I am on God's mind....always

You may understand how you are called Christ's bride and His child, but you don't feel like that at all. Please consider that the Lord will use even these longing of your heart and these broken parts of your life to bring you out of the shadows, to show you that the reflection is not clear right now but will be one day when you are face to face with Jesus.

What does the omniscience of Christ mean to me personally? It means I have always been on His mind. Think of it: The most important Man in the universe has always been thinking of me! Wonder of wonders! I have never been out of His thoughts! Even as He hung on the cross, He was thinking of me by name! Dying for me by name! And when He was raised from the dead on that first Easter Sunday, He was raised with me on His mind!

I can read God chose me....ME, just a nobody, but to Him a somebody.
And that in Him I live and in Him I serve . . . . as I was created to do because
I was predestined to be conformed to the likeness of Jesus Christ.

I sent Helen Balough a simple birthday gift, a card, because I think about her with MS
and during my pity parties, I have no right.  Helen needs my prayers during those times(as well as others) instead of me being all pitiful.

I wrote:
I think of you often Helen and pray that you are doing well.

A friend of mine has a neighbor who has MS and he has been sicker lately. . . .  tis when I pray for you the most......  

The Lord also brings you to mind other times as well.  Sometimes even when I am having a self pity party.  !!

I think it would be great to get together when I come down to see Mary Papke..   I will let you know next time i come down and spend a few days with her.

She wrote back:
Thanks Ellois, I would love to get together with you two!! Just give me a heads up.  I am feeling pretty good, but this is my notoriously bad portion of the year, but so far so good!  Are you still working?? I did drop off facebook, all the political stuff just got to me.  So dissapointed in this election, but thankful God is in control.  Have you read the book "The Harbinger"  You cannot put it down.  If you have a kindle i think I can share it, but someone will need to show me how...
I don't like that you are feeling sad..it does come in waves sometimes doesn't it?   It doesn't happen too often to me, but there are days where I just need to stay in bed and read and listen to music.  I give myself permission to do so sometimes.  Life is hard, I love the Laura Story song you quote at the bottom of this email. 
I have a little more billing to do before I turn in...so good to hear from you, thank you for remembering my birthday, you are incredibly thoughtful and kind ElLois.
Love, Helen 


I wanted to send her a card.......  I care about her and Kathy and Annemarie and others....but I was so preoccupied and self absorbed that I did not know how to reach out to them and I was actually afraid of their options of me.  I never seemed to fit any click and always felt like an outsider.
But when Helen wrote me and did all those things for me before the reunion...she saw I had grown up and I was open to everyone.  That tending to mum was more important than a trip to Chicago for a reunion.

Has anyone ever said to me you are incredibly thoughtful and kind.  I dont think anyone in my entire life has said those words to me.   I weep.

I cried, as I ran into my bed, held my sheep, pinched close my eyes as the tears streamed down, calling out to my Shepherd and in my view was a barn like this...just almost like this......

I am lonely my Shepherd....very lonely and really do not know how to take care of myself.
I cant figure it out and I need your help.

Start with a shower in the morning ...
Come find Me . . . . 
and we will do it together. 

I always have a hard time praying....just getting on my knees or climbing into my "warm" spot and praying .. .  its like He already knows !

BUT :
Perhaps you are thinking that we need not bother to pray then, if He knows everything already. Not so. Jesus instructed us to pray, not because He needs it, but because we do.  We pray because it is natural for us to talk to our husband friend! Conversation is one means by which relationships grow. God loves to hear us pray and as we pray, He meets us and gives us His strength, peace and wisdom. As we reflect on His Word and pray to Him, we receive everything we need for "life and godliness" (2 Peter 1:3). We cannot weary Him with our sincere prayers. He always has time for us and always answers in ways that do us good and bring glory to His name. 

John says in 5: 13-15
this is the confidence we have in approaching God ~~
IF we ask anything according to his will
     He hears us
IF we know that He hears us, whatever we ask
     we know that we have what we asked of Him.


I read yesterday:

A small circular smudge began mysteriously appearing on our fridge door every day. I would wipe it off, but each day it re-appeared. I finally discovered that my husband was using the fridge door as a vertical prayer mat, leaning his head against it while filling the kettle for our morning tea. I never wiped that smudge off again! It reminds me how blessed I am to have a husband who is faithful in prayer for me. 

The Bible tells us that the prayers of a righteous man are effective....


I KNOW Mary D and Sheri spend time in prayer for me and I am so blessed to have them in my life.
I would be nice to have a husband to share my time with to love and be loved and pray for me . .  but God has not chosen that path for me.  Makes me sad.  Maybe I should do as He asks of me, and ask.

