Father God, I am not shaken by how angry i was and i know You are not.  And i know You are NOT punishing me,
“God has made us for Himself, and our hearts can never know rest and perfect satisfaction until they find it in Him.” 
― Hannah Hurnard

Father God, I am just raging inside of me !  First of all I have had no sleep just naps, with much half consciousness, for 2 days.  I feel like a fucking zombie.  WTF Lord ???

Then I let myself be vulnerable, hoping against all odds that one of them men I have emailed will truly take an interest.

YOU DO NOT WANT TO GIVE ME MY HEARTS DESIRE !!  YOU SUCK !!!

Yes that is how i feel right now and you know it anyway . . . . jus let me cry and why dont you just send a huge sign from heaven telling everyone THIS WOMAN IS NOT MEANT TO BE IN LOVE no matter how capable of love i have made her !!  I AM PUNISHING HER FOR ALL THE WRONG SHE HAS DONE BY DENYING HER HER HEARTS DESIRE.

i am so mad at you for leaving me like this in 2012.   what a fucking low blow !!!

those men on CHRISTIAN mingle are just as fucking clueless as men on CM are . . .. taunt an old woman.
men are fucking assholes

BBHH

I miss Becky . . . .miss what we had 20 yrs ago and for some reason, now that she is re-married, I am finally grieving that loss...the bond we had 20 yrs ago and have never had it again.

I dont seem to be grieving Gracie tho, maybe that time will come.  After all, it was only 2 yrs (07~09) . . .

The fudge recipe nailed it the other day

“Dear Human: 
You’ve got it all wrong. You didn’t come here to master unconditional love. That is where you came from and where you’ll return. You came here to learn personal love. Universal love. Messy love. Sweaty love. Crazy love. Broken love. Whole love. Infused with divinity. Lived through the grace of stumbling. Demonstrated through the beauty of… messing up. Often. You didn’t come here to be perfect. You already are. You came here to be gorgeously human. Flawed and fabulous. And then to rise again into remembering. But unconditional love? Stop telling that story. Love, in truth, doesn’t need ANY other adjectives. It doesn’t require modifiers. It doesn’t require the condition of perfection. It only asks that you show up. And do your best. That you stay present and feel fully. That you shine and fly and laugh and cry and hurt and heal and fall and get back up and play and work and live and die as YOU. It’s enough. It’s Plenty.”

Love, God.

(Courtney A. Walsh)

like sheep without a shepherd

He had compassion on them, because they were like sheep without a shepherd.

Mark 6:34, NIV

Jesus looked out at the approaching crowds and saw people who were seeking God but instead had received hundreds of manmade legal burdens.

He saw people who wanted truth but had received political posturing and religious platitudes from the Pharisees.

He saw people as more important than His own plans and need for rest.

He saw people not as an interruption, but as an opportunity to reveal His loving care and His Father's compassionate power to meet their deepest needs.

He saw people as sheep who needed a shepherd. He saw people as God saw them.

So he that goeth in to his neighbor’s wife; Whosoever toucheth her shall not be unpunished.

I think so often that Steve is someone special to God, he is not, I am special ~~ just as he is.  But God does not tolerate sin, in my life or his.  Long have I waited to hear that Steven's sin also will not go unpunished.

I cried when I received Sheri's response.

She wrote to me:
ElLois,  Maybe you should let them know.  They evidently don't see it or she wouldn't have posted that.  But be ready for her push back and defensiveness.  I just think they should at least try to see how much they've hurt you and abandoned you.  Just my thoughts....Sheri

I wrote to her:
Heidi wrote on Facebook:
It continually amazes me how those of us who call ourselves "Christians" treat each other. The Bible is pretty clear that we are to love, uplift, encourage fellow believers in Christ. God gives us lots of commands - NOT suggestions - how us Christians are to live. Our Pastor gave Steven and I an article a while ago that talked about how us Christians are the only ones who shoot their wounded and leave them for dead. Just wish we could all be on the same page - what an awesome testimony to the unsaved people of the world if they could truly see a difference in all of us!

