will need to edit this.....  but Sheri said something along the lines of God cannot stop giving and giving what we need.... he feels each emotion as we feel it, and does empathize perfectly

like when mum and dad could not give me what i needed, God can and I must know that from my heart and head

i am am to be IN God...being, its not about doing

still a dream, still a believer

I just felt your hand on my back when I left.................. on my other blog and started to cry

I AM WITH YOU LO

I need to say to you Shepherd....

Sometimes I just want to start over
'Cause everything looks like a wreck
And I need the courage to carry on
'Cause I can't see what's ahead

And there are places I've wished I could be
Battles I've wanted to win
Dreams that have slipped through my hands
I may never get back again

But I'd rather speak honestly
And wear a tattered heart on my sleeve
'Cause in the middle of my broken dreams
Redemption is here

And I'm still a dreamer, a believer
Oh, I lost my faith in so many things
But I STILL believe in YOU
'Cause You are the answer, the Redeemer

obedience and grace

obedience is how we want to in act in response to God's amazing grace.

undo me

I don’t really worship these day
I don’t really stand up to praise you with songs
Or prayers or actions
or with anything
I am full of all the right moves
I am full of all the right words
I am full of all the right religion
But it is all just illusion
I am really
Lonely
Lost
Calloused
Jaded
Cynical
Too religious
Too realistic
and well really just to lazy
to worship you anymore
I have lost my first love
I have lost the joy of your presence
But most of all I have lost the fear of your glory

Father I need to see you again
Like Isaiah I want to stand in awe of your glory
To fall down at your feet
To come face to face with your
Perfection,
Radiance,
Goodness,
Holiness,
Awesomeness
I want to stand before you and see you for who you are
and me for who I am
I want to be undone

I want to know me for who I really am
I want to see the depths of my heart
And know that you are the only way
You are the only truth
You are the only life
I want to see me and understand
What it really must have taken for you to
Love me
Care for me
See me
Speak to me
Want me
Communicate with me
Die for me
Die for me
Die for me

Lord, I want to stand in that place where all I can see is your glory
And my sin
Because in that place I can’t help but worship you.
Lord let me come undone
Undo my heart
Lord, undo my heart
break down these walls that I love so much
No, wait don’t,
I’m scared I don’t know if I can handle this
don’t
But I can’t live this way anymore
I can’t stand here in this half-life
this going through the motions life
this not really alive life
Father, I need you so come in and do what you must
Cut out the tumor on my heart
Break down the walls that I love
Lord let me come undone
Undo my heart
let me worship you again

*Blake Williams

Am venturing with Sheri into the land of guided prayer...to find my Shepherd.....

This prayer by Blake sums it all up.

She told me last week that she feels that she believes I will come to some point where I will not NEED Matt but need my Shepherd so much, all other things pale in comparison...

this excites yet saddens me because I so want Matt or someone much like him. Its like I have gone through so much in regards to men that I am not sure I will ever have redemption and find my one true love.

Please Jesus, my Saviour, my soul's redemption, please comfort me with the fact that I can have you and another.

Afraid to love
Something that could break
Could I move on
If you were torn away?
And I'm so close to what I can't control
I can't give you half my heart
And pray He makes you whole
(Chorus)
You're gonna have all of me
You're gonna have all of me
'Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me is where I'll start
I won't let sadness steal you from my arms
I won't let pain keep you from my heart
I'll trade the fear of all that I could lose
For every moment I share with you
Chorus
Heaven brought you to this moment, it's too wonderful to speak
You're worth all of me, you're worth all of me
So let me recklessly love you, even if I bleed
You're worth all of me, you're worth all of me

unanswered prayers

Why does God often seem slow to answer our prayers?
Most of us wrestle silently with the tension of unanswered prayer. We grow impatient with God and wish He would just "show up". To be honest, this is often the state of my own heart. Can you relate?
Each of our situations and stories are unique, but we can cling to these truths:
1. All unanswered prayers are merely "not-yet-answered prayers". In His way and on His timetable, God does answer the prayers of those who seek Him.
2. God is doing something for our greater good and His greater glory.
Today we must trust Him and wait patiently. Humanly speaking, this is an impossible task. We can only do this by returning to Jesus each day for the nourishment of our souls and the strengthening of our hearts. For the weary, He is the only place of rest ... the only "Haven" there is.

deafening silence

It's the deafening silence, the awareness that no one else is in the house with me...the cat follows me silently.  I would not know she were here if I did not have good eye sight. The lights are off, the heat not yet turned on and I feel wrapped intransparent blanket that wont hide my feelings.

The dark rooms have nothing speical to say and boost about....they have memories, each of them.  They are as quite as the air that just stands ready to be inhaled.

I have heard mum 3 times in the last 2 weeks .... she wakes me up summoning me to her side "Lois."
A weak, pleading voice, that is distinctly my loving mum needing some help...."I hurt" she use to say and I would rub hr legs gently until she said they felt better.  I repositioned her, changed her, got some vicadin, gave her some water..... anything to make her feel betttr.  Then tucked her in and gave her a hug and kiss.  Closed the door some and proceeded back to bed when all I wanted to do was go back and curl up beside her instead of neither of us sleeping or knowing she was listening to my medication induced sleep.

I have woken with dried tears in my eyes in the morning.  I have woke myself from dreams that haunt me adn the hell of nightmares.  I just want a night without dreams, nightmares, talking, screaming or crying.

It's not the alone part, its the lonely part.  The part without companionship, another person and  their  touch, voice, smell, doing something together that I so long for. 

I longfor love, not just my heavenly father but a man who was into me and could not think of going anywhere without me or who needed me to rub his soreness away, make sweet passionate lustful love knowing that i lust for his flesh as he does mine.

Its just the noise of the shower, the vent, the steps, the washing machine from upstairs that Ihear like a blanket of smoothering staleness over me.

For now thisis all of me and what I know.  My journal, my Bible the computer, my secret spot and holding my teddy bear as I go to sleep.....wanting so much more

I found these recently and they so fit here...............
Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out but to see who cares enough to break them down.
"We all have rooms we lock and daren't visit lest they bring pain."

on being enlightened

Sheri says "you are very right brained...... creative, in touch with all your senses and emotions...."

sheep are dirty, unintelligent and obstinate

Sheep are not all the clean and cuddly creatures they look from a distance. On the contrary, they are dirty and subject to nasty pests. They need to be regularly dipped in strong chemicals to rid them of lice, ticks and worms. They are also unintelligent and obstinate.......

Green Pastures ~ Audio Only ~ Emmylou Harris

Green Pastures

Troubles and trials often betray those
On in the weary body to stray
But we shall walk beside the still waters
With the Good Shepherd leading The Way

Those who have strayed were sought by The Master
He who once gave His life for the sheep
Out on the mountain still He is searching
Bringing them in forever to keep

Going up home to live in green pastures
Where we shall live and die never more
Even The Lord will be in that number
When we shall reach that Heavenly Shore

We will not heed the voice of the stranger
For he would lead us to despair
Following on with Jesus our savior
We shall all reach that country so fair

Going up home to live in green pastures
Where we shall live and die never more
Even The Lord will be in that number
When we shall reach that Heavenly Shore

Stress is real, but God's perfect peace - our Prince of Peace - is greater, bringing us safety and stability.
"You have been a refuge for the poor, a refuge for the needy in his distress, a shelter from the storm and a shade from the heat."
 (Isaiah 25:4)
boldly approach the throne ~~~~~~ somehow I have a dificult time doing so, as if totally unacceptable
Does God plant courage in us in any hour of desperation?  Dont we need to ask for it?
Consider it wholly joyful, my brethren, whenever you are enveloped in or encounter trials of any sort or fall into various temptations.3  Be assured and understand that the trial and proving of your faith bring out endurance and steadfastness and patience.4  But let endurance and steadfastness and patience have full play and do a thorough work, so that you may be [people] perfectly and fully developed [with no defects], lacking in nothing.5  If any of you is deficient in wisdom, let him ask of the giving God [Who gives] to everyone liberally and ungrudgingly, without reproaching or faultfinding, and it will be given him.6  Only it must be in faith that he asks with no wavering (no hesitating, no doubting). For the one who wavers (hesitates, doubts) is like the billowing surge out at sea that is blown hither and thither and tossed by the wind

There IS a sense of stability in trusting God.....  how does one get there...the ability to trust when all I seem to do is trust culpably in blindness?
Aug 16
"He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' (Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." ~~~ cant even grasp this part  (2 Corinthians 12:9)
God's grace truly is sufficient for the struggle. Paul knew his life was in God's hands, and the special manifestation of His power, beyond human understanding, would allow him to press on.
That's God's promise to us also. His grace is all-sufficient for us in life's challenges, battles and tragedies.
As a little child is comforted by placing his hand in Mommy's, so are we when the Lord wraps His loving hand around us.
Not only are you safe in His hands, but also right next to the nail scars, your name is engraved.
I am not sure I could have gotten through this day without Bebo Norman's Great Light of the World or this visualization of putting my hand into the hand of my Shepherd.
Sometimes at night
 I am afraid
 I cover my eyes,
 Cover my shame
 So here in the dark
 Broken a part
 Come with your light
 And fill up my heart
Oh great light of the world
 Fill up my soul
 I’m half a man here
 So come make me whole
 Oh great light of the world
 Come to impart
 The light of your grace
 To fill up my heart
The wind of this world
 Can push me around
 Folding me up
 Backing me down
 But here in the dark
 I’m not alone
 So come with your strength
 And carry me home.........
I wrote the poem Love on FB and mum's pick and Cheryl wrote:  Her 1st Birthday in Heaven!!! How awesome is that?? I know you miss her terribly ElLois..but, one day.. you will see her again and she will say...what took you so long??? Then there will be no more night, no more pain, no more tears, never crying again..Praises to the Great I Am..we will live in the Light of the Risen Lamb!!!!
 ‎"Healing is sweet, but scars will remain. Forgiveness is Divine, It Restores Everything" 
"faith knows that God always performs what He promises."  to draw nigh.....do I really want him in my brokenness and ugliness without being able to forgive myself ?
"you have a tender and too trusting heart"    Cheryl

In God's Hands2 Corinthians 12:1-10


"He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."
(2 Corinthians 12:9)

God's grace truly is sufficient for the struggle. Paul knew his life was in God's hands, and the special manifestation of His power, beyond human understanding, would allow him to press on.
That's God's promise to us also. His grace is all-sufficient for us in life's challenges, battles and tragedies.

As a little child is comforted by placing his hand in Mommy's, so are we when the Lord wraps His loving hand around us.

Not only are you safe in His hands, but also right next to the nail scars, your name is engraved.
(See Isaiah 49:16.)

I am not sure I could have gotten through this day without Bebo Norman's Great Light of the World or this visualization of putting my hand into the hand of my Shepherd.

PSALM 23

With PSALMS 23 am fully covered


1 The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
2 He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters,
3 he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake.
4 Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil,
for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.

The night my mum passed away and finally met her Saviour, her Pastor came to the house and sat with her and told her it was her time to walk through the valley and gave her permission to walk THROUGH the valley.... 3 hours later her suffering had ended and she was rejoicing. I will never again read Psalm 23 the same as I did before May 22.

Jesus alone is able to cut through that which binds us

Forgive me, Lord, for my tendency to look for self-help solutions to my spiritual bondage. fears.

God was IS   preparing him  ME  for a new sighting of Jesus, this time through the prism of tears.

Who can break the seals that bind me? Not me. Not my pastor. Not my therapist  counselor. Not all the philosophers through time. Only One is worthy; His name is Jesus.
(crosspost)

All I have in Christ

I once was lost in darkest night
Yet thought I knew the way.
The sin that promised joy and life
Had led me to the grave.
I had no hope that You would own
A rebel to Your will.
And if You had not loved me first
I would refuse You still.
But as I ran my hell-bound race
Indifferent to the cost
You looked upon my helpless state
And led me to the cross.
And I beheld God’s love displayed
You suffered in my place
You bore the wrath reserved for me
Now all I know is grace.
Hallelujah! All I have is Christ
Hallelujah! Jesus is my life
Now, Lord, I would be Yours alone
And live so all might see
The strength to follow Your commands
Could never come from me.
Oh Father, use my ransomed life
In any way You choose.
And let my song forever be
My only boast is You.
© 2008 Sovereign Grace Praise (BMI), by Jordan Kauflin

"Everlasting God"

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord

Our God, You reign forever
Our hope, our Strong Deliverer
You are the everlasting God
The everlasting God
You do not faint
You won't grow weary

Our God, You reign forever
Our hope, our Strong Deliverer
You are the everlasting God
The everlasting God
You do not faint
You won't grow weary

You're the defender of the weak
You comfort those in need
You lift us up on wings like eagles

...words of comfort: "Do not be afraid." It seems that every meaningful meeting with Jesus has the same eternal ring about it: We see Him. We fall in worship. He touches us. He gives a word for us. Our hearts are comforted and revived.
It took a while until John recognized Jesus. ~~As it does me ~~ You can almost hear John say, "Jesus, it is you!"~~ in almost disbelief that He is STILL there ~~ Doubts and questions go; hope is restored. Nothing revives the heart like a new vision of Jesus… new, yes, but laced with familiar feelings. We realize to our utter amazement that He has been there all the time, even if hidden from view.

Went to church yesterday with Elizabeth.
Sang some great songs and heard a message about God's glory and grace.
2 Cor 4 is a series of suffering, failures, trials, dignity being stripped away and YET we do not lose heart, for we see HIS glory and grace.

The condition of the prodigal son is worse than we can ever imagine ~~ they do not see His glory and grace  ... only God can bring His light and glory into their heart.

John 1:1-18
Ex 33
2 Cor 3:18- 4

(crossposted)
Again John (I) heard the voice of Jesus, the one he'd (I've) listened to intently (intently, nonchalantly, not, with fear r/t sin, intensely, wonderinly if I was still qualified to listen, as if I did not earn His voice) for over three years as a young man was (as a young woman, a vexed woman, disobedient, needing and yet not acknowledging.....)

was still powerful, continual, fresh and, above all, dependable.
Yes, my Good Shepherd is totally dependable.

 Sometimes when we are going through the dark night of trials, the Word seems dull, if not dead.

The promises that we cling to sting us in our despair. The cry of a revived believer calls out desperately to hear a word of assurance from the Lord.

Above all I NEED to know that I am His and that I am acceptable to hear His Word of reassurance.

I NEED His assurance.

I have walked through many a "blazing furnace" in my time.
Ah yes....some because I was being tried by my Lord and others because I had disobeyed.
But nothing could have prepared me for the one I live through now.... she will never come back, I have lost mum and dad.
 Passing through fires of affliction is no fun.
There is a pain, that is so difficult, it pinches the soul and grieves the very core of my soul.
Three young Hebrews found that out in Babylon where they were literally thrown into a furnace, one so hot that it killed any who came near it. But for these three, their feet were not even seared because "Someone" entered the fire with them.
I Must acknowledge that my Shepherd walks with me, no matter how I feel, it is a fact.
They were saved from certain death. Look at this amazing "Someone," His feet "like bronze glowing in a furnace"!

Jesus passed through the fires of suffering when He atoned for our sins on the Cross. He suffered anguish in spirit, soul and body in His sacrifice of self. His feet were in the fire. Now, with those same burnished feet, He walks beside us through a world of sin and destruction. "When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze" (Isaiah 43:2).

Your own suffering has eternal meaning because Christ suffers with us. Walking with Jesus in revival is a fellowship of suffering as well as unspeakable joy.
I am expecting nothing but a journey which I want my Shepherd to teach me as I follow Him.... something in my journey will bring joy as I grtieve, as I grow.....

INSIGHT
When I find myself resisting any test of faith, I repent of that unwillingness and accede to the perfect will of Jesus.

Jesus' power is subservient to His wisdom. He can do it, but His wisdom guides the use of His power. In our limited sight, we see but a small portion of the great, eternal picture. But Jesus sees it all.

Life with Jesus is a walk of faith, not of sight. When all evidence cries out that what Jesus said is not true, a humble child of faith sees Jesus as the Almighty One despite argument to the contrary.

yesterday I realized that Feb 22 and May 22 are the deaths of Dad and Mum respectively......

will go to funerals home and put makeup on mom today..... am sort of nervous about it....but tis mom's wish

Steven arrived yesterday by suppertime and twas a good evening with all of them.
amelia gave me the sweetest gentlest hug i could have dreamed of .......

toBev Streit <bushbevi@yahoo.com>,
Chuck and Ruth <hartski47@yahoo.com>,
Jonathan Couture <jacouture@woh.rr.com>,
"Larry & Bernie Betts Sr." <l2betts2@hughes.net>,
Mark and Jan Olander <mjolander@aimint.net>,
Mary Papke <mbpapke6@comcast.net>,
Mollie Couture <mrscouture1@frontier.com>,
"Mrs. Powell" <powell-ml@juno.com>,
Verna <verna@hardwoodcafe.com>,
Carl's Mary <madirkse@comcast.net>,
Susan Ireta <sladan913@aol.com>,
Joe Moore <yourmysacrafice@hotmail.com>
dateFri, May 20, 2011 at 9:03 PM
mailed-bygmail.com
hide details 9:03 PM (1 minute ago)
I want to thank all of you for the ministry you have had in mom's life over the years.

I am writing to tell you that mom's death is imminate, it wont be long.  She is ready and all of us kids have told her we are ready to let her go.  No more suffering and no more pain, that we want her with the Lord as much as she wishes to see Him.

If you wish to send  flowers or gifts of any sort..... we are establishing a memorial of love gifts to be presented to Moody Bible Instituate for the financially needy international students.

Please forward this message to anyone who you know would want to know about mom's passing.  I will write a brief note when she does pass.

Persoanlly, I want to let all of you know that mom has fondly spoken of all of you and I have so much appreciated the correspondence with you in regards to keeping you up on mom's condition.
It has also been an incredible priviloedge to have been by mom's side for the last 2 years.  I have been truly blessed.

Into God's hands I have placed her life.....
ElLois

Sheri,
I did NOT do well at the bank nor in understanding the attorney with mnom's affairs.   I am overwhelmed with what is to be done and the instructions given me.  I fell apart at the bank.

I came home and told mom that I was proud to be her daughter and that I am proud to know she believed in me (in re to POA) and that if she was ready to go, I was too and know that I will make her and Dad proud of me.  Steve told her yesterday that he would take care of me and she need not owrry about me. 

 I am so emotionally and physically exhausted....I took 2 klonopin and when Bec gets here will take a nap..  ......   after I return to the bank and draw some money out.

I almostt called you in my overwhelmed panic but called upon my Lord to hold me and make me calm in His mercy and grace.

I am ok just so tired (exhausted) of emoting and being overwhelmed.

Unless mom chooses to hold on, for whatever reason, I think she will pass over the weekend. 

If I cannot handle any more, I will call you.

dearest Mary.....
It has been 2 full and busy days with one left.......  I realized I had NOT put into effect somethings in mom's TRUST.....
 I contacted the attorney and the financial lady..... both of which helped realize what I specifically needed to do and by tomorrow afternoon I will have all things done.

The hospice nurse is putting mum on a "daily watch" as she feels, after todays visit, she will pass as soon as I tell mum I am finished, she knows I have done what I needed as pr her wish and I will be ok.

Steve (brother in MI) told mum today he will make sure I am taken care of and that he loved me and would help me in any way he could....... he wanted mum to know that.

I cannot tell mum I am ready for her to pass until tomorrow evening and at that point I hope she realizes I truly have done as she has desired and give her peace .....and if it were her waiting for me to let go.... I am ready.  

Sister Becky has been very supportive in the last week and did tell me today when she stopped briefly that I have done a great job with mom and she is sorry I have not heard it before today.

My therapist told me I have really attached to mum in a way that I did not expect to and it will be difficult for me to be not so dependent on anyone after she is gone.......  when mom was "alone" after dad passed, she kept herself very busy (and bossy.....*smiles) ....... that is not my personality......so being ready not to care for anyone is gonna be difficult.

am going to cry with my head between His shoulders.

Centering Your Heart
Psalm 73:23-28


"I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him..."
(PHILIPPIANS 3:10)

We hear a lot these days about achieving balance in our lives. We know we need to prioritize our long lists of commitments, but often we end up feeling like the circus performer who keeps adding more and more spinning plates on sticks in the air above his head.
Have you been caught up in life's balancing act? The "god of balance" only gives an illusion of satisfaction and control. Peace and contentment are lost in the hustle and bustle, leaving our spirits empty as we fly exhausted from one responsibility to the next.

A recent church bulletin posed this thought: "Suppose the goal is not a balanced life, but a centered life, one that is faithful to God in everything we do….where God is the center…"

Let your busy-ness go, starting over again by allowing God to fill your heart with Himself. Then, by His grace, you'll stop spinning in circles and will revolve instead around the Bible and its Living Word, Jesus. Watch Him lovingly transform your perspective each day.

"Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in him, for he shields him all day long, and the one the Lord loves rests between his shoulders."
(DEUTERONOMY 33:12)

The circumstances of life change frequently. The economy may and does fluctuate. Wars may escalate and devastate. A loved one may sicken or die. There may be a drought or a flood. Insecurity is everywhere!
However dire the events around us, as Christians we know that these are not happenstance. God is always in control. Our hearts can rest secure in Him, knowing He is working in our circumstances with a plan for our good and not for our harm (Jeremiah 29:11). We can trust His never-failing promises to be our Rock, our Fortress, and our Salvation.
Secure hearts give thanks to their Maker for trouble as well as for blessing. The apostle Paul, having suffered many trying circumstances for the gospel, urges us to do just that, because this is God's will for us in Jesus (1 Thessalonians 5:16).
Are you experiencing a difficulty today? Thank God right now for that problem, and put it in His all-powerful hands. Leave it there knowing our God reigns.

"There they were, overwhelmed with dread, where there was nothing to dread."
(PSALM 53:5)

These irrational fears became a very real spiritual battle for me.
They were replaced by confidence in God's ability   NOT MINE  to watch over me.
indeed help me !!  guide me !!
help me not be overwhelmed !!  see things as a step at a time !! 

Is there a fear lurking in your heart, something perhaps you are even afraid or ashamed to admit? We can trust our heavenly Father, the God of all comfort (2 Corinthians 1:3), to relieve those fears. When we make God our refuge, He promises to command angels to guard us. He draws near to us through Jesus. The Holy Spirit, our Comforter, settles our fearful hearts.

Once again I feel as though I am putting mom to bed for the last time......

It came to me today, that I have unfinished business and maybe God is waiting for ME to be faithful in it.  Then He will take mum.

listening to Michael English today, The Prodigal Returns CD.........

Everyone falls,  everyone hurts..........

The only good in me is Jesus

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RACINE - Raymond Friesema, 83, died peacefully at his home, with family members attending him, on Friday morning, May 6, 2011 following a courageous four-year battle with cancer. He was born June 28, 1927 at the farm home to Jacob and Mamie (nee: Dykstra) Friesema. His schooling began at a one-room school, Sylvania. With the family moving to Racine, he was educated in the Racine schools, graduating in the Washington Park High School 'Class of 1945'. His father picked up Ray's diploma however, because Ray was already in the United States Navy, with the Seabees stationed on Guam. Upon his release in October of 1946, he enrolled in classes at Parkside, and from there to MSOE pursuing an education in mechanical engineering. On September 24, 1949, he married the former Hazel Jacobson in a ceremony at the Calvary Memorial Church, then called the Gospel Tabernacle. He has been very involved in the ministry of the church all his life, serving as a Sunday School teacher, board member of the finance committee and Missionary committee. For the past 22 years he has been the greeter at a main entrance, serving people, particularly those handicapped. His faithfulness and friendliness has endeared him to many. That service has only been terminated because of his illness. His lifetime has been spent in the machine tool industry, working at Tree Tool & Die, Famco Machinery in Kenosha, Tru-Trace Corporation of California and culminating with many years as a manufacturers' rep for Seaberg Machinery of New York. His territory covered many of the Midwestern States and his 'best tool' of the trade was his Mooney airplane that he owned and piloted. In addition to business, his plane was often used as a means of carrying out missions of mercy. He always enjoyed his work, but was happy to return as quickly as possible to the family. Every position he held, was with the understanding that for him, God took first place, his family came second, and then the job. He is survived by his wife of 61 years, Hazel; their five children, John (Jean) Friesema, Bill (Trudy) Friesema, all of Woodland Park, Colo., Mary Claire Friesema of Denver, Colo., Kay (Chuck) Smith of Lake George, Colo., and Jayne (Bob) Bradford of Hammond; twelve grandchildren, Jason (Trish) Friesema, Josh (AnnMarie) Friesema, all of Woodland Park, Colo.; John (Annie) Friesema, Jr., of Colorado Springs, Colo.; Sam (Jessica) Friesema of Cleveland, Ohio; Shelly (Nathan) Reitz of Pagosa Springs, Colo.; Krystal (Dre) Arceneaux of Arvada, Colo.; Nick Leiting of Texas; Sgt. Brent (Katie) Lang, serving in Afghanistan; Katrina Lang (fiancée Matt Pulda) of Sturtevant; Grant Lang of Racine; Philip (Katie) Buckles, of Roseville, Minn.; and Kim Bradford of Hammond. There are also 15 great grand- children. Ray has a sister, Clara (Fred) Schaefer of Racine and a brother Jacob (Murly) Friesema of Aurora, Ill.; their children, Rev. Tim (Marie) Friesema and Lori Friesema. Ray has two sisters-in-law, Joyce (Fred) Larson of Racine and Grace Stried of Zion, Ill.. There are also numerous nieces, nephews and cousins. Ray was pre-deceased by his parents, Jacob and Mamie Friesema; and by an older brother, John, killed in World War II and buried in Holland. Visitation will be held at Draeger Langendorf Funeral Home at 4600 County Line Road, Racine from 5 until 8 p.m. on Sunday evening, May 8, 2011. There will also be visitation on Monday, May 9, 2011 at Calvary Memorial Church, 4001 Washington Avenue, Racine, from 9:30 a.m. until service time at 11 a.m. with Rev. Nathan James officiating. Private interment will take place in West Lawn Memorial Park. In lieu of flowers, memorials may be made to the Missions fund of Calvary Memorial Church or to Youth for Christ of Racine. The family wishes to express gratitude to Dr. Michael Mullane and also to Dr. James Taylor for their compassionate, tender care throughout the years of Ray's illness. DRAEGER-LANGENDORF FUNERAL HOME AND CREMATORY 4600 County Line Road 552-9000 www.draeger-langendorf.com

thank you for mary's words of encouragement

thank you for Chrissy and the wonderful work she did for me

thank youf or the visit with Don and Cindy
the talk Don and I had that Grace is bugging everyone about me and he and steve are concerned

thank you that mama went poop and had a good day today with all her peeps

thank youf or the strength and the patience you gave me as well.

You do delight in delighting me . . . .  even if I forget that you want to do so.

oh Jesus of all days for Yo to dump me and not come.......  help me please, give me strength and mostly please help me to be patient with mum.

And with your final heartbeat,
Kiss the world goodbye,
Then go in peace, and laugh on Glory's side... and live
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Weak and wounded sinner,
Lost and left to die,
O, raise your head for Love is passing by,

Come to Jesus,
Come to Jesus,
Come to Jesus and live,

Now your burden's lifted,
And carried far away,
And precious blood has washed away the stain... so

Sing to Jesus ,
Sing to Jesus ,
Sing to Jesus and live,

And like a newborn baby,
Don't be afraid to crawl,
And remember when you walk sometimes we fall... so

Fall on Jesus,
Fall on Jesus,
Fall on Jesus and live,

Sometimes the way is lonely,
And steep and filled with pain,
So if your sky is dark and pours the rain... then

Cry to Jesus,
Cry to Jesus,
Cry to Jesus and live,

O, and when the love splills over,
And music fills the night,
And when you can't contain you joy inside... then

Dance for Jesus,
Dance for Jesus,
Dance for Jesus and live,

And with your final heartbeat,
Kiss the world goodbye,
Then go in peace, and laugh on Glory's side... and

Fly to Jesus,
Fly to Jesus,
Fly to Jesus and live,

Fly to Jesus,
Fly to Jesus,
Fly to Jesus and live,

Come to Jesus by Chris Rice

http://www.truthinhistory.org/the-welsh-revival-of-1904-1905.html

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1904%E2%80%931905_Welsh_Revival

http://www.welshrevival.com/

Katherine Jenkins -Welsh Melody

Song of the Welsh revival............. Here is Love.  Would like to read about it some day.

Katherine Jenkins -Welsh Melody

HymnHere is Love Vast as the Ocean Welsh Church

Here is love, vast as the ocean
Loving kindness as the flood
When the Prince of Life, our Ransom
Shed for us His precious blood, precious blood

Here is love, vast as the ocean
Loving kindness as the flood
When the Prince of Life, our Ransom
Shed for us His precious blood

Who His love will not remember?
Who can cease to sing His praise?
He can never be forgotten
Throughout Heaven's eternal days

On the mount of crucifixion
Fountains opened deep and wide
Through the floodgates of God's mercy
Flowed a vast and gracious tide

Grace and love, like mighty rivers
Poured incessant from above
And Heaven's peace and perfect justice
Kissed a guilty world in love

Who His love will not remember?
Who can cease to sing His praise?
He can never be forgotten
Throughout Heaven's eternal days

Never to be forgotten
Your sacrifice, this place requires
Never to be forgotten, Lord
Throughout eternity

No love is higher, no love is wider
No love is deeper, no love is truer
No love is higher, no love is wider
No love is like Your love, oh Lord

No love is higher, no love is wider
No love is deeper, no love is truer
No love is higher, no love is wider
No love is like Your love, oh Lord

No love is higher, no love is wider
No love is deeper, no love is truer
No love is higher, no love is wider
No love is like Your love, oh Lord

Here is love, here is love
Here is love, oh

No love is higher, no love is wider
No love is deeper, no love is truer
No love is higher, no love is wider
No love is like Your love, oh Lord

No love is higher, no love is wider
No love is deeper, no love is truer
No love is higher, no love is wider
No love is like Your love, oh Lord

Your love, it's Your love
It's Your love, it's Your love

As here is love vast as the ocean
Higher, wider, deeper
As here is love vast as the ocean
Here is love vast as the ocean
As here is love vast as the ocean

By and By

We are tossed and driven
on the restless sea of time;
somber skies and howling tempests
oft succeed a bright sunshine;
in that land of perfect day,
when the mists are rolled away,
we will understand it better by and by.
Refrain:
By and by, when the morning comes,
when the saints of God are gathered home,
we'll tell the story how we've overcome,
for we'll understand it better by and by.

2. We are often destitute
of the things that life demands,
want of food and want of shelter,
thirsty hills and barren lands;
we are trusting in the Lord,
and according to God's word,
we will understand it better by and by.
(Refrain)

3. Trials dark on every hand,
and we cannot understand
all the ways of God would lead us
to that blessed promised land;
but he guides us with his eye,
and we'll follow till we die,
for we'll understand it better by and by.
(Refrain)

4. Temptations, hidden snares
often take us unawares,
and our hearts are made to bleed
for a thoughtless word or deed;
and we wonder why the test
when we try to do our best,
but we'll understand it better by and by.
(Refrain)

Hold Me Jesus - Rich Mullins

Hold Me Jesus

Well, sometimes my life
Just don't make sense at all
When the mountains look so big
And my faith just seems so small
CHORUS:
So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace
And I wake up in the night and feel the dark
It's so hot inside my soul
I swear there must be blisters on my heart
CHORUS
Surrender don't come natural to me
I'd rather fight You for something
I don't really want
Than to take what You give that I need
And I've beat my head against so many walls
Now I'm falling down, I'm falling on my knees
And this Salvation Army band
Is playing this hymn
And Your grace rings out so deep
It makes my resistance seem so thin
CHORUS
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

Story - "Blessings" Lyrics

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home,
It's not our home

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

Laura Story - Blessings

When my will bends to Yours, I will blossom like a flower under the warm spring rain and bright radiant morning star.

I will surrender my all to You and lay in Your arms thankful to join my soul with Yours, my Shepherd.

I feel as if these are mom's last days before she strokes or something. Night times are the worst and it always occurs while she is eating, she just ceases to function well.  I think getting her to bed by 7 would be best.  I need so much more compassion.

The infection has spread to her bone and is on antibiotics.  I just do not want her to go out the way dad did, in hospital with alot of gorry stuff.

I do need to pay off all her bills asap and clean this office up.....taxes too.

Get all these clothes to a consignment shop.

I just need a will to do what I know is right and not be so tired in doing so. 

I need the pain in my knee NOT to get worse jesus, please I beg of you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YPaU7jJvqRc

I set out on a narrow way
Many years ago
Hoping I would find true love
Along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign
Pointed straight to you
Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart
They were just northern stars
Pointing me on my way
Into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
And led me straight to you
I think about the years I spent
Just passing through
I'd like to take the time I lost
And give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there, you understand
It's all part of his grander plan
That is coming true
Every long lost dream, led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart
They were just northern stars
Pointing me on my way
Into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
And led me straight to you
Now I'm just rolling home
Into your loving arms
This much I know, is true
That God blessed the broken road
And led me straight to you
That God blessed the broken road
And led me straight to you

Gracie showed up yesterday...out of the blue.  Well, she had the help of Becky but she could have said something before hand so that I dont look like a complete disorganized idiot.  I suppose tho that this was to be expected.  Just like ma's death.  I had better stop procrastinating.

I felt funny doing ma's cares in front of her, like she was judging how well I do it.

I am gonna ask ma if she knew about this.......  I bet she did. 

Words are powerful. You've known that since the first time you read a book you couldn't put down. Think of the influence of words you've heard from an impassioned speaker. Remember how powerful words were when someone said, "I'm proud of you," or, sadly, when someone spoke ill of you? Surely you've had the words of a song remain in your mind for years.

Countless words have been written and spoken that impress, enlighten, entertain. But none is so sweet or so mighty, so complete or magnificent as the name of Jesus. A contemporary children's song by Keith and Kristyn Getty affirms the heart of the believer, saying "Better is one word from Jesus than a thousand I could say; better is one step with Jesus than a thousand another way."

"Better Is One Day"

How lovely is
Your dwelling place
Oh Lord Almighty,
My soul doth long
And even faint
For You
Here my heart
Is satisfied
Within Your presence
I see beneath
The shadow of
Your wings

Better is one day in Your courts
Better is one day in Your house
Better is one day in Your courts
Than thousands elsewhere
Better is one day in Your courts
Better is one day in Your house
Better is one day in Your courts
Than thousands elsewhere

How lovely is
Your dwelling place
Oh Lord Almighty,
My soul doth long
And even faint
For You
Here my heart
Is satisfied
Within Your presence
I see beneath
The shadow of
Your wings

Better is one day in Your courts
Better is one day in Your house
Better is one day in Your courts
Than thousands elsewhere
Better is one day in Your courts
Better is one day in Your house
Better is one day in Your courts
Than thousands elsewhere

(My heart and flesh cry out)
My heart and flesh cry out
For You, the Living God
Your Spirit's water to my soul
I've tasted, and I've seen
Come once again to me
I will draw near to You
I will draw near to You
To You

Better is one day in Your courts
Better is one day in Your house
Better is one day in Your courts
Than thousands elsewhere
Better is one day in Your courts
Better is one day in Your house
Better is one day in Your courts
Than thousands elsewhere

Better is one day in Your courts
Better is one day in Your house
Better is one day in Your courts
Than thousands elsewhere
Better is one day in Your courts
Better is one day in Your house
Better is one day in Your courts
Than thousands elsewhere

God's love is strong sings Jon Foreman. (of Switchfoot)

Heavenly Father
You always amaze me
Let your kingdom come
In my world and in my life
You give me the food I need
To live through the day
And forgive me as I forgive
The people that wronged me
Lead me far from temptation
Deliver me from the evil one

I look out the window
The birds are composing
Not a note is out of tune
Or out of place
>I look at the meadow
And stare at the flowers
Better dressed than any girl
On her wedding day

So why do I worry?
Why do I freak out?
God knows what I need
You know what I need

Chorus (3x):
Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong

The kingdom of the heavens
Is now advancing
**Invade my heart
**Invade this broken town
The kingdom of the heavens
Is buried treasure
<<Will you sell yourself
<<To buy the one you've found?

