http://worriersanonymous.org/Share/Christmas/Holynite.htm

The Celtic women sing O Holy Night...truly awesome !!

today it is Christmas...................

We had a very lovely time with Zach and Arezou while Becky snoozed and talked in her sleep.....*laughing
I truly believe that reconnecting with them is due to Sally Ann........thank you Lord for a small rescued kitty that needed them and me.

 I am truly blest to have ones who love me and support me...Carl's Mary, Steven, Amelia Jean (bless her young woman heart), Cheryl, Chrissy, Yolanda, Sheri ~~ I don't give thanks and praise enough for them !

Such support in getting rid of Tim as well...unbelieveable.

Just wish I knew how sick Matt is and what has happened.

Oh Shepherd, make me know where I belong.... in your arms resting and to find you when I need you and when I just need to belong to someone greater than myself and all the situations I find difficult, unsurmountable and when I panic...... it is you I need, nothing else...... but a hug will always do !  :>)

Please give safety to Cheryl and Larry as they drive.

Loved ones close to our hearts
and strangers in lands afar
Together share in the joy
Emmanuel
To tell the world
...He has come to dwell
The time is near
With one voice
Let the world rejoice

Christmas time is HERE. 

 http://worriersanonymous.org/Share/Christmas/Holynite.htm

I will be seeing Sheri shortly and I am so sad I cannot believe it....I just want to be in a ball under the sheets and cry.  I asked Gracie a favor, to come take care of mum if I should go see Matt.... I would spend time teaching her and this was her reply:

I really would love to spend time with Mom!

You have asked me for a favor.  At this point in our relationship, I don’t feel I owe you any favors. I choose Not have 'personal' contact with you. This past year was rough, and I choose not to go there again, it would be best for me if you weren’t there.

 

So this is my proposal;

I would love to spend a week with Mom,

I have no medical training, but I can care to regular daily items. I am sure medical professional care could be arranged for this time frame accordingly with Medicare and BCBS. Mom’s Dr.’s should be able to help here.

 You would take your time off, and the professional company or visiting nurse, would be able to show me how I can/will help Mom.

 

The time frame that works best for us as a working couple, is from February 20^th till March 11th. This gives you three weeks to choose from.

 

If you would send me the information and confirmation of the company you will use, plus your travel confirmation by January 7th.

-a full two weeks- then we also can make our arrangements in a timely manner.

 

Please take your time off, I would love to spend time with Mom.

...me

Apparently she told mum on the phone what she was telling me in email.
I was angry with only one part...she wants nothing to do with me.  She cannot even forgive for the sake of mum.  Mom on the other hand had nothing to say about the "daughters"....silence.  She wouldn't even speak freely on the phone cause I was there.  She has no idea what she speaks about in regards Medicare and Anthem smart value.  Ignorant piece of shit.  It took Yolanda to say to me obviously she is no one you have to have in your life to worry about...you are doing a good job with mum.

Back to where I started, no one to take careof mum so I can have a time to myself...more than a day or half a day and even then I am running errands pertaining to mum.

I would LOVE a day to go to the nail place and get a manicure/pedicure...that would be me time.  Has not happened yet.  Today will take my tears to Sheri.

I feel like God is slapping me in the face and saying something.....why?  What have I done to deserve this from Grace and my family in general?

hope

Darkness can be frightening. In Isaiah 9:2 the word translated as darkness is the picture of blindness. The "land of the shadow of death" is from the Hebrew word meaning very thick darkness or terror. Those do not sound like pleasant places to be, but they picture our world of sin and hopeless blackness.

Several years ago our family traveled in Germany and stood on the cold, gray pavement of Dachau, one of the Nazi concentration camps. Over the gates were written the words used to describe hell in Dante's Inferno: "All hope abandon ye who enter in." Utter despair must have filled the atmosphere, for the residue of it still remained.

In the very beginning, darkness covered the face of the earth, but God pushed it away when He created light. Sin and death are dark because they are separated from God, but He has pushed them away, giving us light and hope. Isaiah points us to the only hope we can have of breaking the suffocating darkness of sin - Jesus. Praise God that the Light of the World had come!

I have read so many quotes about HOPE . . .  "once you choose hope anythings possible" ...... but it is not true without the light that removes the blackness, the utter disparaging black hole of darkness.

humility and redemption

God did not need fanfare to redeem us. Choosing for the Savior to arrive in the lowliness of Bethlehem's leftover accommodations showed that. Could there have been a more humble way for Mary's miracle baby to arrive? When God sent His Son, we saw the full scope of His love through Jesus' humility. Only true humility would empty Himself of all that was rightfully His, wash His disciples' feet, hang on the cross for the sin of a thief next to Him. And only true meekness would do that for you and me.

the meaning of "el"

Unlike today, names in Bible times told a story or made a statement. Names were usually combinations of words that created an intended picture, and Immanuel was no different. Im is the Hebrew word meaning "with" or "beside," while the word el means "God." Immanuel is "God with us." But the word picture of el is something with mighty strength - like a strong, supporting pillar or an oak tree. In fact, the root of this word actually means "twisted" - like a twisted tree trunk. That implies unbreakable, mighty strength.

When we feel weak emotionally or spiritually, we need to look at Jesus and remember He came to show us that God is our mighty strength. Though just a helpless baby as He entered our world, He contained all the power in the universe as God. We can trust Him to carry us. 

tired

Just tired and exhausted.  Finally got transportation for mom and it is still not much easier.  When Yo or Chrissy come I run around town like a chicken with my head cut off and miss stuff on my list (even) and get no time for me on those days.  Well ~~~  my time with Sheri is sacred, that is for sure.

I loathe snow.

Matt Hughes.  OK   *chuckling

I believe Tim realizes what is happening, but I must tell him to his face...none of the phone stuff/email, that has no integrity to it. 
When there is no trust, there is no relationship.

No $ yet, but will pay bills with taxes out in 2011. 

I need your help my Shepherd for my tax situation and my school situation .....I cannot cont to procrastinate.

Please help with motivation like you did a few weeks ago.

No one ever cared for me like Jesus................
No one ever took the darkness from me like Jesus..............

The more difficult mom becomes to care for and manage daily, the deeper my sadness grows and I find myself wanting to curl up in a ball and weep.  Underneath a blanket so no one hears me and no one knows that I weep.

Yesterday Sheri told me I have begun the grieving process.  The relationship I always wanted with mum will never be actualized as I watcher her body fail and her mind sink further into dementia.  There are more more "bad"days.   Days that her eyes do not focus, she only mutter, she aimlessly rolls her chair around, she refuses nourishment, to get out of bed and to even transfer.  Then there is the occasional bright day.  Those days are days I begin to long for but they are interrupted by the mind and taken away abruptly or slowly through the afternoon.

Steve opened up some yesterday as I called him and told him what Sheri had said.  He too has a hole deep inside of him from a father who could not communicate and a mother who was emotionally absent.  Like me he has filled it with things that are not good and only rob us of our joy . . . .  he wishes to speak more freely about these things.  I just hope it is not too late to help him before he turns in the mess I have become.

