some thots

instead of the judgment i deserve, God pursues me with a relentless grace.

he will make me bend but he wont let me break


Come to Me

bind my wandering heart to Thee

Keith Green

Keith Green wrote: 

"If someone writes a great story, people praise the author, not the pen. 

People don't say 'Oh what an incredible pen . . . where can I get a pen like this so I can write great stories?' 

Well I am just a pen in the hands of the Lord. He is the author. All praise should go to Him."

meeting the Shepherd

Such a beautiful place of isolated solitude to meet the 

Creator of the Universe, the gentle Shepherd…..

Feels Like Redemption

Steve, Papa and taking care of me.

I said before>>  "Ah Jesus this is so painful...communicating with Steve.... it brings back horrible feelings of rejection, abandonment and despair."

My gut feels knotted up, I am on the edge of panic . . . . I am scared  in regards to his next email....
terrified might be the better adjective.
Apparently its in regards to my email ...see 8/28 post.

I am also terrified that he will say something about my taxes . . . . if he were to ask what he could do to help.... I would sob, break down and ask him if he really wants to know !!!
For I would ask him to come here and help me do it.

But he is not that kind nor that loving....instead he will probably scold me and think that is "taking care of me."

I need him to deal with me the way dad would have and like Jesus, Yeshua does.
Dad would help me get down to business and do it with me...guiding me and directing me, patiently.
All the whole knowing I had learned my lesson.
I know about dad....things that maybe Steve never even thought about.

Dad has financial issues....tis why he could not ....well, he never did.... teach us financial responsibility.   As if cash grew on trees somewhere...or our taxes and financial matters would be automatically handled by some genie or guru in the sky.

Dad got overwhelmed and would side step because of being overwhelmed.   Just like I do.
Tis what he did in Africa.  He was overwhelmed by the field council and rather than following up, he let his feelings overwhelm him and did nothing.   He could have appealed, rather he allowed his fear, like me, just seize and overwhelm him.

And dad had difficulties with depression.... anger.....  denial.... withdrawal....
Like me he was an introvert ~~ intuitive, feeling, and perceiving personality.
He needed more than his "testy non nurturing wife" (mum, I am so sorry, but I can now say this in love knowing that this was your way to handle things, as opposed to dad) to believe in him.....
He needed someone to recognize the potential and strength in him and give him a damned chance.
CMC.... never could until the very time when he was finally given a second chance as a trustee.   Then things began to blossom, yet they (those "wicked defiled rememberers") always remembered Africa.

It didn't matter what had happened in the following years...once a failure, always a failure.
He seemed to live a life of repeated failures..... like me....but ALWAYS got up again .... like me.
Tis why Romans 5:1-5 was true of him......... and why I love the concept of H.O.P.E.

As long as there is a loving God, Yeshua our redemptive Shepherd and the Holy Spirit of all comfort....there is always hope because we are justified by faith not by our works.

Results of Justification

1Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2through whom also we have obtained our introduction by faith into this grace in which we stand; and we exult in hope of the glory of God. 3And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; 4and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; 5and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

is rejection God's way of saying no way??

So I asked Sheri

I found this on an "inspiration" tumblr......  Is this true???

I am confused about it.

and she replied....
ElLois,  In the context of a dating relationship, maybe.  But not in familial relationships. God would rather we hear Him say this person is not someone that is best for us, but if we don't hear Him, yes, He could cause a relationship to break up for our good and that will feel like rejection. He deals with us in the most tender way possible....Sheri

insurance on condo and update

Oh Jesus this is so painful...communicating with Steve.... it brings back horrible feelings of rejection, abandonment and despair.

Steve Betts	2:49 PM (57 minutes ago)
to me

Hi Lo.... 

I received a phone call today from the Farmers Insurance office in Racine.  They said that you wanted to cancel their policy to go with your own insurance company.  If your company can give you a cheaper rate - go for it!!  I only went with Farmers because our agent here in Michigan was helping me get it all figured out at the time.

Since the condo is owned  by the trust, I believe the insurance also needs to be in the name of the trust.  Also, the Association requires that certain things be included on the policy (I was not sure if you knew that). 

I will do whatever you need me to do to make the change.  If you would like me to call your insurance agent I can do that - just let me know.  Is your company a nationwide company??  If it is, maybe I could find an agent here in Michigan so that I can get the paperwork signed to get this changed.  If you want to do the paperwork and send it to me to sign, that is fine too.

