The Love of God [Live]

I will lift up my eyes...Bebo Norman

Oh Jesus, Yeshua....

My heart is busting.... I "feel" so penniless and insecure cause all my money is gone.

Just paid another $700 minus $3 for the trip...thought it was gonna be $672.
I know Verona is trying to help me and for that I appreciate Your goodness for laying that upon her heart.

I wrote an "evil"...so it seems to MrJJohnson this morning but I felt like it really came from You....
I wrote:
"I am going to surprise you...maybe... with my assertiveness.

Your view of woman in general might be very accurate, I don't know.

Your view of me, throwing me in with all the rest of your generalizations of women, is not appreciated, nor does it please the Lord.

I am not like your other woman fans, your ex nor am I like anyone else.

I am a learning and growing woman with fairly high morals and values, low tolerance for ambivelant Christians or for Christians who judge others based on nonBiblical standards that they assume are Biblical.
I try and tackle my sin of fornication, always, and I find people who say they are believers in Jesus but have no Biblical values a pain in the side of other Christians.  This does not honor our Lord in any way.

I have chatted with several men on CM, who like you, say they are committed Christians yet they do not want a relationship with a woman of value nor do they find me within the category of really a Biblical Christian woman because I am on this site and because I have an erotic tumblr.

Presently I am fighting a battle with satan in regrds to my weight, my faith that my Father wants to provide finances for my trip, my relationship with my Shepherd and I am attempting to secure for myself a "God attachment" that is much healthier than I have had in the past.  The Father who so loved us . . . so loved us . . .  gave His only Son on our behalf to redeem us from the junk of our lives so that we do not have to live in the wallow of the poor attachments we have made relationally with our parents, siblings, partners, friends and those with whom we work.  We can, with the ability of the Holy Spirit and the fact that Jesus does understand, truly understands, our struggles, mature into more than we have ever hoped to become. . . . .  IF we are willing to do the work and be in fellowship and truly desire our Lord to tenderly love us and reprove us and give us the desires of our hearts.  But it takes work, prayerful and powerful work against the enemy who does NOT want us to be drawn into our Lord's embrace and wants us to stay stuck in the mire of our casual faith in Jesus.

I guess I am done.....   I am sorry if this took you by surprise....it did me when I sat down here and the Lord wanted me to say something."

I listened to Bebo Norman as I got into my car last night....

God, my God, I cry out 
Your beloved needs you now 
God be near, calm my fear 
And take my doubt 

Your kindness is what pulls me up 
Your love is all that draws me in 

I will lift my eyes to the Maker 
Of the mountains I can't climb 
I will lift my eyes to the Calmer 
Of the oceans raging wild 
I will lift my eyes to the Healer 
Of the hurt I hold inside 
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You 

God, my God, let Mercy sing 
Her melody over me 
God, right here all I bring 
Is all of me 

Your kindness is what pulls me up 
Your love is all that draws me in 

‘Cause You are and You were and You will be forever 
The Lover I need to save me 
‘Cause You fashioned the earth and You hold it together, God 
So hold me now

 ~~ I will Lift My Eyes, Bebo Norman


I am tired, down and need to hear that song.....  cause I just do not know what else to do.

Leave the broken, irreversible past in God's hands, and step out into the invincible future with Him.
-Oswald Chambers

This fits so well with the chapter I read in GOD ATTACHMENT by Dr's Clinton and Straub..."no matter how defective or deficient our backgrounds are, God can transform us from the inside out."

And only You, the Son of man
Can take a leper and let him stand
So lift your hands, they can be held
By someone greater, the Great I Am

Healing rain, it comes with fire
So let it fall and take us higher
Healing rain, I'm not afraid
To be washed in Heaven's rain

Ps28:9

1 UNTO YOU do I cry, O Lord my Rock, be not deaf and silent to me, lest, if You be silent to me, I become like those going down to the pit [the grave].

2 Hear the voice of my supplication as I cry to You for help, as I lift up my hands toward Your innermost sanctuary (the Holy of Holies).

6 Blessed be the Lord, because He has heard the voice of my supplications.

7 The Lord is my Strength and my [impenetrable] Shield; my heart trusts in, relies on, and confidently leans on Him, and I am helped; therefore my heart greatly rejoices, and with my song will I praise Him.

