It's Wed and I have not heard from Mark since Friday.
I feel like I have been "taken" again......  so i will just pretend I have not wasted my time but only grown wiser.  Feel foolish, but I do trust and take too much risk.  Keep it in reality . . . . no one wants me there either, so face it.....  I need to take my Shepherd's hand and walk ONLY with Him.

My second time at Curves is coming up.  yesterday my knee felt the weirdest then of course the worst it has felt, "that" way.  I did hear it crack when taking off my shoes.  am not sure what that was all about....but this am I wake at 8 to find the dude with the leaf blower (truly) at my window as I sit there in a nightgown, and my knee is back to normal.

Have decided to give Don and Cindy a framed photo (of something) ~~ hoping they enjoy it.
I should write to them..... just because I am sister and they seem to be the only family that has not turned their back.
I do admit Becky nervously (as evidenced by the lack of ability to endure the silence)  took me to the hospital.

Off to wirte and update Cindy and Don....then get dressed and go to Curves.

I am grateful I have a Shepherd, Heavenly Father, God Almighty, Jesus Redeemer. .  .
who / which ~~~~~~~~ 

He is jealous for me 
Loves like a hurricane 
I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy

When all of a sudden
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
And I realize just how beautiful You are
And how great Your affections are for me

And oh, how He loves us so
Oh how He loves us
How He loves us all
Yeah, He loves us
Oh how He loves us
Oh how He loves us
Oh how He loves

And we are His portion and 
He is our prize 
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes 
If His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking 
And Heaven meets Earth like an unforeseen kiss 
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest

I don't have time to maintain these regrets When I think about, the way..



because I cannot count on Mark being who I want nor need..... I must carry on without that hope, but REALIZE I have someone far better... as described in the David Crowder Band song

Ah yes, now add this perspective . . . 

Jesus Christ is the One by Whom, for Whom, through Whom everything was made. Therefore, He knows what's wrong in your life and how to fix it. Let Him take charge. Give Him the authority to put it right.

I read on the wall. DELIGHT YOURSELF IN THE LORD.......

I read, underline.... mutely pray in my mind some vague words... feel warmed by the music on KLOVE........  but I am NOT delighting myself in the Lord......  

God I am so pathetic......  so lost..... I do, I want you to be my everything...but this man who I have never met and who could be my grandson is up into my mind.....  I just wrote him:

. . my mind. . . is so full of you, I feel crippled to do anything, think of anything else, be 100% productive.

If I've made you a monster filled with desire.....

you have made me a woman who thinks of nothing else but you.....

I am so pathetic...you made me this way by the m

 

Please how do I cleanse my mind and go forward...??  I just cant get past this want, knowing

I FEEL LIKE I AM WAITING FOR SOMETHING THAT ISNT GOING TO HAPPEN

Find me here, 
And speak to me. 
I want to feel you, 
I need to hear you. 
You are the light, 
That's leading me, 
To the place, 
Where I find peace again. 

You are the strength, 
That keeps me walking. 
You are the hope, 
That keeps me trusting. 
You are the light,
To my soul.
You are my purpose, 
You're everything. 

How can I stand here with you, 
And not be moved by you? 
Would you tell me, 
How could it be, 
Any better than this? 

You calm the storms, 
And you give me rest. 
You hold me in your hands, 
You won't let me fall. 
You steal my heart, 
And you take my breath away. 
Would you take me in, 
Take me deeper now. 

And how can I stand here with you, 
And not be moved by you? 
Would you tell me, 
How could it be, 
Any better than this? 

I will not forget you. See, I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands.

Isaiah 49:15-16, NKJV

Noah was totally helpless to change his situation. There was nothing he could do except to stay on the ark and tend to the needs of his family and those of the animals until God in some way brought deliverance. He had to keep his faith in God while simply waiting out the silence that followed the storm.

Although He had been silent, God had not forgotten Noah. In fact, since Noah and his family were the only living persons on the face of the earth, we can be sure they had God's total, undivided attention every moment.

