The Love of God [Live]

I will lift up my eyes...Bebo Norman

Oh Jesus, Yeshua....

My heart is busting.... I "feel" so penniless and insecure cause all my money is gone.

Just paid another $700 minus $3 for the trip...thought it was gonna be $672.
I know Verona is trying to help me and for that I appreciate Your goodness for laying that upon her heart.

I wrote an "evil"...so it seems to MrJJohnson this morning but I felt like it really came from You....
I wrote:
"I am going to surprise you...maybe... with my assertiveness.

Your view of woman in general might be very accurate, I don't know.

Your view of me, throwing me in with all the rest of your generalizations of women, is not appreciated, nor does it please the Lord.

I am not like your other woman fans, your ex nor am I like anyone else.

I am a learning and growing woman with fairly high morals and values, low tolerance for ambivelant Christians or for Christians who judge others based on nonBiblical standards that they assume are Biblical.
I try and tackle my sin of fornication, always, and I find people who say they are believers in Jesus but have no Biblical values a pain in the side of other Christians.  This does not honor our Lord in any way.

I have chatted with several men on CM, who like you, say they are committed Christians yet they do not want a relationship with a woman of value nor do they find me within the category of really a Biblical Christian woman because I am on this site and because I have an erotic tumblr.

Presently I am fighting a battle with satan in regrds to my weight, my faith that my Father wants to provide finances for my trip, my relationship with my Shepherd and I am attempting to secure for myself a "God attachment" that is much healthier than I have had in the past.  The Father who so loved us . . . so loved us . . .  gave His only Son on our behalf to redeem us from the junk of our lives so that we do not have to live in the wallow of the poor attachments we have made relationally with our parents, siblings, partners, friends and those with whom we work.  We can, with the ability of the Holy Spirit and the fact that Jesus does understand, truly understands, our struggles, mature into more than we have ever hoped to become. . . . .  IF we are willing to do the work and be in fellowship and truly desire our Lord to tenderly love us and reprove us and give us the desires of our hearts.  But it takes work, prayerful and powerful work against the enemy who does NOT want us to be drawn into our Lord's embrace and wants us to stay stuck in the mire of our casual faith in Jesus.

I guess I am done.....   I am sorry if this took you by surprise....it did me when I sat down here and the Lord wanted me to say something."

I listened to Bebo Norman as I got into my car last night....

God, my God, I cry out 
Your beloved needs you now 
God be near, calm my fear 
And take my doubt 

Your kindness is what pulls me up 
Your love is all that draws me in 

I will lift my eyes to the Maker 
Of the mountains I can't climb 
I will lift my eyes to the Calmer 
Of the oceans raging wild 
I will lift my eyes to the Healer 
Of the hurt I hold inside 
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You 

God, my God, let Mercy sing 
Her melody over me 
God, right here all I bring 
Is all of me 

Your kindness is what pulls me up 
Your love is all that draws me in 

‘Cause You are and You were and You will be forever 
The Lover I need to save me 
‘Cause You fashioned the earth and You hold it together, God 
So hold me now

 ~~ I will Lift My Eyes, Bebo Norman


I am tired, down and need to hear that song.....  cause I just do not know what else to do.

Leave the broken, irreversible past in God's hands, and step out into the invincible future with Him.
-Oswald Chambers

This fits so well with the chapter I read in GOD ATTACHMENT by Dr's Clinton and Straub..."no matter how defective or deficient our backgrounds are, God can transform us from the inside out."

And only You, the Son of man
Can take a leper and let him stand
So lift your hands, they can be held
By someone greater, the Great I Am

Healing rain, it comes with fire
So let it fall and take us higher
Healing rain, I'm not afraid
To be washed in Heaven's rain

Ps28:9

1 UNTO YOU do I cry, O Lord my Rock, be not deaf and silent to me, lest, if You be silent to me, I become like those going down to the pit [the grave].

2 Hear the voice of my supplication as I cry to You for help, as I lift up my hands toward Your innermost sanctuary (the Holy of Holies).

6 Blessed be the Lord, because He has heard the voice of my supplications.

7 The Lord is my Strength and my [impenetrable] Shield; my heart trusts in, relies on, and confidently leans on Him, and I am helped; therefore my heart greatly rejoices, and with my song will I praise Him.

8 The Lord is my [unyielding] Strength, and He is the Stronghold of salvation to [me] His anointed.

9 Save me and bless me, Your heritage; nourish and shepherd me and carry me forever.

where there is faith ~~~ 4Him

WHERE THERE IS FAITH 

I believe in faithfulness
I believe in giving of myself for someone else
I believe in peace and love
I believe in honesty and trust but it's not enough
For all that I believe may never change the way it is
Unless I believe Jesus lives

(chorus)
Where there is faith
There is a voice calling, keep walking
You're not alone in this world
Where there is faith
There is a peace like a child sleeping
Hope everlasting in He who is able to
Bear every Burden, to heal every hurt in my heart
It is a wonderful, powerful place
Where there is faith

There's a man across the sea
Never heard the sound of freedom ring
Only in his dreams
There's a lady dressed in black
In a motorcade of cadillacs
Daddy's not coming back
Our hearts begin to fall
And our stability grows weak
But Jesus meets our needs if we only believe

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iE0Dh-cogcU

grace

We are free to fail because there’s an ocean of grace that we fall into.

