I was thinking this the other day...... I was stronger until I let men into my life.
Stronger emotionally. spiritually, physically and definately happier. I let men in.... God still had no plans for men in my life at the time.
Why I thought Collen was the one for me I will never ever know. Dysfunctional behaviour was the sin.
Now I see that.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
. . . shamed . . .
I felt criticized by Tim and then shame ...
for something in a dream I had...my ability to shape up undisciplined kids, whose nanny (sort of) I was.
I was hurt...very much so. I felt shamed and inadequate to be a "gf" let alone someone loveable or able to do anything but be controlled by how others felt about me.
So I called him back and he told me he didn't mean to have me feel that way. It's just that if a person isn't trained by age 5 or 6 "it ain't gonna happen." While I realize this...it was a dream.
A dream where the out come was one where the man cared for me.....very differently than Tim.
See other blog for dream.
for something in a dream I had...my ability to shape up undisciplined kids, whose nanny (sort of) I was.
I was hurt...very much so. I felt shamed and inadequate to be a "gf" let alone someone loveable or able to do anything but be controlled by how others felt about me.
So I called him back and he told me he didn't mean to have me feel that way. It's just that if a person isn't trained by age 5 or 6 "it ain't gonna happen." While I realize this...it was a dream.
A dream where the out come was one where the man cared for me.....very differently than Tim.
See other blog for dream.
To Tim I wrote:
One of my dysfunctional behaviours is isolating/avoiding/aloneness . . .. . . once again Sheri said:
The opposite of love is aloneness.
I beg and plead for just a bit of love from those that I think matter to me and it means not feeling alone when with them, being intimately attached emotionally, always welcome and accepted by them and all the other warm human emotions we attach to someone whose time and attention we value.
Much like a cat or dog gives to its owner.
Every human being is born with innate deep longings that are of love, security/safety, understanding, purpose, significance and belonging. When one or more of these deep longings are not available, there is deep wounding.
The author of the book we are using, Terry Wardle and Sheri know first hand the struggle I have maintained either in the background or head on since the age of 3. The age I acutely remember being conditionally or totally unloved, misunderstand as a mere child, without significance, brushed aside in purpose and not safe in the presence of one parent or the other or both (as when they fought so).
I want to take a big step and work on ~~ surrendering control of my feelings or emotions in what others say to me or how they feel about me, which puts me in great distress and emotional turmoil.
When you "criticize" and remind me of this, I shrink back in pain and it triggers shame.
I thought I would share this with you tonight.
One of my dysfunctional behaviours is isolating/avoiding/aloneness . . .. . . once again Sheri said:
The opposite of love is aloneness.
I beg and plead for just a bit of love from those that I think matter to me and it means not feeling alone when with them, being intimately attached emotionally, always welcome and accepted by them and all the other warm human emotions we attach to someone whose time and attention we value.
Much like a cat or dog gives to its owner.
Every human being is born with innate deep longings that are of love, security/safety, understanding, purpose, significance and belonging. When one or more of these deep longings are not available, there is deep wounding.
The author of the book we are using, Terry Wardle and Sheri know first hand the struggle I have maintained either in the background or head on since the age of 3. The age I acutely remember being conditionally or totally unloved, misunderstand as a mere child, without significance, brushed aside in purpose and not safe in the presence of one parent or the other or both (as when they fought so).
I want to take a big step and work on ~~ surrendering control of my feelings or emotions in what others say to me or how they feel about me, which puts me in great distress and emotional turmoil.
When you "criticize" and remind me of this, I shrink back in pain and it triggers shame.
I thought I would share this with you tonight.
Dearest Mary,
It appears my focus is all over the place instead of where it should be and I was almost sobbing the whole time tonight, as the tears stream down my face now.
We nailed to the cross, literally, one dysfunctional behaviour that we want to surrender to God. A beginning point after some learning on the subject.
One of my dysfunctional behaviours is isolating/avoiding/aloneness . . .. . . once again Sheri said:
The opposite of aloneness is love.
I beg and plead with Jesus for just a bit of love from those that I think matter to me and it means not feeling alone when with them, being intimately attached emotionally, always welcome and accepted by them and all the other warm human emotions we attach to someone whose time and attention we value.
Much like a cat or dog gives to its owner.
Every human being is born with innate deep longings that are of love, security/safety, understanding, purpose, significance and belonging. When one or more of these deep longings are not available, there is deep wounding.
