Yesterday was a test of trust . . . I failed.
I received mail stating my surgery was denied by Medicaid.  When Heidi finally called me back, they had received the same and had provided proper documentation to the State and it was a go.

My trust for disability to YET come through is minimal.  My faithis long gone.  I am toying with getting an attorney.

I will need my phone and I have only $31 after Sunday, as if I tithed truly.  It wasnt begrudgingly, but like the widows mite.

And I have very little faith or trust that RBC will say yes about the $800 for my car.  They have been silent.

Am getting the mail.  Still nothing.

I do beieve in the power of my Shepherd.
Do I believe His Word that He will not abandon me? Yes
Provide for me?  I admit, sadly my faith is small or gone, for I have not.
Do I trust his Word?  In a theological sense, yes. In a practical sense?  No.

Why do I feel as if God has me in a desert and continues to test me like He did those years with Moses.  Only samll oasis's and on I go.  Just let me die if that is all I get.  Emotionally I cannot do this much longer.

I need Him like Lazurus did after he died.  Because I feel dead and abandoned.
I only go to my Shepherd for his warmth, for Him to hold me, cause I so need that right now..  His hug.