8 The Lord is my [unyielding] Strength, and He is the Stronghold of salvation to [me] His anointed.

9 Save me and bless me, Your heritage; nourish and shepherd me and carry me forever.

where there is faith ~~~ 4Him

WHERE THERE IS FAITH 

I believe in faithfulness
I believe in giving of myself for someone else
I believe in peace and love
I believe in honesty and trust but it's not enough
For all that I believe may never change the way it is
Unless I believe Jesus lives

(chorus)
Where there is faith
There is a voice calling, keep walking
You're not alone in this world
Where there is faith
There is a peace like a child sleeping
Hope everlasting in He who is able to
Bear every Burden, to heal every hurt in my heart
It is a wonderful, powerful place
Where there is faith

There's a man across the sea
Never heard the sound of freedom ring
Only in his dreams
There's a lady dressed in black
In a motorcade of cadillacs
Daddy's not coming back
Our hearts begin to fall
And our stability grows weak
But Jesus meets our needs if we only believe

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iE0Dh-cogcU

grace

We are free to fail because there’s an ocean of grace that we fall into.

Eph 3:20, Ps 37:4, Phil 4:19

ThaNK  you soooo much for the verses.....  I have read them and have found them also to be of great importance to me in another matter I am struggling with.  I have been seeing a therapist weekly for many years up until I could no longer afford the $60/week.... about a year ago.  But Sheri has always taken the time to email with me on different issues.  

While taking care of mum, I joined an 8 wk group session with her using Terry Wardle's books

Wounded: How to Find Wholeness and Inner Healing in Christ 

Draw Close To The Fire: Finding God in the Darkness 

and it was an amazing spiritual journey for me. 

Sheri, approached me with a new group she is having for 8 weeks.  She stated that God directly asked her to ask me to join.  It will be on inner healing focused on experiencing spiritual and emotional transformation through a relationship with Christ.

I have been reading in Wardle's book THE SOUL'S JOURNEY INTO GOD'S EMBRACE and it is a challenge.  My soul and spirit are crushed by the words and thoughts I have read so far and I KNOW I need this.   But I cannot do it on my own, the book points out.  It is God that draws us by His grace. 

The other book I have read (the required pages) is called GOD ATTACHMENT by Clinton and Straub.

The style of writing/reading is very different in each book.  I continue to read through Wardle's book and with each page I turn, I seem to grieve and also rejoice.... that my soul's journey can end in His embrace.

There are issues I struggle with.  

I believe this is why God directed Sheri to invite me to this small group.

So you see, the verses you sent to me were what I needed to read, be reminded of, but also for this group experience. I want to say thank you for praying those specific verses on my half.  

The group session starts on Thursday.

I grieve...I must find purpose in journeying into His embrace

I miss my mum...she was my mother, my friend, my companion....she unconditionally loved me despite so many of my selfish acts....

I had purpose, she was my purpose....I loved having a purpose, to matter in the life of another....

I have been trying to find purpose in a man, a dominant man who will take control like I have always dreamed of in those strange dreams....i remember being angry at Shoshi and begging him to just stop me by hold me tight....  he was too weak and my need for a strength greater than my own will was not forthcoming.

i have to now grieve the fact that I might never have a man who wants and loves me for just me and all my conflicted and complicated mess.

My purpose MUST  be in pursuing God...a leaning into Him...my soul's  journey into His embrace....

I must find purpose in journeying into His embrace....NOT in finding more rejection from a man I think should need me and I him.

I beg You to draw me..... please draw me to Yourself...because i cant do it.... only Your love and grace can really draw me, I have no power to do it.  I am nothing just a sinner saved by grace trying to live life .... as reckless as it as been.

I am tired
I am weak
I am worn
I want to give up
I know part of my "process" right now is not enough medicine, but You know I cannot afford it any more..... You must make it ~me~ better or supply my meds.

I've made mistakes
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn.

MY souls journey

a journey to be embraced totally by my Father....

a soul's journey into God's embrace...................

I am afraid....I am terrified that I will not get what I have so longed for and it doesnt seem to be coming on my own power...and it never came in God's power.....  there is always something wrong with me as to why no one loves me....

I feel unloveable and make myself that way because I am so fucking scared to be truly loved by another....

I feel as if this is my ONLY chance in life to be sincerely happy is to journey into the arms of my Shepherd and put EVERYTHING else behind me and never have the love of a man.....

I am scared.....   I know what it means.... forsaking all things....

