintain a quality time alone with God every day.  I have failed more often than I have succeeded. 

What about you?  How's your prayer life? Are you rushing through your prayer time?  Neglecting it altogether?  Isaiah 50:4 (NIV) says, "The sovereign Lord has given me an instructed tongue, to know the word that sustains the weary. He wakens me morning by morning."    AGL

Ah is this not the sum of my life?
Intentions are good, motives good but the fruitfulness is never there in the end.


Psalm 23:2
He leads me beside quiet waters . . . . . 
AMP ~ He leads me beside the still and restful waters.


I do not feel restful and the waters seem a bit choppy in my corner of the pasutre.


Lean = to guide
               to direct
               to tend toward a definite result


He tends, directs me toward still and restful waters.
This tending and leading and directing process is toward sill and restful waters . . . . .not journey.


What if all the trials in our life were God's mercies in disguise


I am still not sure i really understand.   My trial right now is finances and a job or some letter from the State.
My trial is confidence and physical ability to perform a jobs with a smiling face.
My most immediate trial is getting the toilet to unclog so I dont need to buy a new plunger.


Third Day sings....CRY OUT TO JESUS !!


"GET TO YOUR PLACE OF PRAYER AND LEAN MY GIRL"


He does lead to restful quiet waters on the journey 


(John 10:28). Our second layer of security is the Father; "My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father's hand" (v. 29). Friend, you are safe in His everlasting arms. 

Are you overlooking the fact that Jesus has drawn near to you? Yes
Are you blinded to His presence by your own tears?   Yes
Are you deafened to His gentle voice by your own accusations?  Yes

Blasted by my own words of self condemnation and shame and guilt.
My tears flow from my soul and I cannot see Him through the wall of tears.
My Shepherd is near always, it is I who does not lean in.

Lean = to rely on for support.

Lean not on my own understanding.  not to be inclined to think my understanding will support me during the storm, the fire, the flood, the tears, the anxiety, the debt collectors, the condo assoc and of course Steve.

Trust in the Lord with ALL thine heart and do not lean on my own understanding......

my understanding is limited and selfish and narrow...usually on the pessimistic side.

I asked for some change in my financial situation by March first and I have a job interview 3/1.
I am most delighted as I might enjoy the benefits of using the pool at the Marriott and the other choices of jobs that are open if banquet server is not full time...hoping it is.

I also asked Him for some indication that Aurora might call on me before I need to declare that I will take the job if offered to me.

I really have no idea what sort of employee that I will make and it does cause me some concern.  I want to be sweet, assertive yet submissive and always be positive and not carry my burden on my shoulder.  I also would not want to come across as angry or rude or speak unmannerly as I have had trouble with this all my life.  I need to ALWAYS think before I speak.  I wish to come across as confident yet casually demure.

From the Amplified Bible:  Vividly she pictured it; The voice of my beloved Shepherd ~~ "Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away."

AGL writes:  There are times when God just wants us all to Himself.
Hosea 2:14 I will allure her and bring her into the wilderness and I will speak tenderly and to her heart.

Come away to the wilderness.........  yes, I definitely feel as if I am IN the wilderness.  I feel alone, deserted by family and some friends, finances are gone and in 10 days I will no longer have my Internet, then my cell will be gone and soon Steve will learn I have not paid my condo assoc fees.  THAT is what I fear the most.  Steve learning out about my mess.    Such a desert and I can find myself in my special place with my Shepherd with green pasture and cool waters.  We can talk anytime we choose and I am safe.  I have no want of anything but feeling him near me.   In me.  Holding me and I lean in.

On the one hand, we should not rush or strive to manipulate love. It will grow naturally as the Lord gives it life. In due season, the right young man or woman will come along. On the other hand, when love begins to grow, the Lord has given us the covenant of marriage to freely stir up and awaken love for our mutual pleasure.

Hope
There are times I want and need you all to Myself.
We will get through this together.

thanksgiving:
     1) for hope, that invisible peace that flies through, perches and sings a song of expectations
     2) after only 75 Q? Stephy passed her State Boards
     3) for the love and friendship of Stephy

specific requests;
     I have none....just that I listen and lean and not panic and keep to my schedule

Hold Me Jesus - Rich Mullins with lyrics.

This is the way it feels sometimes Jesus...all dark and needing to be held......
why do I wait so long to ask you to hold me, to find my special place and rest?

Specific request:  give me a thirst to find you everyday and several times if need be

I'd rather fight You for something I don't really want

It just seems that my Shepherd has been calling me a long time to cease from striving....
Rich Mullin sings it best: 
Hold Me Jesus

"Well sometimes my life just don't make sense at all
When the mountains look so big
And my faith just seems so small

So hold me Jesus 'cause
I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my
Prince of Peace

And I wake up in the night and feel the dark
It's so hot inside my soul                                  this is what happened last night !!
I swear there must be blisters on my heart

So hold me Jesus 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

Surrender don't come natural to me
I'd rather fight You for something I don't really want
Than to take what You give that I need
And I've beat my head against so many walls
Now i'm falling down, i'm falling on my knees

And this Salvation
Army band is playing this hymn
And Your grace rings out so deep
It makes my resistance seem so thin

I'm singing hold me Jesus 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

Psalm 23:1-2 Present tense

The Lord IS my Shepherd, I will lack nothing, I shall not want.
The Shepherd feeds, guides, and keeps me safe.

