I wrote for BD blog:
I am afraid....just afriad for my heart and my soul.
I do not care if there are other women, I dont, but to find out the way I did today is upsetting to me and almost feels like a betryal.  There are no secrets.  Joe told me that and he betrayed me big time.  Matt tells me this and I find about about 2 gals and the old "TN trip". . . . esp a gal who dissed me pretty badly in the beginning of looking for another gal...a girl friend for meeeeee  !!!!!  how deeply this hurts.

Jealous no.  Envious no.  Hurt and blindsided?  yes.  Afraid of betrayal?  Bigtime only because he has kept secrets.

Should I tell him or will he care or should I not?

I just need someone to be here love me cuddle me and allow me to be a slut and give....i just need to give ..... GIVE !!!!!

I go outside crying to bike an listen to JJ Heller:

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He  cries in the corner where nobody sees
hes the kid with the story that no one would believe
he prays every night dear God wont you please could you send someone here who will love me  . . . . .
*She's alone as she cries when nobody sees
*she's the kid with the sotry everyone seems to have
*she begs every night, dear God wont you send someone here who will love me

*Never did she know, that her mother was there all along if she would have stopped striving long enough with the demons inside

Her office is shrinking a little each day
shes the woman who's husband has run away
*she's the woman whose been betrayed by all the men in her life
she'll go to the gym after working today
maybe if she was thinner then he would have stayed
and she says . . . . .

who will love me for me
not for what i have done or what i will become
who will love me for me cause no body has shown me what love what love really means
what love really means


He's waiting to die as he sits all alone
he's a man in a cell who regrets what he's done
he utters a cry from the depths of his soul
oh Lord forgive me i want to go home
*I'm a woman who sits in her home all alone
*for I regret all the wrong and poor choices I've  made
then he heard a voice somewhere deep inside It said
I know you've murdered and I know you've lied
*I know what you've done and I know why you did it all
and I've watched you suffer all of your life
but now that you're listening I will I will tell you that I


I will love you for you
not for what you have done or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love, the love that you never knew
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I sit here listening to this, knowing what each stanza says and what it means in my life and Emily wants to break through...
why do I suppress her?  I am afraid of what she will do with me.

She has always taken those feelings of aloneness and no one loving me and puts them away in her pot, so black ....
Emily I need to deal witht his...  i must
and she slinks back into the dark with her pot empty as I need to figure this out.


oh God my heart is broken and hurts so badly......
I need you to tell me
I will love you for you
not for what you have done or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love, the love that you never knew