Will be writing in my elephant poo diary (given to me by mum)  for the next bit...........................

Yesterday was a test of trust . . . I failed.
I received mail stating my surgery was denied by Medicaid.  When Heidi finally called me back, they had received the same and had provided proper documentation to the State and it was a go.

My trust for disability to YET come through is minimal.  My faithis long gone.  I am toying with getting an attorney.

I will need my phone and I have only $31 after Sunday, as if I tithed truly.  It wasnt begrudgingly, but like the widows mite.

And I have very little faith or trust that RBC will say yes about the $800 for my car.  They have been silent.

Am getting the mail.  Still nothing.

I do beieve in the power of my Shepherd.
Do I believe His Word that He will not abandon me? Yes
Provide for me?  I admit, sadly my faith is small or gone, for I have not.
Do I trust his Word?  In a theological sense, yes. In a practical sense?  No.

Why do I feel as if God has me in a desert and continues to test me like He did those years with Moses.  Only samll oasis's and on I go.  Just let me die if that is all I get.  Emotionally I cannot do this much longer.

I need Him like Lazurus did after he died.  Because I feel dead and abandoned.
I only go to my Shepherd for his warmth, for Him to hold me, cause I so need that right now..  His hug.

I am just bitten.

My faith is small or gone. . . . my hope lies only in the appeal process by my md's.

Yesterday I read a new version of Jer 29:11 ~~
"God's Word . . . I know what I am doing.  I have it all planned out - plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for" ~~  with it I had total faith in God to provide not only the $800 for my car, but also disability and my surgery was going forward.

Now I am stuck between a rockand hard place and I hear my Shepherd calling, "I am the same God I was yesterday.  Trust Me."

But how can I, I dont even know how anymore.  i am comfortable between a rock and hard place and my Shepherd knows it.

Please I need help and prayers.

I do not know where to turn for help . . .  I have $8 to my name, food stamps and a medicad plan that is not working for me.  And no site of disability in hand.

i feel too exhausted to cry, to pray;  i feel numb and want to remain numb.

How can I believe with certain that my desert experience will not be prolong until I finally decide in a week or 2 that I will take my own life?  Sparrows are better taken care of than I.


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I wrote this yesterday long hand and presented it to the offering plate.
I really am still numb.  Like I am just existing.  This is not the life planned for me.  To be numb and depressed when hope was, used to be around the corner.  I have left a message with the Stone's office manager and need to call Jim at Gups back.  What will I say from between my rock and hard place.

I know I have NOT been abandoned, but it feels like it in every single way... ok now the tears come.  I make poor judgements (Maybe writing back to Chris and Linda is wrong), dont know if what i want to do will harm me further or fix a problem and I wait . . . .  wait . . . .wait . . . . wait. . . .  on God.

When will he lead me OUT OF THIS DESERT?  Little oasis spots are uplifting and awesome but then the desert is still about and I must gone on.  No more tears.  I cant even seem to pray.  I can read but it seems like only words.  i am a brute beast before you God...Ps 73 When my heart was grieved and spirit embittered, I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before you.  yet I am always with you you hold my right hand.  You guide me with your counsel and afterward your will take me to Glory.  Whom have I in heaven or earth or hell but you?  The earth has nothing I desire besides you  My flesh and my heart may fail but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

I suppose those words, planted in my heart since nursing school give me some sense of peace.

It's dad's birthday today and the cemetary still has not called and said the urn is fixed.  I called her again last week.

Aug 16


what would i do with my 2 best friends..... Jesus, my Shepherd, Mary and then of course Sheri.

I went panic mode today and really accused the pharmacist of not doing her job.  So I took both bottles of levo in and showed her mistake to her and she finally realized what I had said is the truth and I am not a person who doesnt know their meds.  I feel pity for those who dont.

Got my abilify but no PA for cymbolta yet.  But did get some from Interconnections.