Not once has she and Steven realized they have left me for THEIR WOUNDED DEAD.

Consider this . . . .

How awesome to consider that the Creator of the universe, unbound in time and space for all eternity, chose to be bound

by a woman's womb for nine months,

by the body of a man that knew weariness and hunger,

by a Roman cross, with His hands and feet pinned by spikes,

by a borrowed tomb . . .

Why? So that you and I might be set free from the problems that threaten to bind us and keep us from fulfilling God's intended purpose for our lives.

. . .  so I can be set free from what binds me . . . .
fear
abandonment
loss
rejection
being alone
selfishness
raw flesh desires
anger
unforgiveness . . . .

 . . .  he died the most degrading kind of execution of death, only to rise again . . .
so that no matter what cripples me ..... binds me can be used intentionally in my life?


What if all the trials in my life were God's mercies in disguise.

These [trials] have come so that your faith . . . may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.  1 Peter 1:7, NIV

What, or who, has . . .

turned on the tap of your tears,

and tossed you in your bed at night,

and preoccupied your waking thoughts,

and blackened your hopes for the future,

and broken your heart,

and wrenched an agonized "Why?" from your trembling lips?

To our heart-wrenched cries of Why? God's ultimate answer is, "Jesus," as He is glorified and magnified in our lives through our suffering. Trust Him. When guilt takes the edge off every joy . . .

when there are no answers to your questions . . .

trust Him when you don't understand.

Trust His heart.

Shepherd, you see my trembling tears and count each one as they fall from my checks and keep them . . ..
I sob for such such wonderful love, comfort and true security...... please make it go from my head to my heart and soul (my heart of hearts)

I am on God's mind....always

You may understand how you are called Christ's bride and His child, but you don't feel like that at all. Please consider that the Lord will use even these longing of your heart and these broken parts of your life to bring you out of the shadows, to show you that the reflection is not clear right now but will be one day when you are face to face with Jesus.

What does the omniscience of Christ mean to me personally? It means I have always been on His mind. Think of it: The most important Man in the universe has always been thinking of me! Wonder of wonders! I have never been out of His thoughts! Even as He hung on the cross, He was thinking of me by name! Dying for me by name! And when He was raised from the dead on that first Easter Sunday, He was raised with me on His mind!

I can read God chose me....ME, just a nobody, but to Him a somebody.
And that in Him I live and in Him I serve . . . . as I was created to do because
I was predestined to be conformed to the likeness of Jesus Christ.

I sent Helen Balough a simple birthday gift, a card, because I think about her with MS
and during my pity parties, I have no right.  Helen needs my prayers during those times(as well as others) instead of me being all pitiful.

I wrote:
I think of you often Helen and pray that you are doing well.

A friend of mine has a neighbor who has MS and he has been sicker lately. . . .  tis when I pray for you the most......  

The Lord also brings you to mind other times as well.  Sometimes even when I am having a self pity party.  !!

I think it would be great to get together when I come down to see Mary Papke..   I will let you know next time i come down and spend a few days with her.

She wrote back:
Thanks Ellois, I would love to get together with you two!! Just give me a heads up.  I am feeling pretty good, but this is my notoriously bad portion of the year, but so far so good!  Are you still working?? I did drop off facebook, all the political stuff just got to me.  So dissapointed in this election, but thankful God is in control.  Have you read the book "The Harbinger"  You cannot put it down.  If you have a kindle i think I can share it, but someone will need to show me how...
I don't like that you are feeling sad..it does come in waves sometimes doesn't it?   It doesn't happen too often to me, but there are days where I just need to stay in bed and read and listen to music.  I give myself permission to do so sometimes.  Life is hard, I love the Laura Story song you quote at the bottom of this email. 
I have a little more billing to do before I turn in...so good to hear from you, thank you for remembering my birthday, you are incredibly thoughtful and kind ElLois.
Love, Helen 


I wanted to send her a card.......  I care about her and Kathy and Annemarie and others....but I was so preoccupied and self absorbed that I did not know how to reach out to them and I was actually afraid of their options of me.  I never seemed to fit any click and always felt like an outsider.
But when Helen wrote me and did all those things for me before the reunion...she saw I had grown up and I was open to everyone.  That tending to mum was more important than a trip to Chicago for a reunion.