I am at a point in my life right now where I do find myself looking into the core of me and am needing answers that only God's plan for me can give.  I have said if I am to walk alone, I will not be scared of it, but you see, I really am scared.  And that is NOT a burden I wish to put on any man.
I want a man to freely take me and love me and really want me.  I am a sweet yet complicated woman ...  I adore certain aspects of sexual D/s and I adore serving, helping, doing...submission and surrender is in my nature, I just must wait upon God to give me His One for me..............

THAT IS MY SOUL'S JOURNEY.

I've made mistakes 
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn.

I wont settle

What do I look like?
What do You see?
What are the dreams that You are dreaming about me?
Visions of glory, I'm starting to see....
Lord, let the things You've dreamed become reality.

What do I look like?
What do You see?
What are the thinkgs that You are calling out to me?
The light of Your kingdom is burning in me...
Lord, let the things You've seen become reality.

I wont settle
I wont settle for anything less
I will hold on
I will hold on for greater things

Mark me as Yours, set me apart
I want everything, All that You are

some thots

instead of the judgment i deserve, God pursues me with a relentless grace.

he will make me bend but he wont let me break


Come to Me

bind my wandering heart to Thee

Keith Green

Keith Green wrote: 

"If someone writes a great story, people praise the author, not the pen. 

People don't say 'Oh what an incredible pen . . . where can I get a pen like this so I can write great stories?' 

Well I am just a pen in the hands of the Lord. He is the author. All praise should go to Him."

meeting the Shepherd

Such a beautiful place of isolated solitude to meet the 

Creator of the Universe, the gentle Shepherd…..

Feels Like Redemption

Steve, Papa and taking care of me.

I said before>>  "Ah Jesus this is so painful...communicating with Steve.... it brings back horrible feelings of rejection, abandonment and despair."

My gut feels knotted up, I am on the edge of panic . . . . I am scared  in regards to his next email....
terrified might be the better adjective.
Apparently its in regards to my email ...see 8/28 post.

I am also terrified that he will say something about my taxes . . . . if he were to ask what he could do to help.... I would sob, break down and ask him if he really wants to know !!!
For I would ask him to come here and help me do it.

But he is not that kind nor that loving....instead he will probably scold me and think that is "taking care of me."

I need him to deal with me the way dad would have and like Jesus, Yeshua does.
Dad would help me get down to business and do it with me...guiding me and directing me, patiently.
All the whole knowing I had learned my lesson.
I know about dad....things that maybe Steve never even thought about.

Dad has financial issues....tis why he could not ....well, he never did.... teach us financial responsibility.   As if cash grew on trees somewhere...or our taxes and financial matters would be automatically handled by some genie or guru in the sky.

Dad got overwhelmed and would side step because of being overwhelmed.   Just like I do.
Tis what he did in Africa.  He was overwhelmed by the field council and rather than following up, he let his feelings overwhelm him and did nothing.   He could have appealed, rather he allowed his fear, like me, just seize and overwhelm him.

And dad had difficulties with depression.... anger.....  denial.... withdrawal....
Like me he was an introvert ~~ intuitive, feeling, and perceiving personality.
He needed more than his "testy non nurturing wife" (mum, I am so sorry, but I can now say this in love knowing that this was your way to handle things, as opposed to dad) to believe in him.....
He needed someone to recognize the potential and strength in him and give him a damned chance.
CMC.... never could until the very time when he was finally given a second chance as a trustee.   Then things began to blossom, yet they (those "wicked defiled rememberers") always remembered Africa.

It didn't matter what had happened in the following years...once a failure, always a failure.
He seemed to live a life of repeated failures..... like me....but ALWAYS got up again .... like me.
Tis why Romans 5:1-5 was true of him......... and why I love the concept of H.O.P.E.

As long as there is a loving God, Yeshua our redemptive Shepherd and the Holy Spirit of all comfort....there is always hope because we are justified by faith not by our works.

Results of Justification

1Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2through whom also we have obtained our introduction by faith into this grace in which we stand; and we exult in hope of the glory of God. 3And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; 4and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; 5and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

is rejection God's way of saying no way??

So I asked Sheri

I found this on an "inspiration" tumblr......  Is this true???