Please let me know what you decide to do.   

Thanks -

ElLois Betts <ellois.b@gmail.com>	3:44 PM (3 minutes ago)
to Steve

Since Heidi has sent me both insurance "bills / statements,"  I figured it was your way of saying mum's Trust wasn't gonna pay for homeowners insurance anymore.  

So I called Farmer's and asked her what kind of coverage it was.... since I carry renter's insurance.  

She wasn't very willing to chat with me, but I finally got information on liability and deductable....  I do not have a deductable on renters and my liability is "only" $100.000 not the $500,000 of homeowners.

I know the Trust is to pay homeowners and I pay renters....but what am I gonna think if Heidi sent me 2 bills /statements"  ???  It just said to me, "crap on you Lo, you pay this."

What else was I supposed to think? 

Steve Betts	2:33 PM   8/29/13
to me

Lo...

After a lot of thought, I believe I came up with a reasonable but temporary solution to this issue.

Here is my thought pattern:

1. The condominium needs homeowners insurance per Washington Properties rules
2. Due to the fact the condo is in the Trust's name and you are technically "renting, without actually having to pay" the condo, you need to have renter's insurance for the inside contents of the condo.  This is also required by Farmer's insurance to have the owners insurance.
3. The Trust was established to protect mom's car, condo, and finances from having to go to probate court.  It was not designed to pay for the homeowner's insurance, property taxes or up-keep on the condo or mom's car.  Mom left us her money to cover those costs.
4. My relationship with you has been strand to say the least.  It is currently in a better position but it is still tender.
5. The current homeowner's policy is due to renew on September 4.  This gives us very little time to investigate other option--the whole process would be rushed and decisions would be made hastily.
6. In order to buy us some time to smooth out our relationship and better understand how to move forward in the future regarding the homeowner's insurance, I have paid to renew the current policy through Farmer's for another year out of the little money left in the Trust fund.
7. All you will need to do is continue your renter's insurance.

I hope that was clear.  Regarding your other email, I will answer you shortly.  Please be assured, I do care about you.

prompted to write Steve

I read a poem called Life on FB and God prompted me to use it to write Steve.....
as I re-wrote it some, WORN, by Tenth Ave North was playing . . . . .

So I wrote Steve:

ElLois Betts <ellois.b@gmail.com>	10:39 AM (18 minutes ago)
to Steve

You wrote:  Please accept my apology, it is truly heart-felt and from a humble heart.  I desire to restore our relationship.  If you do receive this email, please let me know--reply, call, or text.  I really want to talk with you and find out how you are doing.

I have been waiting, praying about this particular phrase you wrote, it seems so long ago..... and asking God what move shall/should I make, if any at this time.

Sometimes circumstances collide and I try to listen now...for even a gentle whisper from my Shepherd.....  

On a corner she laid

broken as she were

she wept;

crying tears she could not laugh

she stayed;

on the brink of insanity

she remained;

watching the days go by

she tried to understand

but…

nothing made sense,

at least not in this life

so she waited for the next.

If things were different,

and life was just a bit fair

she would have everything…

and without the need to dream

she would have

a huge house

as a place to live,

a beautiful bed

where she could sleep,

a cheerful family

to purge her fears,

and a perfectly carved coffin

if one day,

she ceased to exist.

But,

life is life

and fairness is not her trait

          ~~~~

so when I was down

and all my hope was gone

I looked to my Shepherd

He raised my head

I saw His face

He promised to never leave me

I began to believe

       

I cried out to my Shepherd

      ~~~~

I'm tired 

I'm worn 

My heart is heavy

From the work it takes to keep on breathing

I've made mistakes 

I've let my hope fail

My soul feels crushed

By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest

So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that's dead inside can be reborn

Cause I'm worn

I know I need 

To lift my eyes up

But I'm too weak

Life just won't let up

And I know that You can give me rest

So I cry out with all that I have left

And my prayers are wearing thin

I'm worn even before the day begins

I'm worn I've lost my will to fight

I'm worn so heaven come and flood my eyes 

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Over whelmed, over whelming.....but mostly I hope and I KNOW that my Shepherd is my refuge, a present help in trouble

and He has promised me over and over again with His Word:

"Do not let your heart be troubled.  Trust in Me"  

I am in a much better place but I dearly miss my brother...Have you seen him?  His name is Steve.

