I am just bitten.

My faith is small or gone. . . . my hope lies only in the appeal process by my md's.

Yesterday I read a new version of Jer 29:11 ~~
"God's Word . . . I know what I am doing.  I have it all planned out - plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for" ~~  with it I had total faith in God to provide not only the $800 for my car, but also disability and my surgery was going forward.

Now I am stuck between a rockand hard place and I hear my Shepherd calling, "I am the same God I was yesterday.  Trust Me."

But how can I, I dont even know how anymore.  i am comfortable between a rock and hard place and my Shepherd knows it.

Please I need help and prayers.

I do not know where to turn for help . . .  I have $8 to my name, food stamps and a medicad plan that is not working for me.  And no site of disability in hand.

i feel too exhausted to cry, to pray;  i feel numb and want to remain numb.

How can I believe with certain that my desert experience will not be prolong until I finally decide in a week or 2 that I will take my own life?  Sparrows are better taken care of than I.


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I wrote this yesterday long hand and presented it to the offering plate.
I really am still numb.  Like I am just existing.  This is not the life planned for me.  To be numb and depressed when hope was, used to be around the corner.  I have left a message with the Stone's office manager and need to call Jim at Gups back.  What will I say from between my rock and hard place.

I know I have NOT been abandoned, but it feels like it in every single way... ok now the tears come.  I make poor judgements (Maybe writing back to Chris and Linda is wrong), dont know if what i want to do will harm me further or fix a problem and I wait . . . .  wait . . . .wait . . . . wait. . . .  on God.

When will he lead me OUT OF THIS DESERT?  Little oasis spots are uplifting and awesome but then the desert is still about and I must gone on.  No more tears.  I cant even seem to pray.  I can read but it seems like only words.  i am a brute beast before you God...Ps 73 When my heart was grieved and spirit embittered, I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before you.  yet I am always with you you hold my right hand.  You guide me with your counsel and afterward your will take me to Glory.  Whom have I in heaven or earth or hell but you?  The earth has nothing I desire besides you  My flesh and my heart may fail but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

I suppose those words, planted in my heart since nursing school give me some sense of peace.

It's dad's birthday today and the cemetary still has not called and said the urn is fixed.  I called her again last week.