I wrote to Mary, but realized my letter was also a prayer to my Shepherd.

I so appreciate that I can read my Bible with a clear mind and heart....  I was so wanting to when I was at your house, i felt like I lost 2 weeks of time with my Lord. . . .  but I really had not.    I knew that each time I snuggled with my sheep, my Shepherd knew what I needed....I just lacked the passion to believe.  I read this this morning and it spoke to me in such a wonderful way ~~~~ (3 different versions)

21 Jesus asked the boy's father, "How long has he been like this?""From childhood," he answered.  22 "It has often thrown him into fire or water to kill him. But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us."

23 "'If you can'?" said Jesus. "Everything is possible for one who believes."

24 Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"

NIV

23 Jesus said, "If? There are no 'ifs' among believers. Anything can happen."

24 No sooner were the words out of his mouth than the father cried, "Then I believe. Help me with my doubts!"

The Message

At once the father of the boy gave [an eager, piercing, inarticulate] cry with tears, and he said, Lord, I believe! [Constantly] help my weakness of faithhe boy gave [an eager, piercing, inarticulate] cry with tears, and he said, Lord, I believe! [Constantly] help my weakness of faith

Amplified

I remember one day, in all the days of darkness and doubt before I got Medicaid and knew Disability was hopefully on the way as well... that i desperately cried and said "I am so sorry for my doubts and unbelief in You helping me Lord"..... I just could not see past the valley thick with horror that my Shepherd was right there with me and He had me in His arms . . . . just like when i got out of surgery and for those 3 1/2 weeks that were so terribly hard.

I read the devotional this morning~~ ". . . .the man's faith had taken a beating, so he began his request with, "If you can...."

If. Endless possibility is wrapped in that tiny word... possibility accessed by faith in the One who makes all things possible. At Jesus' prompt, the father recognized his own limitations. "Help me overcome my unbelief!" 
Like the disciples, we may spend just enough time with Jesus to think we have all we need to handle anything that comes our way. But all things are possible only when we recognize the limits of our own abilities and rely on His power to do the impossible." 

My faith and belief in God's sovereignty had taken a beating and for far too long.......

God justifies us at the moment of new birth by declaring us righteous. But for the rest of our earthly lives, the Holy Spirit works to sanctify us - to make us more like Christ in our thoughts, words, and deeds. As we grow in the grace and knowledge of the Lord (2 Peter 3:18), we understand more of His Word; our trust in Him increases. 

Like this blind man, the Lord's touch in our lives brings increasing clarity to our spiritual sight until we, too, can "see clearly."




Trust in Him increases.  Sometimes I want to feel and handle trust.  I trust freely and wonder why I then hold it so tightly from whom I really need to trust, my Shepherd.

I trust Mark, yet I do not...not until he sees the whole picture, and am sure he will stay.
I really do not know anything about him..... sometimes I wonder if I chat/email with Matt and its still a cruel joke.

I want so much for him to know my Shepherd.  I have even prayed he wasnt Mormon, since there are a lot of Mormons in OK.  He gives me snatches // morsels of himself and goes away.

I know that is what I do with my Shepherd.
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  wrong of me...but right now that is all I have as if the valley I am stuck in right now has created a small garden where I rest...but the garden is fall and/autumn and it is distressing without sunshine.

Michael W. Smith

‎"When you're down and out
When you're on the street
When evening falls so hard
I will comfort you
I'll take your part, when darkness comes
And pain is all around
Like a bridge over troubled water"...from Bridge Over Troubled Water on HEALING RAIN (written by Paul Simon)

"David strengthened himself in the Lord his God." 1 Sam. 30:6 --

 God meets our deepest needs and calms our greatest fears.

As God is at work in our lives, we can draw conclusions based on our limited view. But those inferences will often be wrong. Right conclusions will be based on the truth of who God is, not on who we think He is. 

Our world is looking for love. As human beings, we need to love and be loved. But we're looking in all the wrong places. We look for it from a parent,

from a child,

from a spouse,

from a friend,

But our parents grow old and die,

our children grow up and live their own lives,

our spouses are too busy or too tired,

our friends are superficial or selfish.

Who can truly understand the need of the human heart? Who can meet the need of our hearts? Where is love found?

