Sunday, March 31, 2013
greater plans and why
Jesus does not protect those He loves from bad things happening but uses bad things to fulfill His greater plan. He is glad, not that we suffer, but that we have the opportunity to grow in our faith and display His glory, which is the fulfillment of the very purpose for our existence. Don't settle for less than more!
Saturday, March 30, 2013
because of the cross . . .
Several things have come to my attention in regards to the resurrection.....
one is that the chief Priests and Pharisees (teachers of the Law) mocked Jesus and said, so he could not save himself from the cruel torture and death on the cross.
BUT, I wonder what their response was when they learned the seal on the tomb had not been disturbed by man, the heavy stone had been rolled away...that their nemesis was not in the grave, only the grave clothes. That His prophesies of His own death and resurrection had indeed occurred.
We are not told of their response. I wonder how many fell to the knees in repentance?
It has been years since I have been at the foot of the cross during this weekend.
Seeing once again, in so many ways, the meaning of the cross in not just my life but in the lives of the world's creation, has stirred my heart and mind.
I seem to be aware of so many things in my own life. Sin. Righteousness. The nails. (His hands and feet) were held to the cross by God, so the nails could be forced. The mocking. His great love. The betrayal, both Peter and Judas (and my unrighteous deeds of sin ~ are they not betrayal?)
His prophesies (of His own death and resurrection fell on empty ears).
one is that the chief Priests and Pharisees (teachers of the Law) mocked Jesus and said, so he could not save himself from the cruel torture and death on the cross.
BUT, I wonder what their response was when they learned the seal on the tomb had not been disturbed by man, the heavy stone had been rolled away...that their nemesis was not in the grave, only the grave clothes. That His prophesies of His own death and resurrection had indeed occurred.
We are not told of their response. I wonder how many fell to the knees in repentance?
It has been years since I have been at the foot of the cross during this weekend.
Seeing once again, in so many ways, the meaning of the cross in not just my life but in the lives of the world's creation, has stirred my heart and mind.
I seem to be aware of so many things in my own life. Sin. Righteousness. The nails. (His hands and feet) were held to the cross by God, so the nails could be forced. The mocking. His great love. The betrayal, both Peter and Judas (and my unrighteous deeds of sin ~ are they not betrayal?)
His prophesies (of His own death and resurrection fell on empty ears).
When Jesus finally arrived at the place of execution around nine o'clock in the morning, if His treatment followed standard procedure in those days, He was stripped of all His clothes. Possibly He was allowed to retain a loincloth.
Yet because Jesus was stripped "naked," you and I can be clothed! The Bible tells us that all of our righteousness, including the very best things we ever do, are so permeated with sin and selfishness that they are like filthy rags in God's sight
(Isa. 64:6). But at the Cross, Jesus gave us His perfect, spotless robe of righteousness and took our filthy garments of sin in exchange (Phil. 3:9). On Judgment Day, you and I will be dressed in His righteousness before God because He wore the filthy garments of our sin. We will be clothed because He was stripped!
Do you know people who arrogantly insist that if their good works outweigh their bad works, God is somehow obligated to accept them?
Many people do not want to come to the place of sacrifice, the Cross of Jesus Christ, because it intensifies the conviction of their own sin and judgment and is a reminder that heaven's gate is closed to sinners.
Jesus' Obedience.
(Isa. 64:6). But at the Cross, Jesus gave us His perfect, spotless robe of righteousness and took our filthy garments of sin in exchange (Phil. 3:9). On Judgment Day, you and I will be dressed in His righteousness before God because He wore the filthy garments of our sin. We will be clothed because He was stripped!
Do you know people who arrogantly insist that if their good works outweigh their bad works, God is somehow obligated to accept them?
Many people do not want to come to the place of sacrifice, the Cross of Jesus Christ, because it intensifies the conviction of their own sin and judgment and is a reminder that heaven's gate is closed to sinners.
Jesus' Obedience.
Friday, March 29, 2013
true meaning of Black Friday, the 2nd Passover
I have been very aware at the Easter bunny, eggs and candy that represent to those who are perishing, and those also of the church, what there meaning is to this momentus weekend. It is NOT about the penalty of our sins being paid in full, but some easter bunny hoax. It has saddened me. Maybe this is what my Lord wants me to know. To know this in light of the burden He suffered and the grief He has toward those who have no understanding.