Maybe in discovering together, we can work our way out of the shame and quilt.

"Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks."
(JOHN 4:23)

If anyone is on the outside, she is. This Samaritan woman's promiscuous lifestyle has led her to five different husbands during her lifetime. Her mixed Samaritan blood also keeps her outside the pure Jewish circles that surround her. So she chooses to draw water during the hottest time of the day, when she is sure to encounter no one.

But certainly to her disappointment, someone is already there. A man. A Jew. A rabbi. It could not be worse. But the news He brings her is unlike any she has heard. He offers her water that will quench an eternal thirst. Yet perhaps even more surprising than this, He tells her that God the Father is seeking people who will worship Him in spirit and in truth.

What a shock this must have been for a woman used to being on the outside, to know that God Himself was looking for people like her - not to judge, not to condemn, not to punish, but for the purpose of worshiping Him. May God find what He seeks in us also!

In regards to AJ:
I'm going to Washtenaw Community College this year. They have this really awesome middle program there. Basically its High School but at a college level. I graduate with my High School Diploma and an Associates degre...e. Its so awesome. AND its all free!! i love it!!
Abigail is doing awesome. Being a little sister of course. lol but its good.

Hi all, Yes I'm sure having w/drawal since the final airport run yesterday AM. Tears down my face as I look at all the pics beginning to be posted--wonderful! :) Recurring comment themes--sisters forever, light and laughter filled weekend, and yes Debbie, it would be a kick if we could all work together, but would we really get our work done?? :) Thanks Mary, Anne, Chris for your preparation, Rachel for stepping in Fri. night, and each precious sister that came w/ memories and love to share to make the weekend beyond what we could ask or imagine. There is a bond we can't explain and praise be to God! It was amazing to hear each of your stories expanded throughout the days together. Thank you all! I miss you! And we missed those of you who could not make it 'this time', but there will be another chance one day!   (Carol Holcomb ~ I believe the only one besides me, not married)

Steve called mom last week and spoke with mom after me....we talked about Steph's baby and how we heard about it and stuff Steve needed to share.  I told him I thought it unfair that Steph, Bec and grace leave me out of their lives wehn once I was part of them.  What happened.  Tim says it is me coming here, getting the condo and car and them wanting the trust $.  They just look for me to fail in someway.  I told him Grace wanted a 3 way conference call with my theerapist.  Bah !  If she wanted this, it should be done through HER therpist not mine.

After Steve spoke to mom, I found her crying.  She never shows emotion, so I text Steve and told him the call was good for mom.  His reply was:
Good. I miss mom. I really miss dad. Miss you too.

Tim doesnt need me nor does he want to need me.
He wants his privacy and that doesnt include someone in his life who is dependent on him for anything.....nothing.

I just so want someone who loves me for me and cant live without me in their life.

Time for another tear drenched cookie, a smoke and a rocker throbbing in my heart to calm it down..............

safe in His arms.

To the one who's dreams are falling all apart
And all you're left with is a tired and broken heart
I can tell by your eyes you think your on your own
but you're not all alone

Have you heard of the One who can calm the raging seas
Give sight to the blind, pull the lame up to their feet
With a love so strong He'll never let you go
oh you're not alone

Chorus:
You will be safe in His arms
You will be safe in His arms
'Cause the hands that hold the world are holding your heart
This is the promise He made
He will be with You always
When everything is falling apart
You will be safe in His arms

Verse 2:
Did you know that the voice that brings the dead to life
Is the very same voice that calls you to rise
So hear Him now He's calling you home
You will never be alone

Bridge:
These are the hands that built the mountains
the hands that calm the seas
These are the arms that hold the heavens
they are holding you and me

These are hands that healed the leper
Pulled the lame up to their feet
These are the arms that were nailed to a cross
to break our chains and set us free

draw me closer, give me the nourishment I need.
I cannot go on with this pain in my body and in my soul.

I am NOT her slave, I am her daughter with whom she should give as much as she receives.
I am not ready to give her anything but bodily care today for I have nothing left.  Up 2 times with her during the night, very little sleep and I need her to see my pain.  To reference it and to ask for an apology for always taking.

Will I EVER receive it.

Let me drink deep of your love and of your faithfulness to me as your sheep, whom you have rescued.
I am but a sheep longing to feel your care and nourishment.  How?

I have spoken at length on more than occasion in regards to mom's attention seeking, using me without thanks of ANY sort, and total dependence without anything emotional in return.

Some days I loathe her, other days I pity her and still other days we seem to have a good time.  She does not like to share with me...she went on a long drive with Chrissy to get her out of the house on Wed and told me nothing but told others who came to the house.  It is like she wishes all to be private, but doesn't like it when I do not share my private world, which she likes to judge.

Sometimes I wonder if she thinks I should have any friends.  She doesn't approve of the porch time with Chrissy or the private jokes and sisterliness between Yolanda and myself.  I can be funny and witty just like she can be but we do not share that.  She does not even try to return my humor, so I have long ago stopped.

Now I pity her and have guilt feelings when she is "sick"  with CHF as if I do not do enough already for her.

I am so happy and thrilled Elizabeth is back.

I had a complete meltdown on Wed...not just mom, but in regards to Tim.
Sheri tells me I give so much emotionally to both and get nothing in return....I have nothing left to give anyone and I meltdown. 

She asks me if I journal, well no ~~~~ its too frikkin painful at the time.

Just like my last session with her.  I wanted to turn off the pain, she allowed it but before I could, she asked what I felt like at that specific time..."hopeless", I responded.

Hopeless to get anything from mom and hopeless that I might share more of a relationship with Tim.

God determines who walks into your life....
it's up to you to decide who you let walk away,
who you let stay,
and who you refuse to let go.


Better to be loved by one who knows your soul
than to love without being loved in return

The Rose - Bette Midler

I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling
But on the inside, I can hear her saying...

Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”

I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes
They're just children from the outside
I'm working hard, I tell myself they'll be fine
They're in independent
But on the inside, I can hear them saying...

Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, but what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone

So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I'm called to be
Father, show me the way
To lead them
Won't You lead me?

To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can't
Don't want to leave them hungry for love,
Chasing things that I could give up

I'll show them I'm willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this our home
Lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

Father, lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone


"My wife sat me down and she looked me in the eye with tears, and said 'I need you to be a better leader,'" explains Matt (Hammitt). "Sometimes we can have the intention of being great men of God; great husbands, great fathers, but it doesn't mean anything until you put it into action."

When I heard this I knew what I was missing growing up. The parents were so "busy" in ministry that they forgot to lead and be leaders of their children. We were so alone we had to fill our lives with what we thought filled that hole. Each of us were different in what filled the hole, the aloneness. I understand my home of origin much better.

I wrote on facebook: ‎"There are none so impoverished as those who do not acknowledge the abundance of their lives."

Ellen responded: Oh... how so! If we had eyes to see the evidences of God's grace, majesty, beauty and power all in and around us... could we stand?!