Love is found in the heart of God.

We love Him because He first loved us.

1 John 4:19, NKJV

Mary just texted me saying "Let the earth and all that is in it Praise the Lord.  BLESS THE LORD OH MY SOUL.  All my being bless His most Holy name."

She does seem to live in the "perfect present."

I just never want Mary to think that her good deeds and her words will get her to heaven.
I truly believe she is another lamb. . . . in my heart, deep in my soul as I wrote that, I know she is.

How so many can draw wrong conclusions regarding the whole sweep of Catholics is beyond me.

Personally, God knows how judgmental I am towards others and how prejudice I am.
Once again, I draw wrong conclusions.

During my trials of doubt and obsessive guilt in the valley of despair, God proved Himself to me so often, yes I still lacked belief, faith and trust.  He sheltered and carried me, yet I seemed always to see the mountain of crap instead of the love and care, the presence and comfort.  I even missed so often the fact that no matter what He felt what I felt and had the same emotions, yet He was the comforter (came along side) if only I had rested.  Instead I fought.

And now I still fight for will power, motivation, some special energy to do waht I must with what I know is a must. Organize present finances and calender, clean the kitchen, do laundry and sort tax stuff, preparing it for Bass, as soon as possible.  ALL I HAVE TO DO IS DO IT!!

Talked with Cheryl.  Larry is being selfish again and visiting a friend in FL by himself (when they could go to NY) and she has been free this week. . . . she never told me.
But we are going to dinner tonight . . .  Red Lobster!  WOW !  A VERY special treat for me.

Texted Alley to see if she working, if so will ask for her table and leave a $10 tip (base).  She told me last time that 20% is the going tip rate.  I did not know that.

I also applied for several care.com jobs . . . . time to be busy.  My commitment to Alley still stands.
Lord I want to be a blessing with each job I have.....please allow me to be such.

Now on to Mark. I have not heard from him since the 16th which seems like days ago.  An Eternity.  But I continue to share.  I want to share Jesus with him as well.  I know he goes to church but what kind and his beliefs?  I have no idea.  he doesnt tell me much about himself.  Most men dont.

When you are overwhelmed by burdens or depression, you have His presence. (Isa. 43:2)

for when i am depressed.

Sheri has on many occasions told me that my Shepherd feels my feelings, knows them and comes a long of me and feels what I feel.  This is hard to comprehend.  But I have read lately that Jesus wept when his friend died. And Scripture only one other time mentions that He wept.  "He knows my needs, all my needs....." He felt power from within released when the woman touched only the hem of His cloak.  What is that?  Am I not always reaching for just the hem of His cloak?  I go to our secret place and I have to hug my sheep just to know He is with me, knows my feelings and is as near as each breath.  So hard to comprehend.

In all their distress, he too was distressed; . . . he lifted them up and carried them.

Isaiah 63:9, NIV

The solution to loneliness is not to give in or give up~or do what everyone else does~or go where everyone else goes~or look like and speak like and think like and act like the world around you so you won't stand out so sharply from the crowd. The solution is not to withdraw (or isolate) into an uninvolved, inactive life. The solution is found when you discover meaning in the midst of loneliness as God Himself SHARES your londliness while you walk with Him and work for Him.
Two thousand years ago another solitary figure stood out in history. He stood alone against all the visible and invisible forces of evil in the universe. The sin of all mankind was placed upon Him as He walked to the place of sacrifice, carrying His own means of execution. He was betrayed by one of His best friends and denied by another. Not one person stood with Him-not the blind man to whom He had given sight, not the deaf man to whom He had given hearing, not the lame man to whom He had given strength. He was crucified  on a Roman cross, lone ... so that I need never be alone ever-again.

So hard to comprehend.  I am being remind of this, lately, all the time.  On the days I wont get dressed, the days I only ice my knee after therapy and in the mornings, when I dont or cant accomplish much, let alone the dishes.  What would I do if my Shepherd were here in person?

I dont see him in cloaks, but in wollen pants and an aussy outback coat.

I love the picture of Him with the children:

I love this because this is how I want Him to be with me...... with Emily....for us to realize that we are His and he does smile and care for us. . . . deeply.