Eph 3:20, Ps 37:4, Phil 4:19

ThaNK  you soooo much for the verses.....  I have read them and have found them also to be of great importance to me in another matter I am struggling with.  I have been seeing a therapist weekly for many years up until I could no longer afford the $60/week.... about a year ago.  But Sheri has always taken the time to email with me on different issues.  

While taking care of mum, I joined an 8 wk group session with her using Terry Wardle's books

Wounded: How to Find Wholeness and Inner Healing in Christ 

Draw Close To The Fire: Finding God in the Darkness 

and it was an amazing spiritual journey for me. 

Sheri, approached me with a new group she is having for 8 weeks.  She stated that God directly asked her to ask me to join.  It will be on inner healing focused on experiencing spiritual and emotional transformation through a relationship with Christ.

I have been reading in Wardle's book THE SOUL'S JOURNEY INTO GOD'S EMBRACE and it is a challenge.  My soul and spirit are crushed by the words and thoughts I have read so far and I KNOW I need this.   But I cannot do it on my own, the book points out.  It is God that draws us by His grace. 

The other book I have read (the required pages) is called GOD ATTACHMENT by Clinton and Straub.

The style of writing/reading is very different in each book.  I continue to read through Wardle's book and with each page I turn, I seem to grieve and also rejoice.... that my soul's journey can end in His embrace.

There are issues I struggle with.  

I believe this is why God directed Sheri to invite me to this small group.

So you see, the verses you sent to me were what I needed to read, be reminded of, but also for this group experience. I want to say thank you for praying those specific verses on my half.  

The group session starts on Thursday.

I grieve...I must find purpose in journeying into His embrace

I miss my mum...she was my mother, my friend, my companion....she unconditionally loved me despite so many of my selfish acts....

I had purpose, she was my purpose....I loved having a purpose, to matter in the life of another....

I have been trying to find purpose in a man, a dominant man who will take control like I have always dreamed of in those strange dreams....i remember being angry at Shoshi and begging him to just stop me by hold me tight....  he was too weak and my need for a strength greater than my own will was not forthcoming.

i have to now grieve the fact that I might never have a man who wants and loves me for just me and all my conflicted and complicated mess.

My purpose MUST  be in pursuing God...a leaning into Him...my soul's  journey into His embrace....

I must find purpose in journeying into His embrace....NOT in finding more rejection from a man I think should need me and I him.

I beg You to draw me..... please draw me to Yourself...because i cant do it.... only Your love and grace can really draw me, I have no power to do it.  I am nothing just a sinner saved by grace trying to live life .... as reckless as it as been.

I am tired
I am weak
I am worn
I want to give up
I know part of my "process" right now is not enough medicine, but You know I cannot afford it any more..... You must make it ~me~ better or supply my meds.

I've made mistakes
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn.

MY souls journey

a journey to be embraced totally by my Father....

a soul's journey into God's embrace...................

I am afraid....I am terrified that I will not get what I have so longed for and it doesnt seem to be coming on my own power...and it never came in God's power.....  there is always something wrong with me as to why no one loves me....

I feel unloveable and make myself that way because I am so fucking scared to be truly loved by another....

I feel as if this is my ONLY chance in life to be sincerely happy is to journey into the arms of my Shepherd and put EVERYTHING else behind me and never have the love of a man.....

I am scared.....   I know what it means.... forsaking all things....

I am at a point in my life right now where I do find myself looking into the core of me and am needing answers that only God's plan for me can give.  I have said if I am to walk alone, I will not be scared of it, but you see, I really am scared.  And that is NOT a burden I wish to put on any man.
I want a man to freely take me and love me and really want me.  I am a sweet yet complicated woman ...  I adore certain aspects of sexual D/s and I adore serving, helping, doing...submission and surrender is in my nature, I just must wait upon God to give me His One for me..............

THAT IS MY SOUL'S JOURNEY.

I've made mistakes 
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn.

I wont settle

What do I look like?
What do You see?
What are the dreams that You are dreaming about me?
Visions of glory, I'm starting to see....
Lord, let the things You've dreamed become reality.

What do I look like?
What do You see?
What are the thinkgs that You are calling out to me?
The light of Your kingdom is burning in me...
Lord, let the things You've seen become reality.

I wont settle
I wont settle for anything less
I will hold on
I will hold on for greater things

Mark me as Yours, set me apart
I want everything, All that You are