KLOVEis playing a lot of songs relating to hope and living for jesus and His resurrection this morning.

Its nice, but makes me cry for my loss of mom and what we grew to have the 2. yrs I lived with her verses all the tragic years we lost not loving and knowing each ohter.  A mother will always love her children but it is a different kind of love we shared at the end...a mutual respect, committment,  honesty, sharing......   I miss that.  I had it for so short a time.

I wan

t it again . . .  I thought maybe Matt's mom, he has me looking for that in another woman.... can I really find it?  Will God really provide.... that closeness and yet so much more?
I shared spiritual intimacy with mom, our souls were that of a widow and orphan.  We both loved our Shepherd so deeply.

That I am not sure I will find in anyone, but I still have my Shepherd, NOTHING will change that.  NOTHING and NO ONE.

The resurection IS the message of HOPE.
This resurrection season has made me more aware of mom, dad, others who have their hope fulfilled, they are with Jesus; and I too will be there, without a doubt.

I do think of Matt . . . does he have this hope?  What of Joe?  Tim?  He doesnt want to believe.  How would THE SCREWTAPE LETTERS impact him?

I want Matt to be forever with me in heaven.

I wish I knew so much more about him.  He just doesnt share with me much.  Gives me a glimpse, as if I look through a dirty mirror.  But even if I clean my side, he wont clean his side.
Maybe he does have another woman who lives with him, one like me that he cannot release as he loves her.  Tis why he doesnt come for me?  If he does, he deserves it and I would be happy for him, desperately happy, but sad, none the less....  I have been "his" since Dec 09 and still I have not met or held him or felt him, smelled him nor had any tenderness moments between us.  yes I feeel he is my soul mate.  How ackward this is.
I have loved him since last 2010.  Kind of like loving Jesus.  I only know a tiny bit about either of them, can feel them at times, but nothing in the flesh.  No eyes to look into, no arms to walk into.

How amazing, yet so sad for me.