It is ugly; it is the darkest day in history. And yet we call it Good Friday. Watching Mel Gibson's movie was the closest I ever came to understanding the grisly suffering of the cross, but even the best Hollywood can put forward doesn't do the Passion justice. Walking in the very places Jesus may have stepped on His way to His death stirs wonder and awe in me, but I still cannot come close to knowing what it really was like.
Jesus died from cruel and unusual punishment. He died for me. He took on my sins and paid what I could never pay. He spilled His blood to make me pure and acceptable in His sight. The cross is the pivotal moment in history. The sky darkened, the earth quaked, and Jesus declared with His final breath, "It is finished."
It is my prayer that those I love, my family, will come to this realization before the Lord comes again. I would acknowledge and show those who have darkened hearts the true meaning of Sunday, Black Friday and the power of the Resurrection. Not the celebration that ensues because it is called a "holiday," when in actuality/reality, it is a H. O. L. Y. D. A. Y.
The LAMB of GOD, my Shepherd, is nailed to the cross to purchase my right to have Him in my life.
The second Passover.
It is ugly; it is the darkest day in history. And yet we call it Good Friday. Watching Mel Gibson's movie was the closest I ever came to understanding the grisly suffering of the cross, but even the best Hollywood can put forward doesn't do the Passion justice. Walking in the very places Jesus may have stepped on His way to His death stirs wonder and awe in me, but I still cannot come close to knowing what it really was like.
Jesus died from cruel and unusual punishment. He died for me. He took on my sins and paid what I could never pay. He spilled His blood to make me pure and acceptable in His sight. The cross is the pivotal moment in history. The sky darkened, the earth quaked, and Jesus declared with His final breath, "It is finished."
It is my prayer that those I love, my family, will come to this realization before the Lord comes again. I would acknowledge and show those who have darkened hearts the true meaning of Sunday, Black Friday and the power of the Resurrection. Not the celebration that ensues because it is called a "holiday," when in actuality/reality, it is a H. O. L. Y. D. A. Y.
The LAMB of GOD, my Shepherd, is nailed to the cross to purchase my right to have Him in my life.
The second Passover.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Isaiah 53
1 Who hath believed our message? and to whom hath the arm of Jehovah been revealed? 2 For he grew up before him as a tender plant, and as a root out of a dry ground: he hath no form nor comeliness; and when we see him, there is no beauty that we should desire him. 3 He was despised, and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief: and as one from whom men hide their face he was despised; and we esteemed him not. 4 Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows; yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted. 5 But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities; the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.
6 All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned every one to his own way; and Jehovah hath laid on him the iniquity of us all.
7 He was oppressed, yet when he was afflicted he opened not his mouth; as a lamb that is led to the slaughter, and as a sheep that before its shearers is dumb, so he opened not his mouth.
8 By oppression and judgment he was taken away; and as for his generation, who among them considered that he was cut off out of the land of the living for the transgression of my people to whom the stroke was due?
9 And they made his grave with the wicked, and with a rich man in his death; although he had done no violence, neither was any deceit in his mouth.
10 Yet it pleased Jehovah to bruise him; he hath put him to grief: when thou shalt make his soul an offering for sin, he shall see his seed, he shall prolong his days, and the pleasure of Jehovah shall prosper in his hand.
11 He shall see of the travail of his soul, and shall be satisfied: by the knowledge of himself shall my righteous servant justify many; and he shall bear their iniquities.
12 Therefore will I divide him a portion with the great, and he shall divide the spoil with the strong; because he poured out his soul unto death, and was numbered with the transgressors: yet he bare the sin of many, and made intercession for the transgressors.
6 All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned every one to his own way; and Jehovah hath laid on him the iniquity of us all.
7 He was oppressed, yet when he was afflicted he opened not his mouth; as a lamb that is led to the slaughter, and as a sheep that before its shearers is dumb, so he opened not his mouth.
8 By oppression and judgment he was taken away; and as for his generation, who among them considered that he was cut off out of the land of the living for the transgression of my people to whom the stroke was due?
9 And they made his grave with the wicked, and with a rich man in his death; although he had done no violence, neither was any deceit in his mouth.
10 Yet it pleased Jehovah to bruise him; he hath put him to grief: when thou shalt make his soul an offering for sin, he shall see his seed, he shall prolong his days, and the pleasure of Jehovah shall prosper in his hand.
11 He shall see of the travail of his soul, and shall be satisfied: by the knowledge of himself shall my righteous servant justify many; and he shall bear their iniquities.
