Who I am to You

When I lose my way, 
And I forget my name 
Remind me who I am 
In the mirror all I see 
Is who I don't wanna be 
Remind me who I am 

In the loneliest places 
When I can't remember what grace is 

Tell me, once again who I am to You, who I am to You 
Tell me, lest I forget Who I am to You, that I belong to You, to You

When my heart is like a stone, 
And I'm running far from home 
Remind me who I am 
When I can't receive Your love 
Afraid I'll never be enough 
Remind me who I am 

If I'm Your beloved 
Can You help me believe it 

Going to my secret place to pray

choked and suffocated

I do not want to be choked up and wither because of worries or trouble or the deceitfulness of things or immorality.

The pleas of my heart.
LORD, MAY THE WEEDS OF LIFE NOT SUFFOCATE YOUR WORD OF LIFE IN ME, BUT MAY IT GROW FREELY AND BEAR MUCH FRUIT. 

I went to my secret place to pray with my Shepherd.  We spoke of the Holy Spirit, only to read . . .
But the Holy Spirit opens our eyes to see and our minds to know and our hearts to receive that Jesus is more than just a man . . . or a prophet . . . or a teacher . . . or a revolutionary . . . or an icon . . . or a symbol. Jesus is . .                                                                                                     the Messiah of Israel,
the Son of God,                                                                                                                                                               the Savior of the world,

the reigning King . . .

God Himself in the flesh!

God is also sovereign over the elections in Kenya were there might be violence due to violent men retaliating over who won the election.  Bind satan in them, not to create mischief among the people, creating waves of violence.  Rather, let them hunger for peace and the empty vacuum that only God can fill with his redemptive Son.

Pastor DeBurgh has probably been drained and maybe some folk responded.  Give to him a refilling from the Holy Spirit.  Thank you for speaking through him to encouragement, salvation and reproof.

Ken and Linda live amoung those at Africa International U in Nairobi.  Ken ministers in construction, right now building 3 homes for families.  Give him a testimony as he guides others, encourages workers, and sets an example of a father, husband but mostly a Godly man.  Let him ask for guidance and direction in regards to his use of resources and time, Make of him a good steward.  Linda teaches health education, wellness promotion and disease prevention in the community.  She is attempting to improve the lives of people who need her help, may they know and understand.  The stigma of being HIV + maybe be great, so I ask that she touches on that and calls together a support group, the kind I saw on that video last night in Zimbabwe.

Thank you that Becky responded to me on facebook finally.  I am not sure why she is posting things about her "roots;"  she was transplanted very young.

Lord Jesus, you DO have the right, authority and power to forgive sins.  You are God.
The paralyzed man in Mark 2 was lowered on the mat from the roof.  He and his friends believed, had faith, that Jesus could heal him but probably did not realize Jesus could forgive sins as well.

I wonder if had not the priests been there he would have healed the man since Jesus only initially told him "your sins are forgiven?"

The man wanted to be healed, knowing Jesus could do so.  But also received forgiveness of sins.

Do I have that much belief and faith??

I cannot stop smoking or over eating on my own.  Fact.  But yesterday I could not stand in belief in God and went to buy smokes cause it was so agonizingly hard.  So I ordered chantix, I can get it through July 2013.  So I found out.

Jesus, I still do not have complete faith in you as my Shepherd.

I am going to start something medical and physical for weight loss today.  I have more trust in their method than I do in you helping me.

Did I ever thank you for Silver Sneekers and the ability to have CURVES and the gym with a pool for free?  THANK YOU  That is saving me nearly $50/mon.

I just ask that chantix is not $100.

I wonder who R & S are, as well as the O people in E. Africa?  They need fruit from their service to you.  Allow the blind to see your way.  Bind Satan and let them have a revival soon.  Put your hand upon the medical ministry there that the unbelieving may see Jesus in each worker and missionary.

Re elections.  Put your mighty hand upon the Kenyan election board so they are clearly seen to be NOT cheating, that they are honest in tallying results and that they do an amazing job.

