I wrote for BD blog:
I am afraid....just afriad for my heart and my soul.
I do not care if there are other women, I dont, but to find out the way I did today is upsetting to me and almost feels like a betryal.  There are no secrets.  Joe told me that and he betrayed me big time.  Matt tells me this and I find about about 2 gals and the old "TN trip". . . . esp a gal who dissed me pretty badly in the beginning of looking for another gal...a girl friend for meeeeee  !!!!!  how deeply this hurts.

Jealous no.  Envious no.  Hurt and blindsided?  yes.  Afraid of betrayal?  Bigtime only because he has kept secrets.

Should I tell him or will he care or should I not?

I just need someone to be here love me cuddle me and allow me to be a slut and give....i just need to give ..... GIVE !!!!!

I go outside crying to bike an listen to JJ Heller:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He  cries in the corner where nobody sees
hes the kid with the story that no one would believe
he prays every night dear God wont you please could you send someone here who will love me  . . . . .
*She's alone as she cries when nobody sees
*she's the kid with the sotry everyone seems to have
*she begs every night, dear God wont you send someone here who will love me

*Never did she know, that her mother was there all along if she would have stopped striving long enough with the demons inside

Her office is shrinking a little each day
shes the woman who's husband has run away
*she's the woman whose been betrayed by all the men in her life
she'll go to the gym after working today
maybe if she was thinner then he would have stayed
and she says . . . . .

who will love me for me
not for what i have done or what i will become
who will love me for me cause no body has shown me what love what love really means
what love really means


He's waiting to die as he sits all alone
he's a man in a cell who regrets what he's done
he utters a cry from the depths of his soul
oh Lord forgive me i want to go home
*I'm a woman who sits in her home all alone
*for I regret all the wrong and poor choices I've  made
then he heard a voice somewhere deep inside It said
I know you've murdered and I know you've lied
*I know what you've done and I know why you did it all
and I've watched you suffer all of your life
but now that you're listening I will I will tell you that I


I will love you for you
not for what you have done or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love, the love that you never knew
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I sit here listening to this, knowing what each stanza says and what it means in my life and Emily wants to break through...
why do I suppress her?  I am afraid of what she will do with me.

She has always taken those feelings of aloneness and no one loving me and puts them away in her pot, so black ....
Emily I need to deal witht his...  i must
and she slinks back into the dark with her pot empty as I need to figure this out.


oh God my heart is broken and hurts so badly......
I need you to tell me
I will love you for you
not for what you have done or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love, the love that you never knew

One of God's principles for marriage is that those who have established a right relationship with God through faith in Jesus Christ are not to marry those who are not in a right relationship with God. The reason for this principle was explained logically by Amos when he said, "Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so?" (Amos 3:3, NIV) For someone who has real faith in God to marry, or "walk with," another person who is in rebellion against God would mean a lifetime of compromise on everything from how to spend time and money, to setting priorities and standards. If there is no basic agreement on an issue as significant as a person's relationship with God, then there can be no agreement on lesser issues, and a compromise would have to be made to preserve the marriage. That compromise would inevitably lead to neglect of God's Word.

So . . . make your marriage a triangle, with Jesus Christ at the apex. As you and your spouse grow closer to God you will grow closer together.

I wonder if God has called Matt or Mark and that I will be the instrument that brings them to salvation.

Nothing will change in regards to our kinks, we are allowed them....

I am not even sure Matt will marry me, I would love to be married to him.

He Wants to Be Your Life

No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him.

1 Corinthians 2:9, NIV

One of the pictures in John Bunyan's Pilgrim's Progress is of a man bending double from his waist, sorting through a can of garbage, carefully extracting the little bits of tinsel he finds there. Behind him is standing an angel who is offering him a solid gold crown studded with precious jewels, but the man is so engrossed in the garbage he never notices the angel.

When we get to heaven, will you and I be ashamed of our preoccupation with "garbage" in this life-garbage that prevented us from dying to our desire for it, turning around, leaving it all behind, and reaching out for what God wanted to give us? Why is it that we seem to cling so tightly to what we want, and in the process lose what God wants us to have? God wants us to have power and blessing and glory. But you don't obtain it by adding Jesus to your life-He has to be your life!

Thomas would only believe if he saw with his own eyes and touched the Lord's side himself. Be encouraged when faith fades; the Lord graciously obliged! 

God bathed the earth last night again, giving drink to the weary petal, giving strength to the weary of root.

A host, a forest of columbine erge their weary journey to blossom

No matter how I try, the pain gets worse as I grow heavier, now at 262.  This is so dreadful!!  Today I will ONLY drink.

Lord my appetite is as out of control as my finances and I feed my weary soul with food and not you.  Just like my smoking . . .  please put an end to it.  When I wanted a smoke, reading and a nap helped.

Should I then replace my need for filling that empty hole with exercise and study??

This week I MUST sort through all my papers..... this will indeed give a sense of great fulfillment of accomplishment.  The hole will then be filled with a snese of satisfaction and there will be less need for food??

Please I ask dear Shepherd?
Psalm 35 ~~ instead of eating, I prayed.

Yes Lord, I have heard thy voice.

KLOVEis playing a lot of songs relating to hope and living for jesus and His resurrection this morning.

Its nice, but makes me cry for my loss of mom and what we grew to have the 2. yrs I lived with her verses all the tragic years we lost not loving and knowing each ohter.  A mother will always love her children but it is a different kind of love we shared at the end...a mutual respect, committment,  honesty, sharing......   I miss that.  I had it for so short a time.