12 Therefore will I divide him a portion with the great, and he shall divide the spoil with the strong; because he poured out his soul unto death, and was numbered with the transgressors: yet he bare the sin of many, and made intercession for the transgressors.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
teach my song to rise to You
Lord, I come, I confess
Bowing here I find my rest
Without You I fall apart
You're the One that guides my heart
Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You
Where sin runs deep Your grace is more
Where grace is found is where You are
And where You are, Lord, I am free
Holiness is Christ in me
Teach my song to rise to You
When temptation comes my way
And when I cannot stand I'll fall on You
Jesus, you're my hope and stay
Bowing here I find my rest
Without You I fall apart
You're the One that guides my heart
Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You
Where sin runs deep Your grace is more
Where grace is found is where You are
And where You are, Lord, I am free
Holiness is Christ in me
Teach my song to rise to You
When temptation comes my way
And when I cannot stand I'll fall on You
Jesus, you're my hope and stay
Sunday, March 24, 2013
"Palm" Sunday
Though the expectation was for a conquering Messiah, this time He came on a mission to save. By which gate did He enter the royal city as the palm fronds and cloaks were spread and shouts of Hosanna went up? Did He enter by way of the Royal or Golden Gate - walled up by an Arab leader in the year 810 AD? Or did Jesus make a slight detour, coming down from the Mount of Olives, down through the Kidron Valley and up to the city walls? Indeed, He entered by way of the Sheep Gate in the northeast corner. This was the way of the Passover lambs, on their way for sacrifice, symbolic of the coming Lamb of God who would take away the sins of the world! He was the Passover Lamb given for us! On His mission to save, He conquered death and hell.
Saturday, March 23, 2013
John 10
4 "I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me— 15 just as the Father knows me and I know the Father—and I lay down my life for the sheep. 16 I have other sheep that are not of this sheep pen. I must bring them also. They too will listen to my voice, and there shall be one flock and one shepherd. 17 The reason my Father loves me is that I lay down my life—only to take it up again. 18 No one takes it from me, but I lay it down of my own accord. I have authority to lay it down and authority to take it up again. This command I received from my Father."
Friday, March 22, 2013
this IS what life is all about
If it touches the heart of God my Father,
it IS what life is all about!!
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Praise during depression / Strong Tower
I will greatly rejoice in the Lord, my soul shall be joyful in my God.
Isaiah 61:10, NKJV
Who is praising Jesus because you are? If your praise - and mine - is interrupted by . . .
our circumstances or our complaints,
our selfishness or our suffering,
our desires or our depression,
our indifference or our insistence,
or by anything at all . . .
the light will grow dim in our lives as we sink into the mire of self, and instead of causing others to praise Him, we will drag them down into the darkness with us.
At first I said NOT TRUE, especially in regards to deep depression but I took a moment and thought, David often praised God in his depression and darkest days and nights, even if it was to praise the most sacred name of God. I think firstly of Psalm 42.
I need not praise God for everything but who He is and what He does.
When I wonder through the desert
And I'm longing for my home
All my dreams have gone astray
When I'm stranded in the valley
And I'm tired and all alone
It seems like I've lost my way
Chorus:
I go running to Your mountain
Where Your mercy sets me free
You are my strong tower, shelter over me
Beautiful and mighty everlasting King
You are my strong tower, fortress when I'm weak
Your name is true and holy
And Your face is all I see
In the middle of all my darkness
In the midst of all my fear
You're my refuge and my hope
When the storm of life is raging
And the thunders all I hear
You speak softly to my soul
Chorus:
Now I'm running to Your mountain
Where Your mercy sets me free
You are my strong tower, shelter over me
Beautiful and mighty everlasting King
You are my strong tower, fortress when I'm weak
Your name is true and holy
And Your face is all I see
And Your face is all I see
Yeah, Your face is all I see
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Anna Michael and Rufaro
Boy, will Rufaro and family be happy when I show up.
I just wrote them letters via email while the pony express sends the other ones.
I told each about being a sheep of the Good Shepherd.
I just wrote them letters via email while the pony express sends the other ones.
I told each about being a sheep of the Good Shepherd.
Monday, March 18, 2013
Listening to my Shepherd
I am just very tired in my brain, like depression hurts. I changed my bed last night, am not used to sleeping on my left and I think some back muscles decided to go on revolt.
Quick took a look at the devotional from Mark 10 where James and John request to be seated next to Jesus in Glory.
Read the following:
And dashed off to find out my fate at MWWC. Lots 3# of fat. That's like 3 butter boxes.
Chol and Trigs high as normal. Still having issues with Creat, like mum did. Wrote Dizadji and will get stuff to Scheeler. Gonna decrease Lisinopril to 20 for B/P and postural hypotension.