My grief now is for the loss of Princess.  She wandered away, out of the garden, one evening (Aug 7) about 9pm..... my neighbor across the field, beyond the wood said that the hawk dropped intestines and a tip of a black fur tail on his property......  I sob for the horrible way she must have died.

My days are so lonely without her.

Mary has offered her Lily to me.......  

Sept 5 I start a group session with Sheri, 8 weeks, and it is centered on inner healing focused on experiencing spiritual and emotional transformation through our relationship with Jesus.

We will be studying and learning from God's Word and 3 other books:  The Soul's Journey into God's Embrace; God Attachment; and Into Abba's Arms.

I look forward to this new growth with open arms.

Steve Betts <stevenbetts1031@gmail.com>	Jul 31
to me, ElLois

ElLois...

I tried calling you several times over the past few days, but I get a message that your phone is unreachable.  Possibly I have an old number or the wrong number all together.  So, I am attempting to email you instead--hopefully one of these email addresses is still active.

ElLois, I want to apologize for getting upset with/mad at you in February of last year and completely avoiding you for over a year. I have hurt you and I am wrong for doing that.  How I have been treating you is not right--it not how family members should treat each other.  I am sure you feel abandoned and neglected; a cast out.  That is so wrong on my part and I am very sorry for my actions.  I told mom, before she died, she didn't need to worry about you anymore and she could go home to be with dad; I would take care of you.  I have NOT been faithful to my words to mom and I desire to right that ship!

Please accept my apology, it is truly heart-felt and from a humble heart.  I desire to restore our relationship.  If you do receive this email, please let me know--reply, call, or text.  I really want to talk with you and find out how you are doing.

ElLois, deep down, I really do care a lot about you.  If it weren't for you, I would still be wetting the bed--remember sleeping on the living room floor with me to help me stop wetting the bed?  I have never forgot that!!!

I love you Lo.  I look forward to hearing from you.

I thought I had posted this letter from Steve...but I hadn't......
My most immediate response to him was....

ElLois Betts <ellois.b@gmail.com>	Jul 31
to Steve

Golly....I am sobbing.  

You probably have the wrong phone number as my phone was cut off and I had a pay as you go number.

Why come to me now??  Not that I am a refusing your apology.

You will need to gain my trust again, despite what you promised mum.

Yes, I do remember being there for you and I even remember scolding Don for neglecting you while I was at Moody.

Abandoned, rejected and dying alone have been the worst fears of my life.  I was not looking forward to dying alone, but yes I have felt taken to the trash heap long ago and buried over the last year, without an ounce of care. 

I sent it to Sheri and she responded:

sheri mccallister	Jul 31
to me

Wow!  What a heart change.  Your loving, tender Shepherd spoke to him on your behalf.  And he listened, that's the miracle.  I know Steven really, really hurt you, but you need to receive this from him.  That does not mean that your hurt doesn't get acknowledged and dealt with, it just means that you start repairing the rupture with him.  Accept his apology and ask him to hear you out, if that is what you need.  He seems to have seen the hurt and devastation that he has caused you.  Let this be the beginning of repairing his relationship with you.  Take small steps in that direction....Sheri

I then wrote Steve:
Oh darn, I somehow erased/deleted it.......

I wrote the entry on Aug 23.......

TRUST His presence

Early in Scripture God told His people "My presence will go with thee and I will give you rest."  Ex 33:14.....but like me, trusting that promise was very difficult under circumstances that fell in the way to test them...and me.

Num 35:34 they were instructed "Do not defile the land where you live and where I dwell, for I, the lord, dwell among you."
They defiled the land, just as I defile the temple of the Holy Spirit...fornication, procrastination, not keeping promises, grieving the Holy Spirit......  fear~ such a constant battle for e.... trust~ another battle based on fear, false "teaching" from satan.

In John 14 Jesus himself says "I will not leave you as orphans, I will come to you" and He did in the form of a Comforter....  "My Father will love him (ME) and we (Father and Son) will come to him (ME) and make our home with him (ME).

God the Father, Jesus the Son lives within me in the person of the Holy Spirit.  Jesus said in John 14 "I will ask the father and he will give you (ME) another Counselor to be with you (ME) forever - the Spirit of Truth."

That is indeed the VERY presence of God ~~ not with me, but IN me.!!!