I want it again . . .  I thought maybe Matt's mom, he has me looking for that in another woman.... can I really find it?  Will God really provide.... that closeness and yet so much more?
I shared spiritual intimacy with mom, our souls were that of a widow and orphan.  We both loved our Shepherd so deeply.

That I am not sure I will find in anyone, but I still have my Shepherd, NOTHING will change that.  NOTHING and NO ONE.

The resurection IS the message of HOPE.
This resurrection season has made me more aware of mom, dad, others who have their hope fulfilled, they are with Jesus; and I too will be there, without a doubt.

I do think of Matt . . . does he have this hope?  What of Joe?  Tim?  He doesnt want to believe.  How would THE SCREWTAPE LETTERS impact him?

I want Matt to be forever with me in heaven.

I wish I knew so much more about him.  He just doesnt share with me much.  Gives me a glimpse, as if I look through a dirty mirror.  But even if I clean my side, he wont clean his side.
Maybe he does have another woman who lives with him, one like me that he cannot release as he loves her.  Tis why he doesnt come for me?  If he does, he deserves it and I would be happy for him, desperately happy, but sad, none the less....  I have been "his" since Dec 09 and still I have not met or held him or felt him, smelled him nor had any tenderness moments between us.  yes I feeel he is my soul mate.  How ackward this is.
I have loved him since last 2010.  Kind of like loving Jesus.  I only know a tiny bit about either of them, can feel them at times, but nothing in the flesh.  No eyes to look into, no arms to walk into.

How amazing, yet so sad for me.

a quiet peace must have stolen its way within when God spoke directly and personally to her from the Cross. God had singled her out, He had noticed her, He had cared for her, and she was comforted.

No matter the crisis, God is tending His sheep

we sin in ways that proves our worth to ourselves

I think it was a Jason Gray interview when I first heard that statement and it has stayed with me

I know Sheri would definitely agree and ask me about Matt....

Having Matt and his desires of me does give me worth.  I suppose to many in a sick way, ugly and disgusting but it is who i am deep inside.  Maybe because of how I grew up, the nurturing I lacked, am not sure.....

KLOVEis playing a lot of songs relating to hope and living for jesus and His resurrection this morning.

Its nice, but makes me cry for my loss of mom and what we grew to have the 2. yrs I lived with her verses all the tragic years we lost not loving and knowing each ohter.  A mother will always love her children but it is a different kind of love we shared at the end...a mutual respect, committment,  honesty, sharing......   I miss that.  I had it for so short a time.

I wan

t it again . . .  I thought maybe Matt's mom, he has me looking for that in another woman.... can I really find it?  Will God really provide.... that closeness and yet so much more?
I shared spiritual intimacy with mom, our souls were that of a widow and orphan.  We both loved our Shepherd so deeply.

That I am not sure I will find in anyone, but I still have my Shepherd, NOTHING will change that.  NOTHING and NO ONE.

The resurection IS the message of HOPE.
This resurrection season has made me more aware of mom, dad, others who have their hope fulfilled, they are with Jesus; and I too will be there, without a doubt.

I do think of Matt . . . does he have this hope?  What of Joe?  Tim?  He doesnt want to believe.  How would THE SCREWTAPE LETTERS impact him?

I want Matt to be forever with me in heaven.

I wish I knew so much more about him.  He just doesnt share with me much.  Gives me a glimpse, as if I look through a dirty mirror.  But even if I clean my side, he wont clean his side.
Maybe he does have another woman who lives with him, one like me that he cannot release as he loves her.  Tis why he doesnt come for me?  If he does, he deserves it and I would be happy for him, desperately happy, but sad, none the less....  I have been "his" since Dec 09 and still I have not met or held him or felt him, smelled him nor had any tenderness moments between us.  yes I feeel he is my soul mate.  How ackward this is.
I have loved him since last 2010.  Kind of like loving Jesus.  I only know a tiny bit about either of them, can feel them at times, but nothing in the flesh.  No eyes to look into, no arms to walk into.

How amazing, yet so sad for me.

He Said

Group 1 Crew

from the album Outta Space Love

Buy on Amazon | iTunes

Play sample

So your life feels like 
It don't make sense
And you think to yourself
I'm a good person
So why do these things keep happening?
Why you gotta deal with them
You may be knocked down now, but don't forget
What He said, He said

(Chorus)
I won't give you more
More than you can take
And I might let you bend
But I won't let you break
And no, I'll never ever let you go
And no, don't you forget what He said

Who you worrying, and what you're going through
So don't let it get the best of you
'Cause God knows everything you need
So you ain't gotta worry
You may be knocked down now
But just believe what He said

Chorus

Don't fear when you go through the fire
Hang on when it's down to the wire
Stand tall and remember what He said

Went to the Easter contata at CMC last evening, then rushed off for the WiFi and really found nothing.....   but, never did read TRAVELING LIGHT.  Want to today,

I wore jeans, teal blouse and wore the teal earrings mum had on in the casket.  The first time since she wore them and at the same place she wore them.  It felt right.
Twas also the first time I went to CMC since the funeral.

Mrs Kuiper was excited to see me.  Sisters Joyce and Hazel both hugged me.  Hazel is having a harder time than I.  Should send her a poem and card.

I think I am going to ask if Larry and Cheryl want to use mum's car for their trip.
I need to think about insurance, if they do.  Also it needs an oil change.