At home I text Cheryl. Molly is getting separated; cant remember which one that is, but if Ben's wife, am not surprised. He was crass and shameless flirting with young ones when I was at their house.
So she will move in with Cheryl and Larry. I told her God knew and provided a basement half finished.
He is jealous for me, loves like a hurricane, music in the back ground . . . .
*****He is jealous for me
*****Loves like a hurricane
I am a tree
*****Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy
When all of a sudden
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
And I realize just how beautiful You are
And how great Your affections are for me
And oh, how He loves us so
Oh how He loves us
How He loves us all
Yeah, He loves us
Oh how He loves us
Oh how He loves us
Oh how He loves
And we are His portion and
He is our prize
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking
And Heaven meets Earth like an unforeseen kiss
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets When I think about, the way...
I hope Molly knows this ! Jesus allow her to see this?
I need to go to my secret place, maybe fall a sleep for a bit.
Quick took a look at the devotional from Mark 10 where James and John request to be seated next to Jesus in Glory.
Read the following:
Isn't it amazing how we can misinterpret what He says? Listening carefully to what God says is important, because if we misunderstand what He is saying, we set ourselves up for disappointment, discouragement, and disillusionment.
So . . . would you be quiet and listen with your eyes on the pages of your Bible? Listen for His still, small voice to whisper to your heart through His Word.
And dashed off to find out my fate at MWWC. Lots 3# of fat. That's like 3 butter boxes.
Chol and Trigs high as normal. Still having issues with Creat, like mum did. Wrote Dizadji and will get stuff to Scheeler. Gonna decrease Lisinopril to 20 for B/P and postural hypotension.
At home I text Cheryl. Molly is getting separated; cant remember which one that is, but if Ben's wife, am not surprised. He was crass and shameless flirting with young ones when I was at their house.
So she will move in with Cheryl and Larry. I told her God knew and provided a basement half finished.
He is jealous for me, loves like a hurricane, music in the back ground . . . .
*****He is jealous for me
*****Loves like a hurricane
I am a tree
*****Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy
When all of a sudden
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
And I realize just how beautiful You are
And how great Your affections are for me
And oh, how He loves us so
Oh how He loves us
How He loves us all
Yeah, He loves us
Oh how He loves us
Oh how He loves us
Oh how He loves
And we are His portion and
He is our prize
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking
And Heaven meets Earth like an unforeseen kiss
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets When I think about, the way...
I hope Molly knows this ! Jesus allow her to see this?
I need to go to my secret place, maybe fall a sleep for a bit.
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Psalm 51
fdhdfhdsf
1 Have mercy upon me, O God, according to thy lovingkindness: According to the multitude of thy tender mercies blot out my transgressions.
2 Wash me thoroughly from mine iniquity, And cleanse me from my sin.
3 For I know my transgressions; And my sin is ever before (you and) me.
4 Against thee, thee only , have I sinned, And done that which is evil in thy sight; That thou mayest be justified when thou speakest, And be clear when thou judgest.
5 Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity; And in sin did my mother conceive me.
6 Behold, thou desirest truth in the inward parts; And in the hidden part thou wilt make me to know wisdom. My truth lies within my actions. When greatly depressed I can do nothing, save breath and eat. When overwhelmed, it is enough that I breath and clean up so I can do what is necessary.
7 Purify me with hyssop, and I shall be clean: Wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
8 Make me to hear joy and gladness, That the bones which thou hast broken may rejoice.
9 Hide thy face from my sins, And blot out all mine iniquities.
10 Create in me a clean heart, O God; And renew a right spirit within me.
11 Cast me not away from thy presence; And take not thy holy Spirit from me.
12 Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; And uphold me with a willing spirit.
13 Then will I teach transgressors thy ways; And sinners shall be converted unto thee.
14 Deliver me from blood guiltiness, (am sure he references Ahab who who had murdered) O God, thou God of my salvation; And my tongue shall sing aloud of thy righteousness.
15 O Lord, open thou my lips; And my mouth shall show forth thy praise.
16 For thou delightest not in sacrifice; else would I give it: Thou hast no pleasure in burnt-offering.
17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: A broken and contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise.
I know it sounds like whining and excuses, but you do know my inner parts Almighty God; You created me just the way I am, emotionally and mentally; psychologically as well. I am able know and have a more willing spirit. You know how I fail and why I fail. I do not like failure, I despise myself when in it and cannot seem to stop the quilt of it.