I responded: There are times when I am so overwhelmed with the intense responsibility of caring for mom and no income that I cannot see the abundance of God's love and my Shepherd's ever present care and attention. Somewhere along the time when I need a pop up against my head, I am reminded of his care and mercy of this sheep that tends to wonder into other pastures. So yes, I am guilty.

I wrote to Mary and Angel ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dearest Mary,
The following is a letter I wrote in regrds to mom....please read it.
Mom had a fantastic time but was for some reason very disappointed that she could not spend time with you. I do not know why she thought the 3 of us were spending time.
She is involved in some way with everyone ~~ *laughing, like there are alot ! :), ~~ close to me right now, except Tim.
Long distance there is you, Pia and Dorothy, plus my new old frends from facebook (she asks me about but I do not share much). Are you there?

I want to plant some perinnials in honor of you and your hubby at Dirkse Park. How do I go about doing so and who else might be willing to help me in this project?

I love you and miss you....I hold dear to my heart the time we spent together.




Angel,
Mom's body had been running down, as you witnessed, for quite some time. She was hosptialized for observation in March but at that point she was not showing signs of dementia nor hallucinating. In May she fell and had a compression fracture. For a month or so she was "ok" but slowly weakend. When she got to rehab they told me her tolerance level was nil and her core trunk was so weak she fell back. Slowly she is getting stronger.

She managed the cruise with the 2 of us doing her cares, but as she got off the train and got into Nathan James car, her legs collapsed and she could no l onger stand. I truly believe her brain let her finally collapse when the cruise was done. Exhausted.

It took 2 days before someone returned a call and said this is serious, it cannot wait for an appt next week and told me to take her to ER. Of course, my confidence in Willard is pretty much nil. Managing her BS was a roller coaster so I took her to Aurora for an endocrinologist. One less thing for Willard's office to deal with, but another specialist for me to be responsible too. Needless to say, I do NOT trust Suzana, Willard's NP.

I have requested she stay at Lakeshore till the 21st. We will have a copay for 4 days.

I must say she was very disappointed you did not come back and visit her. She voiced that, like Becky, she is not sure she will trust your word on when you return to see her.
She knows that when I say I will be back, she will see me when she sees me.

Being alone these days has me beginning to grieve when she goes and I have told her I will miss her so much. I cannot believe that just 10 yrs ago I disrespected her, felt loathe toward her and really did care much for her. Forgiveness has made the difference.

Maybe this is TMI but you were like a daughter to her when I was not.
ElLois

"There are none so impoverished as those who do not acknowledge the abundance of their lives."

I am impoverished.

The pain of loneliness without mom is beginning to become real.
I have so much from my Shepherd yet I long for what I do not have or will not have.

Dearest Elizabeth,

I love when you come to play piano.
Yesterday, as I sat and listened my memory was starting to remember why..... Daddy would occasionally sit and just play for an hour or so or get out his marimba (yes, even spontaneously set it up) and play away.

Several songs you played made me think deeply about why "It is well with my soul" was always his favorite.
I knew that mom and dad had a love/hate relationship from early on and I often cried out to God ~~ "why do they yell...... please don't let them divorce," etc.
When they argued at night, my head spun in a kaleidoscope type of fashion and my head hurt, my heart cried and I wanted my dad.

When I was in high school, mom picked a fight with me and dad told her to go to her room. The look of hatred on her face meant later dad would get the lash of her tongue and angry spirit. I always "felt" for dad.

We had some excellent dad/daughter talks later when I was in college, Arizona and after I came back from Zimbabwe.

No matter the relationship with mom, I know that dad felt it was well between his Lord and himself. It was well with his soul.

So many times I am tired of life and want to find my soul in God's presence. So many times no matter the outside anguish and pain, I KNOW my Shepherd is carrying me in his arms. I just forget to put my head into his shoulder and cry there.

Dad loved the song Heavenly Sunshine and would often hum it or sing it ....tis a lovely memory I have of my dad.
No matter the pain in his soul, he found heavenly sunshine as it knew, it was well with his soul.

Dad lived Romans 5:1-5.

Many thanks and hugs for making me know this about my dad....yesterday while you played the piano.

4 powerful words

Hi ElLois

May our God be praised for I never new how to get in contact with you
and I thought that connection was lost for ever. I am still at Karanda
and I am able to email now on my own because my son set me up. My
husband died in 2005 and the children have grown up now and I have a
daughter in law and a grand son Tadiwa. We need to update each other
and I will be more than happy to do that. Karanda is pretty much the
same and the work continues and we have gone through a lot but the
Lord has been faithful in many ways. I have also adopted a son who is
turning 6 years in September. His name is Tapiwanashe Innocent
Chirindo.

I still love you.

Dorothy Chirindo

I wrote:
> Esther Betts is falling and I need God's strength and wisdom.
> Mom has Lewy Body Dementia, a combination of Alzheimer's, Parkinson's and
> all sorts of hallucinations. She also has many other severe medical
> issues.
> I have promised to care for her, at home, till she dies.
> I have been her constant caretaker since May of 09 and it is harder now
> more than ever.
> I cried my soul out to God holding mom's hands tonight asking him to be
> merciful and give both of us strength.
>
> Late last year, not knowing God's plan for mum, I asked her what would she
> like to do that she would like to do before she never has the chance. "Go
> on a cruise." At that time it all looked possible. So I placed our
> cruise with Max Lucado and Micheal W Smith July 11.
>
> Mom is in no condition to go, that I can fore see, at this point, and I
> NEED God's strenth to make a decision....which one? I do not know.
> In one of her more lucid moments, she said I must go on the cruise with
> her best friend, it is what she would like, but that is putting mom in
> respite and I will never forgive myself if she dies while I am gone,
> knowing this cruise was placed for HER.
>
> I have not worked this whole time and my unemployed is finished.
> Financially I have nothing. I lost my home to foreclosure when I moved in
> with mom.
>
> I am in no way as needy as many are..... my heart is opened and poured out
> for the World Vision kids I sponser, the needs of the totally hopeless,
> others have greater hardship and I feel no right to ask for any prayer at
> all.....I never share things so intimate but with mom I have no place to
> go but run into the arms of my loving Shepherd and as I opened email......
> my Lord said "share."
> graciously, ElLois Betts
>
They wrote:
Thank you for writing to the Haven Prayer Team. We care about you and
your request -- but more importantly God cares and He is listening to us
right now.

"Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live"
(Psalm 116:2).

What a wonderful reality for us to take into our hearts! Every time we
pray, the Lord is listening. He's lending us His ear, granting us His full
attention. He's poised to answer us whenever we call. We can be like
little children and talk to Him with uncomplicated simplicity about
anything we have on our hearts. We don't have to know how to pray, as if
prayer were some sort of skill we need to master. (Janet Morris, ANCHOR
5/16/19)

Let's pray together!