On Jesus, help me in my unbelief !!!!!

Love relationship with God

I just read that I have a love relationship with God.....
that's how special I am to Him.



What more needs to be said about God?
Why would He love you so? Maybe it's because when you abide in Christ you are so saturated in Jesus that when God looks at you, He sees His own precious Son and envelopes you in His love for Jesus' sake!


I do want to be saturated with Him, so others see Him through me, the  . . .

God, the blessed and 
only Ruler, 
the King of kings and 
Lord of lords,
 who alone is immortal and 
who lives in unapproachable light, 
To him be honor and might forever. Amen.



Father God,  You are amazing....  I have worked relentlessly today trying to finish the framing project I started weeks ago, leaving it because my heart, mind and soul were so dark and unable to function.
You care about that.  You know what it feels like to be in darkness, overwhelmed . . . esp when your Son hung on that cruel cross.

Gentle Shepherd, I long to . . .
pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness.
For if I had these characteristics, others would see Father,
just as He sees you when he looks at me.

I am so sorry I could not overcome my need/temptation to have a smoke.
I wonder if I have some chantix left.  I should have not given that abilify to Cathy, but its done and it helps her.

I received a letter from Lindy with news

Regarding your airfare and tour pricing to return through Zimbabwe - Since your airline ticket will likely be issued as an individual ticket rather than using the group’s schedule and fare, it would probably be easiest for us to charge you the “land only” price for the tour package, which is $4,790. You can then purchase your airline ticket separately through Bonnie, paying her directly. Does that respond to the question you are asking? If not, just let me know.

Bonnie will likely be giving you a call within the next several weeks to discuss with you the exact timing that you have in mind for your extended flights. In addition to your request of departure from Chicago or Milwaukee, she will need to know a timeline of when you wish to travel from Nairobi to Harare and from Harare back to the States.

I ask that you help me decide how many days I should stay and I ask that my ticket is not off the charts....  I recklessly spent $ on things I needed for the house and paid some catch up bills, but   I did go overboard.  Give me wisdom and guidance and the ability to refrain from spending without thinking it through.  Tis all I ask for myself today.

I also received a letter from Bev about the election but there are still needs. . .  as with Zimbabwe, there is a bunch technical issues related to ballots and criticism that things were "not fair."  She said 70% of Kenya voted.  But still people need to have patience for the slow returns of ballots.  Bind the forces that are determined to undermine and cause trouble. Bind the evil one who is the author of confusion.

I ask that Chrissy is truly convicted that she must give me the $1000 I entrusted to her to be held until I needed it.  Just force her to see how wrong it is to have stole from me.

Joel and Jill Skinner need to be reminded . . .
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.
- Joshua 1:9

as they minister amoung the university students in Mbarara, Uganda.  Relationship building, teaching, discipleship amoung those they encounter daily and weekly.  Thank you that their children have a home school teacher to free them for service.  Balancing responsibilities can be hard at times (as I well know) so give them family time as well as a thirst for their quiet time with you, like you gave me today.

I ask that students seek the Skinner's out for help in understanding their Christian walk, for concerns about faith and belief, and just because You are drawing them to yourself and have provided the Skinner's to be there.

Keep all my family focused on things eternal.  If you are calling Boo to missions, allow him to know this thirst, not just because he was ministering but because the laborers are few and the harvest is ready.

 Well everybody's got a story to tell 
And everybody's got a wound to be healed 
I want to believe there's beauty here 
Cause oh, I get so tired of holding on 
I can't let go, I can't move on 
I want to believe there's meaning here 

(Chorus) 
How many times have you heard me cry out 
"God please take this"? 
How many times have you given me strength to 
Just keep breathing? 
Oh I need you 
God, I need you now. 

Standing on a road I didn't plan 
Wondering how I got to where I am 
I'm trying to hear that still small voice 
I'm trying to hear above the noise 

Oh I walk, oh I walk through the shadows 
And I, I am so afraid 
Please stay, please stay right beside me 
With every single step I take 

How many times have you heard me cry out? 
And how many times have you given me strength? 

