I grieve...I must find purpose in journeying into His embrace

I miss my mum...she was my mother, my friend, my companion....she unconditionally loved me despite so many of my selfish acts....

I had purpose, she was my purpose....I loved having a purpose, to matter in the life of another....

I have been trying to find purpose in a man, a dominant man who will take control like I have always dreamed of in those strange dreams....i remember being angry at Shoshi and begging him to just stop me by hold me tight....  he was too weak and my need for a strength greater than my own will was not forthcoming.

i have to now grieve the fact that I might never have a man who wants and loves me for just me and all my conflicted and complicated mess.

My purpose MUST  be in pursuing God...a leaning into Him...my soul's  journey into His embrace....

I must find purpose in journeying into His embrace....NOT in finding more rejection from a man I think should need me and I him.

I beg You to draw me..... please draw me to Yourself...because i cant do it.... only Your love and grace can really draw me, I have no power to do it.  I am nothing just a sinner saved by grace trying to live life .... as reckless as it as been.

I am tired
I am weak
I am worn
I want to give up
I know part of my "process" right now is not enough medicine, but You know I cannot afford it any more..... You must make it ~me~ better or supply my meds.

I've made mistakes
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn.

MY souls journey

a journey to be embraced totally by my Father....

a soul's journey into God's embrace...................

I am afraid....I am terrified that I will not get what I have so longed for and it doesnt seem to be coming on my own power...and it never came in God's power.....  there is always something wrong with me as to why no one loves me....

I feel unloveable and make myself that way because I am so fucking scared to be truly loved by another....

I feel as if this is my ONLY chance in life to be sincerely happy is to journey into the arms of my Shepherd and put EVERYTHING else behind me and never have the love of a man.....

I am scared.....   I know what it means.... forsaking all things....

I am at a point in my life right now where I do find myself looking into the core of me and am needing answers that only God's plan for me can give.  I have said if I am to walk alone, I will not be scared of it, but you see, I really am scared.  And that is NOT a burden I wish to put on any man.
I want a man to freely take me and love me and really want me.  I am a sweet yet complicated woman ...  I adore certain aspects of sexual D/s and I adore serving, helping, doing...submission and surrender is in my nature, I just must wait upon God to give me His One for me..............

THAT IS MY SOUL'S JOURNEY.

I've made mistakes 
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn.

I wont settle

What do I look like?
What do You see?
What are the dreams that You are dreaming about me?
Visions of glory, I'm starting to see....
Lord, let the things You've dreamed become reality.

What do I look like?
What do You see?
What are the thinkgs that You are calling out to me?
The light of Your kingdom is burning in me...
Lord, let the things You've seen become reality.

I wont settle
I wont settle for anything less
I will hold on
I will hold on for greater things

Mark me as Yours, set me apart
I want everything, All that You are

some thots

instead of the judgment i deserve, God pursues me with a relentless grace.

he will make me bend but he wont let me break


Come to Me

bind my wandering heart to Thee

Keith Green

Keith Green wrote: 

"If someone writes a great story, people praise the author, not the pen. 

People don't say 'Oh what an incredible pen . . . where can I get a pen like this so I can write great stories?' 

Well I am just a pen in the hands of the Lord. He is the author. All praise should go to Him."

meeting the Shepherd

Such a beautiful place of isolated solitude to meet the 

Creator of the Universe, the gentle Shepherd…..

Feels Like Redemption