I would like a man who says this:


I'm of course looking for a woman that loves Christ. Someone to go to church with every week. A special person to worship God with. Someone to hold hands with and pray with.
When the day is done that is our most important bond.

Cindy wrote

Steve called on Wednesday evening.  Sounded like he was on a 'fishing' expedition.  We usually don't hear from him much.  We sent an ecard for his birthday.

Wanted to know if we heard from you and what our plans were for Thanksgiving.  He mentioned that Becky was getting remarried and seemed surprised that Don already knew and wanted to know who told us.  He said that they were doing a turkey on the 'Weber' like last year for Thanksgiving and had friends coming over to eat with them.  Don didn't ask if they were going to Becky's wedding or on what day they were cooking the turkey and Steve didn't volunteer any information.  He did say that he and Ben were going back to Guatemala this year to help in rebuilding houses for widows.  Something to do with their church.  Steve said he was not on Facebook anymore because it took up too much of his time. 

That's all.

Have a Wonderful Thanksgiving!

I replied
Interesting Cindy,

My therapist says I should not EXPECT to hear from him.  He wont return my emails and has not spoken to me, via email, when he threatened me about not having money to pay assoc fees and taxes, but told me he'd already paid with "my share" of the money.   He told me he had discussed how to handle it with you and Becky and Grace and some friends at church.  So nothing at Christmas but a small gift, no note, no card, no email; and prior to Christmas, Sept when he came.  He said he was angry with me that he did not know if he could ever forgive me.

But his wife can forgive him from adultery for the second time; and for the 2nd time almost left her.hjjjjjjjjjjjjjj79  oops that was kitty walking across my key borad.

Yes,  it took me a long time and lots of therapy to get over the shit I did, and even forgive myself for hurting not just the Lord, but myself and everyone else.   I am still attempting to forgive him .... from his withdrawal, as well as Becky's and Grace's, they all have not forgiven me.    Everyone of us has some thing in our lives that is/was a secret, something shameful, something God disapproved off, something that they did not want to come out....

I do feel like the scape goat.  There is a song....let me find it, hold on....

I can't believe what she said...

I can't believe what he did
Don't they know it's wrong?
Don't they know it's wrong?
Maybe there's something I missed?
But how could they treat me like this?
It's wearing out my heart
The way they disregard

This is love
This is hate
We all have a choice to make

Oh, Father won't You forgive them
They don't know what they've been doing
Oh Father, give me grace to forgive them
Cause I feel like the one losing

It's only the dead that can live
But still I wrestle with this
To lose the pain that's mine
Seventy times seven times
Lord it doesn't feel right
For me to turn a blind eye
But I guess it's not that much
When I think of what You've done.

This is love
This is hate... 
We gotta a choice to make

Oh Father won't You forgive them
They don't know what they've been doin' (oh no)
Oh Father, give me grace to forgive them
Cause I feel like the one losing

Why do we think that our hate's going change their heart
We're up in arms over wars that don't need to be fought
But pride won't let us lay our weapons on the ground
We build our bridges up but but just to burn them down
We think our pain is own apologies and then it'll stop
But truth be told it doesn't matter if they're sorry or not
Freedom comes when we surrender to the sound...
Of mercy and Your grace
Father, send Your angels down

Oh Father wont you forgive them
They don't know what they've been doing
Oh Father, give me grace to forgive them
Cause I feel like the one losing
I feel like I've been losing

Oh Father give me grace to forgive them...
Cause I feel like the one losing

I continued

It took me a while and a phone call to KLOVE, but that's it.
I still feel like I am loosing, a failure for what I did and the way everyone treats me.  I have reached out and in despair I receive nothing.  Sheri told do not EXPECT anything and that it is the enemy making me want to feel as if I am a failure.

Stephy is the only one who has anything to do with me.  Sometimes I think it is just pity, but I need to stop that.
After dad died, the only hugs that even mattered to me were Steve's.  I miss them.  When I moved in here and mom and I had it rough for a while, we did begin to love and forgive and give and trust each other.  I am so SO blessed to have known her like no one else did.  She was a precious woman,  I see/saw what other people saw in her; how blind I was for years.  I judged instead of accepted; wanted her to love me on my terms, nurture me as her daughter on my terms.  She wasnt a nurturer to us kids, she nurtured others, I resented that.    Forgiving was hard, accepting came easy after that.  I still miss her so much and many times I ask God for a friend, like her, to take her place.  But no one can, she was my mum.  Her quirks were coping mechanisms just like each of us have our own.

