Cindy wrote

Steve called on Wednesday evening.  Sounded like he was on a 'fishing' expedition.  We usually don't hear from him much.  We sent an ecard for his birthday.

Wanted to know if we heard from you and what our plans were for Thanksgiving.  He mentioned that Becky was getting remarried and seemed surprised that Don already knew and wanted to know who told us.  He said that they were doing a turkey on the 'Weber' like last year for Thanksgiving and had friends coming over to eat with them.  Don didn't ask if they were going to Becky's wedding or on what day they were cooking the turkey and Steve didn't volunteer any information.  He did say that he and Ben were going back to Guatemala this year to help in rebuilding houses for widows.  Something to do with their church.  Steve said he was not on Facebook anymore because it took up too much of his time. 

That's all.

Have a Wonderful Thanksgiving!

I replied
Interesting Cindy,

My therapist says I should not EXPECT to hear from him.  He wont return my emails and has not spoken to me, via email, when he threatened me about not having money to pay assoc fees and taxes, but told me he'd already paid with "my share" of the money.   He told me he had discussed how to handle it with you and Becky and Grace and some friends at church.  So nothing at Christmas but a small gift, no note, no card, no email; and prior to Christmas, Sept when he came.  He said he was angry with me that he did not know if he could ever forgive me.

But his wife can forgive him from adultery for the second time; and for the 2nd time almost left her.hjjjjjjjjjjjjjj79  oops that was kitty walking across my key borad.

Yes,  it took me a long time and lots of therapy to get over the shit I did, and even forgive myself for hurting not just the Lord, but myself and everyone else.   I am still attempting to forgive him .... from his withdrawal, as well as Becky's and Grace's, they all have not forgiven me.    Everyone of us has some thing in our lives that is/was a secret, something shameful, something God disapproved off, something that they did not want to come out....

I do feel like the scape goat.  There is a song....let me find it, hold on....

I can't believe what she said...

I can't believe what he did
Don't they know it's wrong?
Don't they know it's wrong?
Maybe there's something I missed?
But how could they treat me like this?
It's wearing out my heart
The way they disregard

This is love
This is hate
We all have a choice to make

Oh, Father won't You forgive them
They don't know what they've been doing
Oh Father, give me grace to forgive them
Cause I feel like the one losing

It's only the dead that can live
But still I wrestle with this
To lose the pain that's mine
Seventy times seven times
Lord it doesn't feel right
For me to turn a blind eye
But I guess it's not that much
When I think of what You've done.

This is love
This is hate... 
We gotta a choice to make

Oh Father won't You forgive them
They don't know what they've been doin' (oh no)
Oh Father, give me grace to forgive them
Cause I feel like the one losing

Why do we think that our hate's going change their heart
We're up in arms over wars that don't need to be fought
But pride won't let us lay our weapons on the ground
We build our bridges up but but just to burn them down
We think our pain is own apologies and then it'll stop
But truth be told it doesn't matter if they're sorry or not
Freedom comes when we surrender to the sound...
Of mercy and Your grace
Father, send Your angels down

Oh Father wont you forgive them
They don't know what they've been doing
Oh Father, give me grace to forgive them
Cause I feel like the one losing
I feel like I've been losing

Oh Father give me grace to forgive them...
Cause I feel like the one losing

I continued

It took me a while and a phone call to KLOVE, but that's it.
I still feel like I am loosing, a failure for what I did and the way everyone treats me.  I have reached out and in despair I receive nothing.  Sheri told do not EXPECT anything and that it is the enemy making me want to feel as if I am a failure.

Stephy is the only one who has anything to do with me.  Sometimes I think it is just pity, but I need to stop that.
After dad died, the only hugs that even mattered to me were Steve's.  I miss them.  When I moved in here and mom and I had it rough for a while, we did begin to love and forgive and give and trust each other.  I am so SO blessed to have known her like no one else did.  She was a precious woman,  I see/saw what other people saw in her; how blind I was for years.  I judged instead of accepted; wanted her to love me on my terms, nurture me as her daughter on my terms.  She wasnt a nurturer to us kids, she nurtured others, I resented that.    Forgiving was hard, accepting came easy after that.  I still miss her so much and many times I ask God for a friend, like her, to take her place.  But no one can, she was my mum.  Her quirks were coping mechanisms just like each of us have our own.

I am sorry for pouring out my heart, but I want Steve to call me cuase he loves me and forgives me . . . . I am jealous, not angry,

I am sorry if you werent ready for all that.  It just came out.  I dont need to send this email, I could trash it,

I am working on myself and healing, still grieving, but its time to take care of me.  I took care of others for so long.  Each day it is a struggle to take a shower and get dressed.  If I dont think about it, sometimes I just do it.  Admitting I needed help outside myself was hard for me.  Still is.  I am so thiankful I have Sheri.  Her dad just died and they were real close, so I know the pain she is in.

I will have a good thanksgiving.  I am going to Mary's for a few days.  She insisted.
May you guys and I could do Christmas together . . . .  ????

I just hope she doesnt take me email the wrong way, but realizes how hard this is for me