I was so impationet with mom, attempting to stand up....it was like she was NOT trying....I walk away if she is safe and come back ~~ I did so today but prior to it, I actually slapped her ass.  First time ever I have placed a hand on mom.  I feel sooooo bad about it.  There is no mark, not yet.

Always aside from loosing weight, which I never seem to have the will power for, tis a goal for this year, year 56.  This year I will have help from Nutrisystem and the "bar" for help.

God's love is strong sings Joe Foreman.
Feeling and knowing God's love is a journey says Sheri.
Fear, that is respect for character and authority, leads to obedience says Duet 10:12 and it is commanded in Micah 6:8.
Love flows out of deep gratitude for his love for me........  I don't know that love as i would like to experience it....not yet, it is a journey says Sheri.

This year I want to search and know God's love for me, so I might "Call my name, say it now
I want you to never doubt the love I have for you is so alive." ~~Jesus, Shepherd, Son of god, Saviour, Redeemer.

finding it hard to edit last post

"When you feel like youre alone in your sadness and it seems like no one in this world cares....
and you want to get away from the madness...
you call my name, i'll be there...
....its been so long since you felt like you were loved so what went wrong...
you know there is a place where you belong, in my arms....
Call my name, say it now
I want you to never doubt the love I have for you is so alive."

Sjeri really wants me to learn how to rech out for jesus and KNOW his love..... I told her I have a hard time.
"It's a journey....."

I told her I picture the Shepherd over there under the tree with his staff and the sheep grazing and all he and I do is look at each other, desiring, from my spot on top of the hill..... up yonder.

"I cannot reach him"
He will reach out for you........"  I must continue to go to him, cry out for him in my sadness and weariness, seek him...... it is a journey to feel the love i know is there. 

There is an 18 in seperation between my heart and head.......what I feeel and what I know.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gm-njPYvj4Q


Saw Sheri today..... brought sadness and weariness with me and the words of a song I heard this am........

"When you feel like youre alone in your sadness and it seems like no one in this world cares....
and you want to get away from the madness...
you call my name, i'll be there...

....its been so long since you felt like you were loved so what went wrong...
you know there is a place where you belong, in my arms....

Call my name, say it now
I want you to never doubt the love I have for you is so alive."

We discussed Tim a tad and how unemotionally attached he was and how much healthier I am without his weight around my neck.

I told I have been faithful in communicating with Matt, but he has not reciprocated and still looks..........
She brought up his age....

She brought up relocation and how I felt about it and she ended the topic by saying I have "depth" and "intensity" "ready for a committed relationship" and that I am "more than ready" to leave this place once mum is gone.

No one has described me like that.... yes I do want to hold deep conversations with my lover, to be able to share the great love I have stored for all these years with someone who is totally into me.............

I am weary and sad from the waiting and the longing, desiring and the looking.

I had my normal cry and went out a better person, loving more of me than I had going in.
The radio went on and moments later I heard...........

"He cries in the corner where nobody sees
He’s the kid with the story no one would believe
He prays every night, “Dear God won’t you please
Could you send someone here who will love me?”

Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me
‘Cause nobody has shown me what love
What love really means

Her office is shrinking a little each day
She’s the woman whose husband has run away
She’ll go to the gym after working today
Maybe if she was thinner
Then he would’ve stayed
And she says…

Who will love me for me?
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me?
‘Cause nobody has shown me what love, what love really means

He’s waiting to die as he sits all alone
He’s a man in a cell who regrets what he’s done
He utters a cry from the depths of his soul
“Oh Lord, forgive me, I want to go home”
Then he heard a voice somewhere deep inside
And it said

“I know you’ve murdered and I know you’ve lied
I have watched you suffer all of your life
And now that you’ll listen, I’ll tell you that I...”

I will love you for you
Not for what you have done or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love
The love that you never knew"
(JJ Heller)

.... I had to pull over and grieve cry, pull myself together and tell myself...today I have done something for myself, just me and now I go to buy my new cookware. If I do not do something for me, just because I deserve it, no one else will.

Will share with Matt

"Call My Name"   (Third Day)

It's been so long since you felt like you were loved
So what went wrong
But do you know there's a place where you belong
Here in my arms

When you feel like you're alone in your sadness
And it seems like no one in this whole world cares
And you want to get away from the madness
You just call my name and I'll be there
You just call my name and I'll be there

The pain inside has erased your hope for love
But soon you will find
That I'll give you all that your heart could ever want
And so much more

You just call my name
You just call my name

Call my name, say it now
I want you to never doubt
The love I have for you is so alive

Call my name, say it now
I want you to never doubt
The love I have for you is so alive

You just call my name
You just call my name
You just call my name now

The love I have for you is so alive
The love I have for you is so alive
You just call my name
You just call my name
You just call my name

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BjO1F6oCab8&NR=1

He didn't have to be be the dad he didn't need to be.

So much much I have had and been given, yet I want all that I never had........
the song makes me sad and hopeful at the same time.....that Matt might really be the man I want and need to love and he me.

http://worriersanonymous.org/Share/Christmas/Holynite.htm

The Celtic women sing O Holy Night...truly awesome !!