Do you think God's silence in your life means He has forgotten you? Oh, no! God says He has engraved your name on the palms of His hands. He says that a mother could forget her nursing baby at mealtime before He could forget you! You are in God's heart and on His mind every moment. He is fully informed of your circumstances and will bring about change when He knows the time is right.

I wrote to Mark . . . . I hope how it gets it.....

When I am bored or have time to waste and have opportunity, I browse through pins on Pinterest.

Excellent crafty/fix things up suggestions.

Recipes I want to try.

I check photography out.

all kinds of stuff . . . . .

Last night I found this one . . . .  I cried myself to sleep because this all seems surreal too me. 

You and me.

Why?  The only things I know about you is your desire to control me and fuck me; you are Matt's nephew, your cousin died, you have a mom, you live somewhere in OK (probably Tulsa area), you once worked in an oil refinery,  . . . . . much of that I trust to be true., and you wont answer personal questions about yourself. . . .  its like you wont even acknowledge them~ only rarely.

I know that you have a truck, sold a boat, agonized over your cousin dying, screwed a high school friend 3 months ago, that your mom is "ok" with your woman being (probably) older than she is.

I have no idea really what Matt told you about me...tis why I send/share my silly life with you.

If this isn't real, I will go crashing down into a very dark black hole.

I have been so open and vulnerable with a man who I have never seen nor heard his voice.

>>>>Then last night I had one of my reoccurring dreams .. . . . .  I find myself back in Zimbabwe at Karanda, desperately hoping to fit in. . . .   my therapist once told me because it is a period of my life that meant something to me and I was truly happy. truly serving humanity, truly free and fulfilled.  I want to return so badly....but life doesnt seem to make it possible.<<<<<

i told you last week or so, I need more.  Not more time talking about how you will use me and how your desires have overwhelmed you... Ya know, I get that !  I need to know more about you . . . . your willingness to share with me..... answering my questions when I do ask them.

your favorite football team

where you work

your goal for 2 years from now

what you do on your weekend . . . (you rarely contact me)

... in your evenings (you never contact me)

a n y t h i n g.    

You have been open and vulnerable about your desires, even sending me a photo. . . .  but you have alife  you have not shared with me.

OK, I am a big girl now, I need to dry the tears, take a shower and take care of some things. 

http://pinterest.com/pin/114349278009797562/

I wrote to Mary, but realized my letter was also a prayer to my Shepherd.

I so appreciate that I can read my Bible with a clear mind and heart....  I was so wanting to when I was at your house, i felt like I lost 2 weeks of time with my Lord. . . .  but I really had not.    I knew that each time I snuggled with my sheep, my Shepherd knew what I needed....I just lacked the passion to believe.  I read this this morning and it spoke to me in such a wonderful way ~~~~ (3 different versions)

21 Jesus asked the boy's father, "How long has he been like this?""From childhood," he answered.  22 "It has often thrown him into fire or water to kill him. But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us."

23 "'If you can'?" said Jesus. "Everything is possible for one who believes."

24 Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"

NIV

23 Jesus said, "If? There are no 'ifs' among believers. Anything can happen."

24 No sooner were the words out of his mouth than the father cried, "Then I believe. Help me with my doubts!"

The Message

At once the father of the boy gave [an eager, piercing, inarticulate] cry with tears, and he said, Lord, I believe! [Constantly] help my weakness of faithhe boy gave [an eager, piercing, inarticulate] cry with tears, and he said, Lord, I believe! [Constantly] help my weakness of faith

Amplified

I remember one day, in all the days of darkness and doubt before I got Medicaid and knew Disability was hopefully on the way as well... that i desperately cried and said "I am so sorry for my doubts and unbelief in You helping me Lord"..... I just could not see past the valley thick with horror that my Shepherd was right there with me and He had me in His arms . . . . just like when i got out of surgery and for those 3 1/2 weeks that were so terribly hard.

I read the devotional this morning~~ ". . . .the man's faith had taken a beating, so he began his request with, "If you can...."

