I grieve...I must find purpose in journeying into His embrace

I miss my mum...she was my mother, my friend, my companion....she unconditionally loved me despite so many of my selfish acts....

I had purpose, she was my purpose....I loved having a purpose, to matter in the life of another....

I have been trying to find purpose in a man, a dominant man who will take control like I have always dreamed of in those strange dreams....i remember being angry at Shoshi and begging him to just stop me by hold me tight....  he was too weak and my need for a strength greater than my own will was not forthcoming.

i have to now grieve the fact that I might never have a man who wants and loves me for just me and all my conflicted and complicated mess.

My purpose MUST  be in pursuing God...a leaning into Him...my soul's  journey into His embrace....

I must find purpose in journeying into His embrace....NOT in finding more rejection from a man I think should need me and I him.

I beg You to draw me..... please draw me to Yourself...because i cant do it.... only Your love and grace can really draw me, I have no power to do it.  I am nothing just a sinner saved by grace trying to live life .... as reckless as it as been.

I am tired
I am weak
I am worn
I want to give up
I know part of my "process" right now is not enough medicine, but You know I cannot afford it any more..... You must make it ~me~ better or supply my meds.

I've made mistakes
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn.