It's Wed and I have not heard from Mark since Friday.
I feel like I have been "taken" again......  so i will just pretend I have not wasted my time but only grown wiser.  Feel foolish, but I do trust and take too much risk.  Keep it in reality . . . . no one wants me there either, so face it.....  I need to take my Shepherd's hand and walk ONLY with Him.

My second time at Curves is coming up.  yesterday my knee felt the weirdest then of course the worst it has felt, "that" way.  I did hear it crack when taking off my shoes.  am not sure what that was all about....but this am I wake at 8 to find the dude with the leaf blower (truly) at my window as I sit there in a nightgown, and my knee is back to normal.

Have decided to give Don and Cindy a framed photo (of something) ~~ hoping they enjoy it.
I should write to them..... just because I am sister and they seem to be the only family that has not turned their back.
I do admit Becky nervously (as evidenced by the lack of ability to endure the silence)  took me to the hospital.

Off to wirte and update Cindy and Don....then get dressed and go to Curves.

I am grateful I have a Shepherd, Heavenly Father, God Almighty, Jesus Redeemer. .  .
who / which ~~~~~~~~ 

He is jealous for me 
Loves like a hurricane 
I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy

When all of a sudden
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
And I realize just how beautiful You are
And how great Your affections are for me

And oh, how He loves us so
Oh how He loves us
How He loves us all
Yeah, He loves us
Oh how He loves us
Oh how He loves us
Oh how He loves

And we are His portion and 
He is our prize 
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes 
If His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking 
And Heaven meets Earth like an unforeseen kiss 
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest

I don't have time to maintain these regrets When I think about, the way..



because I cannot count on Mark being who I want nor need..... I must carry on without that hope, but REALIZE I have someone far better... as described in the David Crowder Band song

Ah yes, now add this perspective . . . 

Jesus Christ is the One by Whom, for Whom, through Whom everything was made. Therefore, He knows what's wrong in your life and how to fix it. Let Him take charge. Give Him the authority to put it right.

I read on the wall. DELIGHT YOURSELF IN THE LORD.......

I read, underline.... mutely pray in my mind some vague words... feel warmed by the music on KLOVE........  but I am NOT delighting myself in the Lord......  

God I am so pathetic......  so lost..... I do, I want you to be my everything...but this man who I have never met and who could be my grandson is up into my mind.....  I just wrote him:

. . my mind. . . is so full of you, I feel crippled to do anything, think of anything else, be 100% productive.

If I've made you a monster filled with desire.....

you have made me a woman who thinks of nothing else but you.....

I am so pathetic...you made me this way by the m

 

Please how do I cleanse my mind and go forward...??  I just cant get past this want, knowing

I FEEL LIKE I AM WAITING FOR SOMETHING THAT ISNT GOING TO HAPPEN

Find me here, 
And speak to me. 
I want to feel you, 
I need to hear you. 
You are the light, 
That's leading me, 
To the place, 
Where I find peace again. 

You are the strength, 
That keeps me walking. 
You are the hope, 
That keeps me trusting. 
You are the light,
To my soul.
You are my purpose, 
You're everything. 

How can I stand here with you, 
And not be moved by you? 
Would you tell me, 
How could it be, 
Any better than this? 

You calm the storms, 
And you give me rest. 
You hold me in your hands, 
You won't let me fall. 
You steal my heart, 
And you take my breath away. 
Would you take me in, 
Take me deeper now. 

And how can I stand here with you, 
And not be moved by you? 
Would you tell me, 
How could it be, 
Any better than this? 

I will not forget you. See, I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands.

Isaiah 49:15-16, NKJV

Noah was totally helpless to change his situation. There was nothing he could do except to stay on the ark and tend to the needs of his family and those of the animals until God in some way brought deliverance. He had to keep his faith in God while simply waiting out the silence that followed the storm.

Although He had been silent, God had not forgotten Noah. In fact, since Noah and his family were the only living persons on the face of the earth, we can be sure they had God's total, undivided attention every moment.

Do you think God's silence in your life means He has forgotten you? Oh, no! God says He has engraved your name on the palms of His hands. He says that a mother could forget her nursing baby at mealtime before He could forget you! You are in God's heart and on His mind every moment. He is fully informed of your circumstances and will bring about change when He knows the time is right.