Has anyone ever said to me you are incredibly thoughtful and kind.  I dont think anyone in my entire life has said those words to me.   I weep.

I cried, as I ran into my bed, held my sheep, pinched close my eyes as the tears streamed down, calling out to my Shepherd and in my view was a barn like this...just almost like this......

I am lonely my Shepherd....very lonely and really do not know how to take care of myself.
I cant figure it out and I need your help.

Start with a shower in the morning ...
Come find Me . . . . 
and we will do it together. 

I always have a hard time praying....just getting on my knees or climbing into my "warm" spot and praying .. .  its like He already knows !

BUT :
Perhaps you are thinking that we need not bother to pray then, if He knows everything already. Not so. Jesus instructed us to pray, not because He needs it, but because we do.  We pray because it is natural for us to talk to our husband friend! Conversation is one means by which relationships grow. God loves to hear us pray and as we pray, He meets us and gives us His strength, peace and wisdom. As we reflect on His Word and pray to Him, we receive everything we need for "life and godliness" (2 Peter 1:3). We cannot weary Him with our sincere prayers. He always has time for us and always answers in ways that do us good and bring glory to His name. 

John says in 5: 13-15
this is the confidence we have in approaching God ~~
IF we ask anything according to his will
     He hears us
IF we know that He hears us, whatever we ask
     we know that we have what we asked of Him.


I read yesterday:

A small circular smudge began mysteriously appearing on our fridge door every day. I would wipe it off, but each day it re-appeared. I finally discovered that my husband was using the fridge door as a vertical prayer mat, leaning his head against it while filling the kettle for our morning tea. I never wiped that smudge off again! It reminds me how blessed I am to have a husband who is faithful in prayer for me. 

The Bible tells us that the prayers of a righteous man are effective....


I KNOW Mary D and Sheri spend time in prayer for me and I am so blessed to have them in my life.
I would be nice to have a husband to share my time with to love and be loved and pray for me . .  but God has not chosen that path for me.  Makes me sad.  Maybe I should do as He asks of me, and ask.

I would like a man who says this:


I'm of course looking for a woman that loves Christ. Someone to go to church with every week. A special person to worship God with. Someone to hold hands with and pray with.
When the day is done that is our most important bond.

Cindy wrote

Steve called on Wednesday evening.  Sounded like he was on a 'fishing' expedition.  We usually don't hear from him much.  We sent an ecard for his birthday.

Wanted to know if we heard from you and what our plans were for Thanksgiving.  He mentioned that Becky was getting remarried and seemed surprised that Don already knew and wanted to know who told us.  He said that they were doing a turkey on the 'Weber' like last year for Thanksgiving and had friends coming over to eat with them.  Don didn't ask if they were going to Becky's wedding or on what day they were cooking the turkey and Steve didn't volunteer any information.  He did say that he and Ben were going back to Guatemala this year to help in rebuilding houses for widows.  Something to do with their church.  Steve said he was not on Facebook anymore because it took up too much of his time. 

That's all.

Have a Wonderful Thanksgiving!

I replied
Interesting Cindy,

My therapist says I should not EXPECT to hear from him.  He wont return my emails and has not spoken to me, via email, when he threatened me about not having money to pay assoc fees and taxes, but told me he'd already paid with "my share" of the money.   He told me he had discussed how to handle it with you and Becky and Grace and some friends at church.  So nothing at Christmas but a small gift, no note, no card, no email; and prior to Christmas, Sept when he came.  He said he was angry with me that he did not know if he could ever forgive me.