Dear Lord,
Thank you for listening to us today! Thank you that, because of Jesus'
life and death, we come to You as your children. Please work in ElLois and
Esther's life in a loving, amazing, powerful way. They need strength and
wisdom in making decisions. Provide for them financially. We are trusting
you. Please pour out your grace and mercy - and fill them with joy, peace
and love today. In the strong and powerful name of Jesus, Amen.

I hope you'll keep listening to Haven Today on your local radio station or
the internet at http://www.haventoday.org. You can listen to Charles
Morris anytime day or night by going to that website. Now you can even
request that the program be emailed to you each day.

I also want to encourage you to read Haven's daily devotional called
"Anchor" at http://www.haventoday.org/anchor.php. You can request the
booklet version or the email version.

Please keep in touch - and let us know how God answers our prayers!

Looking to Jesus,

Haven Prayer Team

core relationships

Becky wrote:
Some people on my team are growing in different directions, but that doesn't mean we can't stay together as a core, we can't afford to loose the base friendships that we've had for so long. Life is too short for anger and grudges. We have to apreciate people in our lives for who they are and the qualitiy they bring to us!

I wrote:
We have to apreciate people in our lives for who they are and the qualitiy they bring to us!

We begin by learning to accept our family, loving them for who they are and not wanting them to be something they are not.
Then it is easier through out our lives as we expand friendships and relationships.
... See More
ah yes, much more to say on this subject, maybe a "note" at some point.

Makios Phiri June 17 at 6:52am (I believe the minister of Kutenda EC)
By trying, you may fail others. By not, you fail yourself and you may never realize your full potential in the Kingdom of God.
Keep on trying.
You are in our prayers



Masakati,
The Lord only asks us to give our best. He knows the consequences if we fail and provides or disciplines.
I have failed much in my life, so much to regret related to disobedience to God.
But determination and will made be pick myself up and begin again.
I have failed others and God has punished/disciplined me.
I want to relize my totally full potential in the Kingdom of God...I desire it so. I will keep on trying.
My prayers as well.

I woke at 2am to take mom's BS cause it has been crazy and she was cold and
not breathing.
I shook her and she took a deep breath and I cried and held her telling her
I thought she had died. She told me "I love you" so I slept with her cause
I was so afraid she'd die.
But I want her to die. She does not need to live like this !! Why God ??
!!!!

deareast Shepherd,
she is ready
she is nigh

why do You linger?

cinderelli

there once was a woman, who lived in her anger,
she beat one son and scolded the other
the daughter she domestically slaved till she was bitter
the beaten son, laid on the slave
there once was a woman who looked the other way.

there once was an old woman who no one would care for
she ordered the slave even though she was married
till the slave found herself repeating the mother

there is an old woman who has 5 children
the husband tragically died,
she is now alone in her anger and quilt
the woman is bitter and old, dementia sets in
eating her mind and her heart, evil becometh

the son she ignored comes to visit out of lost love
the daughter is two faced and pretends to care
the youngest daughter is far away and shares
her toys with the woman for tis all they have in common

the youngest son really wants to care, to visit and help
but far away he lives, taking care of his own

now there is one daughter, let’s call her cinderelli
she toils in sadness that her hope is complete
all she wanted to do was to please this old woman

she was beaten, only trying to be good
one day finally taking her stand
never wanting to marry for she feared she would repeat
each old woman's selfish bad habits
cinderelli toils this old woman in health
a maid, a cook, laundress; self imposed caretaker
till the old woman passes

cinderelli many days counts the cost, her loss and her blessings
a submissive to the heart and very soul of her being
maybe a door mat, yet strong and determined
the old woman will not walk upon her
many times weeping the emotional pain cleansed

her friends are her treasure, acquaintance not
they remind her one day cinderelli will be gone
the wicked witch of the east, the one in the west
will be silenced forever, cinderelli is freed

An unexamined life is not worth living
~~Socrates

Mom and I were sitting here...silent 

and I said, 

isn't it lonely without Danni?  

I cried so hard. 

Mum said yes.  

I can remember when she didn't want 

Jordan or Danni and now she is lonely as I am for them

Thanks ElLois for the update on your mom...I'm so glad that you finally have a name for what your mom has...I know it's been so frustrating for you and for her...sometimes it's harder for the one who's caring for the one with the illness...You have been such a rock ElLois...and I am so proud of you..I know it's been hard, but you have stuck with it and have not let others get you down. I will be praying...for you and for your mom...
I will see you on Tuesday morning...if I can get up on time, I'll be there by 9 or so...if not..by 10 for sure!!!
Love you girlfriend..
Cheryl Annie

I love you girlfriend.  It was ONLY God who brought you into my life.

letters to mom's "people"

Over the year, a slow, creeping "worm" was eating its way through mom's mind and body.  The symptoms have finally all been put together by the neurologist. We (mom and I) were wondering if she had Parkinson's; her cognition, thought processes and the frequent falls have been an ache that the pain in mom's body find unbearable, totally unbearable.   Several weeks go the hallucinations started, voices and delusions seemed to take over mom and only by God's grace and in the form of a blessing did we make it through. This is what I wrote to my siblings and several of mom's dear friends:

 

To make it short and sweet...... after seeing Dr Schneider (neurologist) today...

Mom does NOT have mild vascular dementia... she has Lewy Body Dementia.  http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/lewy-body-dementia/DS00795

Lewy body dementia shares characteristics with both Alzheimer's disease and Parkinson's disease. Like Alzheimer's, it causes confusion. Like Parkinson's, it can result in rigid muscles, slowed movement and tremors.

But the most striking symptom of Lewy body dementia may be its visual hallucinations, which can be one of the first signs of the disorder. Hallucinations may range from abstract shapes or colors to conversations with deceased loved ones.

Mom is right there.  This explains our assumptions of parkinsons, and this last week the hallucination delusions and confusion.

She is now on her starter pack of Aricept.

Then we went to the pain clinic.....

I will hold the Plavix for 7 days and then she will have epidural steriodal injections into her lower back. Hopefully 2 injections during June.  The CT Scan of her back showed a compresion fracture of L5.  If it gets to it, there is another procedure they can do to relieve the pain but that is way down the road and actually..... may never occur.

 

We sat in the car driving the other day and she asked, out of the blue, why doesnt God take me home?

 

 Our blessing??  Angel, mom's friend who use to live upstairs, came to visit on Sat and we had a long talk, a good one, she prayed with me as well as mom.  Her visit turned into 7 hours so I could get some sleep.

When I told Angel the newest news, she wrote back:

Well...my heart is both relieved and sickened at this diagnosis...first relieved because the strange conglomeration of symptoms have a name. After spending time with your mom, it was clear that she did NOT have MILD anything and that something was seriously wrong! In fact, Lewy Body actually popped into my head...but I thought 'well they would have diagnosed it if that is what it is'. ALso, in my experience with this dementia, it has a rapidly progressing course so she will probably get to Jesus sooner and not have to linger for years with dementia.

 

Sickened because this is a wicked form of dementia that I don't believe is deserving of your mom...or you. But one thing I do know is that God IS faithful and He loves you both  passionately. I will do my absolute best to be as physically supportive as I can but will be often lifting you both up in prayer.

