God's call, never understood absolutely or explained externally

I wrote to Bev:

Dearest Bev,  

Your loss has been on my heart.  

I know from experience, and from several close calls that finding a way out of the hell my heart and mind were in(at the time) that taking my own life seemed the only "logical" way out of my emotional dark hell hole.

It is a vortex that sucks in when standing too close to the edge and I have been there.

Getting to that point is a slow and deceptive journey....

I cry now as I write....  I was so "there" when I returned from Zimbabwe.  

I hug you and Barbie and your husbands in prayer... and all the lives who touched and were touched by Julie.

I was reading in O. Chambers devotional today and God simply told me to share it with you....  I hope it helps....

I hope you can open the attachment.

I felt compelled to write her, I believe directed by God when I read:

When I read Spurgeon:
God is always wise, and, knowing this (the believer) is confident that there can be no accidents, no mistakes; that nothing can occur which ought not to arise.

His method is sublime  (Of high spiritual, moral, or intellectual worth), His heart profoundly kind,
God is never before His time, and never is behind.


This is all a great comfort for me.....
Even if it was my will, vs God's, He has never been away from me and even in the journey, there were blessings, from HIM !!
Those times that I stood on the edge of the vortex, most recently when I holed myself up in the closet when my sisters tried to tell my dearest mum that the arrangement was NOT for her good... even in that circumstance, God was mysteriously doing what He wanted.

As I have failed time and time again to get my tax stuff prepared... His heart is profoundly kind and I MUST praise Him for His loving kindness..."For great is His love toward us, and the faithfulness of the LORD endures forever." Ps 117.
He knows my struggles, He understand how overwhelming it is but He calls me to do this...all of it... as quickly as possible.

I pray that SeniorsMeet gives me back my $71 as I did mark NO auto renewal.
This money must go for car insurance of $75.

I must do this rummage sale "right".... to be diligent in getting it arranged and be able to sell as much as I can....that He will draw the folk in.

I pray that arrangements for Zimbabwe be NOT financially overwhelming and I have the money.....  with some left to pay next years property taxes.

My Shepherd is a God of possibilities not dead end misery and overwhelming chaos.

Be with Bev and the families...my heart is tender toward them all today.

Thank you that my "date" with Gene was not degrading.

Please have someone get me the Sukuloa's and Manyika's addresses.  I really need to tell them first hand of my coming.  And Shepherd, I really want to visit Karanda.

Steven.  Continue to work your mysteriousness with / between him and I.