But his wife can forgive him from adultery for the second time; and for the 2nd time almost left her.hjjjjjjjjjjjjjj79  oops that was kitty walking across my key borad.

Yes,  it took me a long time and lots of therapy to get over the shit I did, and even forgive myself for hurting not just the Lord, but myself and everyone else.   I am still attempting to forgive him .... from his withdrawal, as well as Becky's and Grace's, they all have not forgiven me.    Everyone of us has some thing in our lives that is/was a secret, something shameful, something God disapproved off, something that they did not want to come out....

I do feel like the scape goat.  There is a song....let me find it, hold on....

I can't believe what she said...

I can't believe what he did
Don't they know it's wrong?
Don't they know it's wrong?
Maybe there's something I missed?
But how could they treat me like this?
It's wearing out my heart
The way they disregard

This is love
This is hate
We all have a choice to make

Oh, Father won't You forgive them
They don't know what they've been doing
Oh Father, give me grace to forgive them
Cause I feel like the one losing

It's only the dead that can live
But still I wrestle with this
To lose the pain that's mine
Seventy times seven times
Lord it doesn't feel right
For me to turn a blind eye
But I guess it's not that much
When I think of what You've done.

This is love
This is hate... 
We gotta a choice to make

Oh Father won't You forgive them
They don't know what they've been doin' (oh no)
Oh Father, give me grace to forgive them
Cause I feel like the one losing

Why do we think that our hate's going change their heart
We're up in arms over wars that don't need to be fought
But pride won't let us lay our weapons on the ground
We build our bridges up but but just to burn them down
We think our pain is own apologies and then it'll stop
But truth be told it doesn't matter if they're sorry or not
Freedom comes when we surrender to the sound...
Of mercy and Your grace
Father, send Your angels down

Oh Father wont you forgive them
They don't know what they've been doing
Oh Father, give me grace to forgive them
Cause I feel like the one losing
I feel like I've been losing

Oh Father give me grace to forgive them...
Cause I feel like the one losing

I continued

It took me a while and a phone call to KLOVE, but that's it.
I still feel like I am loosing, a failure for what I did and the way everyone treats me.  I have reached out and in despair I receive nothing.  Sheri told do not EXPECT anything and that it is the enemy making me want to feel as if I am a failure.

Stephy is the only one who has anything to do with me.  Sometimes I think it is just pity, but I need to stop that.
After dad died, the only hugs that even mattered to me were Steve's.  I miss them.  When I moved in here and mom and I had it rough for a while, we did begin to love and forgive and give and trust each other.  I am so SO blessed to have known her like no one else did.  She was a precious woman,  I see/saw what other people saw in her; how blind I was for years.  I judged instead of accepted; wanted her to love me on my terms, nurture me as her daughter on my terms.  She wasnt a nurturer to us kids, she nurtured others, I resented that.    Forgiving was hard, accepting came easy after that.  I still miss her so much and many times I ask God for a friend, like her, to take her place.  But no one can, she was my mum.  Her quirks were coping mechanisms just like each of us have our own.

I am sorry for pouring out my heart, but I want Steve to call me cuase he loves me and forgives me . . . . I am jealous, not angry,

I am sorry if you werent ready for all that.  It just came out.  I dont need to send this email, I could trash it,

I am working on myself and healing, still grieving, but its time to take care of me.  I took care of others for so long.  Each day it is a struggle to take a shower and get dressed.  If I dont think about it, sometimes I just do it.  Admitting I needed help outside myself was hard for me.  Still is.  I am so thiankful I have Sheri.  Her dad just died and they were real close, so I know the pain she is in.

I will have a good thanksgiving.  I am going to Mary's for a few days.  She insisted.
May you guys and I could do Christmas together . . . .  ????

I just hope she doesnt take me email the wrong way, but realizes how hard this is for me

LETTER FROM A MOTHER TO A DAUGHTER:

"My dear girl, the day you see I’m getting old, I ask you to please be patient, but most of all, try to understand what I’m going through.

If when we talk, I repeat the same thing a thousand times, don’

t interrupt to say: “You said the same thing a minute ago”... Just listen, please. Try to remember the times when you were little and I would read the same story night after night until you would fall asleep.

When I don’t want to take a bath, don’t be mad and don’t embarrass me. Remember when I had to run after you making excuses and trying to get you to take a shower when you were just a girl?

When you see how ignorant I am when it comes to new technology, give me the time to learn and don’t look at me that way... remember, honey, I patiently taught you how to do many things like eating appropriately, getting dressed, combing your hair and dealing with life’s issues every day... the day you see I’m getting old, I ask you to please be patient, but most of all, try to understand what I’m going through.

If I occasionally lose track of what we’re talking about, give me the time to remember, and if I can’t, don’t be nervous, impatient or arrogant. Just know in your heart that the most important thing for me is to be with you.

And when my old, tired legs don’t let me move as quickly as before, give me your hand the same way that I offered mine to you when you first walked.

When those days come, don’t feel sad... just be with me, and understand me while I get to the end of my life with love.

I’ll cherish and thank you for the gift of time and joy we shared. With a big smile and the huge love I’ve always had for you, I just want to say, I love you... my darling daughter."

- Unknown

We live in a world awash in love stories. Most of them are lies. They are not love stories at all-they are lust stories, sex-fantasy stories, and domination stories. From the cradle we are fed on lies about love.  Ah yes, is this not the truth.

This would be bad enough if it only messed up human relationships-man and woman, parent and child, friend and friend - but it also messes up God-relationships. The huge, mountainous reality of all existence is that God is love, that God loves the world. Each single detail of the real world that we face and deal with day after day is permeated by this love.  It's esp tough growing up when you have no example of a true love relationship with your dad or mom.

But when our minds and imaginations are crippled with lies about love, we have a hard time understanding this fundamental ingredient of daily living, "love," either as a noun or as a verb. And if the basic orienting phrase "God is love" is plastered over with cultural graffiti that obscure and deface the truth of the way the world is, we are not going to get very far in living well. We require true stories of love if we are to live truly.  or truly love, they way God wants.

Hosea is the prophet of love, but not love as we imagine or fantasize it.  He was a parable of God's love for his people lived out as God revealed and enacted it-a lived parable. It is an astonishing story: a prophet commanded to marry a common whore and have children with her. It is an even more astonishing message: 888 God loves us in just this way - goes after us at our worst, keeps after us until he gets us, and makes lovers of men and women who know nothing of real love. Once we absorb this story and the words that flow from it, we will know God far more accurately. 888 And we will be well on our way to being cured of all the sentimentalized, and neurotic distortions of love that incapacitate us from dealing with the God who loves us and loving the neighbors who don't love us.

~~ intro to Hosea in The Message

We, too, are prostitutes in a wedding dress. We are prostitutes in God's eyes, since spiritually we run after other "husbands," lusting for what idols offer us-fame, fun, money, or respect from the "in crowd."   A. . . a man who neither know nor loves God ~~ how can he surely know and love me??

. . . but only our husband Jesus truly purifies us, washing our hearts clean and clothing us in His white robe of perfection. "You were adorned with gold and silver, and your clothing was of fine linen and silk and embroidered cloth... You grew exceedingly beautiful and advanced to royalty" (Ezekiel 16:13). I need ONLY a love relationship with my God, Saviour, Redeemer, Shepherd.

. . . then I will marry you for good ~ forever.   I'll love you truly and proper, in love and tenderness.

Yes, I'll marry you and neither you leave you nor let you go.

You'll know me, God, for who I really am.

. . . I'll say to Nobody, "you are my dear Somebody,

and they say "You're my God."

~~ Hosea 2: 19-20, 23

Boy this is A LOT to take in and understand . . . 