So why can I not stand on this knowledge and trust His very presence.....I would think it is a learning curve/cycle/process . . . .  one that finds me conflicted in everyday life because I do NOT trust HIS PRESENCE IN ME.  Counselor, Comfortor... "the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the father will send in My name, will TEACH you all things and will REMIND you of everything I have said to you."

Steve.....

Dear Shepherd . . . .

please guide me in knowing what to do about Steve......

Cindy insinuated he did miss me.............

It sounds like Steve misses you.  And he is eating 'humble pie'. ( Not sure what all is in it, but I hear it is hard to eat.) 

Does he really???

I would soooooo love to hear from him.  

and while I am crying moved in my heart.....

Pleazzzzze send Princess home????   I miss her so much !!!!

God/Shepherd breathed productive morning

I am creaming along today...actually since 3am (started the oven to clean while talking to Chrissy at work... the burning smell alerted me to the fact I left and melted the teapot in the oven...ok start over ...  lol) ....
slept some more . . . .

Called CA about my meds..... cannot afford 3 months worth...takes my whole check !  They are a mail order like UHP.  So am not sure what to do.

Emailed Bev Streit with a grand response.....

Ohhh how fun! And yes, you are more than welcome to stay with us!!! YEAH!!!

....and I may pick your brain about digital photography! ... they say 'if you can teach someone, then you really know the subject."  :)     

This trip will be soooo much fun! I'm thrilled you'll be on the team. 

... and flying into an international airport that is now made of tents? it's a riot!!! The Kenyans are doing a great job!

Emailed Zach and Arezou with a grand response, going Oct 12>13, via megabus, even if I have to park overnight in Milwaukee......

We are so sorry to hear about Princess, we know how much she means to you and understand how difficult it is to lose anyone or anything so close to our hearts. Trust me, we've been there.

We would, of course, love for you to come down in October! It is a particularly busy month for us and, due to Zachary's schedule (he's booked work-wise until about the end of the year and that means working 6-7 days a week) and some events going on that month, it will be a little tight but we can do Saturday morning on the 12th to Sunday morning the 13th if that works for you. We wish it could be the whole weekend but we'll make sure to do that another time. Also, just as a heads-up, we don't have a guest room just an air mattress which can go in our living room. Would that be ok?

We are so excited to see you and can't wait to spend some time showing you around our wonderful city! We love you and hope you have a great weekend!

Emailed more with Cindy . . . .

Emailed Leobah again.....

am thinking of this bracelet for gifts.....

which I think is really cool with all the buttons I have.....

And as I am rejoicing with all these good things I hear Matthew West singing....

Hello, my name is child of the one true King
I've been saved, I've been changed,
And I have been set free
“Amazing Grace” is the song I sing
Hello, my name is child of the one true King

I am no longer defined
By all the wreckage behind
The one who makes all things new
Has proven it's true
Just take a look at my life

What love the Father has lavished upon us
That we should be called His children
I am a child of the one true King


And it is how my soul feels this morning....even if I do not get to the gym on this Friday afternoon.

Promises and faithfulness

I am, I suppose, speechless....milling all these things in my soul and spirit.

Self vs Christ consciousness ....

Wrestling with what aught to be placed at the foot of the cross immediately....

God is not a liar nor one to go back on His word.......but I "treat Him" as if I have never believed in His faithfulness , compassion, grace, mercy and His ability give to me His rest and peace- of mind and spirit. 

See hope journal. 

I believe an exercise of great worth, value and need is to keep a hand written journal of His promises to ME.  Very personal.  My promises from a loving Shepherd.  

Princess

I went looking for Priny again...over in the woods east of the condo's and posted about 4 houses and talked with 2 older men.  The man on his lawnmower says to me...  "I shouldn't tell you this..." he could see i was near crying but he says that there was a hawk that dumped animal remains in his yard...intestines and a tail, half the size of his baby finger, blackish fur.  He was sensitively kind when he told me.  I walked through the woods anyway...crying. Calling for Princess.

I will not shut my "screen" door...and I asked God for a sign....if the hawk ate her, please show me the hawk.  ???

I want to drink all day and shut off my feelings

Princess

Princess wondered off about 830pm Wednesday. It's been very cool at night with dew and Mary and I have looked for her. 

It's Friday am and no princess. As I was taking a last look at the garage last nite, I saw the grey and white stuffed cat Cindy have mum.  I took it to bed. 

I feel she lays unconscious somewhere, maybe dying alone. 