I am sorry for pouring out my heart, but I want Steve to call me cuase he loves me and forgives me . . . . I am jealous, not angry,

I am sorry if you werent ready for all that.  It just came out.  I dont need to send this email, I could trash it,

I am working on myself and healing, still grieving, but its time to take care of me.  I took care of others for so long.  Each day it is a struggle to take a shower and get dressed.  If I dont think about it, sometimes I just do it.  Admitting I needed help outside myself was hard for me.  Still is.  I am so thiankful I have Sheri.  Her dad just died and they were real close, so I know the pain she is in.

I will have a good thanksgiving.  I am going to Mary's for a few days.  She insisted.
May you guys and I could do Christmas together . . . .  ????

I just hope she doesnt take me email the wrong way, but realizes how hard this is for me

LETTER FROM A MOTHER TO A DAUGHTER:

"My dear girl, the day you see I’m getting old, I ask you to please be patient, but most of all, try to understand what I’m going through.

If when we talk, I repeat the same thing a thousand times, don’

t interrupt to say: “You said the same thing a minute ago”... Just listen, please. Try to remember the times when you were little and I would read the same story night after night until you would fall asleep.

When I don’t want to take a bath, don’t be mad and don’t embarrass me. Remember when I had to run after you making excuses and trying to get you to take a shower when you were just a girl?

When you see how ignorant I am when it comes to new technology, give me the time to learn and don’t look at me that way... remember, honey, I patiently taught you how to do many things like eating appropriately, getting dressed, combing your hair and dealing with life’s issues every day... the day you see I’m getting old, I ask you to please be patient, but most of all, try to understand what I’m going through.

If I occasionally lose track of what we’re talking about, give me the time to remember, and if I can’t, don’t be nervous, impatient or arrogant. Just know in your heart that the most important thing for me is to be with you.

And when my old, tired legs don’t let me move as quickly as before, give me your hand the same way that I offered mine to you when you first walked.

When those days come, don’t feel sad... just be with me, and understand me while I get to the end of my life with love.

I’ll cherish and thank you for the gift of time and joy we shared. With a big smile and the huge love I’ve always had for you, I just want to say, I love you... my darling daughter."

- Unknown

We live in a world awash in love stories. Most of them are lies. They are not love stories at all-they are lust stories, sex-fantasy stories, and domination stories. From the cradle we are fed on lies about love.  Ah yes, is this not the truth.

This would be bad enough if it only messed up human relationships-man and woman, parent and child, friend and friend - but it also messes up God-relationships. The huge, mountainous reality of all existence is that God is love, that God loves the world. Each single detail of the real world that we face and deal with day after day is permeated by this love.  It's esp tough growing up when you have no example of a true love relationship with your dad or mom.

But when our minds and imaginations are crippled with lies about love, we have a hard time understanding this fundamental ingredient of daily living, "love," either as a noun or as a verb. And if the basic orienting phrase "God is love" is plastered over with cultural graffiti that obscure and deface the truth of the way the world is, we are not going to get very far in living well. We require true stories of love if we are to live truly.  or truly love, they way God wants.

Hosea is the prophet of love, but not love as we imagine or fantasize it.  He was a parable of God's love for his people lived out as God revealed and enacted it-a lived parable. It is an astonishing story: a prophet commanded to marry a common whore and have children with her. It is an even more astonishing message: 888 God loves us in just this way - goes after us at our worst, keeps after us until he gets us, and makes lovers of men and women who know nothing of real love. Once we absorb this story and the words that flow from it, we will know God far more accurately. 888 And we will be well on our way to being cured of all the sentimentalized, and neurotic distortions of love that incapacitate us from dealing with the God who loves us and loving the neighbors who don't love us.

~~ intro to Hosea in The Message

We, too, are prostitutes in a wedding dress. We are prostitutes in God's eyes, since spiritually we run after other "husbands," lusting for what idols offer us-fame, fun, money, or respect from the "in crowd."   A. . . a man who neither know nor loves God ~~ how can he surely know and love me??

. . . but only our husband Jesus truly purifies us, washing our hearts clean and clothing us in His white robe of perfection. "You were adorned with gold and silver, and your clothing was of fine linen and silk and embroidered cloth... You grew exceedingly beautiful and advanced to royalty" (Ezekiel 16:13). I need ONLY a love relationship with my God, Saviour, Redeemer, Shepherd.

. . . then I will marry you for good ~ forever.   I'll love you truly and proper, in love and tenderness.

Yes, I'll marry you and neither you leave you nor let you go.

You'll know me, God, for who I really am.

. . . I'll say to Nobody, "you are my dear Somebody,

and they say "You're my God."

~~ Hosea 2: 19-20, 23

Boy this is A LOT to take in and understand . . .