I have been concerned for a very long time, more than a year now, about my relationship with Grace, Steve and Becky. As well as with Amelia and Ben.  All adults.  They do not contact me, and I do not contact them because I know they dont want to hear from me.  I love them very much and wish for their companionship and communication.  I sent a letter of apology to Grace (about the frame and picture), I write on Heidi and Ben's facebook page, but they never say anything in return or even respond to any of my posts.
Becky took me to the hospital cause Steph and Matt could not...it was very ackward.  She gets married Thanksgiving....2 weeks and I know I will not be invited, but Steve and Heidi will come.

I totally agree with the following statement with tears falling down my face....
Too often feelings of indifference, resentment, and jealousy rule our relationships. 

This is how it is supposed to be...I wonder if any of my sibs see this as I do in the light of God's word.
We are new people who have a new ability to love, because "we live in Him and He lives in us." John isn't telling hopeless sinners to love hopeless sinners; he's telling Spirit-birthed children to love Spirit-birthed children.

Jesus knew the Samaritan woman who met Him at the well had searched for satisfaction and come up short. He knew her heart was empty, without love or self-worth or meaning or fulfillment or happiness. And so He gently pointed out to her......but Jesus was speaking to her heart. 

All those who look to draw their satisfaction from the wells of the world-pleasure, popularity, position, possessions, politics, power, prestige, finances, family, friends, fame, fortune, career, children, church, clubs, sports, sex, success, recognition, reputation, religion, education, entertainment, exercise, honors, health, hobbies - will soon be thirsty again!

If you look for deep, lasting satisfaction from any of these wells the world offers, you're wasting your time. You need to be filled with the Living Water of Jesus Christ.

 Oh my Shepherd fill me with more than a need for a companion, the approval of my family, things I dont need, signs of success....I need to have a deep satisfaction in you, regardless of what I think my worth is.

Another reason to keep my divine appt and go to church on Sundays:

Like a boat that would be tossed endlessly and aimlessly and dangerously on the open sea without an anchor, we need to anchor our lives as well. That anchor is devotion to God. God worked for six days during that first "week" then rested on the seventh: "And God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it he rested from all the work of creating that he had done" (Gen. 2:3, NIV). The word holy means "set apart," or different from ordinary things.

From the law in Exodus we know one reason for this day of devotion is to ensure that we do not get too far away from God's pattern. If one out of every seven days we are anchored by our focus on Him, we are less likely to drift from Him. On the other hand, if one day each week is not spent in giving Him our attention, we are more likely to put Him further and further away from our thoughts until we do not seriously think of Him at all, and we end up being tossed about on the sea of life only to wind up being smashed and broken on the rocks when a storm hits.

Drop your anchor - keep your focus on Him!

Sunday's divine appt

I guess the Shepherd is trying to tell me that I belong in only one place on Sunday morning.
With or without Elizabeth.


One way we "grow up in our salvation" and take in this "pure spiritual milk" is by gathering as a congregation to hear faithful, biblical preaching. We are a family after all, and each of us is equally dependent on the eternal Word for our salvation and our growth. Is it any wonder that Peter urges us to "crave" it? 

Have you ever thought of going to church as a divine appointment? . . . 

That Jesus is patiently, personally waiting to meet with you there?

What a difference it would make in our attitude of expectancy and our habit of consistency 

if we truly wrapped our hearts around the knowledge that each is a divine appointment, 

that Jesus Himself is waiting to meet with us.

I also have a divine appt today to vote.

grace

God's grace invites you to change your attitude about yourself and take sides with God against feelings of rejection. -Max #GRACEthebook

despondent

I am a wondering sheep Lord.... have been all week and you have seen me, felt me, urged me.....I dont wander away, I wonder into my hiding place under the thicket of brush where you can find me and you long for me to come out as your arms and eyes long for me . . . .Im stuck and am content to be here...its like an old worn out warm blanket that I can hold close to me and find comfort in.

. . . .  constant efforts and failures made my life a dizzy cycle of doubt. I finally wept . . . .  "I just can't keep my commitment to God!" . . . . . . : "The Christian life isn't about you making a commitment to God; it's about God making a commitment to you." 