I wrote to Mark . . . . I hope how it gets it.....

When I am bored or have time to waste and have opportunity, I browse through pins on Pinterest.

Excellent crafty/fix things up suggestions.

Recipes I want to try.

I check photography out.

all kinds of stuff . . . . .

Last night I found this one . . . .  I cried myself to sleep because this all seems surreal too me. 

You and me.

Why?  The only things I know about you is your desire to control me and fuck me; you are Matt's nephew, your cousin died, you have a mom, you live somewhere in OK (probably Tulsa area), you once worked in an oil refinery,  . . . . . much of that I trust to be true., and you wont answer personal questions about yourself. . . .  its like you wont even acknowledge them~ only rarely.

I know that you have a truck, sold a boat, agonized over your cousin dying, screwed a high school friend 3 months ago, that your mom is "ok" with your woman being (probably) older than she is.

I have no idea really what Matt told you about me...tis why I send/share my silly life with you.

If this isn't real, I will go crashing down into a very dark black hole.

I have been so open and vulnerable with a man who I have never seen nor heard his voice.

>>>>Then last night I had one of my reoccurring dreams .. . . . .  I find myself back in Zimbabwe at Karanda, desperately hoping to fit in. . . .   my therapist once told me because it is a period of my life that meant something to me and I was truly happy. truly serving humanity, truly free and fulfilled.  I want to return so badly....but life doesnt seem to make it possible.<<<<<

i told you last week or so, I need more.  Not more time talking about how you will use me and how your desires have overwhelmed you... Ya know, I get that !  I need to know more about you . . . . your willingness to share with me..... answering my questions when I do ask them.

your favorite football team

where you work

your goal for 2 years from now

what you do on your weekend . . . (you rarely contact me)

... in your evenings (you never contact me)

a n y t h i n g.    

You have been open and vulnerable about your desires, even sending me a photo. . . .  but you have alife  you have not shared with me.

OK, I am a big girl now, I need to dry the tears, take a shower and take care of some things. 

http://pinterest.com/pin/114349278009797562/

I wrote to Mary, but realized my letter was also a prayer to my Shepherd.

I so appreciate that I can read my Bible with a clear mind and heart....  I was so wanting to when I was at your house, i felt like I lost 2 weeks of time with my Lord. . . .  but I really had not.    I knew that each time I snuggled with my sheep, my Shepherd knew what I needed....I just lacked the passion to believe.  I read this this morning and it spoke to me in such a wonderful way ~~~~ (3 different versions)

21 Jesus asked the boy's father, "How long has he been like this?""From childhood," he answered.  22 "It has often thrown him into fire or water to kill him. But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us."

23 "'If you can'?" said Jesus. "Everything is possible for one who believes."

24 Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"

NIV

23 Jesus said, "If? There are no 'ifs' among believers. Anything can happen."

24 No sooner were the words out of his mouth than the father cried, "Then I believe. Help me with my doubts!"

The Message

At once the father of the boy gave [an eager, piercing, inarticulate] cry with tears, and he said, Lord, I believe! [Constantly] help my weakness of faithhe boy gave [an eager, piercing, inarticulate] cry with tears, and he said, Lord, I believe! [Constantly] help my weakness of faith

Amplified

I remember one day, in all the days of darkness and doubt before I got Medicaid and knew Disability was hopefully on the way as well... that i desperately cried and said "I am so sorry for my doubts and unbelief in You helping me Lord"..... I just could not see past the valley thick with horror that my Shepherd was right there with me and He had me in His arms . . . . just like when i got out of surgery and for those 3 1/2 weeks that were so terribly hard.

I read the devotional this morning~~ ". . . .the man's faith had taken a beating, so he began his request with, "If you can...."

If. Endless possibility is wrapped in that tiny word... possibility accessed by faith in the One who makes all things possible. At Jesus' prompt, the father recognized his own limitations. "Help me overcome my unbelief!" 
Like the disciples, we may spend just enough time with Jesus to think we have all we need to handle anything that comes our way. But all things are possible only when we recognize the limits of our own abilities and rely on His power to do the impossible." 

My faith and belief in God's sovereignty had taken a beating and for far too long.......