I fear going to prison or worse yet, not ever being able to repay anyone back with the amount I get monthly.
I must plead my case to Mr. Redmann and I feel like a liar doing so again. Give me the proper tone and words.
Dear Mr. Redmann,
--
1 Have mercy upon me, O God, according to thy lovingkindness: According to the multitude of thy tender mercies blot out my transgressions.
6 Behold, thou desirest truth in the inward parts; And in the hidden part thou wilt make me to know wisdom. My truth lies within my actions. When greatly depressed I can do nothing, save breath and eat. When overwhelmed, it is enough that I breath and clean up so I can do what is necessary.
I know it sounds like whining and excuses, but you do know my inner parts Almighty God; You created me just the way I am, emotionally and mentally; psychologically as well. I am able know and have a more willing spirit. You know how I fail and why I fail. I do not like failure, I despise myself when in it and cannot seem to stop the quilt of it.
I fear going to prison or worse yet, not ever being able to repay anyone back with the amount I get monthly.
I must plead my case to Mr. Redmann and I feel like a liar doing so again. Give me the proper tone and words.
Dear Mr. Redmann,
I am begging you NOT to take the only income I have, $1200/month that seems to cover my bills, groceries and some medications.
My doctor has been working with me since the end of December to prevent what happened half of Jan and Feb to me. I laid flat in bed unable to get up.
I also found out during this time that I had Parkinson's. My medication list is growing to the point that I must decide which meds I do not need so I can afford what I must have to have a healthy heart and brain (psychologically).
I have been working on assembling my stuff and have promised my attorney to get them to her no latter than April 8, now that I can practice like a human being.
I do wish you knew me personally to know that I have been ill, something I just cannot myself but with my doctor and therapist.
I do NOT want to claim bankruptcy and thus have paid many bills off, costing me so much, mostly for health and money I have borrow from people so that I might survive after my mum died.
I took care of her 24/7, loosing my own home to foreclosure in the process, becoming increasingly less healthy myself. Cardiac and Psychologically, which I finally had the chance to begin to correct last August.
I beg you to cease and desist to take all my monthly income from me.
I am hoping to begin once again at Dressbarn (if they will have me back as they stated, when healthier) as another source of income to repay some of what I owe. Just like you garnered last summer (2012).
I had to quit there because I was so ill.
I did call you Friday in a panic, as I was on my way out to pay some major bills, including property taxes. My panic and anxiety cripples me.
Most Sincerely,
ElLois Betts
Consider the incredible love
that the Father has shown on us
allowing us to be called
Children of God . . .
Grace is a river, running underneath my fears..
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Faith
What is faith?
It is extremely difficult to believe what you cannot see. But sight is not faith, and faith is the road we are called to travel, even when physical evidence is lacking. Archeological finds may confirm our faith, but they are not the source of it. In following Christ, we are called to believe in His name. The Spirit of Christ in us grants all the confirmation we need.
By faith I am His daughter.
I walk by faith in the Son of God who loved me, shed His blood for me and resurrected on the 3rd day.
The testimony is, 2 nay but 3 that I am His child. Water baptism (see the notes in my NIV study Bible), the Holy Spirit and the shed blood of Jesus, as He paid for my sin and then rose to redemption at the resurrection 3 days later. That is all the proof i need.
For everyone who has been born of God has overcome the world...... smoking, sexual immorality.
This is the victory that has over come the world, even our FAITH. 1 John 5
Which says tome that I have all the tools I need to stop smoking, lose weight, stay away from sexual immorality and change my behaviour ~~ because I walk by faith in obedience.
I CAN do this. WE CAN DO THIS !!!
It is extremely difficult to believe what you cannot see. But sight is not faith, and faith is the road we are called to travel, even when physical evidence is lacking. Archeological finds may confirm our faith, but they are not the source of it. In following Christ, we are called to believe in His name. The Spirit of Christ in us grants all the confirmation we need.
By faith I am His daughter.
I walk by faith in the Son of God who loved me, shed His blood for me and resurrected on the 3rd day.
The testimony is, 2 nay but 3 that I am His child. Water baptism (see the notes in my NIV study Bible), the Holy Spirit and the shed blood of Jesus, as He paid for my sin and then rose to redemption at the resurrection 3 days later. That is all the proof i need.
For everyone who has been born of God has overcome the world...... smoking, sexual immorality.
This is the victory that has over come the world, even our FAITH. 1 John 5
Which says tome that I have all the tools I need to stop smoking, lose weight, stay away from sexual immorality and change my behaviour ~~ because I walk by faith in obedience.