If. Endless possibility is wrapped in that tiny word... possibility accessed by faith in the One who makes all things possible. At Jesus' prompt, the father recognized his own limitations. "Help me overcome my unbelief!" 
Like the disciples, we may spend just enough time with Jesus to think we have all we need to handle anything that comes our way. But all things are possible only when we recognize the limits of our own abilities and rely on His power to do the impossible." 

My faith and belief in God's sovereignty had taken a beating and for far too long.......

God justifies us at the moment of new birth by declaring us righteous. But for the rest of our earthly lives, the Holy Spirit works to sanctify us - to make us more like Christ in our thoughts, words, and deeds. As we grow in the grace and knowledge of the Lord (2 Peter 3:18), we understand more of His Word; our trust in Him increases. 

Like this blind man, the Lord's touch in our lives brings increasing clarity to our spiritual sight until we, too, can "see clearly."




Trust in Him increases.  Sometimes I want to feel and handle trust.  I trust freely and wonder why I then hold it so tightly from whom I really need to trust, my Shepherd.

I trust Mark, yet I do not...not until he sees the whole picture, and am sure he will stay.
I really do not know anything about him..... sometimes I wonder if I chat/email with Matt and its still a cruel joke.

I want so much for him to know my Shepherd.  I have even prayed he wasnt Mormon, since there are a lot of Mormons in OK.  He gives me snatches // morsels of himself and goes away.

I know that is what I do with my Shepherd.
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  wrong of me...but right now that is all I have as if the valley I am stuck in right now has created a small garden where I rest...but the garden is fall and/autumn and it is distressing without sunshine.

Michael W. Smith

‎"When you're down and out
When you're on the street
When evening falls so hard
I will comfort you
I'll take your part, when darkness comes
And pain is all around
Like a bridge over troubled water"...from Bridge Over Troubled Water on HEALING RAIN (written by Paul Simon)

"David strengthened himself in the Lord his God." 1 Sam. 30:6 --

 God meets our deepest needs and calms our greatest fears.

As God is at work in our lives, we can draw conclusions based on our limited view. But those inferences will often be wrong. Right conclusions will be based on the truth of who God is, not on who we think He is. 

Our world is looking for love. As human beings, we need to love and be loved. But we're looking in all the wrong places. We look for it from a parent,

from a child,

from a spouse,

from a friend,

But our parents grow old and die,

our children grow up and live their own lives,

our spouses are too busy or too tired,

our friends are superficial or selfish.

Who can truly understand the need of the human heart? Who can meet the need of our hearts? Where is love found?

Love is found in the heart of God.

We love Him because He first loved us.

1 John 4:19, NKJV

Mary just texted me saying "Let the earth and all that is in it Praise the Lord.  BLESS THE LORD OH MY SOUL.  All my being bless His most Holy name."

She does seem to live in the "perfect present."

I just never want Mary to think that her good deeds and her words will get her to heaven.
I truly believe she is another lamb. . . . in my heart, deep in my soul as I wrote that, I know she is.

How so many can draw wrong conclusions regarding the whole sweep of Catholics is beyond me.

Personally, God knows how judgmental I am towards others and how prejudice I am.
Once again, I draw wrong conclusions.

During my trials of doubt and obsessive guilt in the valley of despair, God proved Himself to me so often, yes I still lacked belief, faith and trust.  He sheltered and carried me, yet I seemed always to see the mountain of crap instead of the love and care, the presence and comfort.  I even missed so often the fact that no matter what He felt what I felt and had the same emotions, yet He was the comforter (came along side) if only I had rested.  Instead I fought.

And now I still fight for will power, motivation, some special energy to do waht I must with what I know is a must. Organize present finances and calender, clean the kitchen, do laundry and sort tax stuff, preparing it for Bass, as soon as possible.  ALL I HAVE TO DO IS DO IT!!

Talked with Cheryl.  Larry is being selfish again and visiting a friend in FL by himself (when they could go to NY) and she has been free this week. . . . she never told me.
But we are going to dinner tonight . . .  Red Lobster!  WOW !  A VERY special treat for me.

Texted Alley to see if she working, if so will ask for her table and leave a $10 tip (base).  She told me last time that 20% is the going tip rate.  I did not know that.