The author of the book we are using, Terry Wardle and Sheri know first hand the struggle I have maintained either in the background or head on since the age of 3. The age I acutely remember being conditionally or unloved, misunderstand even as a child, without significance, brushed aside in purpose and not safe in the presence of one parent or the other.
I nailed to the cross a big step on my part ~~ surrender control of my feelings or emotions in what others say to me or how they feel about me, which puts me in great distress and emotional turmoil.
When criticized of this, I shrink back in pain and it triggers shame.
I come home and it is like no one is here. There is aloneness, which to me means no love or any deep core longings.
There is so much to learn and grow from....another 54 yrs of striving, but this time I so covet with God.
I love you Carl's Mary.
It appears my focus is all over the place instead of where it should be and I was almost sobbing the whole time tonight, as the tears stream down my face now.
We nailed to the cross, literally, one dysfunctional behaviour that we want to surrender to God. A beginning point after some learning on the subject.
One of my dysfunctional behaviours is isolating/avoiding/aloneness . . .. . . once again Sheri said:
The opposite of aloneness is love.
I beg and plead with Jesus for just a bit of love from those that I think matter to me and it means not feeling alone when with them, being intimately attached emotionally, always welcome and accepted by them and all the other warm human emotions we attach to someone whose time and attention we value.
Much like a cat or dog gives to its owner.
Every human being is born with innate deep longings that are of love, security/safety, understanding, purpose, significance and belonging. When one or more of these deep longings are not available, there is deep wounding.
The author of the book we are using, Terry Wardle and Sheri know first hand the struggle I have maintained either in the background or head on since the age of 3. The age I acutely remember being conditionally or unloved, misunderstand even as a child, without significance, brushed aside in purpose and not safe in the presence of one parent or the other.
I nailed to the cross a big step on my part ~~ surrender control of my feelings or emotions in what others say to me or how they feel about me, which puts me in great distress and emotional turmoil.
When criticized of this, I shrink back in pain and it triggers shame.
I come home and it is like no one is here. There is aloneness, which to me means no love or any deep core longings.
There is so much to learn and grow from....another 54 yrs of striving, but this time I so covet with God.
I love you Carl's Mary.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
manipulated scene so that she understood she was "lying"
could not find her bell, most important item besides monitor and OJ.
she used to throw, in a frenzy, what she found not to her liking in a room if the important item was not there.... in fact throwing at the child
I have done that on occasion, but taken what was at my disposal
i asked if i should do so, so that she knew where her bell was.
i use the same behviours she did and i feel like the dirtiest peice of trash for it.
could not find her bell, most important item besides monitor and OJ.
she used to throw, in a frenzy, what she found not to her liking in a room if the important item was not there.... in fact throwing at the child
I have done that on occasion, but taken what was at my disposal
i asked if i should do so, so that she knew where her bell was.
i use the same behviours she did and i feel like the dirtiest peice of trash for it.
Monday, November 9, 2009
. . . focus . . .
God not Tim.
Anything I turn to, to help cope or alleviate the pain, other than God's love--- this is me sinning.
The sign language for control and sin are very much alike, it was pointed out tonight.
http://www.signingsavvy.com/sign/SIN
http://www.signingsavvy.com/sign/CONTROL
I am very tired and have a bad headache. Coming home to mom was like a thorn itching.
The opposite of aloneness is love.
Anything I turn to, to help cope or alleviate the pain, other than God's love--- this is me sinning.
The sign language for control and sin are very much alike, it was pointed out tonight.
http://www.signingsavvy.com/sign/SIN
http://www.signingsavvy.com/sign/CONTROL
I am very tired and have a bad headache. Coming home to mom was like a thorn itching.
The opposite of aloneness is love.
...lesson 4.....
I have struggles this week and last with deep inner saddness and hopelessness.
Sadness that Tim and I will never move toward what he will not give and no more.
Sadness that I am not worthy because I am so broken in his eyes, and probably not redeemable for him.
Hopelessness in regards to a future shared with another.
Hopelessness in regards to finances and always being under the weight of irresponsiblility.
Hopelessness in never being intimate in always with Tim...yes a deep saddness, abandonment and rejection.
Hopelessness in the fact that mom is incapable of breaking free of her broken vessel to communicate and share with me.