I CAN do this. WE CAN DO THIS !!!
bargaining or manipulation until you're totally exhausted? Have you come to the absolute end of your rope?
One reason God may be delaying His answer to your prayer and postponing His intervention in your situation is to bring you to the end of your own resources. Sometimes God waits in order to allow us time to exhaust every other avenue of help until we finally realize without any doubt or reservation that we are totally helpless without Him.
What would Jesus do?
Songwriters: MILLER, JULIE
Little child in the dark
Homeless one in the park
Not attracted to pleasant places
He was drawn to broken hearts and lonely faces
What would Jesus say, what would Jesus do
Where would Jesus go, we've got to go there too
He wants to love them, love them through me and you
We must be his voice, we must be his hands
We must show his heart so they understand
Brothers and sisters, we've got his work to do
It's a labor of love
Do you hear the lost ones cry
Will you stop or walk on by
Now he waits for us to start
To be the expression of the Father's heart
Can you feel the pain he feels
As he weeps for his own
Let's dry hisis tears
And bring his wayward children home
Homeless one in the park
Not attracted to pleasant places
He was drawn to broken hearts and lonely faces
What would Jesus say, what would Jesus do
Where would Jesus go, we've got to go there too
He wants to love them, love them through me and you
We must be his voice, we must be his hands
We must show his heart so they understand
Brothers and sisters, we've got his work to do
It's a labor of love
Do you hear the lost ones cry
Will you stop or walk on by
Now he waits for us to start
To be the expression of the Father's heart
Can you feel the pain he feels
As he weeps for his own
Let's dry hisis tears
And bring his wayward children home
Pissing match
I've been having a pissing match with mum and dad in my subconscious dreams and I woke up instead of letting it go on.
I remember the screaming and yelling between the 2 of them in Tanzania, on Jerome.
I asked dad, what happened when i crawled into bed with you when mom was at work and why did you forbid me to go back after that because I wet the bed. I never wet the bed. Only sucked my thumb till I was 14. So what really happened when I when the bed?
Yo know, my dad was not a nice dad growing up, he was always angry. He would not take me on his road trips no matter how much I begged, even for a short one. The excuse was, people would think I was his woman.
This is as far as I have gotten in my dreams. Each dream like it seems to take me a bit farther. The pissing match, confronting them is the newest and ugliest. It's like I do not want to hear anymore, so I wake up.
I guess, cause I wish to know no more.
What scares me is that my dad molested me and I pee'd in bed. He always was a horny dude with mom.
Why did I dislike my mom so? Was it because I needed daddy's love and it was withheld from me so I took it out on her?
Dad told me he was an angry man while I grew up.
He told me mom was jealous of me, for what I'd grown up to be, the independence and stand I took. She would have never been like that. Was he talking about my abrasive nature and confidence that was all a show? I was a scared 3 yr old on the inside.
Now I feel as if I am stuck at 33 when I chose Collen to fornicate with. Like I cant get past that and what followed for the next decade. Like it should have never happened.
I too grew up angry, unhappy and hurt others before they could hut me.
When that lady at the storage unit told me she remembered Gracie as a "happy go lucky nice girl," my brain did a stretch to even get around that notion. She was just the pet, as well as Steve, as well as seeing her get felt up by that guy from NS church in the office coming home from school. I loathed her spirit of fun and adventure. He happiness and her relationship with Becky. It seemed to take for ever to realize they were not foreigners to me but my sisters. Not even when we left grace behind in primary school, and went to Mitchell would she walk to school with me. I always walked alone, not even with Don. As a matter of fact, I walked to school alone even in HS. Where were Becky and Don?
Was I THAT abrasive?
The only times I ever wet the bed, was when I was masturbating on Jerome and then I pee'd myself. It wasn't till I was seventeen that I realized all those feelings were because I had a vagina, not a urethra.
Damn, I am such the fucked up woman.
I was listening to Dr Phil "interrogate" a man about his abrasive arrogant behavior. He wept on public TV when Dr Phil said his arrogance and abrasive personality could be fixed cause those were his safety mechanisms when growing up.... to hurt others before they hurt you. I guess that is why I pushed so many people away in my life.... by being abrasive, arrogant, know it all and a person who made/created verbal fights. It's why I couldn't keep roommates in college. It's why only Judy would be my friend and why I pushed men away at MBI. I was only comfortable around Glyn when I flirted with him at Christmas time, it was sexually stimulating for/to me. Twas how I remember him and me.