Wow! What relief! God wasn't my frowning task-master. He was my heavenly Father, forever holding me in His strong hand. His perfect plans - not my self-centered list - would come by His grace. The person I was meant to be would be accomplished by His work. 



John 10:25-30   My sheep . . . are protected from the Destroyer . .  .No one can steal them from out of My hand. The Father who put them under My care is so much greater than the Destroyer and Thief . . .

Is 2: 22  Quit scraping and fawning over mere humans (Mark, Matt), so full of themselves . . .  cant you see there's nothing to them? (compared to the Shepherd)

Seems like all I could see was the struggle
Haunted by ghosts that lived in my past
Bound up in shackles of all my failures
Wondering how long is this gonna last
Then You look at this prisoner and say to me 
“Son, stop fighting a fight that's already been won”

(Chorus)
I am redeemed
You set me free
So I'll shake off theses heavy chains
And wipe away every stain 
Now I'm not who I used to be
I am redeemed
I am redeemed

All my life I have been called unworthy
Named by the voice of my shame and regret
But when I hear You whisper, “Child lift up your head”
I remember oh God, You're not done with me yet

Chorus

I don't have to be 
The old man inside of me
'Cause his day is long dead and gone
Because I've got a new name
A new life I'm not the same
And a hope that will carry me home

I am in despair over Mark ignoring me..... it is annoying, belittling, frustrating . . . .
and he does mean something to me . . . .  I am a fool if it has all been a lie.


I long to be a different kind of person...but no matter how I try, I fail.
My goodness isnt consistent
my will power isnt strong enough
At best, I am frustrated; at worst, despairing.

It's Wed and I have not heard from Mark since Friday.
I feel like I have been "taken" again......  so i will just pretend I have not wasted my time but only grown wiser.  Feel foolish, but I do trust and take too much risk.  Keep it in reality . . . . no one wants me there either, so face it.....  I need to take my Shepherd's hand and walk ONLY with Him.

My second time at Curves is coming up.  yesterday my knee felt the weirdest then of course the worst it has felt, "that" way.  I did hear it crack when taking off my shoes.  am not sure what that was all about....but this am I wake at 8 to find the dude with the leaf blower (truly) at my window as I sit there in a nightgown, and my knee is back to normal.

Have decided to give Don and Cindy a framed photo (of something) ~~ hoping they enjoy it.
I should write to them..... just because I am sister and they seem to be the only family that has not turned their back.
I do admit Becky nervously (as evidenced by the lack of ability to endure the silence)  took me to the hospital.

Off to wirte and update Cindy and Don....then get dressed and go to Curves.

I am grateful I have a Shepherd, Heavenly Father, God Almighty, Jesus Redeemer. .  .
who / which ~~~~~~~~ 

He is jealous for me 
Loves like a hurricane 
I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy

When all of a sudden
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
And I realize just how beautiful You are
And how great Your affections are for me

And oh, how He loves us so
Oh how He loves us
How He loves us all
Yeah, He loves us
Oh how He loves us
Oh how He loves us
Oh how He loves

And we are His portion and 
He is our prize 
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes 
If His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking 
And Heaven meets Earth like an unforeseen kiss 
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest

I don't have time to maintain these regrets When I think about, the way..



because I cannot count on Mark being who I want nor need..... I must carry on without that hope, but REALIZE I have someone far better... as described in the David Crowder Band song

Ah yes, now add this perspective . . . 

Jesus Christ is the One by Whom, for Whom, through Whom everything was made. Therefore, He knows what's wrong in your life and how to fix it. Let Him take charge. Give Him the authority to put it right.

I read on the wall. DELIGHT YOURSELF IN THE LORD.......

I read, underline.... mutely pray in my mind some vague words... feel warmed by the music on KLOVE........  but I am NOT delighting myself in the Lord......  

God I am so pathetic......  so lost..... I do, I want you to be my everything...but this man who I have never met and who could be my grandson is up into my mind.....  I just wrote him:

. . my mind. . . is so full of you, I feel crippled to do anything, think of anything else, be 100% productive.