**Two things you told me
**That you are strong
**And you love me
Yes, you love me

(Chorus 3x)

Our God in heaven
Hallowed be
Thy name above all names
Your kingdom come
Your will be done
On earth as it is in heaven
Give us today our daily bread
Forgive us wicked sinners
Lead us far away from our vices
And deliver us from these prisons

Feeling and knowing God's love is a journey........
Fear, that is respect for character and authority, leads to obedience says Duet 10:12 and it is commanded in Micah 6:8.
Love flows out of deep gratitude for his love for me........  I don't know that love as i would like to experience it....not yet, it is a journey .............

*****This year I want to search and know God's love for me, so I might "Call my name, say it now
I want you to never doubt the love I have for you is so alive." ~~Jesus, Shepherd, Son of god, Saviour, Redeemer.

"Even in darkness light dawns for the upright, for the gracious and compassionate and righteous man (and woman) . . . .He (she) will have no fear of bad news; his (her) heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord" Ps 112:4, 7

"So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness."

****I also have made a decision to finally loose my weight.  Just as I stopped smoking, I can loose my weight..... I am starting Nutrisystem on the first day of my new year.

****Scripture I want to memorize:  Micah 6:8
                                                       Duet 10:12
                                                       Psalm 63:1-8;  112:4,7

Boo is hurting again cause of his girl.  Take him in your arms and love him in a special way.  Sheri tells me to let God draw me, please God draw him and let him know your will the best.
                                                                                                                
I start my new year with snow, a perm (first is thousands of years :>}}) praising God that I am alive and well, I have Sheri, mom is still here and I am much more patient with her. 
I am not sure Matt is the one for me, but I believe he is the treasure I seek.

"So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness."
(COLOSSIANS 2:6-7)
Gardeners know deep roots yield healthy trees. Deep roots are less likely to be impacted by changes in the environment and more likely to help the tree withstand storms.
Trees are not alone in their need for deep, strong roots. And just as buildings must have solid foundations, we need to have deep roots. We must root ourselves in solid doctrine - biblical truth about who Jesus Christ is, what He has done for us, and who we are as a result.
Doctrine is not a popular word. It evokes thoughts of dry theology. But doctrine is simply knowing what we believe and why we believe it. With deep, strong roots, we are less likely to be deceived by human tradition and the principles of this world (Colossians 2:8). We need to sink our roots into the rich soil of the gospel of Jesus Christ - His substitutionary death, burial, and resurrection (I Corinthians 15:3-4).

father God, Shepherd, you promised no more physical or emotional struggles when you come again in the new jerusalem...............
many of the emotional struggles I bring upon myself as i do not have patience, relax and just trust you..... i dont know how to trust, to love you....sheri said it was a journey......
this coming new year will you take me on this journey so that instead of looking at you tend the sheep and just gazing with longing for your arms and love, i might really know it......Know it.

i have been more patient with mum....thank you I see it...... the eagerness and longing has made me look clingy and dependent to matt and if it is right he will realize what it is that i ask for.......  I somehow cannot leave that to you either and i so want to....badly. 

i dob not want to drive away, but stay confident and strong in you.......................  I just do not want to be alone, please Shepherd, I beg of You.

.Remedial Dating for the Chronologically Challenged

we’re talking here about communicating sincere, heartfelt admiration for qualities in your partner. It’s about identifying traits you value about the person you’re dating and expressing authentic appreciation.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Psychologists have identified a “secret” to wonderful relationships: Our love for another person is strongly influenced by how that individual makes us feel about ourselves. Since one of the most potent motivations in life is to feel good about ourselves, we will be drawn to a person who gives a boost to our self-esteem. Some may say this principle sounds self-centered and egocentric, but it is a basic fact of human nature. And indeed this can be a powerful positive force: couples with the best relationships are the ones who encourage, praise, and build up each other.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you are looking for a lasting and loving relationship, keep this principle front and center in your mind: When you help your lover feel great about himself or herself -- and use compliments to do so -- the love will return to you tenfold.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Above all, flirting is about standing out from the crowd in a playful, alluring way.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 “How to express your physical affection.” Either way, the point is: Teenagers kiss like their lives are at stake. They’d make out straight through an earthquake or a bomb blast rather than divert attention from their beloved. They consider every second together to be a stolen jewel the authorities are likely to confiscate at any moment, so they make the most of each one. Chances are, your previous relationship had mellowed into a comfortable coziness without much urgency. Don’t make the mistake of expecting your new romance to pick up where that one left off. Let your heart race like a giddy kid. Steal some delicious moments again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Young people are often exuberant and excessive in their expressions of love --and that’s part of the joy of youthful love. Just because you’re “older and wiser” doesn’t mean you have to be stuffy and restrained with your feelings. Go on—be a little flowery and fervent.

The Biggest Mistake Women Make

Once we meet a man we really like, we women tend to dive right in. We want to give our hearts, mind and very soul to a man, and meld together into a perfect relationship. We give away our exclusivity before a man gives us the commitment we want.

When we close off our options with other men too soon, we actually sabotage our ability to get the commitment and intimacy we so desire. It's the biggest mistake women make, and you need to stop it - right now! - and start dating many men at the same time until you have the commitment you want from the man who is right for you.

Here's why:

NO MORE NEEDY VIBE THAT PUSHES MEN AWAY

When you have all your hopes and dreams wrapped up in any one guy, it's natural to fear losing him...and losing you. You become obsessed with every phone call, jump when he says jump, and change from the attractive, interesting woman who intrigued him into someone needy and clingy he feels pressured to check in with. 

Instead, keep your options open to keep your sanity and remind him that you are a prize to be won. When you stop over-investing too quickly, you'll start getting the kind of affection and attention you crave.

HELPING YOU CHOOSE A PARTNER WISELY

It's hard to see the red flags when there is only one guy on the horizon. If you think he's your only hope, you tend to gloss over things about him that indicate he's a good match. These red flags become landmines over time, and suddenly you've wasted a lot of love and affection on someone who isn't deserving of you.

Dating is about getting to know different people until one special person emerges as the cream of the crop, and you both decide to take things to the next level. You get to CHOOSE if he is the right man for you, and have the time to find out who he is and how he will treat you.

THE RIGHT WAY TO TAKE THINGS SLOWLY

Everyone tells you to "take things slow," but how on Earth are you supposed to do that when you're head over heels for someone?  Easy:  keep dating other guys.  There's no point in trying to slow things down with a man when he's the only one you're dating.  It's practically impossible.