I also applied for several care.com jobs . . . . time to be busy.  My commitment to Alley still stands.
Lord I want to be a blessing with each job I have.....please allow me to be such.

Now on to Mark. I have not heard from him since the 16th which seems like days ago.  An Eternity.  But I continue to share.  I want to share Jesus with him as well.  I know he goes to church but what kind and his beliefs?  I have no idea.  he doesnt tell me much about himself.  Most men dont.

When you are overwhelmed by burdens or depression, you have His presence. (Isa. 43:2)

for when i am depressed.

Sheri has on many occasions told me that my Shepherd feels my feelings, knows them and comes a long of me and feels what I feel.  This is hard to comprehend.  But I have read lately that Jesus wept when his friend died. And Scripture only one other time mentions that He wept.  "He knows my needs, all my needs....." He felt power from within released when the woman touched only the hem of His cloak.  What is that?  Am I not always reaching for just the hem of His cloak?  I go to our secret place and I have to hug my sheep just to know He is with me, knows my feelings and is as near as each breath.  So hard to comprehend.

In all their distress, he too was distressed; . . . he lifted them up and carried them.

Isaiah 63:9, NIV

The solution to loneliness is not to give in or give up~or do what everyone else does~or go where everyone else goes~or look like and speak like and think like and act like the world around you so you won't stand out so sharply from the crowd. The solution is not to withdraw (or isolate) into an uninvolved, inactive life. The solution is found when you discover meaning in the midst of loneliness as God Himself SHARES your londliness while you walk with Him and work for Him.
Two thousand years ago another solitary figure stood out in history. He stood alone against all the visible and invisible forces of evil in the universe. The sin of all mankind was placed upon Him as He walked to the place of sacrifice, carrying His own means of execution. He was betrayed by one of His best friends and denied by another. Not one person stood with Him-not the blind man to whom He had given sight, not the deaf man to whom He had given hearing, not the lame man to whom He had given strength. He was crucified  on a Roman cross, lone ... so that I need never be alone ever-again.

So hard to comprehend.  I am being remind of this, lately, all the time.  On the days I wont get dressed, the days I only ice my knee after therapy and in the mornings, when I dont or cant accomplish much, let alone the dishes.  What would I do if my Shepherd were here in person?

I dont see him in cloaks, but in wollen pants and an aussy outback coat.

I love the picture of Him with the children:

I love this because this is how I want Him to be with me...... with Emily....for us to realize that we are His and he does smile and care for us. . . . deeply.

"I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred" (John 5:7, NIV). The man beside the pool of Bethesda was focused on what he lacked. He lacked a friend to help him. He lacked the strength to do it on his own. But while he was preoccupied with what he didn't have, he totally missed what he did have-he had Jesus! Standing right there!

What's your excuse for continuing to lie down on your responsibilities? What's your excuse for remaining a spiritual child when you should be mature in your faith? What's your excuse for sleeping when you should be kneeling in prayer? What's your excuse?

Is it lack of faith? Lack of willpower? Lack of knowledge? Lack of discipline? Lack of energy? There is no excuse you or I can come up with that is valid because we have Jesus!

I wrote to Sheri ~~

7 (I think) weeks and I barely remember going through the first 3 1/2 wks with Mary, esp the first week at home.  That is a lost "memory."

Alone, afraid, full of pain, barely able to get on or off the toilet or take a shower, no one to help and no one to call.  Such aloneness.

I am so much better now.  Last weekend with the change of weather or something, my energy was zero, my pain and anxiety was high and all I wanted was someone to hold on to.  Oh well  ...I am finding SO many similarities between mum and me and what she must have gone through with and without dad (the way he was his last 7 yrs, is not the man she so loved).

I KNOW it is Satan shaming me or trying to quilt trip me for not being there for mom, instead I was in my own selfish cave......but I know what is happening and I tell him good bye in the power of my risen Lord...get away from me.

I am off Medicaid and they left me 2 months in a gap with no medicial care.  Medicare starts 12/1....... ya and I am left to figure all this out.

I ask myself often, what did mum do?  How did mum handle these decisions?