He MAKES me lie down in freash, tender green pastures.
He makes, [causes to be, set in order, prepare to do]

Does this mean taht the Shepherd sets into action some dominoe affect that causes me to lie, rest, stop striving?
1) Personally I believe this to be true of my life.
2) If daily walking with the Shepherd, is it not just an act of my will, to choose to lie down, rest and to cease striving?

dreams request

It is my priviledge as God's child...... as my Shepherd's sheep to:
without anxiety, with thanksgiving, continue in every circumstance, in everything, to make my wants known which are specific and definite

I do have anxiety about this my Shepherd.... it is that reoccuring dream about some man who has come in person; another to whom I help exchange $, to another totally obvious bogus scam for $..... and this has occured since Macwill Banton.

I have REAL FEARS that I will get caught up in this type of situation again and that is why I think I dream about it, often enough that it alarms me.

It is NOT a safe dream and I need my sub-consciousness, my dream conscious state to STOP reliving the awful mess I got caught up in with Banton....is it the shame, the guilt I keep redreaming about?

You have forgiven me for my lack of judgement, I cannot believe you brings these dreams to me ON PURPOSE to create the nightmare all over again.  So I am asking that you BIND Satan, stop my subconcious from this FEAR and ANXIETY, so I might rest at night.

I do not understand dreams and what they do for us, whether positive or negative, whether brought by evil or good, but I need relief from this nightmare....I NEED IT TO STOP so I can rest at night.

Believing that you are all powerful, thanking you for forgiving me of the situation....my Divine weapon is prayer because I am giving this to You

I shall not want.

The Lord IS my Shepherd.  I shall not want.

BUT my God WILL supply all my NEEDS according to His riches by Christ Jesus, my Shepherd.

Because the Lord IS my Shepherd, I will not need to worry that my needs will be supplied, according to God's riches....not because of my performance, my sin or the consequences there of, but according to God's riches, presented to me by my Shepherd.

But that does NOT absolve me of reaching out and attempting to find a source of income.

The amplified version reads:
The LORD (Jehovah God) is my Shepherd [to feed, guide, and sheild me], I shall not lack.

Do not fret or have any anxiety about anything but in every circumstance and in everything by prayer and petition[definite requests] with thanksgiving continue to make your wants known to God.

My priviledge as God's child, as my Shepherd's sheep...... is
without anxiety
with thanksgiving
continue in every circumstance
in everything
to make my wants known
which are definite requests   

Psalm 23: 2

The Lord IS my Shepherd.....this is present tense

He MAKES me lie down in green pastures . . ..... present tense

Shepherd, last night you did make me literally lie down when it came to the overwhelming panic and anxiety over read Chrissy's email.  It was like I was wanting to do something about it and you literally shut me off and took the rug out from under me.

You know that sometimes I just do NOT listen and I talk over you so that you cannot be heard.  I so do not want this happen...it is not my intentions and motives but you know and I know deep in my heart, I will not learn these lessons over nite, unless you make them happen....so I continue to ask for your grace, mercy and kindness in MAKING me lie down...... that I literally must be broken and lying in green pastures, for you to work my business.

The pastures are green because you care.  You love and are truly attached to my weaknes and feelings....you could give sand or rocks or no rivers at all...yet as you sit and keep watch, you want me knowing that you are comprehending my tears, my fears, my anxiety, and do know within yourself...so provide green passtures.

I never thought of it that way before.  
Maybe I should find a Max Lucado or someone else's book on Psalm 23.

Already I am exhausted from tears.  Yes and fears. 

make room in my life for his reign and his rule

dearest mom wrote THE PRESENT TENSE GOD

He is not some God, some Shepherd who is not aware of our weakness of our feelings of our circumstances, but is fully alerted to them and comes to us with knowing.... a true knowing.

AGL wrote...GOD IS ATTACHED TO OUR WEAKNESS.

 If so I need no other Gods.

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD

I SHALL NOT WANT.

Even if it is internet, medicine, gas money, true freindship, warmth, safety from myself

he is my Shepherd and he knows I have need of these, so why should I want?

Because I am scared, crying, lonely an an orphan to whom I cannot go to my family for help.

Why?  Because I gave their money to a stranger, an action I had no right to do.

and why God, my Shepherd forgives me, has forgiven me, they have no fully forgiven me.

I also have no forgiven myself.

Taking it to him ?  He will only ask what I speal of?

every day a verse from Psalm 23

my gods

I have made my smokes my god
I have made my computer my god
I have made food my comforter
and I have put my trust in chrissy to provide the 1300 she owes me..... she has destroyed my trust.

Last night I could not even find my Shepherd and our secret place.

Green Pastures- Fernando Ortega

Troubles and trials often betray us
Causing the weary body to stray
But we shall walk beside the still waters
With the Good Shepherd leading the way

     Those who have strayed were sought by the master   I stray often from the Shepherd, going my own way and He seems to call me back in a small voice, but I MUST listen for it.....
when I call to him, He brings me to Him and puts his arm around me, in our special place knowing ~~ I MUST keep looking to my Shepherd for He is VERY attuned to my needs, wants and yes, my feelings.  I MUST rest and let him hold me...just me.   
     He who once gave his life for the sheep
     Out on the mountain still he is searching
     Bringing them in forever to keep
I am NOT alone.  See the Shepherd right here with me,  He holds me and takes care of me.  He understands exactly what you are feeling. 

Going up home to live in green pastures
Where we shall live and die nevermore
Even the Lord will be in that number
When we shall reach that heavenly shore

     We shall not heed the voice of a stranger
     For he will lead us onto despair   I do listen to the voice of that stranger, the deceiver, who leads me to daily despair...... and it shakes my confidence that my Shepherd will He wil supple for me, or give me the guidance and wisdom to know what I must do.
Following on with Jesus our Savior
We shall all reach that country so fair

Going up home to live in green pastures
Where we shall live and die nevermore
Even the Lord will be in that number
When we shall reach that heavenly shore

the primary use of prayer is not expressing ourselves but becoming ourselves and we need God to do this, for we cannot do this alone.