If I've made you a monster filled with desire.....

you have made me a woman who thinks of nothing else but you.....

I am so pathetic...you made me this way by the m

 

Please how do I cleanse my mind and go forward...??  I just cant get past this want, knowing

I FEEL LIKE I AM WAITING FOR SOMETHING THAT ISNT GOING TO HAPPEN

Find me here, 
And speak to me. 
I want to feel you, 
I need to hear you. 
You are the light, 
That's leading me, 
To the place, 
Where I find peace again. 

You are the strength, 
That keeps me walking. 
You are the hope, 
That keeps me trusting. 
You are the light,
To my soul.
You are my purpose, 
You're everything. 

How can I stand here with you, 
And not be moved by you? 
Would you tell me, 
How could it be, 
Any better than this? 

You calm the storms, 
And you give me rest. 
You hold me in your hands, 
You won't let me fall. 
You steal my heart, 
And you take my breath away. 
Would you take me in, 
Take me deeper now. 

And how can I stand here with you, 
And not be moved by you? 
Would you tell me, 
How could it be, 
Any better than this? 

I will not forget you. See, I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands.

Isaiah 49:15-16, NKJV

Noah was totally helpless to change his situation. There was nothing he could do except to stay on the ark and tend to the needs of his family and those of the animals until God in some way brought deliverance. He had to keep his faith in God while simply waiting out the silence that followed the storm.

Although He had been silent, God had not forgotten Noah. In fact, since Noah and his family were the only living persons on the face of the earth, we can be sure they had God's total, undivided attention every moment.

Do you think God's silence in your life means He has forgotten you? Oh, no! God says He has engraved your name on the palms of His hands. He says that a mother could forget her nursing baby at mealtime before He could forget you! You are in God's heart and on His mind every moment. He is fully informed of your circumstances and will bring about change when He knows the time is right.

I wrote to Mark . . . . I hope how it gets it.....

When I am bored or have time to waste and have opportunity, I browse through pins on Pinterest.

Excellent crafty/fix things up suggestions.

Recipes I want to try.

I check photography out.

all kinds of stuff . . . . .

Last night I found this one . . . .  I cried myself to sleep because this all seems surreal too me. 

You and me.

Why?  The only things I know about you is your desire to control me and fuck me; you are Matt's nephew, your cousin died, you have a mom, you live somewhere in OK (probably Tulsa area), you once worked in an oil refinery,  . . . . . much of that I trust to be true., and you wont answer personal questions about yourself. . . .  its like you wont even acknowledge them~ only rarely.

I know that you have a truck, sold a boat, agonized over your cousin dying, screwed a high school friend 3 months ago, that your mom is "ok" with your woman being (probably) older than she is.

I have no idea really what Matt told you about me...tis why I send/share my silly life with you.

If this isn't real, I will go crashing down into a very dark black hole.

I have been so open and vulnerable with a man who I have never seen nor heard his voice.

>>>>Then last night I had one of my reoccurring dreams .. . . . .  I find myself back in Zimbabwe at Karanda, desperately hoping to fit in. . . .   my therapist once told me because it is a period of my life that meant something to me and I was truly happy. truly serving humanity, truly free and fulfilled.  I want to return so badly....but life doesnt seem to make it possible.<<<<<

i told you last week or so, I need more.  Not more time talking about how you will use me and how your desires have overwhelmed you... Ya know, I get that !  I need to know more about you . . . . your willingness to share with me..... answering my questions when I do ask them.

your favorite football team

where you work

your goal for 2 years from now

what you do on your weekend . . . (you rarely contact me)

... in your evenings (you never contact me)

a n y t h i n g.    

You have been open and vulnerable about your desires, even sending me a photo. . . .  but you have alife  you have not shared with me.

OK, I am a big girl now, I need to dry the tears, take a shower and take care of some things. 

http://pinterest.com/pin/114349278009797562/