I was longing to be the woman I thought I portrayed while all along I was worthless, wretched, abrasive, inwardly ugly and totally afraid. My only defensive measures wee to hurt others before they hurt me. Is that why I shove Jeff away? I knew I wasn't worth all the love he shed on me, the person I pretended to be? But also really was?
It was like I had this 3 person identity. What I tried to portray. What others really saw. How I felt about myself. Now it seems to have messed all into one, except for this growing ache inside of me of the little girl I left on the highway, sad and crying lonely and needing me to go back and pick her up. Emily, I call her. That little girl inside of me seems always to be there, many times seeming to want to talk, yet I am afraid of what she will say to me and ever present, to remind me of who I really am.
Just a scared woman, who doesn't think she deserves much so I am a life screw up in all that I do.
Fail at what I enjoy the most. Being a missionary. having a partner. Being an employee., a tax payer. Like I have to screw up to prove to myself that is who I really am. Like that guy on Dr Phil. He was a screw up and when offered help, cried publicly.
Maybe my mind went haywire tonight because I saw that I was going to see Sheri next week.
I want to "make love" in the worst way back in CO with that boy when I was out looking for missions support. My body felt ever inch of his. I wanted to kneel beside his bed and say "here I am, you can have me." I know he felt it too. What a screw up that would have been, I would have never gotten to Africa.
Now what? Try to go back to bed.
And yes, I am always a pissing math with myself. Tis what I thot as I made a title for this post.
Well, everybody's got a story to tell
I remember the screaming and yelling between the 2 of them in Tanzania, on Jerome.
I asked dad, what happened when i crawled into bed with you when mom was at work and why did you forbid me to go back after that because I wet the bed. I never wet the bed. Only sucked my thumb till I was 14. So what really happened when I when the bed?
Yo know, my dad was not a nice dad growing up, he was always angry. He would not take me on his road trips no matter how much I begged, even for a short one. The excuse was, people would think I was his woman.
This is as far as I have gotten in my dreams. Each dream like it seems to take me a bit farther. The pissing match, confronting them is the newest and ugliest. It's like I do not want to hear anymore, so I wake up.
I guess, cause I wish to know no more.
What scares me is that my dad molested me and I pee'd in bed. He always was a horny dude with mom.
Why did I dislike my mom so? Was it because I needed daddy's love and it was withheld from me so I took it out on her?
Dad told me he was an angry man while I grew up.
He told me mom was jealous of me, for what I'd grown up to be, the independence and stand I took. She would have never been like that. Was he talking about my abrasive nature and confidence that was all a show? I was a scared 3 yr old on the inside.
Now I feel as if I am stuck at 33 when I chose Collen to fornicate with. Like I cant get past that and what followed for the next decade. Like it should have never happened.
I too grew up angry, unhappy and hurt others before they could hut me.
When that lady at the storage unit told me she remembered Gracie as a "happy go lucky nice girl," my brain did a stretch to even get around that notion. She was just the pet, as well as Steve, as well as seeing her get felt up by that guy from NS church in the office coming home from school. I loathed her spirit of fun and adventure. He happiness and her relationship with Becky. It seemed to take for ever to realize they were not foreigners to me but my sisters. Not even when we left grace behind in primary school, and went to Mitchell would she walk to school with me. I always walked alone, not even with Don. As a matter of fact, I walked to school alone even in HS. Where were Becky and Don?
Was I THAT abrasive?
The only times I ever wet the bed, was when I was masturbating on Jerome and then I pee'd myself. It wasn't till I was seventeen that I realized all those feelings were because I had a vagina, not a urethra.
Damn, I am such the fucked up woman.
I was listening to Dr Phil "interrogate" a man about his abrasive arrogant behavior. He wept on public TV when Dr Phil said his arrogance and abrasive personality could be fixed cause those were his safety mechanisms when growing up.... to hurt others before they hurt you. I guess that is why I pushed so many people away in my life.... by being abrasive, arrogant, know it all and a person who made/created verbal fights. It's why I couldn't keep roommates in college. It's why only Judy would be my friend and why I pushed men away at MBI. I was only comfortable around Glyn when I flirted with him at Christmas time, it was sexually stimulating for/to me. Twas how I remember him and me.
I was longing to be the woman I thought I portrayed while all along I was worthless, wretched, abrasive, inwardly ugly and totally afraid. My only defensive measures wee to hurt others before they hurt me. Is that why I shove Jeff away? I knew I wasn't worth all the love he shed on me, the person I pretended to be? But also really was?