Mary and Sheri have been emaling with me these last days and it is such a calm in the so total aloneness and panic I create.

My Sheoherd heard my cry of desperation and allowed me to sleep for 2 hrs.

I will need Cheryl's help with kitty but only about twice.

I might need to take First Transit to the hospital thursday.  My loneliness is horrible but there are so many others in the same boat.  I feel as sorry for them as  do myself.

Stephy told Becky about my surgery . . . . I didnt want her too.  Said she might take me on thursday.  I really do not want her to.  Out of selfish reasons.  I really do NOT need her help if she isnt my sister.  And I dont mind at this point no one there after surgery.  Why should someone care.  if they dont care now, what gives them a right to later.   See all selfish reasons.

i read today that God have given me His full attention since the world began, when he formed me in the womb.  With this disability stuff, I do not feel like it but that is my lack of faith speaking as I told Sheri and my Shepherd today, I totally lack faith.  It's just gone.

It's mum's birthday today and I have been thinking about her all day.

On Sunday in church, i was impressed with the paryers and Pastor DeBurgh did say something in his sermon about praying.  

I know I do not pary as i aught or should.  It's a hard discipline.  I "pray" my journal and I pary throughout the day, but I do not have one concentrated prayer in the am.  many times Ifeel ledto kneel at my bedside but dont.

Spencer DeBurgh just called, stated just a simple letter to TEAM would suffice.  Didn't ask for details or probe.
Who to contact?  He doesnt even know the mission, so hasnt a clue.  But maybe/possibly contacting Jim (Couture) and asking him who might help.

Faith is allowing another ~God~ to do for us.

From yesterday's sermon.  I never understood faith, real faith, until yesterday.

When one says they have faith in someone, do they really?  I do in Mary.  I do in Sheri.  but not in Cheryl.

I guess I didnt have faith in my parents either and it scewed my vision of God as a kid.  i never did let that drop.  Mum had faith in me until the end.  She must have known the real me all along yet I resisted knowing the real her until the end.

AUGUST 12

I Sam 25: a story of argumentative words and foolish actions. both Nabal and David.

"There are troubleshooters and trouble makers; people whose goal is to advance the work of God as diplomats and peacmakers, and those who, by their argumentative words and foolish actions,
 promote discord and dissention."

I guess it is finally time to admit that argumentative and foolish was my responsiblity in Zimbabwe.  My actions were too foolish to overcome the positive arguments I wanted to impress upon others; actions speak louder than words.

I see all this clearly now, 23 yrs later.  But all this time and I still have not learned to stop being argumentative and have foolish actions.

Not as an excuse, but I think I became argumentative to be noticed, rather than a good little girl who always did what she was told.  I began foolish actions in order to please people that I cared about (that I thought I aught to care about) in order to gain their attention and favor.  But I laid my pearls before swine.

Dear Shepherd, i need your help now to stop this terrible cycle and at the age of 57 begin to stop being foolish and argumentative.  It doesnt matter how right I am, arguing is a foolish thing to do.  I do NOT want to cause dicord and dissention, esp dissention.  Causing it like I did in Zim became detrimental to not just all involved (I promoted it with CG), but to everyone, including the EC and TEAM.
I see this clearly now.

Even if someone had spoken to me in such specific words, I am not sure I would have heard it back then.  I think if those people who I stayed with in Chinhoyi had told me, i would/might have listened.  I didnt need time away, i needed a scolding (which i probably scoffed at), an eye opener and told this.  I needed not to be coddled but loved for who I was (which I felt in that family) but also accepted for what I thought; chatised for my foolishness and argumentative ways, forgiven and shown the straight and narrow.  I was so stiff-necked.

I cannot be more sorry, but God has now forgiven me and maybe it is time to make amends??  I cannot, from now on, beat myself up with guilt, as this is allowing Satan to take a hold, but move forward.