 

Specifically mom needs God's intervention 1) easing the edge of the pain in her back and knees 2) the degenerating cognition, thought processing and hallucinations is halted (it will never improve at this point) by Aricept 3) God gives mom the desire of her heart, to go home.

 

To close I want to borrow the words of Matt Maher in "Hold Us Together" and slightly change them:

 

"God's love will hold us together
Make us a shelter to weather the storm
And I'll be my mother's keeper
So the whole world would know that we're not alone"

leaning in the loving arms

Sheri was helpful...she congratulated me on my dependence on my Shepherd,

I just cannot get to caught up in frustration and let mom's illness irritate me.

I told her it was like taking care of a 3 yr old.

We talked about the cruise....Chrissy is asking not to work like if she were getting paid my Advantage.  This is a working vacation for her or she doesnt go, cause of the money I have spent on her to go.
Then Elizabeth would go, mom 2, and that would be good for me.

Just help me Shepherd say the right words and expidate the rest of the passports.

Written a few days ago..............

Hello brothers and sisters,

 

Who would like to hear the lastest news, diagnoses, etc

in regards to your mothers?

 

your seeeeeester.

 

 Steve asked first 

I would. :)
 then Becky
I would like to be informed of mom's news and diagnosis. Thqnk you.
 then Don

We would,  we would!

 Big Brother

I am sure when Grace is ready she will ask

 

 

The last week has been pure hell and I have documented everything in the calender book I have.

To make it short and sweet...... after seeing Dr Schneider (neurologist) today...

Mom does NOT have mild vascular dementia... she has Lewy Body Dementia.  http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/lewy-body-dementia/DS00795

 

Lewy body dementia shares characteristics with both Alzheimer's disease and Parkinson's disease. Like Alzheimer's, it causes confusion. Like Parkinson's, it can result in rigid muscles, slowed movement and tremors.
But the most striking symptom of Lewy body dementia may be its visual hallucinations, which can be one of the first signs of the disorder. Hallucinations may range from abstract shapes or colors to conversations with deceased loved ones.

Mom is right there.  This explains our assumptions of parkinsons, and this last week the hallucination delusions and confusion.

She is now on her starter pack of Aricept.

 

I will hold the Plavix for 7 days and then she will have epidural steriodal injections into her lower back.  (we went to the pain clinci today)  Hopefully 2 injections during June.  The CT Scan of her back showed a compresion fracture of L5.  If it gets to it, there is another procedure they cando to relieve the pain but that is way down the road and actually..... may never occur.

 

We sat in the car driving today and she asked, out of the blue, why doesnt God take me home?

 

Between mom and Becky, this has been a tough week and God will never give me more than I can bear.  Angel, mom's friend who used to live upstairs, came to visit on Sat and we had a long talk, a good one, she prayed with me as well as mom.  Her visit turned into 7 hours so I could get some sleep.

 

  No one has responded.  I hope Becky gets this disease since we are all now at risk for it.

 

encouragement

oh, my sister...as I read, I thought of Mark Schultz's song I Have Been There because I have. My mom did not live with me but should have had 24 hr care that she adamately refused and I was on pins and needles never knowing WHAT I would find when I arrived.I had to place her in the Lord's hands daily sometimes and like you, pray for more grace. God WILL give you the strength for this journey and I will pray for a fresh breath of His Spirit to flow over you and a great spirit of discernment and provision for you AND your mom.

See you Saturday!

AnGeL

Continued prayers flow your way, and we do trust God, for His perfect timing and all that He has in our days, for
today, tomorrow and eternity.
I can only imagine the stresses and give thanks for Angel too.  What a blessing to have that input and insight.
And as to families, well, some get it and some don't, right?
We pray and love them anyway.
Keep me posted and I will keep on praying, as yes, The Holy Spirit does keep us connected.
Mary

 Ellois, I know the feeling of being a caregiver, been there and done that.  So many people would say to me." " The Lord will onlygive you what you can take"  I thought if I heard that one more time, I would  scream.   Each morning I would think ,"What will today bring, how many falls will there be etc."  To this day I will not say that phrase to anyone.  The Lord does give us strength and somehow we get through the day but hearing it all the time seemed lile irony  at times so I just can`t say it     But this "ANGEL" came at the right time for you and hopefully you can get some answers from your dr.      Hope this week will be better for you both.      LOve and blessings, Margaret

               Keep me posted


Yes, El Lois, I am and will be praying and counting on His Love and Care for you as you go thro' these days.
Oh my, so much and more and more Carl's way of going to Glory is seen as a blessing for him and for us.
Yet, we miss them so, don't we?
Praying for your Mom and you  and your help and family too,
Carl's Mary

Before I went into mom's I heard:

Sometimes you need to do it afraid.

God is not gonna make me do something He has not prepared me for.

Bring me to my knees Lord
I lay me down
Rid me of myself I belong to You
Lead me, lead me to the cross

GOD  I canot do this myself of my own grace and strength....I am sobbing for your help and I need it.
as I go in there take over me and do it for me...i give up i just cannot do it anymore




845pm................. You are a merciful kind Shepherd

Danni

I really loved Jordan Aire.....truly.
I bought him for Steve's family.

I just picked up Danni's ashes, and i truly believe I love her more.
She was my guard dog, my constant companion, my blessing no matter how depressed I was, patient, sympathetic and empathetic; she always wanted to be with me ~ at my side; I cherish that.

Yes I truly cherish my Danni.  You will be greatly missed girlfriend,

written Jan 3, never entered

I control my own feelings....
Other people's actions and words CANNOT controll my feelings.
I Choose how I respond/react.
Only I am the secret to MY happiness. NOT others.

Jan 2 I wrote a letter to my siblings, one not to be sent unless Sheri advised.  I have been instructed to share NOTHING with my siblings ~~ no feelings, no thoughts, nothing
For I am now understanding letters like the one I wrote do not make sense to them, they do not want to know my feelings and when I share them it only gives them more ammunition (my word).
I wrote:
Until you live it, breath it and are intimate with your own problem, others just have no understanding.

Mark came over and we spent time in intimate problem solving and it became painfully aware to me; that what we ONCE WERE, never seems to be forgotten, forgiven and is a thrown into the fire of a new problem so that the one having said problem is never quenched from the very ones who can forgive, forget and if not forget,then realize that every passing day, change is possible and motives are held in secret unless one asks.

Grace asked.

Yes my relationship with "God" has been weary and has been awesome; but only those who do not judge find comfort that God is powerful enough to do a good work in someone's life.

I have freely admitted my faults and failures, those I know about; but if someone else sees something and then dismisses time to sit down and tell someone their truth of what they see, what good is it to another? I see it as toilet paper trailing from underpanties and a skirt stuck up a crotch and no one bothers to help or take aside the offender and laugh, encourage and help fix offense.

Grace decided to take matters into her own hands and "fix" but instead it caused many a ripple on this side.

You see, because I thought Gracie understood the deep emotion coming from my soul, I sought her out. Instead it made hers worse. And overboard she went with trying to fix a problem which was not really there.