I am confused about it.

and she replied....
ElLois,  In the context of a dating relationship, maybe.  But not in familial relationships. God would rather we hear Him say this person is not someone that is best for us, but if we don't hear Him, yes, He could cause a relationship to break up for our good and that will feel like rejection. He deals with us in the most tender way possible....Sheri

insurance on condo and update

Oh Jesus this is so painful...communicating with Steve.... it brings back horrible feelings of rejection, abandonment and despair.

Steve Betts	2:49 PM (57 minutes ago)
to me

Hi Lo.... 

I received a phone call today from the Farmers Insurance office in Racine.  They said that you wanted to cancel their policy to go with your own insurance company.  If your company can give you a cheaper rate - go for it!!  I only went with Farmers because our agent here in Michigan was helping me get it all figured out at the time.

Since the condo is owned  by the trust, I believe the insurance also needs to be in the name of the trust.  Also, the Association requires that certain things be included on the policy (I was not sure if you knew that). 

I will do whatever you need me to do to make the change.  If you would like me to call your insurance agent I can do that - just let me know.  Is your company a nationwide company??  If it is, maybe I could find an agent here in Michigan so that I can get the paperwork signed to get this changed.  If you want to do the paperwork and send it to me to sign, that is fine too.

Please let me know what you decide to do.   

Thanks -

ElLois Betts <ellois.b@gmail.com>	3:44 PM (3 minutes ago)
to Steve

Since Heidi has sent me both insurance "bills / statements,"  I figured it was your way of saying mum's Trust wasn't gonna pay for homeowners insurance anymore.  

So I called Farmer's and asked her what kind of coverage it was.... since I carry renter's insurance.  

She wasn't very willing to chat with me, but I finally got information on liability and deductable....  I do not have a deductable on renters and my liability is "only" $100.000 not the $500,000 of homeowners.

I know the Trust is to pay homeowners and I pay renters....but what am I gonna think if Heidi sent me 2 bills /statements"  ???  It just said to me, "crap on you Lo, you pay this."

What else was I supposed to think? 

Steve Betts	2:33 PM   8/29/13
to me

Lo...

After a lot of thought, I believe I came up with a reasonable but temporary solution to this issue.

Here is my thought pattern:

1. The condominium needs homeowners insurance per Washington Properties rules
2. Due to the fact the condo is in the Trust's name and you are technically "renting, without actually having to pay" the condo, you need to have renter's insurance for the inside contents of the condo.  This is also required by Farmer's insurance to have the owners insurance.
3. The Trust was established to protect mom's car, condo, and finances from having to go to probate court.  It was not designed to pay for the homeowner's insurance, property taxes or up-keep on the condo or mom's car.  Mom left us her money to cover those costs.
4. My relationship with you has been strand to say the least.  It is currently in a better position but it is still tender.
5. The current homeowner's policy is due to renew on September 4.  This gives us very little time to investigate other option--the whole process would be rushed and decisions would be made hastily.
6. In order to buy us some time to smooth out our relationship and better understand how to move forward in the future regarding the homeowner's insurance, I have paid to renew the current policy through Farmer's for another year out of the little money left in the Trust fund.
7. All you will need to do is continue your renter's insurance.

I hope that was clear.  Regarding your other email, I will answer you shortly.  Please be assured, I do care about you.

prompted to write Steve

I read a poem called Life on FB and God prompted me to use it to write Steve.....
as I re-wrote it some, WORN, by Tenth Ave North was playing . . . . .

So I wrote Steve:

ElLois Betts <ellois.b@gmail.com>	10:39 AM (18 minutes ago)
to Steve

You wrote:  Please accept my apology, it is truly heart-felt and from a humble heart.  I desire to restore our relationship.  If you do receive this email, please let me know--reply, call, or text.  I really want to talk with you and find out how you are doing.

I have been waiting, praying about this particular phrase you wrote, it seems so long ago..... and asking God what move shall/should I make, if any at this time.

Sometimes circumstances collide and I try to listen now...for even a gentle whisper from my Shepherd.....  

On a corner she laid

broken as she were

she wept;

crying tears she could not laugh

she stayed;

on the brink of insanity

she remained;

watching the days go by

she tried to understand

but…

nothing made sense,

at least not in this life

so she waited for the next.

If things were different,

and life was just a bit fair

she would have everything…

and without the need to dream

she would have

a huge house

as a place to live,

a beautiful bed

where she could sleep,

a cheerful family

to purge her fears,

and a perfectly carved coffin

if one day,

she ceased to exist.

