Steve, Papa and taking care of me.

I said before>>  "Ah Jesus this is so painful...communicating with Steve.... it brings back horrible feelings of rejection, abandonment and despair."

My gut feels knotted up, I am on the edge of panic . . . . I am scared  in regards to his next email....
terrified might be the better adjective.
Apparently its in regards to my email ...see 8/28 post.

I am also terrified that he will say something about my taxes . . . . if he were to ask what he could do to help.... I would sob, break down and ask him if he really wants to know !!!
For I would ask him to come here and help me do it.

But he is not that kind nor that loving....instead he will probably scold me and think that is "taking care of me."

I need him to deal with me the way dad would have and like Jesus, Yeshua does.
Dad would help me get down to business and do it with me...guiding me and directing me, patiently.
All the whole knowing I had learned my lesson.
I know about dad....things that maybe Steve never even thought about.

Dad has financial issues....tis why he could not ....well, he never did.... teach us financial responsibility.   As if cash grew on trees somewhere...or our taxes and financial matters would be automatically handled by some genie or guru in the sky.

Dad got overwhelmed and would side step because of being overwhelmed.   Just like I do.
Tis what he did in Africa.  He was overwhelmed by the field council and rather than following up, he let his feelings overwhelm him and did nothing.   He could have appealed, rather he allowed his fear, like me, just seize and overwhelm him.

And dad had difficulties with depression.... anger.....  denial.... withdrawal....
Like me he was an introvert ~~ intuitive, feeling, and perceiving personality.
He needed more than his "testy non nurturing wife" (mum, I am so sorry, but I can now say this in love knowing that this was your way to handle things, as opposed to dad) to believe in him.....
He needed someone to recognize the potential and strength in him and give him a damned chance.
CMC.... never could until the very time when he was finally given a second chance as a trustee.   Then things began to blossom, yet they (those "wicked defiled rememberers") always remembered Africa.

It didn't matter what had happened in the following years...once a failure, always a failure.
He seemed to live a life of repeated failures..... like me....but ALWAYS got up again .... like me.
Tis why Romans 5:1-5 was true of him......... and why I love the concept of H.O.P.E.

As long as there is a loving God, Yeshua our redemptive Shepherd and the Holy Spirit of all comfort....there is always hope because we are justified by faith not by our works.

Results of Justification

1Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2through whom also we have obtained our introduction by faith into this grace in which we stand; and we exult in hope of the glory of God. 3And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; 4and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; 5and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.