BUT, she did help me find the way to look for answers.
As this was all happening, a woman called and announced she was mom's Anthem BCBS case manager. I shared MY problem. I shared what I THOUGHT was mom's.

Then Gracie said BCBS paid for up to 8 hrs of "care." I brought that to the attention of mom's CM and asked was it true. I held my breath and fervently cried out to God that it was true. Several weeks later I learned that mom could have up to 8 hrs per day of ONLY certified nursing care, not companion care. Along with the CNA came an RN.

As I have openly said before but will say again, thank you Gracie for finding Advantage. An agency I knew nothing about and was NOT listed on the State registry, now is.

With all this stress the last month, mom has developed something very disheartening. She has had a few TIA's and will see her cardiologist Jan 4. This only occured because I dared boldly face the medical system and tell them to STOP focusing on mom's diabetes and demanded to see Dr Willard.

In process was the working of God. I see it clearly now.

As mom was developing this new problem, Pastor James and Elizabeth stepped in to help me, and then Margaret (RN case manager from Advantage) did as well.

Mom was slowly developing this new problem as HER stress and my stress levels increased. I asked Margaret for evening care for mom one day and the next day I had it. Our morning care is still being ironed out.

Yolanda has worked with adults all of her CNA career. I am a pediatric nurse. I have never stated I knew all about mom's diabetes (until July when we last saw Dr Willard) but I know about anything pertaining to cardiovascular, including TIA's.
Last night as we were eating, mom began; I asked Yolanda to watch her eat (literally play with her food, stuff her mouth full, look as if sleeping and have garbled erratic and strange speech) and she told me as I have suspected . . . mom has "sundowners syndrome." Please read http://sundownerfacts.com/sundowners-syndrome/

http://www.everydayhealth.com/alzheimers/alzheimers-progression.aspx

Mom does have all of stage 7 symptoms and quite a few other symptoms quite notably her memory of recor past events. As with Dad, I learned MORE about his childhood after the accident and mom is telling me more about her past and very little about recent as these memories are fading.

Don was here yesterday and saw another episode of mom flushing white, inability to walk or stand up well. It last about 1 hr. Her blood sugar and blood pressure were fine, but I did send a pacer transmission as she said she suddenly got dizzy
I will need to study up on early alzheimer's as I suggest all of you do in order to understand.

Many of you were very put out when I said it might be mom's last Christmas; I stand by that, as do others.

Because others here, including Don, are more closely associated and aware of mom's problems AND mine, I will update all of you but I will not ask for help. If I need your help with something specific, do NOT read into my request and if you cannot support me in that specific request, say so and I will seek out Pastor James.

I am going to ask that you no longer ask "who will make mom's decisions for her" and that you no longer call me/say of me that I am incapable of handling or dealing with any of mom's "life."

I am capable and if you need proof, I feel sorry for you, but I will provide it.

Mom's will and estate are her's and her choices and decisions alone. They will be shared with you on a need to know basis and I am being backed by mom and Pastor James.

Back to Gracie's straight out question ~~ if you cannot tell or know, that is the only way I know what is being said or asked for as I externally process my communication, I cannot read your minds as you internally process yours. As I met with Sheri week after week, the date grew closer to a group therapy session she was conducting. Finally I asked, may I join? It was in regards to "inner healing" based on Terry Wardle's testimony, experience and teaching. http://www.healingcare.org/

Part of mom's prayers have been answered.
Sincerely, ElLois

How much better to guard my heart instead of pouring it out in from of swine's feet.

Since I wrote this, I have found out that  Anthem needs a PA from the agency....
mom is diagnosed with mild vascular dementia

I am so frustrated with mom I could beat her as she beat me as a child and young person.  So inappropriate are my thoughts.

guotes

am trying to figure out where I should place all my quotes .................

~~ Helen Keller
True happiness is not attained through self gratification, but through fidelity to a worthy purpose.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Believe, when you are most unhappy, that there is something for you to do in the world. So long as you can sweeten another's pain, life is not in vain.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadows.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~Kahilil Gibean
Let the season of giving be mine and not my inheritors.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sometimes courage is just a tiny voice at the end of the day saying: "I will try again tomorrow".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

that certainly didn't hurt !!

I finally met John Harris yesterday.  I came out into the garage and there stood a skinny man with a bald head.
For alk that I have heard about him, gentle man and very kind.... I wonder if it is because he is too handsome that he doesn't have a gal be forward.  Mum E said he will be a bachelor for life. oh well . . . . . .

NEEDTOBREATHE - Something Beautiful
From the album The Outsiders

I feel the waves crashing on my feet
It's like I know where I need to be
I can't figure out
No, I can't figure out
Just how much air I will need to breathe When your wave crashes over me There's only one way to figure out Will you let me drown Will you let me drown

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire
Cause I just want
Something beautiful to touch me
I know that I'm in reach
I am down on my knees
And waiting for
Something beautiful

And the water is rising quick
And for years I was scared of it
We can't be sure when it will subside
So I won't leave your side
No I can't leave your side

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire
Cause I just want
Something beautiful to touch me
I know that I'm in reach
I am down on my knees
And waiting for
Something beautiful

even in the dark you can still the light

Matt Maher - Hold Us Together
From the album Alive Again
It don't have a job, don't pay your bills
Won't buy you a home in Beverly Hills
Won't fix your life in five easy steps
Ain't the law of the land or the government?
But it's all you need

And love will hold us together
Make us a shelter to weather the storm
And I'll be my brother's keeper
So the whole world would know that we're not alone

It's waiting for you knocking at your door
In the moment of truth when your heart hits the floor
And you're on your knees

And love will hold us together
Make us a shelter to weather the storm
And I'll be my brother's keeper
So the whole world would know that we're not alone

This is the first day of the rest of your life
This is the first day of the rest of your life
'Cause even in the dark you can still see the light
It's gonna be alright, it's gonna be alright

This is the first day of the rest of your life
This is the first day of the rest of your life
'Cause even in the dark you can still see the light
It's gonna be alright, it's gonna be alright

Love will hold us together
Make us a shelter to weather the storm
And I'll be my brother's keeper
So the whole world would know that we're not alone

NEEDTOBREATHE - Something Beautiful
From the album The Outsiders
I feel the waves crashing on my feet
It's like I know where I need to be
I can't figure out
No, I can't figure out
Just how much air I will need to breathe When your wave crashes over me There's only one way to figure out Will you let me drown Will you let me drown

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire
Cause I just want
Something beautiful to touch me
I know that I'm in reach
I am down on my knees
And waiting for
Something beautiful

And the water is rising quick
And for years I was scared of it
We can't be sure when it will subside
So I won't leave your side
No I can't leave your side

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire
Cause I just want
Something beautiful to touch me
I know that I'm in reach
I am down on my knees
And waiting for
Something beautiful

Matt Brouwer - I Shall Believe
From the album Unlearning

Come to me now
And lay Your hands over me
Will You find me tonight
Say it will be alright
And I will believe

Broken in two
And I know You're on to me
That I only come home
When I'm so all alone
But I do believe

(Chorus)
That not everything is gonna be
The way you think it ought to be
It seems like everytime I try and make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly You won't give up on me
And I shall believe
I shall believe

Open the door
And show me Your face tonight
I know it's true
No one heals me like You
And You hold the key

Never again will I turn away from You
I'm so heavy tonight
But Your love is alright
And I do believe

That not everything is gonna be
The way you think it ought to be
It seems like everytime I try and make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly You won't give up on me
And I shall believe
I shall believe

That not everything is gonna be
The way you think it ought to be
It seems like everytime I try and make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly You won't give up on me
And I shall believe
I shall believe

I shall believe
I shall believe

arms of my Shepherd

In the arms of my Shepherd...........
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

Matt Redman 

HOPE

HOPE !!