But,

life is life

and fairness is not her trait

          ~~~~

so when I was down

and all my hope was gone

I looked to my Shepherd

He raised my head

I saw His face

He promised to never leave me

I began to believe

       

I cried out to my Shepherd

      ~~~~

I'm tired 

I'm worn 

My heart is heavy

From the work it takes to keep on breathing

I've made mistakes 

I've let my hope fail

My soul feels crushed

By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest

So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that's dead inside can be reborn

Cause I'm worn

I know I need 

To lift my eyes up

But I'm too weak

Life just won't let up

And I know that You can give me rest

So I cry out with all that I have left

And my prayers are wearing thin

I'm worn even before the day begins

I'm worn I've lost my will to fight

I'm worn so heaven come and flood my eyes 

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Over whelmed, over whelming.....but mostly I hope and I KNOW that my Shepherd is my refuge, a present help in trouble

and He has promised me over and over again with His Word:

"Do not let your heart be troubled.  Trust in Me"  

I am in a much better place but I dearly miss my brother...Have you seen him?  His name is Steve.

My grief now is for the loss of Princess.  She wandered away, out of the garden, one evening (Aug 7) about 9pm..... my neighbor across the field, beyond the wood said that the hawk dropped intestines and a tip of a black fur tail on his property......  I sob for the horrible way she must have died.

My days are so lonely without her.

Mary has offered her Lily to me.......  

Sept 5 I start a group session with Sheri, 8 weeks, and it is centered on inner healing focused on experiencing spiritual and emotional transformation through our relationship with Jesus.

We will be studying and learning from God's Word and 3 other books:  The Soul's Journey into God's Embrace; God Attachment; and Into Abba's Arms.

I look forward to this new growth with open arms.

Steve Betts <stevenbetts1031@gmail.com>	Jul 31
to me, ElLois

ElLois...

I tried calling you several times over the past few days, but I get a message that your phone is unreachable.  Possibly I have an old number or the wrong number all together.  So, I am attempting to email you instead--hopefully one of these email addresses is still active.

ElLois, I want to apologize for getting upset with/mad at you in February of last year and completely avoiding you for over a year. I have hurt you and I am wrong for doing that.  How I have been treating you is not right--it not how family members should treat each other.  I am sure you feel abandoned and neglected; a cast out.  That is so wrong on my part and I am very sorry for my actions.  I told mom, before she died, she didn't need to worry about you anymore and she could go home to be with dad; I would take care of you.  I have NOT been faithful to my words to mom and I desire to right that ship!

Please accept my apology, it is truly heart-felt and from a humble heart.  I desire to restore our relationship.  If you do receive this email, please let me know--reply, call, or text.  I really want to talk with you and find out how you are doing.

ElLois, deep down, I really do care a lot about you.  If it weren't for you, I would still be wetting the bed--remember sleeping on the living room floor with me to help me stop wetting the bed?  I have never forgot that!!!

I love you Lo.  I look forward to hearing from you.

I thought I had posted this letter from Steve...but I hadn't......
My most immediate response to him was....

ElLois Betts <ellois.b@gmail.com>	Jul 31
to Steve

Golly....I am sobbing.  

You probably have the wrong phone number as my phone was cut off and I had a pay as you go number.

Why come to me now??  Not that I am a refusing your apology.

You will need to gain my trust again, despite what you promised mum.

Yes, I do remember being there for you and I even remember scolding Don for neglecting you while I was at Moody.

Abandoned, rejected and dying alone have been the worst fears of my life.  I was not looking forward to dying alone, but yes I have felt taken to the trash heap long ago and buried over the last year, without an ounce of care. 

I sent it to Sheri and she responded:

sheri mccallister	Jul 31
to me

Wow!  What a heart change.  Your loving, tender Shepherd spoke to him on your behalf.  And he listened, that's the miracle.  I know Steven really, really hurt you, but you need to receive this from him.  That does not mean that your hurt doesn't get acknowledged and dealt with, it just means that you start repairing the rupture with him.  Accept his apology and ask him to hear you out, if that is what you need.  He seems to have seen the hurt and devastation that he has caused you.  Let this be the beginning of repairing his relationship with you.  Take small steps in that direction....Sheri

I then wrote Steve:
Oh darn, I somehow erased/deleted it.......

I wrote the entry on Aug 23.......