Dear Sheri,

I have just written this in my journal after reading I Sam 25.
What a bloody way to spend one's life.  but as long as i live, there is hope.  I have a Redeemer Shepherd.
I must forgive them as well for I felt like I was the one loosing....  song is just on in the background.  So appropriate.

My question, after all these years, do I reach out and make amends?  If so,  I have no idea with whom at TEAM, but I do know with whom at the Evangelical Church of Zimbabwe.  Should I share this with Pastor DeBurgh and ask him to help me facilitate this??  Is this something you might do??

Yes I am consumed by repentence and humiliation, but I feel I must do more than relish in the fact that my Shepherd has forgiven me.

Please help me to know what to do?

I had read this in a devotional by Ann Grahm Lotz a while ago and have kept it on my desktop file:
Forgiveness-An Act of Worship

["Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing. Give me grace to forgive them for I feel like the one loosing." (I had entered this song, as I do blame others before myself, but I see my responsiblity now.  I have felt like such a failure all these years, its been devastating to loose a dream and desire to serve my Lord, when it was me being argumentative and taking foolish actions promoting discord and dissention.)]

Luke 23:34, NIV
If Jesus forgave those who nailed Him to the Cross, and if God forgives you and me, how can you withhold your forgiveness from someone else? How can you withhold your forgiveness from yourself? If God says, "I forgive you," who are you to say, "Thank You, God, but I can't forgive myself"? Are your standards higher than His? Are you more righteous than He is? If God says, "I forgive you," then the only appropriate response is to say, "God, thank You. I don't deserve it, but I accept it. And to express my gratitude, I, in turn, forgive that person who has sinned against me."

We forgive others, not because they deserve it, but because He deserves it! The only reason we have to forgive is that He commands us to, and our obedience gives us opportunity to say to Him, "Thank You for forgiving me. I love You." Our forgiveness of others then becomes an act of worship that we would not enter into except for Who He is and for the overwhelming debt of love we owe Him.   AGL

AUGUST 11  645am
I went to get the mail and found something from the SSA.
I was disappointed as it was only my checks stub statements.
In despair I looked into the sky and there was God's promise . . . a vivid rainbow!
I dont know the meaning, other than the weather conditions were perfect, but that is the 3rd one in a month.  2 of which I needed and the 2nd was double as I asked for a double to assure me, He indeed knew and cared.
"Never again will I curse the ground because of man, even though every inclincation of his heart is evil from childhood.  And never again will I destroy all living creatures as I have done.  As long as the earth endures, seedtime and harvest, cold and heat, summer and winter, day and night will never cease."  Gen 8: 21-22

He cares about the condition of man first, the creastures of the earth (sparrow, raven, lillies) follow closely in his heart.  All prized possessions.

I feel vulnerable and frail this early am.
I was terribly busy yesterday and was almost nonstop from 830 till 5.  Traveling to and from...kufambafamba.
I felt like I could have eaten an army of men at 8pm, I was still hungry.  But am slowly losing weight, so am happy.

Cannot join Y for free, costs me $22.50 per month, not bad if I had reoccuring money.

Still waiting for an Elder to call me back.  i feel foolish for thinking $800 might come for my car, but that is Satan, as i do believe and trust my Shepherd.

Mary called yesterday, asking about my storage area and Bill and Luke would come and clear it for me, on Sunday.  Possibly.
I will know they are Christians by their love. . . . no one else!!  Not John nor Larry (esp) would volunteer to help...but Bill from Woodstock?  Maybe I should ask Don if he is willing to help.
It is a matter of unselfishness and their care that brings me to this point of sobbing.

I still do NOT know if I get disability, but I surely should have gotten it on the last medical reports.  My heart was very sick when I was taking care of mum.


I do not know why I am crying and cant keep it together.
Amyriad of things go through my mind . . .  Matt, Mark, Mary and Bill, Stephanie and I sob...sob about what is was and might come but have n oidea what this feeling is inside of me except some sort of dreadful // anticiaption.