It is FAITH that gives me HOPE !

Once I CHOOSE HOPE anything is possible !

HOPE does not disappoint because the Love of God has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit that has been given to us....ME !!!!  Romans 5:5

thats what FAITH can do !!!

Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes and make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think it�s more than you can take
But you are stronger, stronger than you know
Don�t you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I�ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn�t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I�ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That�s what faith can do

It doesn�t matter what you�ve heard
Impossible is not a word
It�s just a reason for someone not to try
Everybody�s scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It�ll be alright
Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing

I�ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn�t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I�ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That�s what faith can do

Overcome the odds
You do have a chance
(That�s what faith can do)
When the world says you can�t
It�ll tell you that you can!

I�ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn�t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I�ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That�s what faith can do
That's what faith can do!
Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise

KUTLASS

Such incredibly powerful words to comfort my soul all morning......


Matthew West - Save A Place For Me
 

Don't be mad if I cry
It just hurts so bad sometimes
'Cause everyday it's sinking in
And I have to say goodbye all over again
You know I bet it feels good to have the weight of this world off your shoulders now
I'm dreaming of the day when I'm finally there with you

Save a place for me
Save a place for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon
Save a place for me
Save some grace for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon

I have asked the question why
But I guess the answer's for another time
So instead I'll pray with every tear
And be thankful for the time I had you here
And I wanna live my life just like you did
Make the most of my time just like you did
And I wanna make my home up in the sky
Just like you did
Oh, but until I get there
Until I get there

. . .only One can calm the storm inside our souls . . . You're Amazing !!!

Newsboys - In The Hands Of God


We have raised our hopes and our cities high
We have followed fragile dreams
But only One could take the measure of our goals
And we've stumbled over the trials of life
And we've wrestled the unseen
But only One can calm the storm inside our souls

In the hands of God we will fall
Rest for the restless, and the weary
Hope for the sinner
In the hands of God we stand tall
Hands that are mighty to deliver
Giving us freedom

When our strength gave way to the weight of guilt
'Til we strained for every breath
Only One could lift our shame and make us well
And when all is finished and we face
The fearsome power of death
Only One has overcome the gates of hell

You're amazing
You're amazing, You are
And we praise You, Lord
For what Your hands have done

To the one who's dreams are falling all apart
And all you're left with is a tired and broken heart
I can tell by your eyes you think your on your own
but you're not all alone

Have you heard of the One who can calm the raging seas
Give sight to the blind, pull the lame up to their feet
With a love so strong He'll never let you go
oh you're not alone

Chorus:
You will be safe in His arms
You will be safe in His arms
'Cause the hands that hold the world are holding your heart
This is the promise He made
He will be with You always
When everything is falling apart
You will be safe in His arms

Verse 2:
Did you know that the voice that brings the dead to life
Is the very same voice that calls you to rise
So hear Him now He's calling you home
You will never be alone

Bridge:
These are the hands that built the mountains
the hands that calm the seas
These are the arms that hold the heavens
they are holding you and me

These are hands that healed the leper
Pulled the lame up to their feet
These are the arms that were nailed to a cross
to break our chains and set us free

Phil Wickham, Safe

Danni died yesterday in my arms.

She played with that bichon and since then she has been dizzy, staggering, fainting . . . .
Monday she passed out 7 times and hadn't eaten in 3 days .

The Vet said she had mild vascular heart disease and had lots of life in her for being 13 yrs old.

She died of a broken heart, missing Jordan.

They were with me through the thick and the thin of depression. . . my constant companions and a reason to live.

Now they run and play together at Jesus feet.....I truly believe dogs to heaven.

It was difficult to lay on the sofa without Danni curling at my feet, or to sleep last night without her at my side.

Kutu, Nutcracker, Jordan, Danni.  You were always there for me and altho at times I was rough to live with, you were the best of friends, companions and always had unconditional love for me. Forever loved and always in my heart.

Maybe now Princess will become a cuddling old cat instead of a hidden withdrawn kitty.

totally frustrated.....then

MARK SCHULTZ 
Well, I know this life is filled with sorrow
And there are days when the pain just lasts and lasts
But I know there will come a day
When all our tears are washed away with a break in the clouds
His glory coming down and in that moment

Every knee shall bow, every tongue confess
That God is love and love has come for us all
Every heart set free, every one will see
That God is love and love has come for us all

For anybody who has ever lost a loved one
And you feel like you had to let go too soon
I know it hurts to say goodbye
But don't you know it's just a matter of time till the tears are gonna end
You'll see them once again and in that moment

Every knee shall bow, every tongue confess
That God is love and love has come for us all
Every heart set free, every one will see
That God is love and love has come for us all

Oh, and on that day we will stand amazed
At our Savior, God and King
Just to see the face of amazing grace
As our hearts rise up and sing

Glory, glory, hallelujah
Thank You for the cross
Singing glory, glory, hallelujah
Christ has paid the cost

Glory, glory, hallelujah
Thank You for the cross
Singing glory, glory
Christ has paid the cost

And every knee shall bow, every tongue confess
That God is love and love has come for us all
Every heart set free, every one will see
That God is love and love has come for us all

Love has come for us all
Love has come for us all

And every knee shall bow, every tongue confess
God is love and love has come for us all
Every heart set free, every one will see
God is love and love has come for us all

Every knee shall bow, every tongue confess
God is love and love has come for us all
Every heart set free, every one will see
God is love and love has come for us all

His eye is on the sparrow

I am so happy with my garden!!  In just one year of transplanting, tendering, weeding and thinning I have all I could ask for in just one year !!

 

What are they? Nasturtiums, lilies of the valley, lilacs, jonquils, daffodils, columbines, jack-in-the-pulpit (I transferred one bulb from the woods last spring and now have 4!), forget-me-nots, tulips, wood violets, wild geraniums, robins eggs, finches at the feeder, African daisy, pansies, bachelor buttons, alliums, irises...all in my garden.

 

The rain feeds my beautiful friends at night and the sunshine's gloriously on them during the day.

It seems as if each night the maple thrusts out bigger foliage to bring shade and hiding spaces for the new baby robins to feed and grow.

