will need to edit this.....  but Sheri said something along the lines of God cannot stop giving and giving what we need.... he feels each emotion as we feel it, and does empathize perfectly

like when mum and dad could not give me what i needed, God can and I must know that from my heart and head

i am am to be IN God...being, its not about doing

still a dream, still a believer

I just felt your hand on my back when I left.................. on my other blog and started to cry

I AM WITH YOU LO

I need to say to you Shepherd....

Sometimes I just want to start over
'Cause everything looks like a wreck
And I need the courage to carry on
'Cause I can't see what's ahead

And there are places I've wished I could be
Battles I've wanted to win
Dreams that have slipped through my hands
I may never get back again

But I'd rather speak honestly
And wear a tattered heart on my sleeve
'Cause in the middle of my broken dreams
Redemption is here

And I'm still a dreamer, a believer
Oh, I lost my faith in so many things
But I STILL believe in YOU
'Cause You are the answer, the Redeemer

obedience and grace

obedience is how we want to in act in response to God's amazing grace.

undo me

I don’t really worship these day
I don’t really stand up to praise you with songs
Or prayers or actions
or with anything
I am full of all the right moves
I am full of all the right words
I am full of all the right religion
But it is all just illusion
I am really
Lonely
Lost
Calloused
Jaded
Cynical
Too religious
Too realistic
and well really just to lazy
to worship you anymore
I have lost my first love
I have lost the joy of your presence
But most of all I have lost the fear of your glory

Father I need to see you again
Like Isaiah I want to stand in awe of your glory
To fall down at your feet
To come face to face with your
Perfection,
Radiance,
Goodness,
Holiness,
Awesomeness
I want to stand before you and see you for who you are
and me for who I am
I want to be undone

I want to know me for who I really am
I want to see the depths of my heart
And know that you are the only way
You are the only truth
You are the only life
I want to see me and understand
What it really must have taken for you to
Love me
Care for me
See me
Speak to me
Want me
Communicate with me
Die for me
Die for me
Die for me

Lord, I want to stand in that place where all I can see is your glory
And my sin
Because in that place I can’t help but worship you.
Lord let me come undone
Undo my heart
Lord, undo my heart
break down these walls that I love so much
No, wait don’t,
I’m scared I don’t know if I can handle this
don’t
But I can’t live this way anymore
I can’t stand here in this half-life
this going through the motions life
this not really alive life
Father, I need you so come in and do what you must
Cut out the tumor on my heart
Break down the walls that I love
Lord let me come undone
Undo my heart
let me worship you again

*Blake Williams

Am venturing with Sheri into the land of guided prayer...to find my Shepherd.....

This prayer by Blake sums it all up.

She told me last week that she feels that she believes I will come to some point where I will not NEED Matt but need my Shepherd so much, all other things pale in comparison...

this excites yet saddens me because I so want Matt or someone much like him. Its like I have gone through so much in regards to men that I am not sure I will ever have redemption and find my one true love.

Please Jesus, my Saviour, my soul's redemption, please comfort me with the fact that I can have you and another.

Afraid to love
Something that could break
Could I move on
If you were torn away?
And I'm so close to what I can't control
I can't give you half my heart
And pray He makes you whole
(Chorus)
You're gonna have all of me
You're gonna have all of me
'Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me is where I'll start
I won't let sadness steal you from my arms
I won't let pain keep you from my heart
I'll trade the fear of all that I could lose
For every moment I share with you
Chorus
Heaven brought you to this moment, it's too wonderful to speak
You're worth all of me, you're worth all of me
So let me recklessly love you, even if I bleed
You're worth all of me, you're worth all of me

unanswered prayers

Why does God often seem slow to answer our prayers?
Most of us wrestle silently with the tension of unanswered prayer. We grow impatient with God and wish He would just "show up". To be honest, this is often the state of my own heart. Can you relate?
Each of our situations and stories are unique, but we can cling to these truths:
1. All unanswered prayers are merely "not-yet-answered prayers". In His way and on His timetable, God does answer the prayers of those who seek Him.
2. God is doing something for our greater good and His greater glory.
Today we must trust Him and wait patiently. Humanly speaking, this is an impossible task. We can only do this by returning to Jesus each day for the nourishment of our souls and the strengthening of our hearts. For the weary, He is the only place of rest ... the only "Haven" there is.

deafening silence

It's the deafening silence, the awareness that no one else is in the house with me...the cat follows me silently.  I would not know she were here if I did not have good eye sight. The lights are off, the heat not yet turned on and I feel wrapped intransparent blanket that wont hide my feelings.

The dark rooms have nothing speical to say and boost about....they have memories, each of them.  They are as quite as the air that just stands ready to be inhaled.

I have heard mum 3 times in the last 2 weeks .... she wakes me up summoning me to her side "Lois."
A weak, pleading voice, that is distinctly my loving mum needing some help...."I hurt" she use to say and I would rub hr legs gently until she said they felt better.  I repositioned her, changed her, got some vicadin, gave her some water..... anything to make her feel betttr.  Then tucked her in and gave her a hug and kiss.  Closed the door some and proceeded back to bed when all I wanted to do was go back and curl up beside her instead of neither of us sleeping or knowing she was listening to my medication induced sleep.

I have woken with dried tears in my eyes in the morning.  I have woke myself from dreams that haunt me adn the hell of nightmares.  I just want a night without dreams, nightmares, talking, screaming or crying.

It's not the alone part, its the lonely part.  The part without companionship, another person and  their  touch, voice, smell, doing something together that I so long for. 

I longfor love, not just my heavenly father but a man who was into me and could not think of going anywhere without me or who needed me to rub his soreness away, make sweet passionate lustful love knowing that i lust for his flesh as he does mine.

Its just the noise of the shower, the vent, the steps, the washing machine from upstairs that Ihear like a blanket of smoothering staleness over me.

For now thisis all of me and what I know.  My journal, my Bible the computer, my secret spot and holding my teddy bear as I go to sleep.....wanting so much more

I found these recently and they so fit here...............
Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out but to see who cares enough to break them down.
"We all have rooms we lock and daren't visit lest they bring pain."