But if you keep dating other men, you are instantly able to take it slowly. Your schedule is busy with other dates and activities so that you're automatically not always available to any one man, and it also gives you time to catch your breath and reflect on what he is revealing to you about himself.  

OPENING THE DOOR FOR PLEASANT SURPRISES

I'm sure you've heard that you should "throw out the checklist" and not be too picky when it comes to men and dating.  But I'm here to tell you that if you throw out the idea of dating one man at a time, you have a much better chance of winding up with your checklist...and more.  By keeping your options open and increasing the number of men you meet and date, you increase the likelihood of meeting the man you've been dreaming of...rather than settling for whomever you happen to meet first.

SO DATE MANY MEN TO HELP YOU CHOOSE THE RIGHT ONE

Dating many men at the same time is about helping you feel empowered and raising your self esteem.  It's about making you the chooser...not the chaser.

So give it a try.  Just treat it as an experiment.  Open yourself up to getting to know as many men as you can and, when one shows up that you really connect with, don't make the mistake of shutting down other options right away.  Make him prove to you that he's worth choosing. I'm willing to bet it will get you faster to your "one" than you ever imagined.

I am going to see Tom

I was so impationet with mom, attempting to stand up....it was like she was NOT trying....I walk away if she is safe and come back ~~ I did so today but prior to it, I actually slapped her ass.  First time ever I have placed a hand on mom.  I feel sooooo bad about it.  There is no mark, not yet.

Always aside from loosing weight, which I never seem to have the will power for, tis a goal for this year, year 56.  This year I will have help from Nutrisystem and the "bar" for help.

God's love is strong sings Joe Foreman.
Feeling and knowing God's love is a journey says Sheri.
Fear, that is respect for character and authority, leads to obedience says Duet 10:12 and it is commanded in Micah 6:8.
Love flows out of deep gratitude for his love for me........  I don't know that love as i would like to experience it....not yet, it is a journey says Sheri.

This year I want to search and know God's love for me, so I might "Call my name, say it now
I want you to never doubt the love I have for you is so alive." ~~Jesus, Shepherd, Son of god, Saviour, Redeemer.

finding it hard to edit last post

"When you feel like youre alone in your sadness and it seems like no one in this world cares....
and you want to get away from the madness...
you call my name, i'll be there...
....its been so long since you felt like you were loved so what went wrong...
you know there is a place where you belong, in my arms....
Call my name, say it now
I want you to never doubt the love I have for you is so alive."

Sjeri really wants me to learn how to rech out for jesus and KNOW his love..... I told her I have a hard time.
"It's a journey....."

I told her I picture the Shepherd over there under the tree with his staff and the sheep grazing and all he and I do is look at each other, desiring, from my spot on top of the hill..... up yonder.

"I cannot reach him"
He will reach out for you........"  I must continue to go to him, cry out for him in my sadness and weariness, seek him...... it is a journey to feel the love i know is there. 

There is an 18 in seperation between my heart and head.......what I feeel and what I know.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gm-njPYvj4Q


Saw Sheri today..... brought sadness and weariness with me and the words of a song I heard this am........

"When you feel like youre alone in your sadness and it seems like no one in this world cares....
and you want to get away from the madness...
you call my name, i'll be there...

....its been so long since you felt like you were loved so what went wrong...
you know there is a place where you belong, in my arms....

Call my name, say it now
I want you to never doubt the love I have for you is so alive."

We discussed Tim a tad and how unemotionally attached he was and how much healthier I am without his weight around my neck.

I told I have been faithful in communicating with Matt, but he has not reciprocated and still looks..........
She brought up his age....

She brought up relocation and how I felt about it and she ended the topic by saying I have "depth" and "intensity" "ready for a committed relationship" and that I am "more than ready" to leave this place once mum is gone.

No one has described me like that.... yes I do want to hold deep conversations with my lover, to be able to share the great love I have stored for all these years with someone who is totally into me.............

I am weary and sad from the waiting and the longing, desiring and the looking.

I had my normal cry and went out a better person, loving more of me than I had going in.
The radio went on and moments later I heard...........

"He cries in the corner where nobody sees
He’s the kid with the story no one would believe
He prays every night, “Dear God won’t you please
Could you send someone here who will love me?”

Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me
‘Cause nobody has shown me what love
What love really means

Her office is shrinking a little each day
She’s the woman whose husband has run away
She’ll go to the gym after working today
Maybe if she was thinner
Then he would’ve stayed
And she says…

Who will love me for me?
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me?
‘Cause nobody has shown me what love, what love really means

He’s waiting to die as he sits all alone
He’s a man in a cell who regrets what he’s done
He utters a cry from the depths of his soul
“Oh Lord, forgive me, I want to go home”
Then he heard a voice somewhere deep inside
And it said

“I know you’ve murdered and I know you’ve lied
I have watched you suffer all of your life
And now that you’ll listen, I’ll tell you that I...”

I will love you for you
Not for what you have done or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love
The love that you never knew"
(JJ Heller)

.... I had to pull over and grieve cry, pull myself together and tell myself...today I have done something for myself, just me and now I go to buy my new cookware. If I do not do something for me, just because I deserve it, no one else will.

Will share with Matt

"Call My Name"   (Third Day)

It's been so long since you felt like you were loved
So what went wrong
But do you know there's a place where you belong
Here in my arms

When you feel like you're alone in your sadness
And it seems like no one in this whole world cares
And you want to get away from the madness
You just call my name and I'll be there
You just call my name and I'll be there

The pain inside has erased your hope for love
But soon you will find
That I'll give you all that your heart could ever want
And so much more

You just call my name
You just call my name

Call my name, say it now
I want you to never doubt
The love I have for you is so alive

Call my name, say it now
I want you to never doubt
The love I have for you is so alive

You just call my name
You just call my name
You just call my name now

The love I have for you is so alive
The love I have for you is so alive
You just call my name
You just call my name
You just call my name

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BjO1F6oCab8&NR=1

He didn't have to be be the dad he didn't need to be.

So much much I have had and been given, yet I want all that I never had........
the song makes me sad and hopeful at the same time.....that Matt might really be the man I want and need to love and he me.