I need you now 

warnings from Jewish examples

I Cor 10:1-11

Warnings From Israel's History

1 For I do not want you to be ignorant of the fact, brothers and sisters, that our ancestors were all under the cloud and that they all passed through the sea. 2 They were all baptized into Moses in the cloud and in the sea. 3 They all ate the same spiritual food 4 and drank the same spiritual drink; for they drank from the spiritual rock that accompanied them, and that rock was Christ.5 Nevertheless, God was not pleased with most of them; their bodies were scattered in the wilderness.

6 Now these things occurred as examples to keep us from setting our hearts on evil things as they did 7 Do not be idolaters, as some of them were; as it is written: "The people sat down to eat and drink and got up to indulge in revelry." 8 We should not commit sexual immorality, as some of them did—and in one day twenty-three thousand of them died. 9 We should not test Christ, as some of them did—and were killed by snakes. 10 And do not grumble, as some of them did—and were killed by the destroying angel.

This passage teaches me: 1.  do not be bow to idols
                                     2.  do not commit sexual immorality
                                     3.  do not test Christ Jesus
                                     4.  do not grumble
The Jews on the way to the promised land did all these things, despite that fact that God was providing for them, in all ways. Verse 11 states:  These things happened to them as examples and written down as warnings for us, on whom the fulfillment of the ages has come. JESUS!!


Oh Jesus, I have done all these things and so much more.  Forgive me for finding idols that leave me hollow and in deepest darkness.  That do not fulfill.  I have fornicated, committing sexual immorality, that leaves me still seeking the love that I deserve and desire.  I have tested Christ Jesus.  I cant think of an example now but maybe it means testing Him by saying I will do something and end up not doing it ~like going to church.  I do grumble.... A LOT! Please forgive me for my ungratefulness.

Father, You are worthy to be honored and praised NOT grumbled too.
I have grieved the Holy Spirit by committing immorality, smoking and over eating...for my body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, God Himself.  Forgive me?  When I am tempted, keep me strong when I call out to you?
Give us daily bread . . . . so many do not have daily bread and I ask that these little ones may KNOW you are holding these little children in your arms as you bring them to Yourself.  Little ones have such a different view of death than us adults.  But you bring them to yourself, like you gather the stray lambs.  Allow them a sense of your wonder before they are taken unto you.
May those who have plenty, share, and then stand on your promises of providing?

Your will is being done..... I have no doubt that you are IN control; 1) of the Kenya elections and final outcome; 2) of each soul I will meet on my trip; 3) of the steps of my whole family 4) of what will happen between William and I and/or Robert L  5) of the preparation and daily walk Pastor Deburgh goes through
6) of the ministry of John and Pam Propst in Chad.
~~ encouraging news and praise that national leaders attended a discipleship conference in Ethiopia that allows the Chadian church leaders to transform lives, stimulate spiritual maturity of the body of Christ and stimulate vision for missions amoung the church.

Is this testing You? By asking why could this not happen in Zimbabwe with the EC and TEAM?
Why has it not happened?  Are all areas of TEAM like this?

I am still in awe and wonder at the responsibilities of each individual AIM missionary.

Continue to give me strength of resisting the temptation of driving to get more smokes.
Forgive me for acting like a "dog" last night (Do not reward yourself with food, you are not a dog). . . . I need self control and have very little of it when it comes to food in the evening.

For now, I ask all these things claiming your grace and mercy; knowing you are fully praised for your love upon me in giving me yet another day to persevere and get some things done in prep for use of table for paperwork.

Oh my, the red spot I have had on my left leg for years, is basil cell cancer.  They finally biopsied it on Monday

with thanksgiving and praise

Jesus I want to thank you for being the only true Redeemer, our Messiah, born in Bethlehem of the lineage of David.
You are who you said you were as so many witnessed your death and resurrection.  The Romans and Jewish leaders could not keep you from your purpose here on earth.  They took you when the time was "come" and not a moment earlier.