Saddness and hopelessness that I have any family member who fully accepts the broken person I occasionally show them by fits of rage and anger, blame and chaos.
Deep sadness for lack of friends, true friends.
God I do want to leave at the broken bleeding feet of Jesus lifted upon the cross. my saddness and hopelessness, fears of abandonment and rejection......I really do not want to ber the insufferable pain anymore, Why cannot I not just leave it at the foot of Jesus's crucifying cross where he can see fit to remove it?
I have learned to love the feeling of saddness and hopelessness....how awful that sounds... tis what Tim tells me I do...I love the feeling of miserable. I really do not. It's just hard to believe that I truely can walk away from it.
Sadness that Tim and I will never move toward what he will not give and no more.
Sadness that I am not worthy because I am so broken in his eyes, and probably not redeemable for him.
Hopelessness in regards to a future shared with another.
Hopelessness in regards to finances and always being under the weight of irresponsiblility.
Hopelessness in never being intimate in always with Tim...yes a deep saddness, abandonment and rejection.
Hopelessness in the fact that mom is incapable of breaking free of her broken vessel to communicate and share with me.
Saddness and hopelessness that I have any family member who fully accepts the broken person I occasionally show them by fits of rage and anger, blame and chaos.
Deep sadness for lack of friends, true friends.
God I do want to leave at the broken bleeding feet of Jesus lifted upon the cross. my saddness and hopelessness, fears of abandonment and rejection......I really do not want to ber the insufferable pain anymore, Why cannot I not just leave it at the foot of Jesus's crucifying cross where he can see fit to remove it?
I have learned to love the feeling of saddness and hopelessness....how awful that sounds... tis what Tim tells me I do...I love the feeling of miserable. I really do not. It's just hard to believe that I truely can walk away from it.
missing group
missing group is hard ..... not physically but emotionally.
The prospect of learning and nowing more about myself and God is so scary I want to turn and run and would rather continue to avoid in insifferable pain than to pick up where I left off.
Lesson 3: to trust or not to trust.
Feelings tell us a great deal about what we believe about our world, our God and ourselves.
The God I am afraid to trust is not the true living God, but the false god I have created.
Without realizing it, I began trusting a false god long before the feelings of abandonment, isolation and avoidance leeched like growing roots, grashing and choking long before I recognized I even had a problem.
It is like dealing with the roots in the yard, attempting to deal with the cement they have found to awrap themselves around and their unforgiving hold so I might plant bulbs.
Blind trust
passive mistrust
aggressive mistrust
My own experience of trust with other people is often projected upon my relationship with God.
Either near or far, past or present, I have never been abandoned by my Shona "family", Pastor Jerry's teaching, Elizabeth and Carl's Mary.
The prospect of learning and nowing more about myself and God is so scary I want to turn and run and would rather continue to avoid in insifferable pain than to pick up where I left off.
Lesson 3: to trust or not to trust.
Feelings tell us a great deal about what we believe about our world, our God and ourselves.
The God I am afraid to trust is not the true living God, but the false god I have created.
Without realizing it, I began trusting a false god long before the feelings of abandonment, isolation and avoidance leeched like growing roots, grashing and choking long before I recognized I even had a problem.
It is like dealing with the roots in the yard, attempting to deal with the cement they have found to awrap themselves around and their unforgiving hold so I might plant bulbs.
Blind trust
passive mistrust
aggressive mistrust
My own experience of trust with other people is often projected upon my relationship with God.
Either near or far, past or present, I have never been abandoned by my Shona "family", Pastor Jerry's teaching, Elizabeth and Carl's Mary.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
there's the end and then there is a window
I've not been to group for 2 weeks because I cannot find a "sitter" for mom.
Mary called and encouraged me with her love the other day on voicemail, but she has no idea of what it would mean to really sit at her feet and learn.
I feel so far away from God and feeling like I have no way of ever getting back "there."
I know its me and I know that I make mountains out of mow hills, but I feel like I should just want to fall asleep and never wake up again.
I lay in bed planning it.
Mary called and encouraged me with her love the other day on voicemail, but she has no idea of what it would mean to really sit at her feet and learn.
I feel so far away from God and feeling like I have no way of ever getting back "there."
I know its me and I know that I make mountains out of mow hills, but I feel like I should just want to fall asleep and never wake up again.
I lay in bed planning it.
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