It was like I had this 3 person identity. What I tried to portray. What others really saw. How I felt about myself. Now it seems to have messed all into one, except for this growing ache inside of me of the little girl I left on the highway, sad and crying lonely and needing me to go back and pick her up. Emily, I call her. That little girl inside of me seems always to be there, many times seeming to want to talk, yet I am afraid of what she will say to me and ever present, to remind me of who I really am.
Just a scared woman, who doesn't think she deserves much so I am a life screw up in all that I do.
Fail at what I enjoy the most. Being a missionary. having a partner. Being an employee., a tax payer. Like I have to screw up to prove to myself that is who I really am. Like that guy on Dr Phil. He was a screw up and when offered help, cried publicly.
Maybe my mind went haywire tonight because I saw that I was going to see Sheri next week.
I want to "make love" in the worst way back in CO with that boy when I was out looking for missions support. My body felt ever inch of his. I wanted to kneel beside his bed and say "here I am, you can have me." I know he felt it too. What a screw up that would have been, I would have never gotten to Africa.
Now what? Try to go back to bed.
And yes, I am always a pissing math with myself. Tis what I thot as I made a title for this post.
Well, everybody's got a story to tell
And everybody's got a wound to be healed
I want to believe there's beauty here
So, I guess you're tired of holding on
I can't let go, I can't move on
I want to believe there's meaning here
How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.
Standing on a road I didn't plan
Wondering how I got to where I am
I'm trying to hear that still small voice
I'm trying to hear above the noise
Though I walk, though I walk through the shadows
And I, I am so afraid
Please stay, please stay right beside me
With every single step I take
How many times have you heard me cry out?
And how many times have you given me strength?
I need you now
I need you now
I want to believe there's beauty here
So, I guess you're tired of holding on
I can't let go, I can't move on
I want to believe there's meaning here
How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.
Standing on a road I didn't plan
Wondering how I got to where I am
I'm trying to hear that still small voice
I'm trying to hear above the noise
Though I walk, though I walk through the shadows
And I, I am so afraid
Please stay, please stay right beside me
With every single step I take
How many times have you heard me cry out?
And how many times have you given me strength?
I need you now
I need you now
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Then came the morning
I have been listening to some incredibly awesome worship songs today...thus the past posts.
I read the following and could NOT agree MORE !!
It is just too much to be enveloped in SO MUCH love ... someone who could have come down from the cross at ANYTIME but stayed there Just for me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s2THlCm_GTQ&feature=share&list=AL94UKMTqg-9C0bk5adDbXY3I2Z2efMuXr
Guy Penrod singing, THEN CAME THE MORNING (a great resurrection song)
which reminds me..... I need to go to church the next fewweeks
I read the following and could NOT agree MORE !!
It is just too much to be enveloped in SO MUCH love ... someone who could have come down from the cross at ANYTIME but stayed there Just for me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s2THlCm_GTQ&feature=share&list=AL94UKMTqg-9C0bk5adDbXY3I2Z2efMuXr
Guy Penrod singing, THEN CAME THE MORNING (a great resurrection song)
which reminds me..... I need to go to church the next fewweeks
Plan of Salvation
I want to thank JesusFor the plan of salvationJust to say Lord I love youFor you understandI want to be there onThat great judgment morningTo touch all the nail printsIn his feet and his hands.
One morning at daybreakA crowd slowly gatheredThey were walking my Lord upOld Calvary's hillSo sad was the scene thereThe birds hushed their singingLike a lamb he was humbledTo his father's own will.
I want to thank JesusFor the plan of salvationJust to say Lord I love youFor you understandI want to be there onThat great judgment morningTo touch all the nail printsIn his feet and his hands.
I want to thank JesusFor the plan of salvationJust to say Lord I love youFor you understandI want to be there onThat great judgment morningTo touch all the nail printsIn his feet and his hands.To touch all the nail printsIn his feet and his hands.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VwgRZ9DY6tI
One morning at daybreakA crowd slowly gatheredThey were walking my Lord upOld Calvary's hillSo sad was the scene thereThe birds hushed their singingLike a lamb he was humbledTo his father's own will.
I want to thank JesusFor the plan of salvationJust to say Lord I love youFor you understandI want to be there onThat great judgment morningTo touch all the nail printsIn his feet and his hands.
I want to thank JesusFor the plan of salvationJust to say Lord I love youFor you understandI want to be there onThat great judgment morningTo touch all the nail printsIn his feet and his hands.To touch all the nail printsIn his feet and his hands.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VwgRZ9DY6tI
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