My Father God in heaven, you had this all planned out for Genesis 1:1, and I praise you for calling me to be one of your own.  My life would have ended long ago, before I knew you if you had not proved to me that you are God and were watching over me.
You proved to me that Jesus, your only son, was given for me on the cruelest death crosses and he was raised from the dead for me.  You then sent your most Holy Spirit to bear witness with my soul that being thirsty and hungry for a God of Love and mercy and grace, was mine to claim, as in faith I believed in the life death and resurrection of Jesus.

My Father who is in heaven blessed be your name.  Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.
That does include the countries of Kenya, Tanzania and Zimbabwe where there is extreme poverty to lavish wealth and only those with knowledge make the decisions for the whole of the country.  That decisions are made in selfishness rather than for the good of the whole.
Make your will be done.  Give the very poor a sense of a God who rules the universe and is sovereign.  You set eternity in the hearts of mankind, be they rich or poor, make men thirsty for YOU.

You have given me a privilege to lose weight and I ask that you allow me the wisdom of frugal spending.  Bless the plans of my day (AT&T, xpereince, USPS, curves), give me guidance.  Keep me safe on the snowy streets.

I ask, in whole, for my nieces and nephews.  Draw them to you and make them thirsty for you and your will.  Help them make decisions that will be good for the rest of their lives, unlike me.

Thank you for the friendship of Cheryl and I thank you for their ability to purchase a home at this time.  I so want to have fun with her and help her move.

Keep my friend Mary safe and give her restored health and a measure of fulfillment in her job as nurse and wife and mother.

As I read the "fuel for prayer fires" I am overcome at the duties each one has, the purposeful ministry, and the many many responsibilities they have, along side the church leaders.  This was never so with TEAM. I was not allowed to do anything other than learn language, which I never did, and to work on the men's unit, as well as attend church and weekly TEAM get togethers that were never purposeful for me.  Just praying for themselves, not seeming to be aware that they did not work WITH the church and have goals with the church.  I admit I rebelled for lack of purpose and ministry and then took on Collen in my loneliness.  Lying about my one sided "relationship."

But you have forgiven me, thanks be to God I am forgiven.  It seems that I have not completely forgiven myself, but in small steps I have done so.
You dont lead us into temptation, you are there among us, when we are in the process of being lead and I must learn to call on You when temptations, no matter how small, come knocking at my door.
It can be as small as "needing" another box of smokes, buying food without a budget, saying a harsh word, swearing, a white lie, to eating too much.....  It doesn't matter to you the "degree" of temptation, it matters that I come to you.  You, oh Jesus, were tempted in ever principle, value that I am, that we as a family (as spread out as we now are) are, yet you never sinned.  I so want to be the woman who asks, what would Jesus do, given this same situation.

I bring Wendy Atkins before you in Congo working with the church, while she grieves the death of her mum so far away from family.  She works with the Zande people with the help and cooperation of the church leaders.  She 1) works with church leaders  develop strengthening programs with the Zande people  2) helps to develop workshops, courses in ethno arts, trauma healing, worldview issues, the gospel and transformational development.  I really have no idea what these mean, but I  know You do and I leave those issues of her work in your hands.   3) language learning.
Give to her your purpose, a love for the people, their land and culture and direction, as well as guidance each and every new day.  Let her supporters and family know, by the urging of your Spirit, when to pray mightily for her needs.

Help me, give me strength to throw away, throw off the need to smoke for I am your temple.

Leobah, Billie, Lizzie, Brighton..... if it is your will, I will see them when in Zimbabwe.  Dear Jesus, I wish to draw closer with those I left behind before I am in Zimbabwe.  Just a desire of mine.  

I come to you in prayer now and throughout the day, because you wish me to and as your child I can approach Your throne of grace and mercy.

Oh yes, I want to praise you for the relief of my darkness and depression, lack of energy and thank you that you have known and do know of this plaque.

Psalm 88