AUGUST 12

I Sam 25: a story of argumentative words and foolish actions. both Nabal and David.

"There are troubleshooters and trouble makers; people whose goal is to advance the work of God as diplomats and peacmakers, and those who, by their argumentative words and foolish actions,
 promote discord and dissention."

I guess it is finally time to admit that argumentative and foolish was my responsiblity in Zimbabwe.  My actions were too foolish to overcome the positive arguments I wanted to impress upon others; actions speak louder than words.

I see all this clearly now, 23 yrs later.  But all this time and I still have not learned to stop being argumentative and have foolish actions.

Not as an excuse, but I think I became argumentative to be noticed, rather than a good little girl who always did what she was told.  I began foolish actions in order to please people that I cared about (that I thought I aught to care about) in order to gain their attention and favor.  But I laid my pearls before swine.

Dear Shepherd, i need your help now to stop this terrible cycle and at the age of 57 begin to stop being foolish and argumentative.  It doesnt matter how right I am, arguing is a foolish thing to do.  I do NOT want to cause dicord and dissention, esp dissention.  Causing it like I did in Zim became detrimental to not just all involved (I promoted it with CG), but to everyone, including the EC and TEAM.
I see this clearly now.

Even if someone had spoken to me in such specific words, I am not sure I would have heard it back then.  I think if those people who I stayed with in Chinhoyi had told me, i would/might have listened.  I didnt need time away, i needed a scolding (which i probably scoffed at), an eye opener and told this.  I needed not to be coddled but loved for who I was (which I felt in that family) but also accepted for what I thought; chatised for my foolishness and argumentative ways, forgiven and shown the straight and narrow.  I was so stiff-necked.

I cannot be more sorry, but God has now forgiven me and maybe it is time to make amends??  I cannot, from now on, beat myself up with guilt, as this is allowing Satan to take a hold, but move forward.

Dear Sheri,

I have just written this in my journal after reading I Sam 25.
What a bloody way to spend one's life.  but as long as i live, there is hope.  I have a Redeemer Shepherd.
I must forgive them as well for I felt like I was the one loosing....  song is just on in the background.  So appropriate.

My question, after all these years, do I reach out and make amends?  If so,  I have no idea with whom at TEAM, but I do know with whom at the Evangelical Church of Zimbabwe.  Should I share this with Pastor DeBurgh and ask him to help me facilitate this??  Is this something you might do??

Yes I am consumed by repentence and humiliation, but I feel I must do more than relish in the fact that my Shepherd has forgiven me.

Please help me to know what to do?

I had read this in a devotional by Ann Grahm Lotz a while ago and have kept it on my desktop file:
Forgiveness-An Act of Worship

["Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing. Give me grace to forgive them for I feel like the one loosing." (I had entered this song, as I do blame others before myself, but I see my responsiblity now.  I have felt like such a failure all these years, its been devastating to loose a dream and desire to serve my Lord, when it was me being argumentative and taking foolish actions promoting discord and dissention.)]

Luke 23:34, NIV
If Jesus forgave those who nailed Him to the Cross, and if God forgives you and me, how can you withhold your forgiveness from someone else? How can you withhold your forgiveness from yourself? If God says, "I forgive you," who are you to say, "Thank You, God, but I can't forgive myself"? Are your standards higher than His? Are you more righteous than He is? If God says, "I forgive you," then the only appropriate response is to say, "God, thank You. I don't deserve it, but I accept it. And to express my gratitude, I, in turn, forgive that person who has sinned against me."

We forgive others, not because they deserve it, but because He deserves it! The only reason we have to forgive is that He commands us to, and our obedience gives us opportunity to say to Him, "Thank You for forgiving me. I love You." Our forgiveness of others then becomes an act of worship that we would not enter into except for Who He is and for the overwhelming debt of love we owe Him.   AGL