I have struggles this week and last with deep inner saddness and hopelessness.
Sadness that Tim and I will never move toward what he will not give and no more.
Sadness that I am not worthy because I am so broken in his eyes, and probably not redeemable for him.
Hopelessness in regards to a future shared with another.
Hopelessness in regards to finances and always being under the weight of irresponsiblility.
Hopelessness in never being intimate in always with Tim...yes a deep saddness, abandonment and rejection.
Hopelessness in the fact that mom is incapable of breaking free of her broken vessel to communicate and share with me.
Saddness and hopelessness that I have any family member who fully accepts the broken person I occasionally show them by fits of rage and anger, blame and chaos.
Deep sadness for lack of friends, true friends.
God I do want to leave at the broken bleeding feet of Jesus lifted upon the cross. my saddness and hopelessness, fears of abandonment and rejection......I really do not want to ber the insufferable pain anymore, Why cannot I not just leave it at the foot of Jesus's crucifying cross where he can see fit to remove it?
I have learned to love the feeling of saddness and hopelessness....how awful that sounds... tis what Tim tells me I do...I love the feeling of miserable. I really do not. It's just hard to believe that I truely can walk away from it.
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