I will rise from these ashes
greater is He who is in me

i lay down my hopes and die
the struggle is too hard,

all I face is nays and no one wants an old lady, a crippled one, and an old nurse, a fatso

I am so depserately ripped apart with the need for a job and the nays and failure I have had in securing ANY job.
ANY !!  oh why??

the lowliest job . . . cashier and no one will take me

what do I have to do? scream? hey you, you have a job and I am  desperate and need to pay bills

they cant even call cause I have no phone

oh God it hurts to know that i am useless to anyone and everyone at this point, really useless...phycially I might be able to perform, emotionally I am shattered . . . mentally, I know what I need yet cannot find it for the life of me....what life I do have

does it show in my writing and in my face that I am a lousy employee?

who would miss me?  I am a part of no one's life.  That is just a fact.

Ive inruded into Cheryl's, like leech in the river sucked up to her and she cant free herself of me at this point cuase she allowed my intrusion. . .  i'd want me gone too

Stephy and Zach might care.

Elizabeth barely knows me anymore...she remembers her hats more than she remembers my name

But Steve, Don Bec and Grace?  Who's she?  who died?  They dont even know me and would only want the money from mum's stuff and her house.   Just money, they dont want to have anything to do with me.  Not even Ben and AF...they could give arats ass too.

As for Matt, there are other fish in the sea prettier, more humble and able to give him waht he needs.  He hasnt needed me thus far, so come and get me, why now. . .  what ever for?

Oh God what should I do....I cant even call Sheri.

Oh God why do I need to keep suffering....  my Shepherd I am over here about to fall into this abyss....please come get me, I beg of you please come get me

i dont want to die....i dont....i just need to feel like I have something worth while doing in this life...and I am doing nothing...not even paying bills.....

I feel like I am being erased, there is chaos, shame, pain and I am worthless