I sing because I’m happy,
I sing because I’m free,
For His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches me.

I hold on to the promise . . .

. . .  there is a reason

 

. . .  the night cannot keep me

from grace nor hope 

Let Me Be

Lord, You are the maker of my heart
the framer and reshaper of my soul
Master and creator, healer and sustainer
I will put my trust in You alone

 

Teach me to be faithful to confess
in this way my spirit will be blessed
though my sins are daily, You have love me greatly
removing them as far as east from west

 

Let me be open, let me be humble
let me find the joy of my salvation in your cross
let me be broken whenever I stumble
let me remember the great mercy of my God

 

And give me the full measure of Your grace
as it is reflected in the Word
faith and reassurance, mercy and endurance
carry these to those who haven't heard

 

So let me be open, let me be humble
let me find the joy of my salvation in Your cross
let me be broken whenever I stumble
let me remember the great mercy of my God

 

All I have needed is laid at Your table
all my achievements, I lay at your feet
alive in your spirit, I'm willing and able
You make my joy complete

 

Let me be open, let me be humble
let me find the joy of my salvation in Your cross
let me be broken whenever I stumble
let me remember the great mercy

 

make my joy complete

 

 Caedmons Call : Let Me Be                ~~Senseman, Aaron

Caedmon's Call: Before There Was Time (with lyrics)

Caedmon's Call - There Is A Reason

Caedmon's Call - The Emptiest Day

O spread the tidings ’round, wherever man is found,
Wherever human hearts and human woes abound;
Let ev’ry Christian tongue proclaim the joyful sound:
The Comforter has come!

The Comforter has come, the Comforter has come!
The Holy Ghost from Heav’n, the Father’s promise giv’n;
O spread the tidings ’round, wherever man is found—
The Comforter has come!
Comforter has come!

Lo, the great King of kings, with healing in His wings,
To ev’ry captive soul a full deliverance brings;
And through the vacant cells the song of triumph rings;
The Comforter has come!

The Comforter has come, the Comforter has come!
The Holy Ghost from Heav’n, the Father’s promise giv’n;
O spread the tidings ’round, wherever man is found—
The Comforter has come!

O boundless love divine! How shall this tongue of mine
To wond’ring mortals tell the matchless grace divine—
That I, a child of hell, should in His image shine!
The Comforter has come!

The Comforter has come, the Comforter has come!
The Holy Ghost from Heav’n, the Father’s promise giv’n;
O spread the tidings ’round, wherever man is found—
The Comforter has come!

Lyrics: Frank Bottome, 1890.   Composer: William Kirkpatrick.

I’ve been living out of sanity
I’ve been splitting hairs and blurring lines
I am a house that is divided
In my heart and in my mind

I use one hand to pull closer
The other to push you away
If I had two hands doing the same thing
Lifted high, lifted high

I have a broken disposition
I’m a liar who thirsts for the truth
And while I ache for faith to hold me
I need to feel the scars and see the proof

And if we just keep digging we can reach the foundation
Of our souls
And if we just keep cutting all the chains from our hearts
We’ll lose control

And it feels like giving in
It feels like starting over
It feels like waking up, and you know it’s coming
It feels like a brand new day
Open your eyes

I feel like this song today....with my soul and spirit in total turmoil.

...crashing, smashing........again and again
I don't seem to be able to focus on anthing particular cause everything is so blurred......
the things I need to do
the emails sent and waiting for responses
mom and her episodes which indicate decline
my own worsening heart and no one in which to tell and cry because I know I will go the way mom has.
So terrifying to me !!

Steve and Heidi

Only God has his plans for us and surely knows them !!

Sunday Steven went to church, Bapt in Howell, and he sat down only to open his bulletin and the message was about committment to marriage.  He said he cried through the service and into the pastors office for an hour.

He spent time with Heidi at Salem.  Amelia would NOT forgive him and stayed home on Monday.

When Steve called, he said that his committment is to his marriage not to Misty.  He is obeying God and I hope Heidi learns from this

There's no such thing as perfect people. No such thing as a perfect life so come as you are broken and scared. lift up your heart. and be amazed and be changed by a perfect God.

Steven called last night, he's had an affair for 4 months.  I am not surprised.  I so know what his pain is like and the questions he needs to find answers to.

Dearest Shepherd,
Please do not allow Amelia to feel abandoned by her dad.  He did not abandon her but his wife.  You know that I knew something was always wrong in their marriage bed, but Heidi will not follow your guidelines for marriage and yes, I do hate her for not loving her husband the way you planned marriage before the creation of mankind. She has always refused.  Steve laid out the reality of his situation and I was not at all surprised, I support him.  Heidi can beg all she wants, she needs first to realize she was wrong and make Biblical corrections.  How I wish I could sit down with her and tell her how to really love a man, her man.

I must not forget Misty and her beauty and ask that you will wrap your arms around her as well.
Speak to her husbands heart and soul.

Only you, my Shepherd will make this situation work out for YOUR glory, not the passions of imperfect but loving people.

Your little lamb who sits at your feet.



I won't pretend to know what you're thinking
I can't begin to know what you're going through
I won't deny the pain that you're feeling
But I'm gonna try and give a little hope to you

Just remember what I've told you
There's so much you're living for

[Chorus]
There's a light at the end of this tunnel
There's a light at the end of this tunnel
For you, for you
There's a light at the end of this tunnel
Shinin' bright at the end of this tunnel
For you, for you

So keep holdin' on

You've got your disappointments and sorrows
You ought to share the weight of that load with me
Then you will find that the light of tomorrow
It brings a new life for your eyes to see

So remember what I've told you
There's so much you're living for
[Chorus]
So keep holdin' on
Keep holding on

So remember what I've told you
There's so much you're living for
[Chorus] x2
There's a light at the end of this tunnel
For you, for you
Shinin' bright at the end of this tunnel
For you, for you
So keep holdin' on
Keep holding on
Keep holding on, now.

You've got your disappointments and sorrows
But I'm gonna try and give a little hope to you

I FEEL lost....somewhere between sunshine and responsibility.

Some where at twilight ... lost between night and day.

Will I find you waiting for me Shepherd?

hold me?  I just need to be hugged
for I want to bury my head deep inside your arms and cry......
hold my heart?
i feel it breaking
hold my hand?
i cannot walk alone

"Faith is taking the first step, even when you don't see the whole staircase."

So many things to think about today !!

Mary sent this awesome email....it is just what I needed Shepherd...thank you !!!!!!

"Life is not waiting for the storms to pass~~~~it's about learning to dance in the rain"   One Door Closes..Another Opens Revelations 3:8 When God leads you to the edge of the cliff, trust Him fully and let go, only 1 of 2 things will happen, either He'll catch you when you fall, or He'll teach you how to fly! 'The power of one sentence! God is going to shift things around for you today and let things work in your favor. If you believe, send it. If you don't believe, delete it. God closes doors no man can open & God opens doors no man can close...

When you reach the end of your rope You will find the hem of His garment.. When you reach the end of your rope You will find the hem of His garment..