some thots

instead of the judgment i deserve, God pursues me with a relentless grace.

he will make me bend but he wont let me break


Come to Me

bind my wandering heart to Thee

Keith Green

Keith Green wrote: 

"If someone writes a great story, people praise the author, not the pen. 

People don't say 'Oh what an incredible pen . . . where can I get a pen like this so I can write great stories?' 

Well I am just a pen in the hands of the Lord. He is the author. All praise should go to Him."

meeting the Shepherd

Such a beautiful place of isolated solitude to meet the 

Creator of the Universe, the gentle Shepherd…..

Feels Like Redemption

Steve, Papa and taking care of me.

I said before>>  "Ah Jesus this is so painful...communicating with Steve.... it brings back horrible feelings of rejection, abandonment and despair."

My gut feels knotted up, I am on the edge of panic . . . . I am scared  in regards to his next email....
terrified might be the better adjective.
Apparently its in regards to my email ...see 8/28 post.

I am also terrified that he will say something about my taxes . . . . if he were to ask what he could do to help.... I would sob, break down and ask him if he really wants to know !!!
For I would ask him to come here and help me do it.

But he is not that kind nor that loving....instead he will probably scold me and think that is "taking care of me."

I need him to deal with me the way dad would have and like Jesus, Yeshua does.
Dad would help me get down to business and do it with me...guiding me and directing me, patiently.
All the whole knowing I had learned my lesson.
I know about dad....things that maybe Steve never even thought about.

Dad has financial issues....tis why he could not ....well, he never did.... teach us financial responsibility.   As if cash grew on trees somewhere...or our taxes and financial matters would be automatically handled by some genie or guru in the sky.

Dad got overwhelmed and would side step because of being overwhelmed.   Just like I do.
Tis what he did in Africa.  He was overwhelmed by the field council and rather than following up, he let his feelings overwhelm him and did nothing.   He could have appealed, rather he allowed his fear, like me, just seize and overwhelm him.

And dad had difficulties with depression.... anger.....  denial.... withdrawal....
Like me he was an introvert ~~ intuitive, feeling, and perceiving personality.
He needed more than his "testy non nurturing wife" (mum, I am so sorry, but I can now say this in love knowing that this was your way to handle things, as opposed to dad) to believe in him.....
He needed someone to recognize the potential and strength in him and give him a damned chance.
CMC.... never could until the very time when he was finally given a second chance as a trustee.   Then things began to blossom, yet they (those "wicked defiled rememberers") always remembered Africa.

It didn't matter what had happened in the following years...once a failure, always a failure.
He seemed to live a life of repeated failures..... like me....but ALWAYS got up again .... like me.
Tis why Romans 5:1-5 was true of him......... and why I love the concept of H.O.P.E.

As long as there is a loving God, Yeshua our redemptive Shepherd and the Holy Spirit of all comfort....there is always hope because we are justified by faith not by our works.

Results of Justification

1Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2through whom also we have obtained our introduction by faith into this grace in which we stand; and we exult in hope of the glory of God. 3And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; 4and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; 5and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

is rejection God's way of saying no way??

So I asked Sheri

I found this on an "inspiration" tumblr......  Is this true???

I am confused about it.

and she replied....
ElLois,  In the context of a dating relationship, maybe.  But not in familial relationships. God would rather we hear Him say this person is not someone that is best for us, but if we don't hear Him, yes, He could cause a relationship to break up for our good and that will feel like rejection. He deals with us in the most tender way possible....Sheri

insurance on condo and update

Oh Jesus this is so painful...communicating with Steve.... it brings back horrible feelings of rejection, abandonment and despair.

Steve Betts	2:49 PM (57 minutes ago)
to me

Hi Lo.... 

I received a phone call today from the Farmers Insurance office in Racine.  They said that you wanted to cancel their policy to go with your own insurance company.  If your company can give you a cheaper rate - go for it!!  I only went with Farmers because our agent here in Michigan was helping me get it all figured out at the time.

Since the condo is owned  by the trust, I believe the insurance also needs to be in the name of the trust.  Also, the Association requires that certain things be included on the policy (I was not sure if you knew that). 

I will do whatever you need me to do to make the change.  If you would like me to call your insurance agent I can do that - just let me know.  Is your company a nationwide company??  If it is, maybe I could find an agent here in Michigan so that I can get the paperwork signed to get this changed.  If you want to do the paperwork and send it to me to sign, that is fine too.

Please let me know what you decide to do.   

Thanks -

ElLois Betts <ellois.b@gmail.com>	3:44 PM (3 minutes ago)
to Steve

Since Heidi has sent me both insurance "bills / statements,"  I figured it was your way of saying mum's Trust wasn't gonna pay for homeowners insurance anymore.  

So I called Farmer's and asked her what kind of coverage it was.... since I carry renter's insurance.  

She wasn't very willing to chat with me, but I finally got information on liability and deductable....  I do not have a deductable on renters and my liability is "only" $100.000 not the $500,000 of homeowners.

I know the Trust is to pay homeowners and I pay renters....but what am I gonna think if Heidi sent me 2 bills /statements"  ???  It just said to me, "crap on you Lo, you pay this."

What else was I supposed to think? 

Steve Betts	2:33 PM   8/29/13
to me

Lo...

After a lot of thought, I believe I came up with a reasonable but temporary solution to this issue.

Here is my thought pattern:

1. The condominium needs homeowners insurance per Washington Properties rules
2. Due to the fact the condo is in the Trust's name and you are technically "renting, without actually having to pay" the condo, you need to have renter's insurance for the inside contents of the condo.  This is also required by Farmer's insurance to have the owners insurance.
3. The Trust was established to protect mom's car, condo, and finances from having to go to probate court.  It was not designed to pay for the homeowner's insurance, property taxes or up-keep on the condo or mom's car.  Mom left us her money to cover those costs.
4. My relationship with you has been strand to say the least.  It is currently in a better position but it is still tender.
5. The current homeowner's policy is due to renew on September 4.  This gives us very little time to investigate other option--the whole process would be rushed and decisions would be made hastily.
6. In order to buy us some time to smooth out our relationship and better understand how to move forward in the future regarding the homeowner's insurance, I have paid to renew the current policy through Farmer's for another year out of the little money left in the Trust fund.
7. All you will need to do is continue your renter's insurance.

I hope that was clear.  Regarding your other email, I will answer you shortly.  Please be assured, I do care about you.