Lucky I have some money for this gap which is filled with a visit back with Dr Stone and 6 more PT sessions.  I hope Aurora has a discount for cash payers.

I have taken some of the money from the disability fund and am finishing a to do list.  Not big....It's mum's car (really still yet) so I had it detailed, things like that.  I had her violin picture fixed (she loved it so) . . . .  but the past months with only a frustrating cry out to God daily, I learned how to be frugal and very careful with every cent.  So I shall continue.

Princess is not well....I was already grieving over loosing her too this morning...so to the Vet we go this afternoon.

All is well for the time being.  I found a great verse this morning in Matt 12...does not God love man more than your sheep.....

Sheri wrote back

.I hear how difficult it has been and I am so sorry life is soooo hard right now.  Your Shepherd is with you and that's the only way you can make it through.  Your reliance on Him and His nurturing, attentive care will keep you going.  There are brighter days ahead, you just can't see them over the mountain (of difficulty) peaks.  I am still praying for you...Sheri

I am more valuable to God than a sheep, lost or found.
He shed His own blood for me when he was crucified.

I Pet 1:18-19
Matt 12: 9-14

God prefers mercy, not sacrifice.
What is demanded of me? To love mercy, do justice and to walk humbly with my God.
Micah 6:8

And such is my hearts desire. My soul's desire.

What did He say that he wants us to love God with all our hearts, souls, minds and others as ourselves.

So many perish while I sit and have anxiety instead of action (thinking of taxes now)....the fields are ripe for harvest, and while I long to go . . . .  or still be there (how different my life would be) . . . .
I rarely pray for the souls of those who need him; for the souls of those who I think I love (Mark and Matt); for family, for missionary issues,for Rufaro and Anna Michael (or even write).

I should be shamed, but, I know my Shepherd has mercy and keeps and forgives.
How could I go with DM, cardiomyopathy, hypothyroid...   ?
Oh Lord, should you give me just a chance, my souls desire is to GO.

In the quiet hours, might I bring others you bring to mind, to your throne and petition on their behalf.

          

9/25

Now that I have all this "power" (money) at my finger tips, I am anxious that I place it in the correct places.

I need to listen, to have guidance and wisdom.

God it hurts so much . . . .please take it away (at least some of it) ....and Andrew to give me more.

Devotions today?  I only peeked after my words for the day were graciously given.

DO NOT let your heart be troubled. TRUST IN GOD.

I have come to know what trust, faith and believe mean more these last 6 months.  may it continue Lord God my Shepherd.

Sept 23

It is strange to realize that all I remember of the last 4 weeks is not just the pain, it was different. .. . .but the lying around, lost days drooling in pain, the crying at night becaue of the pain and the fact that I really needed my sheep and knowing my Shepherd was there, carrying me, holding me, allowing only the pain I could bare.  There were the times of dribbling each time I had to pee and Mary generiously and mercifull cleaning it up, never saying a word.

The days lost to just sleeping, being doped up, my torture chanber (my sleeping companion) sqweaking misearably, keeping others awake at night and bothered during the day; the home made balanced and delicious food; and the push from Mary to walk (head up) and to poop!  LOL

She was so good to me.

When Bill and Mary brought me home ~ they bought essential groceries, handle bars for the bath and helped me figure out what, how and why.

Last week when Mary brought me home I offended them by giving them $160.00.  I gave an excuse of pay it forward; but I just really wanted to help with the money they spend on me and that is the amount God put into my hand.  I felt like a thief caught in the middle of the night raiding the ice cream carton!!!   I was so ackward.  Then there is Larry who wont help unless he gets cash and Cheryt the sort of friend you give money too because she needs it, ("oh no, no, no") but the minute I turn back, the money is gone.

Today I am just lonesome and still have much to do with my taxes.
I am proud of myself for cleaning up my yearly business stuff, having a filing system and now moving it all into the back (well, there will be a time when I wont call it "mum's room" at all) so I can figure all my back taxes in the next few weeks.

Today I am troubled about Matt and embarrassed they fought over me and Matt would think I would ever give up on him.  He is oh so wrong !!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~