But I am still going to. Eg my Shepherd to bring home the lost kitty   She is all I have!!   Or that Yeshua brings me to find her. If she is in someone's home, she escapes. 

So my dearest Shepherd, once again, I will beg and plead with you today to keep her safe until she comes home. 

God's call, never understood absolutely or explained externally

I wrote to Bev:

Dearest Bev,  

Your loss has been on my heart.  

I know from experience, and from several close calls that finding a way out of the hell my heart and mind were in(at the time) that taking my own life seemed the only "logical" way out of my emotional dark hell hole.

It is a vortex that sucks in when standing too close to the edge and I have been there.

Getting to that point is a slow and deceptive journey....

I cry now as I write....  I was so "there" when I returned from Zimbabwe.  

I hug you and Barbie and your husbands in prayer... and all the lives who touched and were touched by Julie.

I was reading in O. Chambers devotional today and God simply told me to share it with you....  I hope it helps....

I hope you can open the attachment.

I felt compelled to write her, I believe directed by God when I read:

When I read Spurgeon:
God is always wise, and, knowing this (the believer) is confident that there can be no accidents, no mistakes; that nothing can occur which ought not to arise.

His method is sublime  (Of high spiritual, moral, or intellectual worth), His heart profoundly kind,
God is never before His time, and never is behind.


This is all a great comfort for me.....
Even if it was my will, vs God's, He has never been away from me and even in the journey, there were blessings, from HIM !!
Those times that I stood on the edge of the vortex, most recently when I holed myself up in the closet when my sisters tried to tell my dearest mum that the arrangement was NOT for her good... even in that circumstance, God was mysteriously doing what He wanted.

As I have failed time and time again to get my tax stuff prepared... His heart is profoundly kind and I MUST praise Him for His loving kindness..."For great is His love toward us, and the faithfulness of the LORD endures forever." Ps 117.
He knows my struggles, He understand how overwhelming it is but He calls me to do this...all of it... as quickly as possible.

I pray that SeniorsMeet gives me back my $71 as I did mark NO auto renewal.
This money must go for car insurance of $75.

I must do this rummage sale "right".... to be diligent in getting it arranged and be able to sell as much as I can....that He will draw the folk in.

I pray that arrangements for Zimbabwe be NOT financially overwhelming and I have the money.....  with some left to pay next years property taxes.

My Shepherd is a God of possibilities not dead end misery and overwhelming chaos.

Be with Bev and the families...my heart is tender toward them all today.

Thank you that my "date" with Gene was not degrading.

Please have someone get me the Sukuloa's and Manyika's addresses.  I really need to tell them first hand of my coming.  And Shepherd, I really want to visit Karanda.

Steven.  Continue to work your mysteriousness with / between him and I.

God hears, He cares, and He comes !!

08.03.13

He Hears, He Cares, He Comes Exodus 3:7-10 "'I have indeed seen the misery of my people in Egypt. I have heard them crying out because of their slave drivers, and I am concerned about their suffering. So I have come down to rescue them...'" (EXODUS 3:7-8)  There were long days of suffering; years of waiting. Those Israelite slaves surely experienced deep discouragement, honest questions about God's absence, and sincere wrestling to understand God's working. They must have understood the truth that Isaiah later expressed, direct from God: "'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,' declares the Lord. 'As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts'" (Isaiah 55:8-9). We may not understand God's working, and certainly not His timing! Many of us have known long years of waiting for a sign of hope in a dark situation. But we can rest assured that He does hear, He does care, and - at the right time - He does come. Our task is simply to cry out to Him in prayer, to trust Him to know what is best for our needs, and to rest in His great compassion. "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest" (Matthew11:28). INSIGHT "CAST ALL YOUR ANXIETY ON HIM BECAUSE HE CARES FOR YOU." (1 PETER 5:7)

i come to the garden alone

I guess this is how I feel when every morning I find myself swinging on the patio swing in front of my garden . . . . . .

I come to the garden alone
While the dew is still on the roses
And the voice I hear falling on my ear
The Son of God discloses.

Refrain

And He walks with me, and He talks with me,
And He tells me I am His own;
And the joy we share as we tarry there,
None other has ever known.

He speaks, and the sound of His voice,
Is so sweet the birds hush their singing,
And the melody that He gave to me
Within my heart is ringing.

Refrain

I’d stay in the garden with Him
Though the night around me be falling,
But He bids me go; through the voice of woe
His voice to me is calling.

Refrain